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Feel like all my work is not recognised by partner..... 26 week old son

(19 Posts)
Scotlandfly Fri 28-Sep-12 10:03:50

Hy there,
I am an EU national and so my family lives quite far away.
My partners family is not close either so till now it has only been my partner and me looking after little one.

Since he was born we moved twice, I do all the housework (cooking for partner excluded as he is on a diet and cooks for himself), but I do all cleaning, clothes, dishes, shopping and childcare. Cant even remember the last time he changed a nappie..... two month ago maybe? Some things like bathing him he cant do as he had a dislocated disc recently so has to be careful bending and lifting. But is it fair that I have to do nearly everything?

I dont know, I dont want to seem unfair and all, but I do a lot all day and when he comes home it seems like he thinks I sit on the couch and watch TV all day, which I certainly dont do. My son is a bright and social child, he wants to be entertained a lot, but plays by himself too. Daytime naps are ok. Doesent sleep well at night. So I am quite tired and by the end of the day I am so shattered that when he wakes up soon after bedtime (talking 30-45 min here) I just sit on the couch for 5 minutes wishing he d just go back to sleep.
This morning he has had the nerve to tell me that it makes Juniour insecure when I dont respond instantly when he wakes up.

It is not that I let him cry. I was just collecting myself so that I was calm and ready by the time I went to the baby. Is that so wrong?

Sometimes I just want a bit of reassurance that I amdoing a good job and that not everything has to be perfect all the time.
I dont really need critisism on top of my own doubts.

Any suggestions to what I should do?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 28-Sep-12 10:12:19

If you're being taken for granted - which you are - then you have to make a stand. If he's being shitty besides... and that comment about making 'junior insecure' is unbelieveable nasty - then you have to stand up for yourself even more or you will end up in all kinds of trouble.

A partnership or marriage is meant to be equal. Both people should pull their weight. Both should be appreciative of each other's efforts. NO-ONE should be anyone else's servant.

Long-term I suggest you make yourself less reliant on this man because, in his eyes, you are his possession. Get a job, put some money away, and be as independent as possible. Short-term I suggest you put plenty of dates in your diary when you are out of the home and DP has to look after the baby solo.

moonbells Fri 28-Sep-12 10:15:14

Get this

Scotlandfly Fri 28-Sep-12 10:17:43

Thing is, I am (as of next week) a full time student again.
Plus my partner started a job this week and is away from home from 7.30am to 5-6pm. So that doesent really give him much time with little one.

My family is not very supportive but with uni and baby I cant realy go work, too.

I dont feel like a servant, but I guess a thanks would be nice.

@CogitoErgoSometimes: I can see your point. And also where you are coming from. Probably should tell my partner that I need more hands-on support.

Dahlen Fri 28-Sep-12 10:19:10

Why have you moved twice? That's an enormous amount of strain to put on you with a new baby! Are there background stressors here that are making things worse?

What has your DP said when you tell him what you've told us? His answer could be quite telling.

Long and short of it is that you need to get him to appreciate what you do. If he can't or won't, you may want to rethink the entire relationship. Getting him to appreciate it should be possible simply by telling him (if he loves you and respects your feelings), but you can also demonstrate it by leaving him in sole charge of DS for a weekend or something. Many a father has been shocked into respecting the way the mothers of their children deal with everything when finding themselves in a similar situation with no help.

Scotlandfly Fri 28-Sep-12 10:26:54

As we were both students when I was pregnant we were living in on-campus accommondation. Because of the pregnanc I was then (illigally) forced by College Accommodations manager to move out (despite SAT contract) with threats that I was not allowed to get back into the property when the baby was born.
Then I moved (on my own) in with a fellow student who lived 1hour drive away from College.
And in the end we found a place for the three of us about 45 min drive away from College.

Other stressors included my partners Bachelor Thesis and final University year with the newborn in the house. He runs support groups in Town for young people, and goes to sport sessions, so is gone two evenings of the week, too.

As he is on a diet and making sport he goes to the gym (morning/evenings) which again leaves me with the baby...

I know he loves me, but he can be hard work sometimes. And he knows that.
I dont know. I guess sometimes I would just appreciate 1/2 hour to myself.

Dahlen Fri 28-Sep-12 10:33:59

OK I'm prepared to cut him a little slack as he's obviously been pushing himself very hard, but you have had by far the more difficult set of circumstances to deal with and he needs to face up to that and start supporting you.

While it's great he's taking his health seriously, it's not on that he gets to swan off to the gym taking it for granted that you will be caring for the baby. It is only right that you get equivalent time to yourself. This baby is 50% your responsibility and 50% his responsibility. Do not let him forget it. If he wants to support young people he can start with the mother of his child and his newborn son!

