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Am pregnant, we both want different things, I'm desperate

(130 Posts)
UhhOhhh Wed 26-Sep-12 10:38:07

Don't really know where to start, but here goes.

We have 2 dds, 8 and 2. A year and a half ago I got pg and as DD2 was really young, and we were were not ready financially, didn't have the room and loads of other reasons I had a termination. I found this really hard, it took me a long time to 'get over' it. But I accepted it, realised how lucky I was to have 2 DDs, we were moving on and happy.

Now despite religiously taking my pill I found out yesterday that I'm pg again. I can't believe this has happened. My partner is saying that I should have another termination. He said that if I went ahead with this pg that he would leave as he couldn't handle it. He only said this in anger and has since said that he didn't mean it but that having this baby would be the downfall of our relationship. He doesn't see how we would cope financially and the fact that it would mean having the baby in with us or 3 children sharing 1 room. We can't afford to move. We couldn't afford holidays and extra things for our DDs, like activitys etc. He thinks that we would struggle so much that the pressure on our relationship would be too much. He wants us to have a good life and he thinks this baby would put everything on hold. To say he is dead against it is an understatement.

But, although I can understand all his reasons, there's this feeling that I really want this baby. I love being pg, love birth and have always wanted 3 children. I think that it would be a struggle but surely worth it? I'm not getting any younger and this may be my last chance. I think about how I struggled with the last termination and don't know if I could cope with it again. I just have such a yearning for this baby. But I don't want to bring this child up with a father that will resent it, and I don't want my relationship to break up and end up alone with 3 kids. I don't want my existing children to suffer.

I don't know what to do.

CleopatrasAsp Wed 26-Sep-12 10:42:23

If you can't face having another termination then that's the decision made really - all the rest is just background noise.

Tiago Wed 26-Sep-12 10:46:04

Given how you felt about the last termination, and your feelings for this baby, I think it is very very important that you do not feel pushed into another termination. You are concerned that having a third baby will affect your relationship - but a termination that you didn't really want will also have that effect (there have been many threads chronicling relationships that fell apart because of terminations that the woman was pushed into/not happy about).

Is there someone in RL that you can talk to who can be impartial? You need to be able to objectively consider the pros and cons of all options, and given your partner's approach, he doesn't seem to be the right person for the job.

NomNomingiaDePlum Wed 26-Sep-12 10:46:10

if you don't want to have a termination, then don't. if your relationship survives - and it might not, seeing as there's no possible compromise - book a vasectomy for the partner who doesn't want more children.

foolonthehill Wed 26-Sep-12 10:46:26

none of us can afford any children. Actually I had 2 whist religiously taking the pill (numbers 3 and 4). If you want to manage you will/can...I guess you already have all the stuff? breast feeding is free and who of us can plan our finances further than a few months?

I understand that you DP is scared witless and is,probably, terrified that he will be unable to look after you all. But you are a team and I am sure that once the shock wears off you will be able to come together.

What is wrong with 3 DCs in same room? Ok not ideal but it can work (and does here)

all the best I hope you can come to agreement.

crackcrackcrak Wed 26-Sep-12 10:46:39

Oh op I feel
For you. I can totally understand why you don't want another termination but I see where your partner is coming from too. Unfortunately he is discussing the impractical aspects of having another child that has already been conceived.

I hope he will come around sad

Tiago Wed 26-Sep-12 10:47:41

Also, I can understand your concerns about finances and space - but you can have a good life even if things are a bit tight.

Make sure that you make the right decision for you.

smoothieooo Wed 26-Sep-12 10:50:32

I really want this baby. I love being pg, love birth and have always wanted 3 children

Says it all. You will find a way to cope financially, your DP will hopefully come around to the idea and love DC3 just as much as your DDs. I hope you can start enjoying pregnancy soon!

dequoisagitil Wed 26-Sep-12 10:50:34

I think either way your relationship is going to be pulled out of shape - if you have an abortion you don't want, you will almost certainly resent him and it may kill your feelings for him. If you continue the pregnancy, he may resent you and the child, and it may kill his feelings for you & he may never accept the baby. On the other hand, he might embrace it later on.

It's a tough one. If you could get a quick appointment with some relationship counselling service as a couple, maybe it would be helpful?

wibblywobbler Wed 26-Sep-12 10:52:30

If he feels that strongly he should have had a vasectomy when you had your termination. Simple as.

I think it's very important that he also takes into account your emotional health and the emotional fallout from another termination, what about you and your health and feelings in all of this?

If it comes to it I am sure you will manage just fine being a single mother and I can't see how he can resent a third child when if he felt that strongly he should have taken some responsibility for himself and got a vasectomy at least two years ago, instead of making contraception solely your responsibility and using a form that isn't 100% effective meaning you would have to deal with the fallout which is what he is expecting now

Make sure you have a good support network round you in RL and don't destroy yourself by having another termination

DisorderlyNights Wed 26-Sep-12 10:58:05

If this is his attitude to one of life's curve balls, then the chances are your marriage might not make it anyway.

That sounds really harsh, and I don't mean it to be, but you should think through the worse case scenarios.
Sure - having another baby, marriage over would be tough.
But what about being pressured into another termination, him leaving over another issue in a few years, and seeing him have a child with a new partner? (this happened to a friend of mine and utterly devastated her for a long time.)

