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Ohhh wobbles about new relationship - drama queen or do I have a point?

(23 Posts)
BlackenedPrawn Fri 28-Sep-12 13:00:01

Been together a few months now and he's great in every way, nice to waitresses etc, no red flags.

Problem is I sometimes feel it's not ME he wants specifically, it's a reincarnation of his marriage. His old life. The 2.4 children set up. Get togethers at Christmas, family holidays, family shop - he's said a few things that suggest it. Like he'll talk about his old life and then say "I want all that again". Don't get me wrong, I want a cosy family set up too but predominantly I want a man who loves and respects ME.

Another thing is he's never consistent with his thoughts. One week he'll say something like "I think we should take things slow, we don't know each other well enough to know what we'll be like next year for example" and then the week after he'll be saying "I think the next move would be for me to start staying over with you a few nights a week and then maybe look at buying somewhere together next year?" - totally opposite to what he said the week before!

I never know where I am with him. I know you'll all say "take control back, you tell HIM what's going to happen" but I feel like I'm pushed back and forth so much that I find myself feeling a sigh or relief when we have the "lets move things on" talk - and then deflated again when we have the "lets slow things down talk".

The truth is, I don't even know what I want yet! I'm not 100% sure I want to live with him. I'm not 100% sure it's ME he wants to be with or whether it's my ready made family he wants. I have spoken to him and if I bring it up, he'll give me the positive signs. I've told him he confuses me and his reaction was "if I'm going too slow for you, maybe you'd be better off finding someone else to be with" shock he was drunk when he said that however and now denies saying it but it's not the fact that he wants to "go slow" - I'm FINE with that, slow is good - what's not good is the conflicting messages that make me go crazy with confusion.

So where we're at now - well last week he told me he wants to see how we get on living together in my house (not 24/7, just a few nights a week) and then look at getting somewhere together. He's been quite lovey dovey since - however tonight we're going out drinking, he'll get drunk - where will we be tonight? see what I mean??

Lovingfreedom Fri 28-Sep-12 13:08:09

From what you've written I don't think you are ready for, or comfortable with this man moving into your house. Especially as you've got children, I'd follow your instinct on this, play it cautiously, and don't agree to him moving in at least until you feel more confident that it's what YOU want. (let alone what HE says or doesn't say he wants at any given moment). He's possibly confused having just come out of a relationship and hankering after elements of his past life, as you mention. From your post, you really don't sound convinced that he's that into you yourself...and for that reason, I'd be cautious about getting that into him.

Aspiemum2 Fri 28-Sep-12 13:13:07

Oh god, he sounds like hard work. I appreciate you do need to work at relationships but not really in the early days when you're in the first flushes of romance.

I personally would look for someone where it flows a bit easier but I'm not so patient these days after an awful 10yr relationship so maybe not the best person to advise.

Still think he sounds a bit of a pain in the arse

BlackenedPrawn Fri 28-Sep-12 13:16:04

I really like him but he over analyses EVERY little thing to the point where things that havn't even happened yet, start to stress ME out.

Example being - how his son (autistic) would cope staying weekends in a different house with different people - he proper went into detail about a scenario that hadn't even happened and by the end of it I was like "oh Jesus, what ARE we going to do about that fact that DSS is having meltdowns every weekend??" - I had to remind myself that this was nothing more than a bloody fictional event!!

I know he's a worrier but christ, sometimes you just need to get on with things.

I think he doesnt know what he wants at all. So I dont think its you.

You need to trust your instincts. If he was with you for you would he need to be so fast/slow/fast? It sounds like hes really confused and my advice would be to not invest too much in him.

Aspiemum2 Fri 28-Sep-12 13:19:16

Meltdowns are bloody awful, if you've lived with them then you would do anything in your power to avoid subsequent ones. They're exhausting for parent and child and just generally horrid.

In that instance I would understand his concerns, a child with asd needs different considerations to a nt child

Aspiemum2 Fri 28-Sep-12 13:21:39

Btw, that's not to say it won't work. Ds1 has coped admirably with a lot of change. It involves lot of commitment and dedication from all involved but can be done and is actually good .

You can't wrap a kid up and protect them from change all their lives so best help them learn how to cope rather than shy away from it

Lueji Fri 28-Sep-12 13:22:40

How long is a few months?
A couple or almost 12?

Because that would make a difference.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 28-Sep-12 13:25:27

The conflicting messages, angst and hot/cold performance would be enough for me to back off, I'm afraid. Most of us have enough problems in our own lives without having someone else use us to work out their personal neuroses. Which is what I think is what's happening here. Not only are you not convinced about this relationship but I don't think he is either. So he swings from 'it's going to be fine, let's get on with it' to 'OMG what am I doing, reverse, reverse'.... and who needs that really? Having picked up a few 'limping puppies' along the way of my love life, I would urge you to leave this one back where you found it.

StuntGirl Fri 28-Sep-12 13:30:18

I'm sure the OP would be as accommodating as possible to her step son, but it is a scenario that may or may not happen. Cross that bridge when you cone to it and all that.

While it would be very important to be prepared for your autistic step son discussing what to do when he stays before Dad has even stayed...ridiculous.

OP I would tell him straight. His conflicting messages are confusing and you want some consistency. Maybe discuss some sort of plan, it makes sense to discuss the future, but address issues one at a time.