Was this baby unplanned? Is there perhaps an element of him being ill prepared for this and running away a little? Very understandable, but if he wants to pride himself on being a responsible adult and a decent human being, he needs to Get Over It and start facing up to it just as you have had to do.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 28-Sep-12 10:36:11

So what youre really saying is that he's not so much 'DP' as your boyfriend, you got pregnant and now you're trying to make the best of a bad job, moving in together etc while he carries on the same as he did before, making no allowances for fatherhood....

Scotlandfly Fri 28-Sep-12 10:45:36

Well, baby was unplanned but not unwanted and the LO is much, much loved.
My partner is a lot older than me (i am early twenty´s) and he has raised a former partners child before.
He is overweight and he says he wants to get fit and healthy so he can stay an active member in LO´s live.

He cooks for LO as the baby seems to like his cooking better than mine....
I dont think he is running from the responsibility, he was very happy about LO and was a great support through pregnancy and birth.

Not so shure we have lots of major changes in the last few weeks and also coming up again. Maybe its just ill timing. He adores our son and is a proud dad.
But as I said, most of the work ends up with me.....

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 28-Sep-12 10:51:34

It's just that you seem to be operating from a position of gratitude or guilt which is making you doubt if you're entitled to expect him to behave differently. Like you feel you owe him something or it's your fault you got pregnant & put him in this situation??

If his life is carrying on exactly as it did pre-baby then he has not embraced the responsibility. So what if he cooks a few meals? The bottom line is that you are not in an equal relationship, things have to change, & you shouldn't be frightened to demand those changes. Stop making excuses for him.

Dahlen Fri 28-Sep-12 10:57:17

I agree with Cogito. Whether this baby was planned or unplanned doesn't mitigate the fact that it took two of you to make him and therefore he is your joint and equal responsibility.

It's not your job to facilitate your DP's other activities unless he's prepared to pay you the same courtesy. He would not be able to do any of his activities if it weren't for you providing childcare when he does. He should be grateful to you.

I'm sure your DP has his good points - you wouldn't be with him otherwise - but he does need to change his perspective.

Scotlandfly Fri 28-Sep-12 11:32:39

Thanks guys, I ll see that I talk to him on the weekend.
Make my points clear and tell him that I cant take it like this.
I cant take care of the baby 24/7 on my own, plus with Uni starting next week thats extra stress for me.

Hopefully that ll go ok.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 28-Sep-12 11:49:10

Hopefully yes. But if it doesn't go OK & if he insists on carrying on his life same as before with zero sacrifices, taking you for granted etc., you need to have a Plan B. I can see how, if you're far from your family, have struggled to find accommodation, are a full-time student etc you may think that your options are limited. Remember that you always have choices and you always deserve equality, respect and appreciation. Never feel obliged to settle for second best, whatever your circumstances

Scotlandfly Sat 29-Sep-12 01:42:34

I dont know, right now I feel like I could cry, and I nearly did.

If I dont get to Little One at night time wakes (talking/crying) I get told off by BF, ..... If I go on the other hand I get told off to for comforting him too often. Dont know feel like I cant do anything right n his eyes.

He was so proud yesterday when Baby was laughing and gurgeling and saying dadadadada all the time. Which kinda made me angry too. Like what gave him two cuddles today? Thanks for that.

Really down right now.

izzyizin Sat 29-Sep-12 02:03:08

He's slipped a disc and has to be careful bending/lifting so he can't bathe/change his ds or, presumably, use a hoover, do cleaning/laundry but he goes to the gym twice a day hmm What does he do at the gym? Sit on the treadmill and look at the weights?

StuntGirl Sat 29-Sep-12 02:07:26

His criticisms while he does sweet FA are NOT welcome and you need to make that clear.

Izzy raises a good point about the gym.

izzyizin Sat 29-Sep-12 02:22:45

It seems to me his criticisms are NOT welcome at any time, StuntGirl, and the OP needs to make that crystal clear to the idle twat grin

If he needs to work out twice a day he can do that home and prance around to zumba music while he's plying the hoover. Babies make extremely good weights as they get heavier every day smile

Who diagnosed his dislocated disc? Dr Google? Is that why he doesn't seem to have 'physio' listed anywhere on his busy schedule? hmm

solidgoldbrass Sat 29-Sep-12 02:41:56

So he's older than you and already has a child? Is he one of your lecturers/tutors? Was he with the mother of his other child for a long time? I'm just wondering, as I think I can see a picture of a selfish and rather predatory man who is moving from one young woman (who he perceives and treats as a grateful, submissive possession who should be delighted to be 'loved' by him and therefore serve him and raise his children) to the next.

Scotlandfly Sat 29-Sep-12 12:00:39

Actually he is not one of my lectures.
He was a fellow students (as I already wrote above!) of mine and Graduated this year.
He was a step-parent when he was very young and stayed with that woman and her child for over 13 years.
Just as a note: All his previous relationships have been with a similar age range as his and I am the only one who is significantly younger. As to the spine:
Not a google diagnosis, he s already had vertebra rebuilt through spinal surgery.

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