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Relationship red flags?

(19 Posts)
MissJayTea Fri 28-Sep-12 16:01:37

What are yours? I'm trying to learn.

I'm sure this has been done before but can't find the thread

CailinDana Fri 28-Sep-12 16:18:45

Feeling nervous or afraid around a partner. Your partner should be your great friend, the one person who'll always have your back and think the best of you. If he/she doesn't do that, then what's the point?

mashedpotatohead Fri 28-Sep-12 16:23:45

I agree with Cailin. Also if you just have a bad feeling, trust your gut instinct. I used to ignore mine but its usually right.

Lottapianos Fri 28-Sep-12 16:24:05

In the very beginning, seeming really really keen, almost obsessive about you - calling and texting constantly, wanting to see you all the time. It can feel flattering at first, but often reveals itself as controlling behaviour a bit later on.

Being really negative about past relationships

Schlock Fri 28-Sep-12 16:26:46

Moving too fast, wanting exclusive rights to your time.

Depends how soon into the relationship I think?

Isolation. It would begin with being soooo into you he wants to spend every hour with you. Then it would be making it difficult to see family and friends because of spurious reasons, telling you that what you want to wear is inappropriate etc. Wanting to see you at the end of the night when you've not been with him (if you don't live together). Eventually it'll be such a pain in the arse to see other people you won't bother. Calling/texting you multiple times during the time you're not with him - not once or twice a day but several times on a night out.

Just a few off the top of my head!

Schlock Fri 28-Sep-12 16:29:35

How he talks about past partners. If his exes are all 'crazy' 'bunny boilers' 'still in love with him' etc then it's most likely something in his behaviour towards them that has made them behave this way, if they actually do in reality.

How he speaks about his mother. Trying not to generalise too much but I would avoid a man who speaks badly of his mother unless I had other evidence to show that she was bad news.

orangina Fri 28-Sep-12 16:30:07

Being controlling, jealous, nice in public nasty in private, has no friends, on bad terms with his parents, always the victim, never his fault, especially short tempered, tries to pin any of the above on your own sensitivity.......

CailinDana Fri 28-Sep-12 16:30:27

Basically I think you should feel comfortable with a partner. You should be able to say "Sorry can't go out tonight, got something on," without one worry about what their reaction will be. Any nervousness, any fear, heed it. Your partner should make your life better, more fun, more interesting, easier and more relaxing. If they do anything to make you worry, doubt, dislike yourself, time to think about ending it.

orangina Fri 28-Sep-12 16:30:31

Tries to isolate you, DEFINITELY......

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 28-Sep-12 16:32:36

You know that thing Puss in Boots does with the hat and the big eyes when he wants to get his own way? That whole 'love me because I'm a pitiful, needy creature' thing often masks an unscruplous manipulator who will try to excuse all manner of bad behaviour with sad tales from his childhood,'psychological problems' and other heart-tugging crap.

Snorbs Fri 28-Sep-12 16:37:03

This article by a psychologist is an excellent summary of red flag material. I think it should be required reading in secondary schools.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 28-Sep-12 16:38:57

"Good Cop, Bad Cop"..... alternating OTT lovely behaviour, lavish gifts & romantic gestures with truly shitty behaviour. Designed to keep you on the back foot thinking 'Bad Cop' is just a one-off, a bad day, out of character, YOUR FAULT. At the same time hoping 'Good Cop' (often last seen at the start of the relationship) will put in a reappearance if you behave yourself... change personality ... make him happy... blah... blah.... blah....

CryptoFascist Fri 28-Sep-12 17:03:49

Very early in the relationship, casually mentioning a few other women he is or has been interested in (this can be a list of real life women or celebrity crushes, depending on their maturity level).

This is calculated to keep you on the back foot and make you realise that you're really not so special.

FermezLaBouche Fri 28-Sep-12 17:43:52

The way he talks to others (particularly those he might consider "inferior" eg waiters, receptionists, etc.)
I went out with a delightful specimen years ago who spoke to people as if they were the shit on his shoes.

Also, in contrast to the type who demands exclusivity on your time, you have the ones who only see you at the weekend, they pop over for the night, leave the next day and barely text during the week. They don't want to go out and aren't interested in meeting your mates. Probably married.

Schlock Fri 28-Sep-12 17:59:20

Oh definitely. Anyone who treats waiting/serving people with anything less that courtesy can go fuck themselves. It's a job, not a lifetime subservient role. I tend to enjoy what the waiting staff might do to the food before it ends up on the table if I'm eating with someone who is rude and/or obnoxious. I'd probably walk out before the main course nowadays.

Jennylee Fri 28-Sep-12 19:15:37

they sulk for day or weeks on end

IllageVidiot Fri 28-Sep-12 19:58:48

Also before good cop/bad cop really kicks in fully things like blowing hot and cold (this can be the start or a technique on it's own).

It's not quite as aggressive but it works in the same way it keeps you on the back foot. Sometimes confused but ultimately reaching to either work harder for them or give them space - is generally how it manifests in the partners that will be malliable or open to progression of these kinds of manipulaive behaviours.

As JennyLee says - sulking or silent treatments.

Space invasion. Unilateral decision making.

Inappropriate reactions - that's kind of my umbrella but even before they let themselves go fully you tend to see one off instances of wildly off beaviour, like a really angry reaction to a trivial matter, really holding a grudge and bringing up something hours/days later that was all sorted and not grievous, being really hurtful or malicious in responce to even a lighthearted disagreement those kind of things - easily written off ONCE as a bad day but still crop up

Bedroom weirdness- moving too fast or 'oddly' slowly, 'forgetting' a condom was agreed on, trying something without consent (could be anything but for instance accidentally slipping and 'every other gf has liked anal, I thought you would), possibly being much more aggressive or prescriptive than in every day life. Knowing what you would like/be happy with better than you. Not listening. Continuing after you've said no then trying to brush it off as misunderstanding (tickle fight or something, you were laughing so it was ok).

I like Snorbs' article. Will save it.

foolonthehill Fri 28-Sep-12 23:35:21

lack of respect for other people especially police, waitresses, people in authority

Driving like they own the road and have the right to reprimand everyone else for their "bad driving"

MoelFammau Sat 29-Sep-12 10:35:36

I'm going to sound terrible but I do use a lot if red flags against my partner. It's honestly not conscious and I regret it immediately. My mother was an extreme case and I'm so worried that this is how I've learned relationships. No idea how to fix things but am desperate to start the journey.

Just wanted to say because sometimes, while the behaviour is extremely undesirable, it's not intended. [ sad]

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