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Husbands terrible behaviour

(13 Posts)
lightahead Fri 28-Sep-12 13:22:55

Two weeks ago dh of 17 years announced he was leaving and had met someone new. Maintains he has been unhappy for at least 18 months but did not go sooner as eldest ds was doing exams. His new "relationship" is 4 weeks old, she is pursuing him with extreme force (i have read the texts). Also at home we have a 10 year old ds who is close to Dad (eldest always been mums boy). Dh spends times crying and promising he will always be there for children, that he will provide more financial support than he has to and that he loves me but does not fancy me (still managing to have sex with me until this happened). Am I being unreasonable to want to verbally kill her? would I feel any better if I actually pointed out the emotional devastation I feel? I do accept with the benefit of hindsight that relationship had problems which we were not dealing with but am struggling to surpress the urge to go and find her to confrount her. I am normally very easy-going and have never had any sort of public argument!

JollyJumper Fri 28-Sep-12 13:38:06

I'm so sorry for you, it all sounds so sad.
I'd confront the OM, having issues in your relationship is not necessarily the end of it and I imagine that if OM hadn't been pushy perhaps your DH would have instead of starting an affair, looked at ways to save his marriage. Is it really too late to try and salvage your relationship?

Abitwobblynow Fri 28-Sep-12 13:40:39

'he will always be there for children, that he will provide more financial support than he has to'

Get that in writing. ASAP. Send him an email around the topic, until he responds to this in black and white.

Then? Stay away from them. Stay well away. The quicker he is thrown into her open, loving arms and her open, loving legs the sooner he will start missing his home and his children and the quicker her selfish immaturity not so great traits will be seen.

Anything you say against their beatiful, true insanity love will have the effect of huddling them together against the common enemy, you.

So don't say a word. Not a single word. Think about it: someone who would do this, can't possibly care about you and your lovely children. So don't bother appealing to her better nature, because she hasn't got one. Remember, nice, sane people don't screw around with married men (Frank Pittman). This is his anti-depressant of choice, and it has made his life a whole hell of a lot worse, he just doesn't know this yet.

Just screw down the financials, and wait to tiiiiiiiiime to dawn on him that he has made a horrible mistake. Now is the time to think about YOU and what you want. Protect yourself, and your beautiful children because at the moment you are the only sane responsible mature adult they have.

So sorry for your pain, this really hurts. But stay calm, and stay clever.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 28-Sep-12 13:42:19

I would not be so much angry with her as with your H because of his past and current behaviour now. How do you feel about your H now, he has also caused this situation to arise. No point contacting his OW, she won't be bothered so shouting at her will give you no piece of mind either.

I take it he is still in your home. Why has he not left (or is she in a relationship as well).

Do you still love your husband?.

It sounds like he wants his cake and eat it. Do not give him such power.

What do you want to go going forward?.

Would also suggest you read Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends.

Pancakeflipper Fri 28-Sep-12 13:42:47

Oh poor you Light, I feel I should say take the moral high ground but I would want to meet her. Not to tear strips of her particularly but to find out her version of the story.
There's no right or wrong really. Just try to keep the spur of moment limited at the moment - sleep on everything at least 1 night then decide.

That's shitty Light. Take care of you and the kids.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 28-Sep-12 13:55:34

Sorry this has happened. Understandable to be angry at the OW but your DH is the one at fault. He's making all the decisions by the sound of it. A grown man with even an ounce of integrity would have rejected 'pursuing' texts when they started. A vain, selfish one reacts by sobbing and trying to make out he's some kind of victim. hmm I think you retain far more dignity by letting the little shit run along than you ever would confronting his new girlfriend.

lightahead Fri 28-Sep-12 14:07:47

Thanks everyone for your supportive words, He is still at home but has arranged place to go in next few days.

arthriticfingers Fri 28-Sep-12 14:11:53

Can I but in and suggest a bridge Travelodge until such a time as he has found somewhere?

amillionyears Fri 28-Sep-12 14:53:41

Your problem is with him,as much as it is with her.
If you confront her,you still have the problem of him.
Better to play it cool.

olgaga Fri 28-Sep-12 15:03:25

So sorry to hear this, good advice from everyone here. Keep your dignity, and start reading:

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce – Advice and Links

It is useful if you can get to grips with the language of family law and procedure, and get an understanding of your rights, BEFORE you see a solicitor. If you are well prepared you will save time and money.

Children

If there are children involved, their welfare, needs and interests are paramount. Parents have responsibilities, not rights, in this regard. Shared residence means both parties having an equal interest in the upbringing of the children. It does not mean equal (50/50) parenting time - children are not possessions to be “fairly” divided between separating parents.

A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (“Statement of Arrangements for Children”). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order - “Residence and Contact” regarding children, “Financial Order” or “Ancillary Relief” in the case of Finance. Information and links to these can be found in the Directgov link below. Residence and Contact Orders are likely to be renamed Child Arrangements Orders in future.

Always see a specialist family lawyer!

Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don’t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation – there’s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don’t just stick with the first lawyer you find – shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you’re happy with.

If you can’t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law.
You can also find out about Legal Aid and get advice on the Community Legal Advice Helpline on 08345 345 4 345
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Dl1/Directories/UsefulContactsByCategory/Governmentcitizensandrightscontacts/DG_195356
Co-operative Legal Services offer DIY/Self-Help Divorce packages, as well as a Managed Divorce service. Their fee structure is more transparent and they have a telephone advice line as well as offering really good advice on their website:
www.co-operative.coop/legalservices/family-and-relationships/

You can read advice and search by area for a family lawyer here:
www.resolution.org.uk/

You will also read good advice and find a family lawyer here:
www.divorceaid.co.uk/

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients – Google solicitors to see if you can find any recommendations or feedback.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. This can help by encouraging discussion about arrangements for children and finance in a structured way in a neutral setting. However, it only works if both parties are willing to reach agreement.

If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation. This is important because while a Mediator should have knowledge of family law, and will often explain family law, they are not there to give tailored legal advice to either party - so it’s important to have that first.

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question, because if you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:
www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/

DirectGov advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/index.htm

Legal Rights and issues around contact are further explained here:
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown
www.maypole.org.uk/

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read – there are others of course:

www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you have access to, and take copies or make notes. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements – savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?

If you have no access to financial information, or you are aware that assets are being hidden from you, then obviously you will not be able to reach agreement on finances. If there are children, as you cannot divorce without adequate arrangements being agreed on finance and children, you will have to apply for a financial order anyway. If there are no children, and you are unable to agree on finances, you will also have to apply for a financial order (follow the Direct.gov links below). This seeks financial information from both parties going back 12 months. So it is in your interests to act quickly once you have made the decision to divorce.

If you are married, the main considerations of the Family Courts where parties are unable to agree a settlement are (in no particular order of priority):

1.The welfare of any minor children from the marriage.
2.The value of jointly and individually owned property and other assets and the financial needs, obligation and responsibilities of each party.
3.Any debts or liabilities of the parties.
4.Pension arrangements for each of the parties, including future pension values and any value to each of the parties of any benefit they may lose as a result of the divorce.
5.The earnings and earning potential of each of the parties.
6.Standard of living enjoyed during the marriage.
7.The age of the parties and duration of the marriage.
8.Any physical or mental disability of either of the parties.
9.Contributions that each party may have made to the marriage, either financially or by looking after the house and/or caring for the family.

CSA maintenance calculator:
www.csacalculator.dsdni.gov.uk/calc.asp

Handy tax credits calculator:
www.hmrc.gov.uk/taxcredits/payments-entitlement/entitlement/question-how-much.htm#7

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:
www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

Parenting issues:
www.familylives.org.uk
www.theparentconnection.org.uk

Other Support for Women – Children, Housing, Domestic Violence
www.womensaid.org.uk/ and refuge.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 2000 247
www.ncdv.org.uk/ - Helpline 0844 8044 999
www.gingerbread.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 802 0925
Housing www.england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships/relationship_breakdown
(Note that there is usually an appropriate link on these websites for England, Wales and Scotland where the law, advice and contact information may differ.

Abitwobblynow Fri 28-Sep-12 17:28:20

Light I assure you this is not love. It is insanity, infatuation, feeling alive and free, addiction. All fantasies of which wear off. And the more they are together, the quicker the BS wears off.

Sooner or later he will look at her and think, 'what the f have I done?' He just better pray you haven't moved on by then.

97% of 'relationships' built on infidelity FAIL. For a reason, and that is because they are not real. Just wait for the realities of a few spluttery smelly craps, biting spoons, irritating throat clearings and picking toenails etc etc etc etc to intrude...

this is NOT about you Light. Even though you have been stabbed in the heart and it is SO unfair (there is nothing just about betrayal), this isn't about you. You did not deserve this, this is about him and his need to escape reality.

Kick him out the door, get the £££££ and refuse to speak to him. At all, in any way. This is called 'going dark' and it means he is thrown into her divine company 100% 24/7.

deleted203 Sat 29-Sep-12 04:36:11

My ex had an affair and although furious with OW I was honest enough to admit that actually, she was single - so who she slept with was up to her. She didn't know me, had made me no promises, owed me no loyalty. I personally would not pursue a married man, but her choices and her moral values were her business. The person I was really angry with was DH. He wasn't free. He had a wife and DCs. He had made vows to me. He owed ME his loyalty and fidelty.

I am really, really sorry for what you are going through. But I wouldn't confront this woman. It will get you nowhere and provide no satisfaction that I can see. It might even hurt you more if you hear things from her that will shatter your sanity further. Best wishes.

SavoyCabbage Sat 29-Sep-12 04:46:24

Cracking posts Abitwobbly.

I'm sorry this is happening to you Light. I wouldn't say anything to the other woman. It might add to the excitement and drama of the situation from her point of view. Best to let things become as dull as possible as quickly as possible.

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