Of course, the chances are he'll take a little time to get used to the idea and then cope, and love the baby as most of us do in this situation.

Either way, any man who is this against having another child should have a vasectomy IMO.

Lueji Wed 26-Sep-12 11:03:50

I have the feeling that if he pushes you into a second termination it would still mean the end of your relationship, as you'd always blame him.

In fact, if he was so adamant about not having more children he should have done the snip.
As it is, relying on the pill there's always a chance of a pregnancy, and then asking you repeatedly to have a termination is very selfish to say the least.

Personally, I'd tell him that if he wants to bail on his family and turn his back on a life he created (and he knew the risk), then it's his problem.

ClippedPhoenix Wed 26-Sep-12 11:08:15

This is going to sound harsh but if he would leave you over this then he's not worth keeping OP.

And yes, he should have had a vasectomy.

I know what my choice would be, I also know if I was pressured into an abortion then I'd end up hating the man that made me.

Malificence Wed 26-Sep-12 11:13:04

I agree that he should have had a vasectomy to be sure, if he didn't ever want more children.
That said, the fact is that it's not just about you in all this, you have a partner and other children to think about , it does seem selfish to just steam ahead and have this baby regardless of how it affects those closest to you.
There's also a big difference between things being a bit tight for a couple of years and abject poverty that has a big impact on children, there's no such thing as poor but happy.
Children are expensive, they get even more so as they get older.
A potential baby should not come before the rest of your family.

UhhOhhh Wed 26-Sep-12 11:30:32

Thank you for all your advice, it is helping to get things clearer in my mind.

About the vasectomy thing, I did suggest it but he said it was unfair of me to ask as what if we split up and he wanted a child with a new partner. I felt a bit upset about that.

I keep thinking about how poor we'll be and that my DD's will suffer. He says I'm being selfish and I beginning to think that he's right sad

Thumbwitch Wed 26-Sep-12 11:34:15

I think the decision for you has already been made - now your DP needs to grow the fuck up and accept it.

As for the vasectomy - how dare he - if he thinks he can't afford a 3rd child with you in your relationship, how the actual fuck does he think he'd be able to afford another child in another relationship whilst also paying for the 2 DDs he already has?? What a load of selfish shite.

So. You don't want the termination - end of discussion really - he can choose how he deals with it. Because I also believe that if you're forced into a termination that you don't want, you will resent him so much that your relationship is doomed anyway.

DisorderlyNights Wed 26-Sep-12 11:36:10

He wants to keep his options open for another baby with someone else, but calls
YOU selfish for wanting the baby that you've made together? shock and sad

Wafflepuss Wed 26-Sep-12 11:38:08

Hang on, he doesn't want you to have any more children but would be happy to have more with someone else?? What a total knob.

DisorderlyNights Wed 26-Sep-12 11:38:24

Please don't let yourself be bullied.

Your DH having a child with a new partner in the future would impact your older children MUCH more than following your instinct to have this baby.

wonderthis Wed 26-Sep-12 11:45:35

I'm sorry but after reading what he said about the snip, I had to reply. He sounds like a selfish ass and I don't think he is really committed to you for the long term anyway. You got pregnant by accident, it's something you should deal with together as partners. Him walking out because "he couldn't handle it" shouldn't be an option, IMO. He is only concerned about himself, and I think if you are bullied into this termination you will regret it.

DragonMamma Wed 26-Sep-12 11:49:59

It's a tough call. Personally I would have liked a third child but we just about manage financially with 2 and I know a third would tip us over the edge in terms of being able to afford things. Even simple trips to soft play or the farm would become few and far between when you factor in the cost of another child. Holidays abroad would be a no-no here too unless we won the lottery.

I'm not saying I'd abort because I like foreign holidays but I know that a third would make life very miserable for us, we would have very little, if any, disposable income and we would not be able to afford extra activities like swimming lessons for 3 kids. DC2 is young at the minute so not too expensive but costs will always go up the older they get.

But when all's said and done, you have to live with your decision but please do think about the potential consequences on your existing children and family.

Good luck

ClippedPhoenix Wed 26-Sep-12 12:45:47

Right, so he doesn't want another child with you OP but he might want one in the future with someone else. Blimey, selfish or what!

EdMcDunnough Wed 26-Sep-12 12:52:51

I hope he isn't already thinking about leaving you for someone else.

Sorry, that's what came to mind when I saw what he had said.

I hope it isn't relevant.

He does sound like he has one foot out the door already, in his head.

Sorry you are going through this - but I am wondering if having another termination will in fact save your relationship anyway, and if not, is it worth it?

Tiago Wed 26-Sep-12 12:53:22

He's totally selfish and his response to you about the snip says that loud and clear.

You are not being selfish. At all. If you were you wouldn't be agonising as to what to do.

dreamingbohemian Wed 26-Sep-12 13:07:41

Good lord. So he can't afford another child with you, but with his imaginary future girlfriend he can? What a load of bollocks.

I've had a termination, it did take me a long time to get over it, and while I am pro-choice I could never have another one myself. DH accepts this. If it was a deal-breaker for him he would go off and get the snip like a sensible person.

I don't think you're being selfish. It's your baby and you want to keep it. It may be tough but you will make do.

Having a termination you don't want is horribly traumatic. I think everything you feel is totally understandable.

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