We rely on advertising to keep the lights on.

Please consider adding us to your whitelist.



Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

My Experience With SS :/

(108 Posts)

Well thats just it. I could write a fucking novel on every shitty thing that could possibly happen, because with the exception of losing a parent or child to death, i've 'bin there done that' ..

Some people on here will see me posting with opinions on the Social Services (Childrens' Services) and will know i'm not the happiest with them.

This is my story, my explaination. Never written it in full before, so it may be a drip feed as things come back, a lot of it shut away for my own sanity..

It also saves me hijacking other peeps threads, lol.

I was 4 when my parents split up. My DF had cheated with my DM's best friend. That was disgustingly traumatic, added to which i and my Dsis got dragged through courtrooms and family mediation, seeing my mum cry was dreadful..the most frightening thing i remember as a child.

DM had always been physically abusive towards us (found out later this is why my DF fought for custody so hard) however, at the time, i remember hating him for leaving, and making mum cry.

My mum got with an abusive man, who i now know she had been hovering on the verge of cheating on my DF with anyway.

SD beat mum regularly, usually over our 'behaviour', or her treating us better than the 2 DS's they subsequently had. We all got treated the same from what i remember.

I rarely saw my DF, SM was jealous of us, and they had a disabled LO together followed shortly afterwards by Ssis and Sb, when we did see DF, SM always said we had behaved badly while he wasn't there, i overheard her saying we couldn't come to stay any more because we had been a lot of trouble, and that my Dsis had hit SDsis, who had cerebral palsy. This was completely untrue, and when DF asked, i said so. I think he chose the quiet life option after that and began to see us less regularly.

I always felt both mum and DF in their own way blamed me for outing DF's affair.
Oh well hmm

We regularly did the sitting in the window thing, asking DM what time was DF coming, what colour was his car so we could see it, often ending up disappointed. I feel for my DM now having to deal with two distraught kids.
One time DF actually bothered to turn up, he took us to a party at a friends' home. I distinctly remember him sitting with SM's DD from a previous relationship on his lap, or standing holding her on his hip, she looked upset and uncomfortable. whenever she got off his lap, it wasn't long until he scooped her up again. We all stayed overnight at this friend of my fathers'.
Later that night, i got up to go to the loo, i was aged about 7. I remember i couldn't find the light pull so went to the loo in the dark. Being a strange house, i worried about finding my way back to the room.

When someone came in the room, and quietly got into the bed with me, i was absolutely petrified. He went on to masturbate on me. I thought he had wee'd on me sad he told me.. 'If you tell your dad, i will make sure he never wants to see you ever again'
Well, been as i rarely saw my dad, this concerned me greatly. So i kept quiet. I guessed it wasn't as if he'd hurt me? .. So not a problem, really. Anyway, DF did his usual not visiting trick after that, so i assumed he had been told and thought i was disgusting and not worth bothering with.

I didn't tell DM, i believed she would tell SF and that would cause more rows, leading to her being hit more.

She eventually left him, and we moved to be closer to DM's parents and DF's parents weren't that far away either.
The only constant in my life had been DG and DSG on my dads' side, and my DAunt. If it wasn't for them we wouldn't have had holidays or a lot of toys. Indeed when DM left SD, it was to their home we went until a place in a refuge was found. DF did turn up there a few times hoping to reconcile with DM, i heard them discussing it. She wasn't interested.

Didn't see DF then much really, up until i was about 15 and he split with SM after finding out she'd been cheating while he was at work. Without SM and her constraints on him seeing us, and his sudden need for babysitters, it appeared we were welcome to go to his house again.
DM supported him through the split. I wasn't aware but at some point he struggled so much with being a lone parent to three DC's and also working, he had to put SDsis into respite care and the other 2 went into foster care with a friend of his.
He then moved into a house given to him to use by his work, having to sell the family home which had been specially adapted. SDsis had to stay in care, but the others, being older and able to walk to and from school by this time and cope for a little while until he came back, returned to his care.

I despised him by now, i had had DD and wondered how he could walk away from the type of love i felt for her.
Three years later, i had DS and DF cared for DD while i was in hospital, and our relationship recovered slightly. He began visiting me, and i stayed over some weekends while he was working. It was during this time when he asked me, did i know anything about his friend, who had been accused of abusing a number of girls, including his own DD, and SM's DD. The man i remembered from the party..

