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my parents dont like me and i dont know why

(21 Posts)
wonderingwendy Wed 26-Sep-12 19:04:38

im 32 yrs old i left home at 17 married and had 3 kids
we were close i was a daddy's girl and we did lots together.
ever since i had my 2nd child and had crippling pnd they have just become so distant my mum only ever called me so i could perm or dye her hair ,they are not interested in my kids and for that matter my sisters kids aswell,they have 8 grandchildren one of which lives next door to them and they are not involved with any of them.
things got alot worse when my mum had cancer a few years ago ,i made an effort to support her through this travelling to london alone to visit her after a massive operation to remove her tumour and relocate her stomach.even though i felt like 'where were you when i wanted to kill myself when dd was born '
when my mum got better she became incredibly selfish ,she never called me ,i mean never ,she didnt want to know how my kids are and that hurt me deeply.
its not just my mum my dad doesnt want to know us either ,he passes by my house every day on the way to and way back from work and he never pops in.
recently me and my sisters found out my mum had been having an affair for 3 yrs and so we told her if she didnt let my dad know then we would tell him ,cue a massive argument where my dad told us its none of our business ,he defended her and now they have decided to separate ,the family home is for sale and they didnt even tell us .
my sister that lives next door was very upset to wake one morning to a for sale sign outside .
i just cant get my head round why they are like this and its like being parentless,they never help me and i think this is a big factor in me staying in an unhappy marriage,im scared to go it alone.

amillionyears Wed 26-Sep-12 19:19:08

This is so sad.So sorry for you.
You ask why your parents dont like you and you dont know why.
I think you need to think of it that they have both changed from who they were.
And it is not personal to you.They are not keeping in touch with any of the 8 grandchildree,and dont seem to be keeping your sister in the loop either.
So you need to conclude that it is so not you,it is them.
Which may not console you much,and is still sad.

Are you getting much emotional support from your sister?

wonderingwendy Wed 26-Sep-12 19:26:38

i have 3 sisters one has never got on with my mum and so they have little to no contact then the sister who lives next door to her then my little sister who is still in contact despite it only being because i dont do her hair anymore so she does it,she is the golden girl ,she tells my sister everything and i hear it through her ,my sister has told my parents how i feel regarding their terrible grandparenting so its not as though they arent aware.
when i think of it too much i get very tearful,i didnt do anything wrong i still need a mum and dad.
my little sister is a big support i lean on her and she me

amillionyears Wed 26-Sep-12 19:38:35

Sending you MN hugs.
I am presuming your little sister is telling the truth as regards what your mother says,and is also telling you what your mum says accurately and not getting muddled.
What does your little sister think about your mum's behaviour?

I dont have experience of this sort of thing.
It does occur to me that your little sister may be being used by your mum to vent your mums thoughts to everyone else.

lisaro Wed 26-Sep-12 19:45:53

Well you're not going to help by issuing ultimatums and interfering in other people's business.

achillea Wed 26-Sep-12 19:54:39

This kind of rejection is very hard to bear but at least you are all feeling much the same thing. I had a similar thing with my family but many are now gone and it's too late to do anything about it. I think if I had another chance I would have made sure I had kept in good contact with my siblings and let them be my support. I hope you can do something similar. Spend as much time as you can with them and build up your family bonds again.

wonderingwendy Wed 26-Sep-12 20:04:43

well thanks lisaro i do hope you dont have to go through this angry

Mayisout Wed 26-Sep-12 20:21:18

I wonder if you have everything right. Are you sure it is just since you had pnd that they stopped contact or was it happening before that.

It was prob a mistake to out the affair. So that won't have helped things.

Perhaps you could just offer to help with your mother's move (if she is moving out of house) or help either of them to look for a new property. By doing something practical you might be able to move on from all the emotional regrets and build bridges.

amillionyears Wed 26-Sep-12 20:21:44

op,I have had a look at some of lisaros other threads.I have to say that I would on the whole agree with some of them,but not what she has said above. It looks like she is quite a private person.

