Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Sofas and Slankets V Irregular choice shoes and Snogging - Dating Thread 23

(1000 Posts)
watchoutforthatsnail Fri 28-Sep-12 10:14:21


watchoutforthatsnail Mon 15-Oct-12 16:33:45

course, but ive forgotten your fb.... message me on there... smile

ChaoticismyLife Mon 15-Oct-12 16:33:07

EiePie your ex and his feelings are not your responsibility.

OhWesternWind Mon 15-Oct-12 16:32:23

Watch - can you show me the pirate pic <nosy emoticon>?

EiePie Mon 15-Oct-12 16:26:45

Thanks everyone, very helpful. I tend to chat to prospective 'lucky' (lol) candidates on the phone a few times before meeting up and DD (who is incurably nosey!) will ask who it is and I just say it's a friend. On a few of the 6 weekers, she's been aware that I've been out and what their name is, picked up the phone when they've called, but I just say that they are friends, just like lots of my other male friends. She likes the intrigue! DS1 and 2 are not in the slightest bit interested! The 'incident' last summer was annoying (my best friends ex was trying to wind my ex up) but it did serve to get my DD used to the idea that I will/might/ hope to date sometime in the future. My ex is another problem, he's going to be crushed if I find someone permanent. Ho hum.

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 15-Oct-12 16:02:20

western, thats good smile
people, mothers included, do tend to notice, because you are suddenly busy/ going out a lot.

I dont think it hurts to mention it, then you can chat about it and they can get used to the idea a bit....

i already told my mother about pirate, but thats only because she was harping on about me maybe meeting someone at work and how awful the puppy was.... so i told her to shut her up smile She has decided she likes him but i suspect thats because of his job and the fact he owns his own house...

sponge, when ( not IF) you get a second/ third date, you will have to tell him.... thats if he can hear over our collective cheeringsmile

hatesponge Mon 15-Oct-12 15:43:32

I'm not starting it! - I can never think of a suitably wittyb and inspiring title smile

Watch I think he may have some idea that I date but no more than that. It's not like I ever see the same bloke more than once anyway so there's not much to tell, and it's bad enough that most people in RL consider there's something wrong with me because I can't get a boyfriend, without my children thinking so as well...

OhWesternWind Mon 15-Oct-12 15:43:30

Yes, I'm the same and only talk about dating to you lot on here, plus my cousin who's also dating (and we update each other almost every day, kind of like this thread) and my good friend from where I used to live. I just didn't want the constant wondering if I'd met anyone and more pressure off people. Haven't told my mum at all, although she has babysat for me once or twice. I don't know if she would be horrified or not but she would not be able to stop herself from keep going on about it, and even if she didn't say anything I'd know she was thinking it!

Conversation with dd age 10 last night
DD Who are you going out with tonight?
Me No-one you know (my standard response, covers all eventualities)
DD Is it a man or a woman?
Me Well, it's a man.
DD Oooooh is it rrromance (with a lovely rolled R) or friends?
Me DD go and watch telly!

So I am sure she suspects! Told him about this last night and he was laughing, having had a similar conversation with his eldest son starting off "Dad, why are you going out a lot now?"

Might drop it into conversation a bit having read the posts above, might not as it would get back to my mum pretty sharpish.

raskolnikov Mon 15-Oct-12 15:40:34

DS2 told me on Saturday that before we went out again he'd need to meet this guy's parents to make sure he's suitable! He was also wandering around with a baseball bat in his hand about 15 mins before he turned up yesterday - protective, much??

Actually, when I told him (I'm going to call him Hendrix) he said, he's welcome to meet my Dad - he'll scare the daylights out of him like he does everyone else!! grin

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 15-Oct-12 15:30:54

gosh, we need a new thread soon, whos going to start it?

chaotic - yeah, i think thats partially why i avoided it too.....

sponge - but does he know you date? perhaps that might be a way for him to get used to the idea first?

