furious with in-laws after fall out with husband

[hollyberry41]

Hi everyone

This is my first ever post after much deliberating I decided to try and get advice on whether or not I am over reacting. I'll make it as short as I can but will be so grateful to anyone who can get to the end and give their view!

There has been a history of the in-laws over stepping the mark so this isn't totally isolated. I've been married to years and we have a 14 month old girl. I recently had suspicions that husband may have an alcohol problem especially during stressful times. This is a stressful time as we have a house move coming up.

The alcohol problem with husband is not actually the main issue here though it may be for another time - he has agreed today to get help before it turns into something more serious.

On Saturday lunch time I got annoyed that he had tried to hide the fact he had just stopped at the pub on the way home from getting his hair cut as we talked about this the week before. He got sully and defensive so I went out for a bit. Instead of trying to help things when I got back he had clearly drunk a lot more. At tea time I asked him to leave for the first time ever because he was being obnoxious, and I would have ended up shouting at him. Not what I wanted to happen with baby around.

He eventually ended up at his parents - or I should say, in a coma on the porch at half ten when his father found him. Fil said they would bring him back in the morning. I then mentioned to fil what had happened and that I was concerned he had a drink problem and would possibly need help for it. Fil just said that it wouldn't surprise him....

Well I got a phone call the following morning at half nine and from speaking to hubby could tell straight away he was still going to be argumentative and clearly the alcohol had not left his system he had had so much. It happened once before so I knew from talking to him. In-laws are quite pretentious sorts of people. They made it quite clear on the phone they wanted to bring him home straight away. I explained I had spoken to hubby and he was not yet in fit state to have the serious talk we needed to have and again I didn't want arguing going on around the baby. They suggested lunch time so I said I would phone at eleven to see how he was then.

Did so and spoke to hubby, decided better to wait til a bit later. I told him I didn't want him coming home just now as we were not ready to talk and I got the impression he would be cross. Obviously he didn't have to stay at his parents house it wasn't really up to me where he went my position was I was unhappy to have him home at that time.

Next thing fil phones to tell me I need to sort things out with hubby and that it is his home too. I explained again how I felt and he completely ignored me saying they were bringing him back and I could take it from there. They were clearly just annoyed because they had better things to do. I did say that hubby knows I don't want him home yet and that if they had stuff to do couldn't they just go out etc... Or hubby could go elsewhere if it was a problem. Fil stuck to guns said they were bringing him back. I felt so cross so had no other option but to go out for a few hours just as I was about to give baby lunch and was stressed out enough.

It turned out that hubby had told his parents he wasn't going home yet and that I'd asked him not to. Fil phoned me and despite my protests, got off the phone and said 'let's get you home' to my husband who then had the impression that his dad had talked me into having him home when I hadn't.

I just feel so cross that it was not father in-laws decision to make! Am I just nuts or is this not right? I can elaborate if needed but just feel totally furious like I wasn't allowed to judge what was best for myself and baby bod I am a 32 year old woman.

They have a habit of treating hubby like a child but I am not used to this my own parents would never interfere like that...

Sorry this is so long believe it or not it is heavily edited! X

[scurryfunge]

Sounds like they didn't want a drunken idiot at their home either.

[hollyberry41]

And all the typos are due to predictive text errors on my phone sorry!

[Sausagedog27]

I think you are angry at the wrong person (fil) and that they didn't want him there. I think the alcohol problem is the issue and that's what needs to be tackled by your husband.

[7to25]

he is married to you
Their house is not a creche for the inebriated

[ginmakesitallok]

Sorry but I can see where they are coming from - you can't just ask your husband to stay away until you are ready to speak to him, it IS his home too. Agree that you should be angry at DH for his drinking.

[hollyberry41]

Yes although the night before they were so terribly sorry for me and of course said they thought he had been an idiot. They certainly could have dropped him off at countless other places or he would have gone to a friends for a bit. To anyone else he probably would have seemed ok just groggy but I knew from talking to him it wasn't a good time until his head was properly clear and he'd had the chance to think about things. Hubby himself had respected my decision he should stay away it was the fact they insisted he was going home and the way it was engineered in quite an underhand way. I suppose I feel it was their call to not have him at theirs if it put them out, but not their call to insist he came here especially when they knew I didn't want that to happen?

[pollyblue]

I can understand you not wanting your DH home if he was still hungover and obnoxious - and i know you do say in your post that he he didn't have to stay at his parents - but i can understand your PIL not wanting him there either....If your DH was refusing to leave your PILs and they were loathed to just throw him out, tbh I don't blame them for bringing him home.

What's best for you and baby is a DH who is not a drunken arse - that's your issue, not this storm in a teacup with your PIL.

[tzella]

I think your H's behaviour and boozing are what you should concentrate on. I doubt you'll get anywhere with FIL as he must have been like this for years and its not really the issue. I'm not surprised you're annoyed though. Not very supportive of the ILs.

[hollyberry41]

of course I am aware of the fact it is his home - absolutely. But I asked for time apart for a bit and he was willing to give it and not come back for a while. it made more sense for him to stay away than for us to go out really. My problem was only that if we had agreed between ourselves he should stay away then why would fil go out of his way to force him back home under a pretence?

And yes of course I was angry with him due to the drinking and that is the big concern. However the actions of the parents concern me in that they seem unsurprised by the revelation but also that they would not show any concern themselves about the problem? I did mention I felt there was an alcohol problem and there has been no support shown towards him leaving him to feel they simply don't care about him.

