Attitudes towards money.

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

I dont know if this is actually a problem or if its just me being a bit of a freak and worrying too much.

Since having DD I like to keep budgets. I write things down a lot. I make meal plans and write shopping lists and keep to them in the supermarket. It has meant that I feel safe in the knowledge I wont be caught short and I will always be able to provide for DD. It also means I can budget for larger expenses like xmas.

When DP and I moved in together I lost all my benefits. That was fine. At the time he was working and he was providing for all of us. His money was our money. When he lost his job though, it all went tits up.

We are slowly getting back on track after going through a period of having literally no money coming in. It was all very stressful. But now that we are getting some money again its all falling apart.

If we get a lump sum , eg tax credits, I will want to budget it. Work out what we NEED and then keep the rest for the everyday bills for the next 4 weeks.

DP wants to spend it. Its driving me insane that he cant seem to think forward and have the foresight to see that we need to save for xmas/a new car etc etc.

We also have a lot of things still to get for the baby which is due in a month. He is fixated on this. Seems to think that any money we get will buy these things but fails to remember that we actually have to eat and pay the bills after the baby is born.

Its as if the impending fatherhood has turned him into a sullen teenager.

Is it just me being a control freak? How do I make him understand where Im coming from?

[BadLad]

I agree with your way of thinking; fortunately so does DW, so we don't have the problem of spendthrift married to saver. So I think you are being sensible, rather than controlling; however, if your partner doesn't think that way, then one of you will have to give way.

Perhaps some sort of compromise that you could spend a bit of any expected windfalls on treating yourself, and save some of said windfalls, would satisfy both parties?

I'm afraid I don't know how you can convince him to your way of thinking. Perhaps by telling him how worried you were when there was no money coming in, and how you are worried about the same situation happening again after the baby is born.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I agree with your way of thinking as well OP so IMHO you are not a control freak in the slightest. I also feel very insecure if I don't keep track of finances to the penny. Having once been married to a terrible spendthrift I know how upsetting it is when they're trying to spend the money as fast as you can save it. I tried everything to get around it including family budget meetings where the intention was to go through the household accounts like grown-ups, but this was dismissed as me being 'bossy and controlling'. Any suggestion that he reined in his spending was some kind of infringement of his civil liberties. It didn't end well

In short, I don't know how you get someone to understand thrift when they are the impulsive type. Did he get a new job yet?

[sookiesookie]

I find attitudes to money make a massive impact on a relationship.
Me and dh had years of disagreeing. Eventually we split. I was devastated. So was he. We did alot of work and got back together. Part of it was agreeing about financial responsibility and plans.
Its especially hard if you have kids and he doesn't. You really need to try and get on the same page. Imo, he should understand you need that security.

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

Not yet. Hes applying for everything. At the minute we arent in a great position though because we are so close to the baby being born that if he did manage to get a job it would mean he wouldnt get paternity leave.

That said, he would jump at any job but there arent any and any he has applied for havent even replied. Hes quite qualified too. Its frustrating.

At the minute I have control of the money. It all goes into my account etc. But then that makes me feel like a control freak when Im constantly having to say no to his requests.

He doesnt seem to realise that Im putting him and DD first at every turn. They both got new winter clothes. I havent even got a dressing gown or PJs to go into hospital never mind new clothes.

If bills need paid from his account I have to practically march him to the bank to put the money in. Hes always "I will go tomorrow." whereas I would rather just get it done so we know the bills will get paid.

Do you think he will be different when the baby is born? Or is he going to go into denial even more?

[BadLad]

I doubt he will be different when the baby is born.

Sounds a bit clueless in the realities of getting through life more than anything else, which is surprising if you have had a period of serious financial difficulty in the past.

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

He seems to think his parents have an endless pot of money aswell. Like they should bail him out.

Maybe because my parents never have been like that I can stand on my own two feet. And actually I have pride in the fact I am able to budget.

The period of difficulty we have just been through isnt his first either. When I talk to him about it he does agree with me. But a few days later we are back to the daft requests for DVDs and other crap.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's understandable if he feels emasculated by being out of work and having to come to you for money. Women down the ages have resented dependency on DHs exactly the same way. So you have to be sensitive to that aspect that he's gone from being independent and providing for the family to reliant on you for his winter clothes.... and you have to include him in the decisions about the family's money and value his contribution. Having said that, he needs to understand your perspective.

I suspect that, once he gets a job and the pressure is off, he will revert to normal. But now you know that he is the impulsive type, you can't let him see his wages as 'his money'... balance to be struck

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

My ex also thought that money would magically 'appear' because his family had always been wealthy. Mine were more like yours. When his family fell on hard times I thought (wrongly) that this might spur him on to take responsibility. Instead he just got cross that they'd denied him his inheritance

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

I try to include him as much as I can because the last thing I want is to make him feel like less of a man for our situation. But he gets bored halfway through a discussion and reverts to "it will be ok" or "people will give us things when the baby comes" or other such nonsense and I am left sitting there like

He seems to think his mum has a mountain of stuff for the baby. And she may well have, but that isnt really the point is it!

Its all so tiring. :(

[HipHopOpotomus]

I'm in control of our family finances. I love DP but he is rubbish with money/planning/budgeting etc and would be like your DP.

Keep in mind that you are doing what is best for ALL of you, and your way of thinking re money is more in line with what is recommended for managing on a tight budget than his.

Don't buy lots of new stuff for the baby. You will be given lots, and get stuff from ebay for great prices. Also new parents tend to buy way too much stuff - you really don't need most of the crap on those 'lists'. I never needed/used a top & tail bowl, a changing mat, loads of the clothes we were given etc.

I don' understand the 'feel like less of a man' references. So spending money you don't have/can't afford will make him feel like more of a man? I think it's a red herring.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Oh dear. Sounds like you've got yourself an ostrich. :) Does he understand finance? Numbers? Is he good at facing challenges elsewhere in his life? Optimism is not a bad trait but it's no substitute for planning.

[HipHopOpotomus]

Now times are better for us, as DP is working again, my fiscal controls mean that we can go on holidays and do great stuff together - DP acknowledges that this is because of the way I manage our daily ££.

He started out saying I was tight - now he's a huge believer in frugality to achieve lifestyle, after seeing it in action. If left to him the DC would have been in brand new flash clothes all the time, but no where to go in them. I buy stuff from ebay and take the DC/family out on all kinds of adventures in them.

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

Hmm. I guess hes a bit laxadasical (sp) with things and has to be reminded and encouraged a bit with everything.

I dont mind really, he means well and I have to give him credit where its due, he has been doing ALL the housework/dinners since hes been unemployed. He says Im making the baby and hes doing his part.

I know hes committed to this family. He struggles a bit with relating to DD but she loves him and he really does try. Hes really looking forward to the baby coming and honestly couldnt be doing more for us all.

Its just the bloody money thing. I would love to be able to sit down with him and work it all out and us both stick to it, but I guess I just have to accept that wont happen.

Oh and we arent going overboard with the baby stuff HipHop :) I have made sure of it. We are buying 2nd hand as much as we can!

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

I hope one day my DP will see the benefits like yours does HipHop.

When we first got together he always made affectionate jokes about my lists and budgets and how great they are. Maybe he secretly knows how bad he is with money and wants me to fix him :o

[HipHopOpotomus]

Then I'd suggest you stay in charge of the ££ - don't feel pressure to do it his way if it doesn't feel right to you. Remind him of the early days and how impressed he was with the budgeting etc. Show him lots of appreciation for all the stuff he is doing while off work (I'm sure you are already).