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Do I regret leaving DP?

(20 Posts)
Quaterlifecrisis Wed 26-Sep-12 15:12:30

My and ex-DP were together for 3 years. No dc, although I have a ds from previous relationship who ex developed a very close bond with. I split up with him in June- we would argue a lot, there were other issues with our relationship such as him being lazy/not getting a job or learning to drive etc. I began to not fancy him anymore. He has since been staying with his parents a few hundred miles away, but is due to come back "home" (we do not and never have lived together, but the same city) this weekend. I haven't seen him since June.

I have been thinking about him a lot as his return is imminent, and considering how he will eventually meet someone else. This just kills me. And I am confused by the extent of my emotions regarding the thought of him meeting someone else and what this means about my feelings for him. Is it just a case of "I don't want him but want no one else to have him" or something more? How do I fully establish my emotions towards him? He still wants to get back together, but I don't know how I feel. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 26-Sep-12 15:26:26

I think it's a combination of nostalgia and regret viewed through goggles that are very rose-coloured. I think you know he hasn't changed and that you'd be right back to a very pissed off square one if you got back together. But a little piece of you - the optimistic piece that got you through 3 years - is wondering what if he's changed and was he really all that bad in he first place .....

Never look back.

Quaterlifecrisis Wed 26-Sep-12 15:33:35

Thank you cogito, yes the thing is I used to wish he would change and he would promise the world. I broke up with him a few times but always went back and he would make efforts but nothing that made any difference with the important stuff.

The thing is, I have been fine not seeing him and am mainly dreading his return as he wants to see my ds I'm worried this will complicate things for me. But the thought of him with another woman is utterly horrifying, my heart pounds and I feel panicky just thinking about it sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 26-Sep-12 15:41:10

That's probably because you haven't got someone new and your life hasn't moved on yet. June is practically yesterday, emotionally speaking and 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'. This is the point where you have to make a big effort to face forwards rather than back, concentrate on developing your own life rather than looking over your shoulder at his all the time, and keep remembering 'lazy, argumentative, work-shy... lazy, argumentative, work-shy'

Numberlock Wed 26-Sep-12 15:42:37

I completely sympathise, Quater. I would be able to cope with this a whole lot better with him living hundreds of miles away, rather than in the same town.

And it's not really much time since you split up in June so it's bound to still feel raw.

Have you still had contact with him since then or have you heard all this through mutual friends?

ClippedPhoenix Wed 26-Sep-12 15:43:51

I wouldn't go down the letting him see your DS route here OP.

Quaterlifecrisis Wed 26-Sep-12 15:50:37

Here's the part I didn't mention for fear of being flamed- I have found someone else. A very good friend of mine, we decided to make a go of it last month. I'm starting to wonder if I rushed in- at the time I was so certain I wanted to leave DP, and when my friend and I went to the next level in August I felt happy.

But I can't stop thinking about ex- I don't know if it's a dependancy thing as I actually feel like I'm going to have a panic attack when I think about never speaking to him again. Ex stills calls me most days. He hasn't actually found anyone-yet-but it is a matter of time.

I'm now in this horrible situation, where I don't know how I feel. I keep justifying his behaviours now- he is still very young (early twenties) maybe he will grow up and get a job etc...

ClippedPhoenix Wed 26-Sep-12 16:01:06

Oh sweetheart, you are in a bit of a pickle aren't you. You need to detach don't you. Stop talking to him every day.

Quaterlifecrisis Wed 26-Sep-12 17:49:24

Yes I do, and I will. It's difficult because he and ds are so close. Feel bad on both of them stopping contact, I know it would just confuse ds. Just feel very guilty.

BethFairbright Wed 26-Sep-12 17:55:38

So does your ex know you were having an affair with someone else before you broke up with him - and are still in a relationship with the other man?

It sounds as though you don't want him but you don't want anyone else to have him either. It also sounds as though you're not being fair on your new man if you're still entertaining thoughts about getting back together with his predecessor.

Quaterlifecrisis Wed 26-Sep-12 17:59:18

I didn't have an affair! I have never cheated and never would! Please read my posts for clarification.

something2say Wed 26-Sep-12 18:10:04

I think the fact that you still speak every day is an issue. How are you going to grieve the loss if he hasn't gone? How are you going to move on and see change?

Maybe the grief hasn't happened yet.....maybe you are still holding onto him as a safety blanket...

I'd also watch out for the 'What about when he meets someone else???' shock feelings. Whether he meets anyone else or not, you and he still split up, and that is always going to hurt. But don't dwell on those sorts of thoughts, as they hurt. Dwell instead on moving YOUR life on.

