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Need support please - DP are in the process of breaking up

(13 Posts)
OrangeDynevorian Thu 27-Sep-12 14:28:11

I feel so sad. I don't want to break up our family. I don't know what to do. Since the birth of DS (20 months) we have had no sex life, and major bickering and misunderstanding.

DP has said some hurtful things I cant let go of. He said that it was my fault that I got preeclampsia and therefore was induced and had a horrible birth because I put on weight when I was pregnant. He said that he cant comprehend why I wouldn't want to get back into the shape I was before pregnancy. For some context - I am 5 foot 2 and was a size 4-6 before, now I am a 14. I know this is a change but I just wish I wasnt so judged for it. Somedays I think I look horrible and some days I think I look okay, but I know if I were living in some non-image obsessed society it would rarely factor into my thoughts. He told me a few months after the birth that I would have to get in shape before I could have another baby and I think this just made me withdraw from him and not desire to sleep with him.

He is not all bad and says other things that could be supportive but I just feel like I cant let go of the plain mean things that he has said and so these colour the context of the supportive comments and make him seem in my eyes condescending, patronising and pressurising.

I dont want to be with him anymore but I am petrified of the practical consequences of breaking up, so I could do with someone telling me it will be okay.

I don't want to drip feed as there is so much to say that I dont know where to start.

OrangeDynevorian Thu 27-Sep-12 14:30:06

I should add its not all comments towards me in a hurtful way that has lead to this, but also we are no longer on the same page with our humour and conversation so we frequently bicker about someone taking something the wrong way or misunderstanding. It is clearly just doomed i feel.

Toscano Thu 27-Sep-12 14:46:20

It sounds like you know what you need to do, and you sound like you are strong enough to deal with the consequences - which will be far easier than a lifetime spent with a man capable of saying such despicable, unloving things to you.

Hopefully someone else who has been through similar will be along to help soon. Good luck <un-mumsnetty hug> smile

OrangeDynevorian Thu 27-Sep-12 14:53:12

Thanks for answering. You're right I do know, I'm just daunted and scared about going it alone. We've been together for over 8 years and at 29 that feels like my whole life to the point where I don't really know how to be single and live alone. That said, when we have had a blazing row and spend a day ignoring each other I feel at peace (albeit annoyed that it is hard to get my own space), and calm, but right now i feel sad and panicky about it all.

purpleroses Thu 27-Sep-12 14:58:04

I split up with my ex when I was 29, after 6 years of being together and with 2 DC. My only regrets are that I didn't do it sooner. I'm now with a new DP and much happier.

Sort out the practical things you need to do, make lists, etc. Then the rest feels more manageable.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Thu 27-Sep-12 15:01:03


What was your relationship like before the baby?

I don't in any way condone his behaviour but if you had a good relationship before there may be hope that you could get it back again.

He does need to be told that his comments and attitude stink though.

I'm not usually one to say people should stay together for the sake of children but if there is a possibility of a relationship being repaired I think it's worth a try. Even if you were to break up you would still have plenty of contact with him through your daughter so it would be preferable for you to be able to communicate well with him.

Opentooffers Thu 27-Sep-12 15:01:58

How things pan out in a practical way depends on your personal circumstances. The fear of being single is actually worse than doing it. The peace from living life your own way is such a relief from living with the tension created by having someone you no longer get on with or respect. If you have supportive family near by it also makes the transition a lot easier

Opentooffers Thu 27-Sep-12 15:06:00

The media is image-obsessed but genuine, mature and loving people see through that so there is not really an excuse for him being that way. It's a shallow attitude to have

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 27-Sep-12 15:07:14

The practical stuff is why solicitors were invented. I'm a firm believer in information. In fact, when you're in the middle of an emotional shipwreck like a divorce, sometimes the trips to the solictor are like a life-raft to cling onto.

I'd been with my exH for 12 years from age 18, married at 23 <shakes head ruefully>. I know what you mean therefore about not really knowing how to be single. In my case I spent several years throwing myself into my work and also travelling and developing a social life. I spent the next five years shaking off 'old before her time married lady' and morphing into 'irresponsible party-girl' and it might have been a little frantic at first but it was very enjoyable!!

Life's far too short to waste it with someone that doesn't think you're wonderful.... Goodluck

TakeMyEyesButNotTheGoat Thu 27-Sep-12 15:08:27

I feel for you OP. I've been in the same situation with DD's father. I know how hard it is.