[SnapesOnAPlane]

Your FIL doesn't need your permission to take his son home, OP...
I think it WAS underhanded to sneakily convince your husband that he had your permission to go home. But then, if I had a drunken groggy man who had rocked up at my door pissed as a fart, almost 'in a coma on their porch', I wouldn't be happy about him being there. I'd take him home to sort himself out, not play babysitter!
It might not have been a good time for you - but it probably wasn't convenient for your FIL either. I don't see that they insisted he come home, there probably wasn't another option! How awkward to say "Sorry son, we don't want you here. Your wife doesn't want you there either... son, do you have any friends we can dump you with... No, they're busy?"
Far easier to just take him home and let you sort out your issues imo.

[alto1]

They don't have to babysit a drunk but they didn't have to dump him back in your lap either. They could have dropped him off a good long way away so he'd have a chance to sober up on the walk home.

You have a right to exclude him from the house if he's just going to subject you to drunken abuse in front of the baby. Never mind that it's his home too, it's only his home if he can behave decently and put the baby's needs first.

Sorry to hear you're in this situation.

have a look at this

[LemonBreeland]

I think you need to ignore the PIL issure this time. If it happens again don't answer the phone to them, refuse to engage with them.

[pollyblue]

who then had the impression that his dad had talked me into having him home when I hadn't

why didn't your DH speak to you himself to clarify things? By going to his parents in the first place your DH involved his parents, so your FIL took it upon himself to try and sort things out asap. Not brilliant perhaps, and cack-handed, it's done now and you'll know in future not to rely on them for support.

[hollyberry41]

And thank you for the honest answers too it has been a stressful time and hard to see from another perspective.

I did expect a lot of response to pay that the concern about lack of support from in-laws is not the main issue. My husband is the main issue but i sort of didn't want that to be the issue of the post because that is already being dealt with and we are getting plenty of help there x

[hollyberry41]

Pollyblue - husband didn't have his mobile charged so had been using the landline to call. After his dad spoke to me they set off straight away and when hubby asked what I had said on the phone his dad just didn't tell him :(

[lalalonglegs]

Maybe they thought if they took him somewhere other than your house he would just slope off and have another drink. I do agree with those that say you and your husband put them in a pretty awkward situation and I hope you can unite together to help your husband address his drinking.

[DragonMamma]

You're definitely angry with the wrong person.

I wouldn't want a drunk and/or hungover son in my house when he had a perfectly good home to go to - regardless of whether you wanted him there or not. Yes, he could have taken him elsewhere but that's your husbands responsibility and not your fil's, to sort out.

It may have been a bit underhand how he got him out of their house but seriously, he was hardly a ranting, raving lunatic they foisted upon you. The fact that your H agreed you needed a few more hours shows he was pretty sound, if a little hungover.

Don't cloud the bigger issue with this, get your H help and don't alienate a potential source of support by these petty rows. He's your husband now and a grown man, I'd have returned him back home too, especially seeing as it was after lunch time.

[Spero]

I think it is overreacting to be 'furious' with your inlaws. They put him up for the night. He is your husband. Sounds like they did as much as anyone could reasonably expect.

He isn't a child anymore and seems to have quite a serious alcohol problem. responsibility for sorting out your relationship lies with you and him only. Responsibility for sorting out his drink problem is with him and him only. Not really fair to expect his parents to wade in - nice if they are supportive, but you can't demand it as of right.

[hollyberry41]

I wouldn't say I expected his parents to wade in with support and definitely didn't want them to get involved in any dispute. I wouldn't like to think I put them in an awkward situation. Husband chose to go there out of his own accord. I did not force him to spend a night away and didn't really think it was unreasonable under the circumstances to not want him back for a bit. I had thought I was handling it in the most sensible way I could really, and just felt that it was undermined by the deception.

[pollyblue]

holly well at least you know now not to expect any support from them, at least on this issue. Maybe there are reasons you're not aware of that means they find alcohol and associated problems difficult to deal with?

[QuintessentialShadows]

I am sorry, but you cannot dictate to your inlaws that they need to keep their drunken married son in their home. It is not their issue. If you want him gone, then by all means start divorce proceedings, but you cannot behave like this.

[hollyberry41]

Hi there - I wouldn't dream of dictating at all I am not the sort of person who would do that and I definitely didn't dictate that they must keep my husband at the house. I certainly don't think I behaved in a bad way was simply trying to do the best thing. In feeling angry about the sneakiness I thought anyone would find that odd really but maybe not which is why I wanted opinion. It wasn't a case of me wanting him gone and behaving terribly about it I think I outlined the reasons.

Pollyblue yes I understand they are not likely to offer much support which is sad for my husband but I can't force their support and wouldn't try especially now.

[hollyberry41]

I should say that I wasn't rude or dictating with them on the phone. I just explained I was unhappy about him coming home and he had agreed. I made it clear I didn't want to inconvenience them if it didn't suit etc... He could do something else. Just in case it has come across that I was just being thoughtless and expecting loads from them x

[Offred]

Gosh I think you are getting an unfair flaming here! I think it was underhand and interfering perhaps to try and trick you into making up when FIL manipulated the truth. I think you were perfectly reasonable to say dh couldn't come home until sober. I think your mistake was to engage in numerous debates with DH/FIL about when that would be because it created the impression that DH is a helpless child who must be passed between babysitters and set it up that FIL would be releasing him into your care - FIL may have felt that way too. It might have been better for both of you to let dh sort himself out. He storms off then you let him. If he turns up at fil's and he doesn't want him there he sends him away. If he is passed out call an ambulance and have him admitted to hospital.

[squeakytoy]

I am trying to look at this from all sides.

How often does he drink?

How often do you drink?