If he still seems to flit from one (made up) scenario to the next, or continues to run hot and cold then it may mean facing that things aren't meant to be.

AlmostAGoldHipster Fri 28-Sep-12 13:32:36

Him blowing hot and cold is a huge red flag. Huge.

ShirtyKnot Fri 28-Sep-12 13:35:51

Yes, how many months is a few?

Lordy, I just don't think I could be ARSED with it all. The first 6 months are meant to be brilliant, loads of good fun, showing the best of oneselves, then the second 6 is all settling into things and getting to know one another but it should all still be GREAT - not all this angst and game playing.

BlackenedPrawn Fri 28-Sep-12 13:37:27

Don't get me wrong, I imagine coping with autism is difficult (I won't pretend to KNOW this as I don't have any experience) but it's still a fictional event that hasn't happened.

Another one was "oh if we went on holiday, to America, during the summer holidays, DS1 might be jealous and think I'm forgetting about him and I don't want him to think that - what are we going to do?? how will we get around this???"

And I'm sat there thinking it through ... hmmm so, when we get back, no boasting on facebook ... erm ...

And then I had to remind myself that we've not even booked a bloody holiday!! it's not even happening! totally fictional event. As if I don't have enough to stress about in REAL life and I'm sat there trying to work out how to deal with a figment of his imagination.

I know he struggles with the past, he was with his ex a LONG time, yes it's daunting being in a new relationship after all that time and feelings can be confusing - I understand all that but, you know ... patience is starting to run thin now, either he wants to be with me or he doesn't. Can't be arsed with all the drama

Aspiemum2 Fri 28-Sep-12 13:40:22

Don't think I could be arsed either tbh. My dh and I are still in the honeymoon phase really and yes we had meltdowns from ds but we dealt with it together because we just new it was what we both wanted.
Ds now adores dh and they've a great relationship but I really couldn't be bothered with someone messing me around all the time, life's too short

ShirtyKnot Fri 28-Sep-12 13:41:03

Pain.In.The.Arse.

Can you imagine what he'll be like after 2 years?

And WTF anyway? Moving in together so quickly? <waves flag a la Jenny Agutter in Railway Children>

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 28-Sep-12 13:41:17

Oh dear no. He's basically a pessimist. If you're a strong, capable, positive etc, these negative types just latch on and suck your soul. BRRRRR.....

Guiltypleasures001 Fri 28-Sep-12 13:50:23

Hi op

I want to be blunt but dont want to get jumped on for it, but here goes anyway.

From a selfish point of view I dont know whether I would want to be taking on a guy who has kids with so many issues as well as his, its not meant to be this hard, and already you are aware of weekend traumas and possible holidays being cancelled because of concerns over his child, which are perfectly legitimate, but are you prepared to concede your happiness and that of your children to the whim and needs of this man and his children, because he is telling you how it is going to be from his past experience and on going worries, these arent if's and but's these are his real future and past experiences.

someone mentioned up thread this mans child already being your stepchild, but he isnt is he? and do you want this? does your child/children want this? is it fair on everyone involved?

ovenchips Fri 28-Sep-12 14:13:37

Guiltypleasures Where has the OP said his son's autism is the issue? Jesus. That's a lovely reason to dump your partner.

OP I think he's (the partner) too much like hard work, esp at this relationship stage. Please think v carefully about whether he's worth it. There's not a whole lot of love and happiness coming over when you describe your relationship.

ladyWordy Fri 28-Sep-12 14:33:41

Your post reminded me somewhat of another thread on here.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1556835-Anyone-offer-any-insight-into-his-feelings-regarding-his-ex-wife

There are a few things in common, namely :
1) blowing hot and cold
2) fretting about scenarios that hadn't even happened
3) an apparent wish to recreate the stability of a previous marriage, rather than create a new relationship... sad

.... no conclusions were reached by the OP, but it doesn't seem a healthy scenario. In particular, it's upsetting to be with someone who blows hot and cold - I have the feeling that won't improve with time (and probably nor will the other issues, will they? He's on his best behaviour right now).

Proudnscary Fri 28-Sep-12 14:45:41

God he sounds like the kind of man I'd run a mile from. Utter pain in the arse.

Apart from anything else, I think you should think about what he's saying about you and your feelings when he's umm-ing and ahhh-ing about whether to take things slow or move into together - namely that they are secondary to what he wants.

You are completely unsure whether you want him to move in yet it's all about his decision? Why?

Mydogsleepsonthebed Fri 28-Sep-12 14:49:51

I'm with Proud - utter PITA I just could not be bothered.

Guiltypleasures001 Fri 28-Sep-12 14:51:38

Oven I didnt say the op had an issue with his sons problems, I said to think about whether she would want to take on that situation with the stress it entails, as the dad is letting her know what it might be like in reality.

I think the worries of his son and the impacts on another possible family dynamic ie him and the op in the future is the main reason he is coming across as he is.

curiousgeorgia Fri 28-Sep-12 18:38:55

I'm in something similar and at the point where I'm seriously questioning if it's worth the hassle.

TBH I would consider whether the fretting about his DS is a red herring which he might be using to avoid taking responsibility for his choices, especially as you're not even there yet!

i shall watch this thread with interest.

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