I would avoid seeing him this weekend as well if you can. If you wish your son to see him, maybe do a 3rd party handover? And have something planned for your self for the day...

These things DO hurt, and you can't avoid it, but you can be strong and do the right thing. You could slide back into things if you like, but if it is genuinely going nowhere, you did the right thing.

We could all love a man who doesn't have a job, lies around, is lazy, but when we start feeling resentful of that, it shows us that his way of living is not for us. It doesn't mean he is bad or nasty, or unlikeable, it means he is not the one for us, and so perhaps you did the right thing by splitting but now need to actually split. I find the ripping that plaster off in one go is the best approach there.

Quaterlifecrisis Wed 26-Sep-12 18:43:49

Thank you something2say, that is a great and insightful post! But I guess my main question is, how do I know for sure he isn't the one for me? :s

ClippedPhoenix Wed 26-Sep-12 18:48:59

No one can answer your last question for you OP.

However, I do feel that you're going to see him again. All I can say is an ex is an ex for a reason and you had very good reason to leave before.

Where's the other guy in all this honey? are you still seeing him?

BethFairbright Wed 26-Sep-12 18:55:11

Depends what you classify as an 'affair'. I can't imagine that your friendship suddenly became physical after a long friendship, with no inkling that there was an attraction beforehand. Seems likely that those feelings were there on both sides 3 months ago when you ended your relationship. I'm not saying that's wrong by the way, just that it would help you to work out your feelings if you considered how much the burgeoning attraction for your friend led to you finding fault with your DP and wanting rid of him.

Does your ex know about the new man and does the new man know you're still considering going back to your ex?

izzyizin Wed 26-Sep-12 19:05:53

You can be certain that he isn't the one for you because of his shortcomings as listed in your OP - lazy, wouldn't get a job, etc - plus you stopped fancying him and turned your attention to your current squeeze.

The thoughts you are entertaining about him being with another woman are most probably bound up with the idea of him 'growing up', as you put it, and becoming all that he could have been with you but couldn't be arsed to make the effort.

It's likely that this particular Peter Pan won't grow up just because he meets someone else and any ow is likely to begin to feel exactly as you did once the novelty wears off and realises that his promises are made to be broken.

An ex is an ex for a reason and, in your case, you're best advised to make sure he stays an ex, albeit one of whom you have some fond memories along with the dross.

Quaterlifecrisis Wed 26-Sep-12 19:20:38

My friend held a flame for me for a while, but I didn't see him in "that way" until ex and I had split. I'd had a bit to drink one night, he was there and one thing led to another.

I guess I'm still not really sure I have feelings for my "friend"/current boyfriend that extend further than needing somebody at that time- anybody that wasn't ex.

Maybe I have just completely let everything get out of hand. Current boyfriend is everything ex isn't- he has worked hard and has just got a great job. I really admire him for how hard he's worked to get where he is. Maybe I focused too much on this because at the time it's one of the sore points of mine and ex's relationship. Maybe I have done the right thing and this is the man for me. I am so confused :s I am never happy with what I've got be it men or my career, I always end up in a tail spin.

ClippedPhoenix Wed 26-Sep-12 19:27:11

Time to quit both then really isn't it OP. Easier said than done though I know. Whether you're gullible or not none of this is healthy for your child is it. All this in out, in out shake it all about.

I'm also worried that your ex is using the want to see your child as an excuse to get back with you.

What has ex done in the way of growing up since you parted? Absolutely nothing sweetheart.

BethFairbright Wed 26-Sep-12 19:41:36

In your adult life OP, how long have you ever been single and without a man?

It doesn't sound like you're being fair to either man, or your child whose attachments keep getting broken.

As you keep evading the questions about who knows what, I guess we'll take it as a 'no' that you've been honest with either man.

Quaterlifecrisis Wed 26-Sep-12 19:55:04

Sorry I didn't re-read questions- Ex does not know about new man. New man knows about ex- but not that I have started having doubts as these really have only surfaced now I have found out he is coming back (a few days ago). He is aware of how often we speak though. I would never ever cheat- boyfriend has been a close friend of mine for 6 years I would never hurt him that way.

My ds is my priority and the one I need to focus on. That's what makes situation with my ex much harder- they adore one another. Although he is not his father, he's been there since ds was 4 months old. I told current boyfriend (god that makes me sound and feel awful) ex would always be a part of ds' life because they are so close. Maybe that isn't the right thing? :S

Also ds hasn't experienced new boyfriend as anything other than my "friend"- all he has ever known him as. New DP lives on other side of the country so on the occasions we see one another my DM looks after ds.

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