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My Experience With SS :/

(108 Posts)

Well thats just it. I could write a fucking novel on every shitty thing that could possibly happen, because with the exception of losing a parent or child to death, i've 'bin there done that' ..

Some people on here will see me posting with opinions on the Social Services (Childrens' Services) and will know i'm not the happiest with them.

This is my story, my explaination. Never written it in full before, so it may be a drip feed as things come back, a lot of it shut away for my own sanity..

It also saves me hijacking other peeps threads, lol.

I was 4 when my parents split up. My DF had cheated with my DM's best friend. That was disgustingly traumatic, added to which i and my Dsis got dragged through courtrooms and family mediation, seeing my mum cry was dreadful..the most frightening thing i remember as a child.

DM had always been physically abusive towards us (found out later this is why my DF fought for custody so hard) however, at the time, i remember hating him for leaving, and making mum cry.

My mum got with an abusive man, who i now know she had been hovering on the verge of cheating on my DF with anyway.

SD beat mum regularly, usually over our 'behaviour', or her treating us better than the 2 DS's they subsequently had. We all got treated the same from what i remember.

I rarely saw my DF, SM was jealous of us, and they had a disabled LO together followed shortly afterwards by Ssis and Sb, when we did see DF, SM always said we had behaved badly while he wasn't there, i overheard her saying we couldn't come to stay any more because we had been a lot of trouble, and that my Dsis had hit SDsis, who had cerebral palsy. This was completely untrue, and when DF asked, i said so. I think he chose the quiet life option after that and began to see us less regularly.

I always felt both mum and DF in their own way blamed me for outing DF's affair.
Oh well hmm

We regularly did the sitting in the window thing, asking DM what time was DF coming, what colour was his car so we could see it, often ending up disappointed. I feel for my DM now having to deal with two distraught kids.
One time DF actually bothered to turn up, he took us to a party at a friends' home. I distinctly remember him sitting with SM's DD from a previous relationship on his lap, or standing holding her on his hip, she looked upset and uncomfortable. whenever she got off his lap, it wasn't long until he scooped her up again. We all stayed overnight at this friend of my fathers'.
Later that night, i got up to go to the loo, i was aged about 7. I remember i couldn't find the light pull so went to the loo in the dark. Being a strange house, i worried about finding my way back to the room.

When someone came in the room, and quietly got into the bed with me, i was absolutely petrified. He went on to masturbate on me. I thought he had wee'd on me sad he told me.. 'If you tell your dad, i will make sure he never wants to see you ever again'
Well, been as i rarely saw my dad, this concerned me greatly. So i kept quiet. I guessed it wasn't as if he'd hurt me? .. So not a problem, really. Anyway, DF did his usual not visiting trick after that, so i assumed he had been told and thought i was disgusting and not worth bothering with.

I didn't tell DM, i believed she would tell SF and that would cause more rows, leading to her being hit more.

She eventually left him, and we moved to be closer to DM's parents and DF's parents weren't that far away either.
The only constant in my life had been DG and DSG on my dads' side, and my DAunt. If it wasn't for them we wouldn't have had holidays or a lot of toys. Indeed when DM left SD, it was to their home we went until a place in a refuge was found. DF did turn up there a few times hoping to reconcile with DM, i heard them discussing it. She wasn't interested.

Didn't see DF then much really, up until i was about 15 and he split with SM after finding out she'd been cheating while he was at work. Without SM and her constraints on him seeing us, and his sudden need for babysitters, it appeared we were welcome to go to his house again.
DM supported him through the split. I wasn't aware but at some point he struggled so much with being a lone parent to three DC's and also working, he had to put SDsis into respite care and the other 2 went into foster care with a friend of his.
He then moved into a house given to him to use by his work, having to sell the family home which had been specially adapted. SDsis had to stay in care, but the others, being older and able to walk to and from school by this time and cope for a little while until he came back, returned to his care.

I despised him by now, i had had DD and wondered how he could walk away from the type of love i felt for her.
Three years later, i had DS and DF cared for DD while i was in hospital, and our relationship recovered slightly. He began visiting me, and i stayed over some weekends while he was working. It was during this time when he asked me, did i know anything about his friend, who had been accused of abusing a number of girls, including his own DD, and SM's DD. The man i remembered from the party..