ChaoticismyLife Mon 15-Oct-12 15:02:23

Tbh, I told only a couple of people that I was dating. I didn't want the pressure of 'Have you met anyone yet.' or 'You must be doing something wrong.'. I tend to be a private person when it comes to this type of thing, so I don't usually tell many people in rl. I will talk for England when it comes to anything else but more personal stuff I talk to very few people about. I come on here instead grin It's easier to 'chat' about it on here with other people who are in the same boat, so to speak.

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 15-Oct-12 15:01:23

yeah - i think thats why i did too. because its so up and down, and ive had so many dates that i think people might think there is something wrong with me or something... and because more often than not it all leads knowhere.

hatesponge Mon 15-Oct-12 15:00:58

I can't imagine easily introducing anyone to the DSs. I know DS1 in particular would be v uncomfortable with the idea of me having 'a boyfriend', he has already told me as much. Mind you, it's not like there's any prospect of it happening so not really worth me worrying about!

The Evil Ex met DS1 after about 2 weeks, but then he was only 18 months old at the time smile

raskolnikov Mon 15-Oct-12 14:56:03

watch - I've kept quiet about much of the dating because all my friends are long term marrieds, so the mention of a date gets them all flustered, without knowing any of the ins and outs wink.

The early days are so nice, but for some reason I feel as if I ought to keep it quiet so they don't think I'm a raving sex maniac hmm . Their lives sound very 'regular' by comparison. None of this highs and lows of mine, that's for sure.

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 15-Oct-12 14:45:19

rask- good point again smile
lol at your DD chaotic. but true. you arent some robot nun just because you got divorced. Its normal to date and to socalise etc....

I didnt tell anyone i was dating the puppy for ages, kept having to avoid people, then it became this big secret. Now im just telling people ive had a few dates with pirate. and if it doesnt work out, then it doesnt. its fine - people that dont know any of my dating stuff are all like ' phew, we thought you had gone asexual or something'
ha, if only they knew, but ive kind of kept all the dating stuff on the down low, i dont quite know why....

raskolnikov Mon 15-Oct-12 14:38:05

And another thing - looking at teenagers' friendships and relationships, there is always so much drama and involvement by friends, ex's and anyone else within earshot, that hopefully I can show them it doesn't have to be like that

(Hmm .. fat chance!)

ChaoticismyLife Mon 15-Oct-12 14:36:10

watch I'm currently claiming jsa so claim hb and cb too atm. Dd is at uni, ds has just started claiming jsa, having spent the last 3 years in FE. He has asd so has an appointment next week with someone in order for them to give him the extra support he needs in job hunting. This isn't where I saw myself a few years ago but still needs must. I just have to keep hoping that someone will give me a job soon, or at the very least an interview.

A couple of years ago I did tell dd that I was going on a date. She was16 at the time and the first thing she said was 'It's about time.' I think I was more worried about them knowing than she was.

raskolnikov Mon 15-Oct-12 14:34:51

absolutely, watch, the two parents married idea is spot on - not only are they not in that set up now, its likely it won't be their own experience either - so seeing how it can be dealt with sensitively and without hurt, drama etc must be a good thing.

The next thing I have to deal with is not to move forward too quickly, I've had one LT relationship but he's had 2 marriages and a few shorter ones, so my mantra will have to be 'take it easy, there's no hurry etc etc'.

Memo to self to enjoy the moment...

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 15-Oct-12 14:25:43

rask - thats great smile

i think you are totally right, because, why shouldnt they meet?
Also - its good for them to know its ok to date, and sometimes for that not to end in marriage, and how to be safe, treat people etc...etc.... they arent getting a two parents married role model, so providing another one where you dont have to be some sort of nun devoid of any romantic feeling is daft.
I think they key is probably to keep talking them, see how they feel and do things that they are comftable with.

raskolnikov Mon 15-Oct-12 14:18:33

Hi all

Sorry I haven't had a chance to catch up on the whole thread since i was here on Friday.

This is a good question and one which has just been answered for me without me having to do much about it.

Been seeing a lovely guy for 2 months or so, kids have heard him mentioned but I thought it was too early to meet. Always had the idea that it would make the situation serious and involved and more than I wanted it to be. So, in 5 years of being single, they've met one guy. My DS1 told me the other weekend he was a bit concerned at that time cos he thought I was going to announce something major! I wasn't anywhere near that point but we'd been on and off for several months.