You are hurting about your parents,and that is understandable.And in a way you may also be grieving for what your parents were like.

Like achillea said,you may now need to lean more on your siblings for support.

Your dad may in time start visiting again.

re your marriage.Not sure what to say.I dont know the situation.
Do you want to say more about that?Obviously you dont have to.

wonderingwendy Wed 26-Sep-12 20:23:55

why should i help her when in my darkest days i didnt have any help - our dad had another lady on the go aswell as it turns out and he wont tell us where he is going to live when the sale goes through
im very bitter about how i struggled i had pnd twice with my dd 2nd child and my 3rd child ds .
i cant imagine ever forgiving and forgetting

amillionyears Wed 26-Sep-12 20:34:09

Oh heck on lots of levels.
You have so much hurt.
Do you think your dad will get in touch again?I hope so.

Agree that you may not forget.
But if you never forgive,that is the bit that hurts yourself.

wonderingwendy Wed 26-Sep-12 20:36:39

i joined in a convo in relationships about my marriage if you can find it ?

wonderingwendy Wed 26-Sep-12 20:37:40

here is the thread title How do you know for sure that you should leave?

amillionyears Wed 26-Sep-12 20:37:48

There is a phrase,hate the sin,love the sinner.
It is ok to hate the behaviour of both your parents,the behaviour they have done,and indeed any more wrongs they may do to you in the future.
But for your sake,it is helpful and ok still to love them.

wonderingwendy Wed 26-Sep-12 20:40:17

but i just dont feel they love me - and my kids i adore them and cannot fathom why they dont ??

achillea Wed 26-Sep-12 20:50:29

Don't forget you will also need to support your siblings, they will be feeling exactly the same as you are. I know mine did. Also, pnd is very hard for anyone on the outside to help with. You were in need of support but they just can't give it to you. The best thing is for you to focus all of your energy on your siblings and their children. Let go of your parents, they aren't able to help you.

amillionyears Wed 26-Sep-12 20:50:40

They sound very wrapped up in their own lives.
What were they like to you after your first child and before your pnd.

wonderingwendy Wed 26-Sep-12 20:53:38

with my 1st child i saw them lots they never babysat oh apart from one awful occasion when i came back and they had got fed up with ds crying they locked him in his room sad
now i think of it they would invite themselves over for a roast dinner and they wouldnt come over unless there was something in it for them

Mayisout Wed 26-Sep-12 21:09:10

Well it's usually nothing to do with you but everything to do with them. By that I mean they have issues from their past and present which is making them behave like this. Perhaps they are in denial about the fact that their marriage failed and are ashamed of their behaviour with other partners and seeing you children pricks their conscience so they choose to avoid you. What was their childhoods like, how did their parents behave to them.

wonderingwendy Wed 26-Sep-12 21:42:43

my dads parents doted on him ,they were fantastic grandparents they took us out for day trips to the seaside and i loved them dearly they have now passed over ,my mums father loved his only daughter dearly and she was broken when he died,her mum is another thing altogether ,i stopped talking to her years ago she is a nasty woman ,an alcoholic she treated my mum badly when she was little ,no love or affection,she cut her beautiful hair off in a fit of rage she used to throw here out of the house as a child in all weathers ,i do understand that some of the way she is could be her mums past behaviour,my mum was not affectionate to us if you tried to give her a hug she would go stiff ,my dad never told ever told me he loved me .he is a closed book he never says his opinion or shows his feelings.

Mayisout Wed 26-Sep-12 22:34:14

Sounds like your mum's horrid childhood treatment from her mother has damaged her. And her dad must have stood by whilst this awful treatment was going on.
Also looks like she married someone uninvolved like her father hence your father being 'a closed book'.
Funny your father married such a damaged person as your mother. Perhaps being doted on wasn't as good for him asyou would expect.
If you can see that the reason for their behaviour is due to their upbringing and not anything to do with you it might not hurt as much.

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