I denied anything had happened to me, i still felt dirty and raw about what had happened when i was a teen, and was going through the fallout of DD's abuse.. Will put this in another post but supported SDsis in her statement with what i had seen. Later on i broke down and admitted he had done something to me.

The police were fab, very supportive, but long story short, he was aquitted of all charges, as the DD he had abused had ended up in a psychiatric unit, and i guess the rest of us just weren't believed sad

After that, the abusers' prediction appeared to come true, as the relationship with DF falter shortly after that, and i didn't see him for years. DM didn't believe that i had been abused by the man. The defence for him used details given to him without my knowledge about DD's abuse and this was disclosed in court, they basically said that i used stuff that happened to DD as 'my own supposed experience' which was totally untrue, as what happened to me did not happen to DD.

Sorry this has been long. Will write my other post now <cracks knuckles>

I don't know if i have the wrong assessment name then. I remember bitterly complaining to the last SW about 28 days being too short for something and she agreed that it should be more open ended. Maybe it'll come to me in a bit.. dont want to have to dig out all my paperwork and recordings from the loft lol.. it will bug me now grin

lisad123 Sat 29-Sep-12 00:07:53

Core assessment?

Thats the baby lol <brushes away cobwebs> thanks .. it was bugging me.. just been to look for the stepladder grin

UsingAPsuedonym Sat 29-Sep-12 00:51:01

Nothing to say other than I've read your story and it's made me so sad. I just wish I had means to make life easier for you both now after being through such an awful ordeal.

Thank you for your kind thoughts.. its much appreciated! < unmumsnetty ((hug)) >

NormaStanleyFletcher Sun 07-Oct-12 13:05:54

Oh Hmmm

I remember you under your previous name, posting while dd was still in FC. so glad that you now have her back, and I am wishing the best for both of you in the future smile

Thank you norma smile its hard, having a child that you know is yours, that you dont really know, is distant from you, acts very entitled like she thinks we should provide for her what SS did. But we are getting there slowly. I am just glad to have my baby back (she is an adult now.. lol its a bit of a shock)

EchoBitch Sun 07-Oct-12 17:28:20

You have many more years ahead of you to get to know each other and enjoy each other,i wish you well.

MadamFolly Sun 07-Oct-12 19:12:18

OP I believe you and I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

Thank you smile

FWIW i wouldn't change it now, it has made me and DD stronger people. Would just like the opportunity to help others.

I have tried to be objective as much as possible, am aware that SS can not tell their 'side' of 'my' story, but nothing here is hidden. I have become aware i am not the only one. I hope MN may do something to make more parents aware of their rights if they ever are unfortunate enough to be in the same position so no one has to rely on people who only got involved because of their own beef with SS and therefore only get one sided 'support' and misleading information.

Me.. i wish i could sue. But i can't. sad

conantg Sun 07-Oct-12 20:13:18

Saddest story I have ever read. I am in awe of your strength and fortitude, and I wish you and your dear ones all the very best for the future.

Thank you, conantg thanks

lovelymummy47 Mon 08-Oct-12 18:32:51

Hmmm I'm sooo sorry for all that you have gone through. You sound brave and strong despite all, I personally have had a traumatizing encounter with the ss and I was nearly going mental in fear that they'd snatch my sweet baby away --have ended up in a mental insitution for a few weeks. To cut long story short, I have to hide myself away from this vile and cruel people who approach "to help" but rather cause so much damage.

I wish you all the happiness in the world honey.

These are for you thanks

LtEveDallas Mon 08-Oct-12 19:15:48

Bloody Hell hmmm your story is horrifying. I wish you EVERYTHING you would wish for yourself, with bells on.

And for the people who treated you so badly, I wish a plague of boils. Big, hairy, stinking, painful boils.

SummerRain Mon 08-Oct-12 21:35:03

Hmmmm, your story will stay with me for a long time. Thank you for sharing it but I'm so sorry you ever had to go through.

Your personal strength is astounding, as is your power of acceptance... Not many could go through what you've described without being eaten alive by hatred and rage.

I hope you can rebuild a relationship with your dd despite what was taken from you both. thanks

SummerRain Mon 08-Oct-12 21:36:35

'Go through it in the first place'... Phone ate it, sorry

mummy1986 Mon 08-Oct-12 21:54:10

I'm so sorry you and your DD had to go through all that trauma.
That must be the saddest story ive read for a very long time.
You are a very stong, remarkable women and your Dc are lucky to have you.