I was always determined that my kids wouldn't see a succession of men appearing at the weekend and then disappearing off the scene. (not that regular, of course, IYSWIM)

However, now new guy suggested yesterday (after a lovely day/night at his) that he could come back with me. I hesitated but eventually we arranged to meet up for a drink last night and he picked me up from home and met DS2 DD and 2 friends who were here. The kids went completely hyper and OTT before he arrived and then were silent when he appeared! We all ended up laughing about it and all was ok. I don't want them thinking this is necessarily going to be the next big thing, but equally why shouldn't they meet? Theyre old enough now to be able to cope with it, I think. My kids are 20, 17 and 13.

TBH its a relief to have it out of the way and when we got in the car to go out, he breathed a huge sigh of relief - I hadn't realised how nervous he was about it !

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 15-Oct-12 14:05:08

i cant take credit - time was telling me about it.

tbh it does make lots of sense. you dont hold back introducing just friends to your children so why create this big mythical thing out of a boyfriend? it just creates pressure and expectation.

IF i get that far with pirate, ill do something on the friends theme at about 6 -8 weeks.

and yes, not eating does tend to result in weight loss. aRE YOU children at uni? might be worth arguing you case with your council if you claim HB, my friend did and they are still paying her rent.....

ChaoticismyLife Mon 15-Oct-12 13:53:58

See I knew someone would come up with some better advice grin

That we introduce our children to new people all the time as friends, and questioning why as soon as its a man we are shagging it becomes such a big deal. That the danger with waiting a long time is that you might become so emotionally involved that if they dont get on with your children you want to overlook that... because its harder to dump. And that seeing how they mix with your family is important in deciding how to move the relationship forward.

That is a very good point.

I'm fine thanks, watch smile

Not been doing much, still job hunting and trying to get my finances sorted out. I've recently realised just how much better off I was, financially, when my children were officially children. I weighed myself the other day and I've lost quite a few pounds in weight so there is a bright side.

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 15-Oct-12 13:51:37

so, dd is 6. with the puppy i did:
q1 - 3 months, but she knew about him after 2 months.
q2 - he came round for dinner, brought a game which we all played.
q3 - it went fine. DD liked him and keeps asking when we are seeing him again. I made sure that he wasnt here all that often, and we still had lots of time just us, so she didnt feel ousted. I also talked to her about it and asked how she felt ( which i think is important so they feel heard)

watchoutforthatsnail Mon 15-Oct-12 13:41:38

see,i thought that too.
I introduced puppy at 3 months, then dumped him for the first time 2 weeks later...

there is also the other school of thought, and im sure there has been a study on this recently as Timeforme was telling me about it.

That we introduce our children to new people all the time as friends, and questioning why as soon as its a man we are shagging it becomes such a big deal. That the danger with waiting a long time is that you might become so emotionally involved that if they dont get on with your children you want to overlook that... because its harder to dump. And that seeing how they mix with your family is important in deciding how to move the relationship forward.

So - i think im going to be a whole lot more relaxed about it next time. I dont tihnk it means start snogging in front of them, or have a stream of men in your bed, but just that they can be introduced as friends quite easily.....

hows you chaotic? what have you been up to?

ChaoticismyLife Mon 15-Oct-12 13:10:57

Hmm...I'd say Miranda has it about right but of course if someone else is going to try and cause trouble that makes things more difficult. Maybe err on the side of caution...if a date turns into several dates then mention him, as a friend to start with. I think the best thing is to just make sure you reassure your dc, in an age appropriate way, that they'll always come first and you'll always be there for them.

It's hard for me to advise because I don't know your dc so feel free to ignore anything I say grin I'm sure someone else will be able to give you better advice soon. My youngest is now 18 and at uni so I'm in a different situation to you.

EiePie Mon 15-Oct-12 13:06:16

Miranda 6 months!? I can only aspire to six months! Well done Missus! x

This thread is not accepting new messages.