Overcoming victim mentality

[Salbertina]

That's it. Anyone want to hold hands in this endeavour? Tricky family dynamic - toxic ma etc- need to move beyond. Counselling highlighted I need to move beyond default victim role. Finding quite hard as rather entrenched.

[Salbertina]

Anyone? Trying to be proactive and not passive and hiding behind blame. Absolutely big for everyone but what I feelI need in my relationships

[Salbertina]

Absolutely NOT for everyone, what I meant!

[Feckbox]

Hi Salbertina. Do you mean you subconsciously adopt the victim role in all relationships?

[pictish]

Um - it's not very good advice, but I suppose it's basically about checking out of the pity party, and realising you are in charge of your own life.
Someone will only treat you like you let them. Someone will only make you feel like you let them.

And other bollocks cliches like that.

[Salbertina]

Pictish, that's right.

Feckbox, there is that danger, yes.

[Salbertina]

But it's "just" rewiring or "faking til you make it" bollox to achieve this! My default from upbringing is victim, I now realize.

[Salbertina]

Didn't mean to sound as harsh as I did. Sorry , wine and dealing w upset Mil- with -dh combo. Still at least not my mother herself!

[Shakey1500]

Cliches are useful :)

Mine would be that if you allow yourself to be victimised then the perp (too many US Cop shows) has "won". What better revenge than to NOT have a persons actions define the rest of your life?

[Dahlen]

Little mental trick. Is there a fictional hero you really admire who always handles every situation with panache and doesn't let anyone trample over him or her? If so, whenever you're in a difficult situation, think 'what would XXX do about this' and emulate it. You will be surprised at how quickly it becomes habit if you stick at it. You will get an enormous boost to your self-esteem the first time you do it that's almost like a rush. Good luck.

[Salbertina]

Shall try that! Who do you think of?

[monsterchild]

I think of the Tick. He's 400 pounds and nigh indestructible. He's also dumb as bag of rocks, but an amazing optimist.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

My 'inner diva' is Joan Collins in her Dynasty incarnation :) She'd be the one at restaurants ordering things that aren't on the menu, prepared in precise fashion. Flinging things around hotel rooms if there were the wrong sort of pillows. And... most of all... she wouldn't turn so much as an eyelash if other people don't like what she says. Might not embrace the full bitchiness completely but it's certainly the moment you know you've got assertiveness licked. i.e When you say exactly what you think and genuinely don't care that others are fainting in horror/sending you to Coventry/looking up hit-men in the Thompsons Local/etc.

[amillionyears]

I am struggling to understand this.
Are you saying you let others trample all over you,or that you think they trample all over you when in fact sometimes they dont?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I read it that the OP defaults to accepting blame, being the victim and letting others ride roughshod rather than standing up for herself. I think the counsellor is asking the OP to change the way she thinks i.e not as a victim, whereas I and others are suggesting to change the way she acts. Actions are far easier to alter than ingrained feelings and, as long as the outward face you adopt is convincing, it doesn't matter what you're thinking at all.

[amillionyears]

So does the op really deep down think she is at fault and really to blame?

[Feckbox]

dahlen, that's a good trick. My imagined hero is my mum

[Salbertina]

Amillion- to answer yr Q, both.

That is I - and counsellor -think that I have default setting of victim due to childhood emotional abuse. As a result, i tend at times to be overly passive/conflict-avoidant allowing domineering people in the normal hurly burly of every day interaction and jostling for position to bully me. That is until i sometimes blow, seemingly without provocation from pent-up resentment. As opposed to standing up to them in the moment in the normal way. This applies much more w women -friends, family due to v difficult -NPD- dm and dsis.

Am hyper alert to any invalidation/.rejection, both of which I do take v personally and yes feel-ultimately-that it is my fault. I can be v good ah hiding this for a long while with friends but eventually leaks out one way or another.

That's what I'm trying to work through in order to improve my relationships.

[amillionyears]

I think you may need a RL buddy/mentor in this regard.
Do you have someone who you can regularly turn to.So when there are incidents or things brewing,you can talk it over with the mentor who can advise you on the best course of action.

[Salbertina]

Would love one. Have counsellor here and a couple of wise v supportive friends back in uk... And supportive dh and lovely MIL do what they can tho own issues too.

[amillionyears]

With those people,do you think they can help you with this issue.
I suppose it partly depends on you telling them more or less as soon as inccidents happen.

[Salbertina]

Yes, you're right. I feel rather embarrassed to admit to some of them tho, often such incidents out of context seem so petty in retrospect! But yes need a guiding hand so I should try this more. Do you find the same, Amillion?

[amillionyears]

No I am fine
I observed at close hand someone being a bit of a victim,so was determined not to do it myself.

[Salbertina]

Good for you. Rather entrenched w me so fighting myself rather but plan to get there! Some kick- arse behavior today helping!

[SoleSource]

Anne of Green Gables is mine. Fab idea!

[amillionyears]

You sound like you are on the right track to me.