Hmmm I'm sooo sorry for all that you have gone through. You sound brave and strong despite all, I personally have had a traumatizing encounter with the ss and I was nearly going mental in fear that they'd snatch my sweet baby away --have ended up in a mental insitution for a few weeks. To cut long story short, I have to hide myself away from this vile and cruel people who approach "to help" but rather cause so much damage.

Oh love sad they should be the very people you can approach for support. I am told things have changed, don't let my story put you off seeking help! Mine and the few other bad experiences i have read on here and heard about elsewhere, they are a tiny minority.. its sad, but no organisation is infallible, but i would never say all SW's are crap or should be burned at the stake ect smile But there are good ones and bad. Shame its such a lottery.
As long as you have family support, lean on them, or your partner. Thats what they're there for. I would never tell anyone, for example, with PND not to seek help from the right people. Just don't make the same mistake as me if they do get involved and be BRUTALLY honest about feelings, just give them all they need to know to help and support you.

EVE, i wished that the fleas of a thousand camels would infest their crotches and their arms be too short to scratch, LOL..

Summer, thank you thanks
I hope so too, looks like it will never be mum and daughter though, the most i can hope for is 'friends' and i'm happy with that, its all i ever will get back, unless someone invents a time machine sad

Mummy, thank you x thanks

Ok too many but's in my post hahaha

Basically, my experience and those of others aren't 'typical' of the SS especially these days, bear in mind this is 10-11 years on..

They still have their failings and are desperately in need of a huge overhaul, they do have a terrible job to do and how do you decide between a rotten parent who is a good actor, or a genuine, loving parent who is aggressive because they're pissed off that you're questioning their parenting skills, frightened,(an angry or frightened mum is no more worth messing with than a tiger with a thorn in its paw lol) .. i would not like to be in that position.

But there are super-super-superstars in the mix, complete diamonds.
Shame you don't get to 'choose' one you feel comfortable working with..

Please anyone reading this, if you need help, seek it. xx

Matesnotdates Tue 09-Oct-12 00:27:55

OP, that is so so sad. Really heart wrenchingly sad that you should have to go through all that. I am very sorry.

lemontruffles Tue 09-Oct-12 01:02:48

Hmmm your posts are heart wrenchingly sad, but I can't put into words how much I admire your astonishing strength and determination throughout.

My heart goes out to you x x

pickledparsnip Tue 09-Oct-12 01:03:12


DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Tue 09-Oct-12 01:04:06

And many many hugs.

It must have taken alot to write that.
I hope it helps just a little bit.

Can i say what holds me up smile to kind of stop people feeling so bad for me?

I think everyone goes through things for a reason.

The reason i went through this, is because hopefully i can make a difference, one day, something i've said will change something, because i'm not yelling about it or wishing people dead ect.. i know complaints i made during my own experience have changed things already for a number of people, i made HEAPS and a lot of them have led on to positive changes in the system, i didn't just complain from a parent pov, i did from DD's, and DS, and even the social workers'.

Also, twice while i was coming home from contact, where i wouldn't have been if it wasn't for this, i met people in need of my help, who wouldn't have had anyone if it wasn't for me. One was an old lady who i travelled with on a bus to make sure she got home safely.
The other was a (am i allowed to say downs syndrome?) SN man coming home from college, he had missed the coach, and gone for a wander. I took him to the police station, where they called his mum, she literally rugby tackled me to say thank you and out of relief.. never been hugged and kissed so much in my life lol.

I was meant to be there, in that place, at that time, thats what i hold on to smile

SadPunk Tue 09-Oct-12 01:20:09

Wow you sound like a force to be reckoned with, it's shameful that family courts in this country are still closed. It's my worst nightmare to have ss in my life, not because I think they are evil or baby snatchers, but because once they do enter your life you do seem to become so powerless, they were involved with my sibling and her children so I do have some <second hand> experience.

That documentary about cp on the BBC was quite illuminating, also the midwifery one.

So so sorry to hear you went through all this, hopefully life will be on the up and up, your Daughter will mature and hopefully on hearing the full story of what happened will in time realise that you fought as hard as you could.

Bit disappointed that MN had to issue a <this poster is not a troll> message, just goes to show that speaking out against any kind of establishment is a tough thing to do and a lot of people will think you are lying.

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