I denied anything had happened to me, i still felt dirty and raw about what had happened when i was a teen, and was going through the fallout of DD's abuse.. Will put this in another post but supported SDsis in her statement with what i had seen. Later on i broke down and admitted he had done something to me.

The police were fab, very supportive, but long story short, he was aquitted of all charges, as the DD he had abused had ended up in a psychiatric unit, and i guess the rest of us just weren't believed sad

After that, the abusers' prediction appeared to come true, as the relationship with DF falter shortly after that, and i didn't see him for years. DM didn't believe that i had been abused by the man. The defence for him used details given to him without my knowledge about DD's abuse and this was disclosed in court, they basically said that i used stuff that happened to DD as 'my own supposed experience' which was totally untrue, as what happened to me did not happen to DD.

Sorry this has been long. Will write my other post now <cracks knuckles>

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Thu 03-Jan-13 00:14:53

Follow up : Sorry for bumping ancient post.. smile

DD is due to be looked at by a Paediatrician soon because there is a possibility that she suffered a broken wrist which she didn't get medical attention for despite asking the FC to take her to hospital, FC told her it was just a sprain (no medical experience) and allowed her to cry herself to sleep at night with the pain. In the past few weeks the joint has been hurting her sad

All other paperwork ready so waiting on the result of this (an xray to see if she has an old injury improperly healed) plus examination, then we can press forward with consulting the solicitor.

I hope everyone is well x

izzyhasanewchangeling Thu 03-Jan-13 00:36:12

Things I beheading to sleep now have a nb.

I have been on a thread with you before and will read all your story over next few days.

As the blameless parent of a child victim I am disgusted with social services and can well imagine how this happened.

I am so sorry for all you and dd have been through and also ds separated from his sister.

CuddlyBlanket Thu 03-Jan-13 01:11:34

OP just read till you and dd 18 got back.

I believe you both.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Thu 03-Jan-13 01:35:00

Oh Izzy congrats thanks

So pleased to hear! I bet you're exhausted xx Speak to you soon smile

Cuddly, thank you smile I actually feel rotten about all this, i feel like i'm looking like i'm rubbing my hands together 'they've done something else to DD' but i feel hollowed out.. they were supposed to be looking after her..?

The SW i spoke to sounded resigned when i told her i wanted the tests done ASAP as she said 'They know you are coming for them, and from what i know, they deserve all they get, i'm sorry for how your family has been treated.'

The bundle i've put together reads like a catalogue of abuse hmm

New things have come out now me and DD have had chance to speak to one another. Poor DD. I'm proud of her.

On a better note, i am 'Mum' now and get hugs (albeit awkward ones lol)

I just don't ever want anyone else going through this.

fassit Tue 22-Jan-13 20:23:47

I am going through hell with lies with ss and am trying help the person running this site below who had nightmares as well. We are trying to collate lists of 'good solicitors- legal aid' who are not corrupt. If any of you know of any please pm so I can get a list going for the site. Any other ideas please let me know. This is going to be m mission in life to help anyone I can....


ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Sun 10-Feb-13 15:48:17

Good solicitor.. Sarah Tierney, Glaysiers, Birmingham. She is honest and forthright and doesn't be gentle on the 'opposition' lol

FarBetterNow Sun 10-Feb-13 16:22:17

I have no wise words.
Lots of Love to you.
Life can be so unfair for some.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Mon 11-Feb-13 14:00:45


This comment : And the best bit is, they have designed the system so you can't complain. I made a long list of complaints to the Council, they refused to answer them because it might "prejudice the outcome of the current proceedings" but also made sure my complaint letter got added to my paperwork and intend to use it as further evidence of my unwillingness to accept the judge's "facts" about me. I referred it to the Ombudsman, and yesterday got told that they also can't investigate it because of court proceedings. And of course when the proceedings are over I can't put my complaint in again either.
: Pretty much sums up the position i'm in now, i can't make complaints again, can't make them on DD's behalf, she just wants nothing to do with them, and i can't blame her, but how do i tell her its now or never with these complaints due to time limits.. they will get away with what they have done because they have traumatised her.

And yesterday i found out that from the age of 12 she has been self harming sad They never told me, only found out because she has recently started doing it again after a two year break, because she's feeling bullied at college. I have dealt with it, but her lack of social confidence and skills keeps leading her back into the same corner sad

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now