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He's gone, why do I feel so calm/strong?

(38 Posts)
ObscuredByClouds Tue 25-Sep-12 23:59:43

Finally snapped and told him to go after being berated for not being enthusiastic enough about collecting dsd. He's been off work for 3 weeks and I've literally done everything not just in the house, working full time, caring for DCs etc but also caring for and loving him whilst he is off work. But I'm lazy/selfish/am unhappy in marriage/want it to end according to him.

He always threatens to go and calls me names if we disagree, picks out anything negative out if all the positives we have, to focus on and (metaphorically) beat me with.

I snapped. I threw my tea cup on the floor. I told him home truths. I told him to leave.

He said 'ok then' and got up and left.

This is it, I don't want him back. His comes I feel so calm and strong? I thought I'd be in bits.

ObscuredByClouds Wed 26-Sep-12 00:00:47

How comes I feel so calm, not his comes...

AnyFucker Wed 26-Sep-12 00:02:26

because you are ready for him to go, and stay gone ?

zippy539 Wed 26-Sep-12 00:02:44

OP - don't know the back story but maybe you feel calm because it's the right thing. You won't always feel calm but hang onto this feeling - it seems like it's your gut instinct.

HissyByName Wed 26-Sep-12 00:05:53

Cos you know its the right thing to do.

Keep him gone!

Opentooffers Wed 26-Sep-12 00:07:34

Relief? A sense of justification? More hope for the future? Or shock ? He's perhaps done you a favour by doing little recently, lets you know you can manage on your own without him so it should not be as hard as splitting with someone who is supportive. Can't say more as work in the morning so off to bed. Well done, hope you stay strong, there will always be support on here for the rough times which may come. GL

ObscuredByClouds Wed 26-Sep-12 00:11:46

Thank you all. I do everything anyway and he's told me on numerous occasions that working full time and doing all the cooking,cleaning, chores, laundry, decorating is MY CHOICE and that he shouldn't have to do any of that cos I should enjoy looking after him??

I'm just through with the emotional roller coaster that is my marriage, am utterly fed up of being told I want to end it and him walking out on us all the time.


Smeghead Wed 26-Sep-12 00:31:56

Its because he has been pushing you to kick him out. He can now feel justified in saying "she ended it, not me".

But you know the truth. You know that he is a bloody coward who wanted to end your relationship but didnt have the guts.

You are relieved because you know that you have finally ridded yourself of a bullying coward (aren't they all?) and dont actually care what he says about you because you know the truth.

Smeghead Wed 26-Sep-12 00:33:14

"You want to to end it, so I am leaving" is a classic cowards way out.


CuttedUpPear Wed 26-Sep-12 00:35:15

Sounds good. I hope I have the strength to do this soon.

ObscuredByClouds Wed 26-Sep-12 00:40:08

He has been telling me I'M not happy in our marriage for a long time, and when I've tried to tell him I am he becomes more demanding of what I should do to keep him happy in our marriage. But it's never enough, whatever I do, and the demands ramp up.

I know it's the right thing to do, to have told him to go. I do feel he'll never be happy with me and that's not what I want out if my life thanks.

MiniMonty Wed 26-Sep-12 00:52:57

Sounds a bit shit - and then pretty good.
Why are you surprised by getting something right?
Get a few things right tomorrow too.
You live once and "plenty more fish in the sea" is as true now as it ever was...

izzyizin Wed 26-Sep-12 01:06:57

Do you have a plan for when he comes back? Are you married, do you have dc together?

ObscuredByClouds Wed 26-Sep-12 01:11:33

He said he's coming back to collect his stuff while I'm at work tomorrow so I won't have to see him.

I gave 2dcs from previous marriage, he has 1dc from previous relationship and we are married.

I plan to get my finances in order after work tomorrow.

MOSagain Wed 26-Sep-12 01:13:50

Maybe its because you feel in control? YOU have made the decision and TOLD him to leave, none of his 'I'm leaving you bollocks'.

You sound very strong and I wish I had your strength and could do the same.

Hope you are doing ok and still feel you've made the right decision tomorrow x

ObscuredByClouds Wed 26-Sep-12 01:17:35

mos I have just simply been pushed over my limits now. I didn't really even think so much as react. And I know what I've done is right. I hope you get some strength to improve your situation soon x

MOSagain Wed 26-Sep-12 01:23:18

I hope so too obscured I really want him to go so I can be on my own and start to get better. But I don't want him to go confused
I think its the finality of it all. I know if/when he goes, that is it, I won't ever let another man into my life and part of me thinks I'm still on the youngish side and it will be a very long and lonely existence sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 26-Sep-12 09:12:54

You feel good because you've asserted yourself, made a decision and got the outcome you want. You may well feel bad tomorrow or the next day once it sinks in.... break-ups are always upsetting, regardless of the circumstances. But, as you've taken the initiative and it's been your decision, any upset will be much more short-lived than if it had been imposed.

Doha Wed 26-Sep-12 09:30:02

Just be careful about what he takes tomorrow. Is it a good idea for him to come when no one is in?
I would be more inclined to pack his stuff in blackbinbags and leave them at the door teling him they are ready to be picked up.

Tiago Wed 26-Sep-12 09:43:02

I second Doha. Pack for him and leave his stuff at the door. Also, hide anything valuable. He's a tosser - ergo he will likely engage in more tosser-like behaviour.

DoingItForMyself Wed 26-Sep-12 09:51:08

Obscured, congratulations on making the break.

You just got off the roller coaster, that's why you feel calm!

There will be more ups and downs to come, but if you know in your heart that this was the right decision then you can ride them out. You will only get stronger and more confident without someone like him bringing you down.

Agree about sorting out stuff for him to take (& hiding anything you don't). My stbxh was very reasonable but still tried to walk off with a couple of things that I didn't want him to have!


Cluffyfunt Wed 26-Sep-12 09:57:48

I recon he will be in shock at your(bloody wonderful) strength.

I predict that he will come crawling back quite soon, panicked that his servant wife is not begging and crying, with promises that she will tow the line and be a better doormat in the future.

Stay strong.
It doesn't sound like he will change.

thanks <- for you

ObscuredByClouds Wed 26-Sep-12 12:54:31

Thank you all. I'm feeling quite shitty now, not managing to concentrate on work particularly well. But I have to remember why I've done this, I'll never achieve his impossibly high and ever changing standards.

Put the items I don't want him to take in my car but am just hoping he's not there when I get back from work.

Feel quite sick actually.

Smeghead Wed 26-Sep-12 13:37:44

I'll never achieve his impossibly high and ever changing standards.

He doesnt want you to meet them, thats why he kept ramping up his demands. He needs to assure himself that you are a shit wife and thats why your marriage has ended, and because you finally said "enough is enough", he wasnt the one that actually ended it.

He is a coward.

And I am sorry to say this but I am certain that you will find out about an OW very soon sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 26-Sep-12 13:46:13

Expect to feel alternately good and shitty as the weeks go by. Expect to find it difficult to talk to him. That's normal. Just have the courage of your convictions, keep reminding yourself that you are doing the right thing and spend time with others that can reinforce that message.

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