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totally fed up

(10 Posts)
raspberyfool Thu 27-Sep-12 20:14:09

Can someone tell me how i can stop wanting my Stbxh to love me.
He's left me four months ago with two young dc one still a baby. He found a girlfriend within two weeks of leaving tells me she's his future. And still i want him to tell me that he loves me.

He destroyed my life and moved on so easily. How can he do what he did to our family and be happy. He's told me i did nothing wrong and it was all his fault. Part of me is angry that Im the one suffering and he has got away Scot free.

I know i have my girls and Im always going to have then . Just really low how could he do this to me.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Thu 27-Sep-12 20:33:09

Really sorry this has happened to you. Four months isn't long, so be kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up about your feelings.

When someone treats you badly, it's hard not to turn it back on yourself and feel like shit.

But you must try to stop seeing this as any reflection on you, or wanting his 'love' to make you feel better about yourself. He's a prick and doesn't deserve you or his daughters. Look at your lovely children... how could anyone other than a complete shit leave them?

He's not worth your love or regret. Please realise this reflects on you not at all, only on him.

sunshineandshowers Thu 27-Sep-12 21:14:30

Be kind to yourself. 4 months is nothing. Don't fight these feelings. You are clearly a normal human being and he is not. The fact that he has turned his emotions round soooo quickly is abnormal. That you still have feelings for him, even though he has clearly treated you terribly is totally normal, but v frustrating for you.

Try to get practical. Don't try to make these feelings go away, just try to distract yourself. They will go soon. You clearly have alot on your plate with the two little ones. I know it might sound crass, but get busy. Surround yourself with people that care for you. See friends and family as much as possible. Cook, clean, create a lovely picture montage of your lovely family, do anything to get busy. Have you contacted Gingerbread to try to find other single parents? Have you sorted out the practical stuff yet? Money, house etc?

You are doing brilliantly to have survived this awful shock and to still be caring for your babies. You will look back and be glad that this loser has foisted himself onto some other poor woman. You are free to fly and have a wonderful life x

lydiamama Thu 27-Sep-12 21:19:46

y+Clearly he is not worthy anything. Any man who leaves a pregnant woman or a little baby are crap to my eyes. Come on really, what are they? They have no heart I swear. You are free of such a waste, and your daughters have a better chance in life without such an example of male. You will find someone else, worthy, caring and lovely.
Lots of love

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 28-Sep-12 12:25:54

"How can he do what he did to our family and be happy"

Sorry you've put in this situation. You've only had a few months to get your head around this massive change in your life whereas you'll probably find he'd been gearing up to it for a lot longer. From your perspective it's a sudden revelation and a massive shock, imposed on you by someone else. He's not in shock at all. He's in control. FWIW - and this may not make you feel any better - I doubt that he found the girlfriend so quickly. She was probably always in the wings.

Try not to see it that he 'ruined' your life. You have a lot of life left and, although you may not appreciate this at the moment, one day you'll look back from your new, better life and maybe even think he did you a favour. Be with friends, keep busy and look after yourself in the meantime.

BTW It's good that he feels sorry and accepts blame. While he's feeling guilty, now is the time to formalise the separation, see solicitors, and get the very best settlement for yourself and your children. You're not going to get his love back so you might as well make sure you're taken care of financially. Good luck

susiedaisy Fri 28-Sep-12 12:30:41

Time and getting on with building a new but different life for you and your dc, don't be too hard on yourself I am coming up for two years since my exH and I separated and I am still grieving in a way for the future my dc and I haven't got, but its getting less now and I am slowly slowly building a new life with new routines, family traditions and special memories for just me and my dc, but it is like bereavement in a way it will take time, and there's nothing you can do to make it stop hurting straight away, turn to RL friends maybe counselling if you get some, take care x

deleted203 Fri 28-Sep-12 12:35:18

I hope my story might cheer up up. Ex DH left me 7mths pregnant with 1 yo and 3 yo and moved straight on to new partner, got her pregnant, etc. Several years later I met lovely man (now DH) who adored my children. 9 months into our relationship he wanted to take me to Italy for a romantic holiday (Italy! Me! OMG). It was agreed the DCs who were now 7, 6 & 4 would split the week between Ex and my parents. When I took the children round he opened the door looking exhausted. He had new partner's 6 yo, 4 yo twins, 3 yo, and she was in hospital with pre-eclampsia (pregnant again). I just looked at him and thought, "You are stuck in a shitty little house with 7 children under 7 - and I am going to Italy with my lover! One of us is having a really good time since we divorced" I didn't say anything! Just smiled smile. Believe me, life will get better as time passes. Stay strong.

susiedaisy Fri 28-Sep-12 13:41:16

Bump for you smile

raspberyfool Fri 28-Sep-12 19:42:10

Its just the way he did it hurts the most. When he left he told me he hadn't loved me for two years. He then pulled the im suffering im on the edge of a cliff card so everyone thought he was having a breakdown. I talked endlessly on the phone to him with both us crying and all the time he was with someone.
He expects me to accept his sorry and be happy that he has now found happiness. He says he's sorry but he did nothing wrong as he was not happy. He can't understand that he used me for two years and we even had another child.

But you guys are right i know it will get better i just wish i could stop loving him now and not care what he thinks about me.

Im going to try to be a phoenix and rise from the ashes to make mine and the girls lives wonderful x

BinksToEnlightenment Fri 28-Sep-12 20:08:45

If he turned round now and tried to take it all back, I bet you would realise just how much you have already moved on in the last four months.

I know it doesn't feel like it now - I know the feeling too, I'm one month in from a very distressing break up and feel I've lost everything - but this is a the path that is going to lead you to something much better and brighter than that loser.

The longest journey starts with the first step. You've already been going for four months. You're already getting there. Keep going xx

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