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Arguing about a bus route first thing in the morning

(9 Posts)
faffingabout Thu 27-Sep-12 08:41:56

I can't stand this. If there is a minor misunderstanding or disagreement he's full on with 'what do you mean I can't drop you off at the entrance' then 'now you're just talking bullshit' then 'just listen to yourself'. And it goes on. I try to make the conversation turn to 'well it's just that last time we...' or 'but the thing is that's where' and it nosedives into anger and raised voices (from me - he mutters and shuffles off, leaving me with the stress).

He's been like this for 25 years and I'm getting fed up with it.

faffingabout Thu 27-Sep-12 08:43:36

Yes I've been on the EA threads but I'm very very stuck. He has a lot of very good points but there is a horrible conflict that pervades everything. The kids just look on, sigh and roll their eyes.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 27-Sep-12 08:54:53

After 25 years you're obviously in a behaviour pattern that's going to be very hard to scotch. If this is the sum total of the problems you may benefit from couples counselling where you could learn how to disagree without it turning into a spat. If this is the tip of the ice-berg I suppose you have to ask yourself if this is how you still want to be living in 10, 15 or 20 years' time. Having parents of my own that have snapped at each other over nothing for the 50+ years of their marriage, I can empathise with your sighing kids. It's not a nice environment to grow up in.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 27-Sep-12 09:01:07

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What good points does he have exactly?. Please do not write that he is a good dad because he clearly is not if he treats you his wife and their mother like this.

Do you love him still?

Such men never change. Infact his behaviour has likely become worse towards you over time but you've become conditioned to it.

I feel very sorry for your children actually, they are likely to be completely fed up with the two of you and perhaps wonder of you why you have not left their dad.

What do you want to teach them about relationships?. Both of you are imparting damaging lessons to these young people.

Counselling for your own self may be helpful, would not bother with any joint counselling.

faffingabout Thu 27-Sep-12 09:09:47

I'm wondering why I am even on here sharing this, it has never changed anything but I guess it's because I need to know how to separate. It will be almost impossible to relocate as girls are teens and committed to schools and friends, we are in London so we can't afford to run two homes.

We are constantly against the wall, I find myself saying things like 'that's why we can't live together...' desperately trying to explain to him that his behaviour's not acceptable.

When completely up against it he did join me for couples counselling but it was a limited time and it then stopped. He seemed to think she had taken his side and could see what I'm really like. The one before that he said was a 'quack'.

I feel I have to push him to nth degree to get him to be nice to me. He thinks he's always doing good things, it's all for me. There is zero co-operation.

faffingabout Thu 27-Sep-12 09:12:52

I think the key to this is that he would be very happy alone. My recent excuse for him was that he's aspergers. I would be miserable alone, I come from a big family and have never lived alone.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 27-Sep-12 09:15:04

Seek legal advice asap and find out exactly where you stand legally. Find a local solicitor and have an initial chat with them. Also contact Womens Aid; they can help too.

Your teens are seeing all this being played out in front of them, would you want their relationships to be potentially the same as yours now is?. Of course not.

No obstacle is insurmountable. Putting obstacles in your own way just stops you from moving forward.

Joint counselling is never ever recommended when there is any form of abuse within the relationship as such men do manipulate counsellors and make it all out to be the other person's fault. The other counsellor whom he dismissed as a quack was more likely onto him for who he really is so backed out sharpish. It seems too that your H has never apologised nor taken any responsibility for his actions either.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 27-Sep-12 09:21:10


AS does not automatically make a person emotionally abusive. Do you actually know anything at all about AS?. You do use that as an excuse and a poor one at that. Have you considered that he may equally be an emotional abuser too?. How does he behave around others in public?. Not the same undoubtedly, you (and by turn your children) are the main focus of his ill treatment. If he has never been properly assessed for AS either you cannot assume he is on the autistic spectrum.

You would not be miserable alone either, you would still have your children with you.

Do not faff about any longer because if you do you face a lifetime of this and one day your children will leave home. It is not doing you any favours at all to remain within such a situation, you have become conditioned to it and ground down as a result.

faffingabout Thu 27-Sep-12 16:15:57

Thanks Attila, I'm working on it. I have seen solicitor, DV council people, WA and Gingerbread and I know where I stand, but the reality is that housing is a huge issue and if he moves out he will want to get the equity in the home. This would be a good thing as he will then move on with his life but I will then need to find a place to live.

It may not be AS but he really can't help his behaviour. He is in a behavioural rut and will never change.

The only thing I can think of is sharing with a friend, I will seriously consider this. I want to move on, and have got to the stage now where there is nothing to lose.

I can't bear for him to touch me and he doesn't see the significance of this, just thinks I'm either seeing someone else or there's something wrong with me.

He has a lot of good qualities and I won't dismiss him to the scrap-heap, we are very woven into each others lives, and the childrens as well.

They see through his behaviour to a certain extent because I don't put up with it, but the stress between us is not fair for them to witness. We are good at destressing too though, we have a laugh and I try not to argue in front of them but in the end I am very unhappy and that is probably clear to them.

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