Although you know what you want/need to do, building up the courage to do it is frightening.

When you have spent such a long time with someone and had children, we seem to forget how strong and independent we were before.

Have you told him you want to separate?

OrangeDynevorian Thu 27-Sep-12 15:39:21

purple thanks, this makes me feel a bit stronger. I think it's hard to imagine any other relationship being possible in the future when the one person you thought loved you unconditionally lets you down.

unexpected before the baby it was very different. I guess I felt more in control of my life and could make decisions and run with them so this confidence made me rebuff any negativity I encountered from him. I have always worked and been independent and then about 3 months before i was pregnant i decided to leave a job i didnt like (i had moved to a new firm with my old boss as was made redundant as a result of him resigning and the new firm was not a pleasant place to spend my days), and I became self-employed. I did a lot of work during pregnancy but now I work about 14 hours on 2 days a week and take home about 1/3 of what I used to earn. He works full time so I feel like I have gone from an independent woman to him 'having the upper hand' in terms of financial contributions to the relationship. It definitely has contributed to my inability to tolerate things I would have brushed off before. I would say though, that a lot of his comments that hurt me revolve around my differing appearance, but the general being 'on a level' with each other was definitely better before. I just reread this and not sure it even makes sense.

opentooffers we own a house and have a son. I am trying to get more work but struggling. At present I would need a contribution to help live and I wish I didnt as I would feel more in control if I knew tomorrow I could get enough work to support us both (me and the toddler). I want to stay in the house, its a small 2 bed in east london and ds is happy here - i dont want to move him to some bedsit with me but when i said to dp i no longer wanted to live with him he said we would have to put the house on the market. I paid £42,000 deposit when we bought. He pays the mortgage and I buy food and we split other bills.
We bought as joint tenants and legally is entitled to half of the profits. (I know we should have bought as tenants in common with specific shares of the house each at the time). It is definitely worth maybe £15k more than when we bought it and I would be happy for him to have all of this, and just hope he doesnt try and take any of my £42k as it was saved from the age of 5 by me, my parents and grandparents. I know this sounds selfish but it took so long to buy a house in London I am scared of losing it - to rent a similar house would be about 50% more a month so financially it makes little sense to not live here even if I need to beg borrow steal to pay the mortgage.
And thank you - I wonder sometimes if I am just a freak for not being image obsessed. I can't help but think maybe I am obsessed with not being image obsessed to an unhealthy level? (phew)

Cogito this is going to sound very naive but if we are not married would a solicitor still be able to give advice. Would it be just regarding support for DS? thanks for the uplifting comments regarding learning how to live again - it gives me some optimisim which I badly need.

takemyeyes i did tell him and received the comments about house selling and a lot of the "it must bother you personally that you are overweight if you are bothered about me mentioning it" type of mean comments. I did threw some back. I am not completely innocent in not being mean in response to him, but always in response.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Thu 27-Sep-12 16:40:20

before the baby it was very different. I guess I felt more in control of my life and could make decisions and run with them so this confidence made me rebuff any negativity I encountered from him.

But was there love, communication, mutual respect, understanding, fun? All the things that seem to be missing now?

If he doesn't respect you just because your body has changed and you are earning less it doesn't say much for him.

startlife Thu 27-Sep-12 19:08:38

I wondered if you were around 28/29 before you mentioned your age as I've always felt this was the age that you start to know who you are and importantly what you want in life.
I think having a child (I did at a similar age) can be another pressure point and if differences are there they start to open up even wider when children arrive.

I wonder if it's really the weight/size issue for him or is he using that as an excuse for his change in feelings. Most partners increase weight at some stage in their lives and it's not automatic that you fall out of love with someone due to weight.

Do you still have the same goals in life? Can't imagine that you do if losing weight is more important that having another child to him.

I know how you feel about being financially vulnerable. It's a horrid feeling and one I'm going through now however there are ways and means..your situation won't always stay the same. You can get a well paid job again. It always feels an impossible task until you break it down into smaller chunks. Finding out what money you would need to can assume he will contribute 15% net pay. Working out what jobs you can apply do etc. There are always solutions.

I would however try to sort counselling out for you and your H. Walking away from a relationship when you have child is never easy and at you can look back and say you tried your hardest to fix the problems.

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