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Is this EA or am I being paranoid and where do we go from here?

(45 Posts)
MrsOscarPistorius Tue 25-Sep-12 17:58:19

I am waiting for a relationship counselling appointment on my own. I need to sort my head out as I am not sure whether I am being paranoid or whether DH is being controlling and abusive. Every time we talk it somehow ends up being all about my faults so I made a list of the things that are bothering me and it just went on and on. It looks terrible. I think he would say I am being paranoid, can't take a joke, or am being over-dramatic. I dont know if these things happen in normal relationships?

He has to always win the argument even when he knows he's in the wrong. Reduces me to tears then apologies. So I have stopped arguing with him.

Blames me for being unhappy "not fun to live with" says I have always been an angry and resentful person.

Doesn't tell me when coming home or if going to be late- eg last friday text at 6.30pm have gone to pub for a pint, not home til 10pm.

Doesn't give me clear information about family visits in advance.

Switches off/is not present when at home, often on phone/laptop etc

Says "he can't bear to be criticised by me as my opinion means so much to him"

Says I am a control freak "nothing I do will ever be good enough for you"

If I criticise him by asking him to do or not do something, will immediately counter with something for me to do-has to score points

Gets angry with me for "nagging" him to eg mow the lawn, put the bin out, but then frequently fails to do either. shouted at me for not bringing bin in when he had left it.

Sulks after arguments until I make peace.

Belittles/gets angry at me for not being able to work his phone/computer.

Belittles my taste in tv programmes-feel I can't choose to watch
"Trashy" tv

Belittles my decisions to spend money on treating myself. Says spa I went to is full of chavs (2 weeks ago). Says I waste (my own) money on handbags. Asks me who I am trying to impress when I bought some new makeup (2 weeks ago). Claims this is all "jokes"

Barged me out of the way of the mirror when I was getting ready for work, as he also needed to get ready-I suggested he went in other bathroom but he refused. (1 week ago).

Doesn't take fair share of household chores, cleaning, parenting, holidays, finance, household maintenance/etc.
Had to beg him in tears to book appt and deal with plumber when I was suffering with anxiety.(Last summer)

Hitting objects-pounds front door or rings bell repeatedly if key left in door so he can't get in-broke a bit off front door. (few months ago - don't leave key in door now sad

Gets angry, swears, bangs things if shower water cuts out. Broke bit off shower head (xmas?)

Thinks its ok to tailgate slower drivers. Drives too fast, overtakes in risky situations. Gets angry if I criticise his driving, or if I involuntarily gasp because his driving makes me nervous.(last time few weeks ago)

Its all a drip drip thing but I only realised when I started writing it down how many things there were.

OrangeClub Tue 25-Sep-12 18:11:35

I would say that this is emotional abuse for sure.

However it's not really important to give it a name. How do you feel in this relationship? Take the focus away from him and have a good long think about you. If you are in an abusive relationship then it's likely that you are always thinking about him, his moods, his wants, his needs. It's also likely that you are modifying your behaviour to avoid some of his worst moods and tantrums.

Is this relationship making you happy? Life is short and you could spend the next fifty years trying to work out what makes him tick. And you won't work that out, ever. All you can do is decide how you want to be treated by someone who is supposed to love you. Think about you, not him. Then decide what you want to do. Please don't waste time working out how to change him because it almost never works.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 25-Sep-12 18:15:47

So your opinion means so much to him that... you aren't allowed to express it? hmm

You're not paranoid, hon.

solidgoldbrass Tue 25-Sep-12 18:17:02

Well he sounds like a raving arsehole. This is bullying because it's part of a pattern of him telling you that you are inferior to him and should be more obedient and submissive because he is the Man and you are only a woman. (IE something between a household appliance and a domestic animal).
Men like this don't change. I'd suggest carrying on with the counselling to gather your strength, then seeing a solicitor to get rid of him.

unhappyhildebrand Tue 25-Sep-12 18:18:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

crackcrackcrak Tue 25-Sep-12 18:22:49

Sounds like exp - sorry sad
The being v heavy handed thing especially but exp did every single other thing you list and I am 100% sure I was in an abusive marriage.

garlicnutty Tue 25-Sep-12 18:23:57

Oh dear, this sounds like a horrid way to live. Well done for noticing it. The fabulous women of the EA thread will look after you.

justaddwater Tue 25-Sep-12 19:00:51

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Squeegle Tue 25-Sep-12 19:05:00

Justaddwater- what planet are you on you strange alien creature?

unhappyhildebrand Tue 25-Sep-12 19:09:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

crackcrackcrak Tue 25-Sep-12 19:15:00

Justaddwater - ohhh I get it - there's an ea entry requirement . Of course

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Tue 25-Sep-12 19:19:18

<ignores justadd>

OP it sounds like you are always walking on eggshells around him. He does not sound like a nice person. What in fact are you getting out of the relationship?

Counselling on your own is an excellent idea. Does he know about it?

Good luck.

justaddwater Tue 25-Sep-12 19:42:47

Ok so if I said my dh makes me account for my every movement sending a text isn't good enough he wants to know exactly where I am and when I will be back he spends money we don't have on things he doesn't need e.g he has 3 pairs of trainers but went out and got yet another pair. He locks me out the house I'm left outside banging on the door i cant even drive without his criticism I get in from work and he is on my back do the bin hoover its never ending. I was in the shower washing my hair and the water cut out he then had a go at me for geting cross. WHAT would you all be saying then?

unhappyhildebrand Tue 25-Sep-12 19:46:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsOscarPistorius Tue 25-Sep-12 20:01:21

justaddwater that is exactly what my DH would say- twist my words, minimise and accuse me of being the abuser.

So thanks, thats actually quite a useful perspective.

Squeegle Tue 25-Sep-12 20:02:22

justaddwater you sound very sad, and no it doesn't sound like your DH is very kind.

But what does that mean for the OP?

OrangeImperialGoldBlether Tue 25-Sep-12 20:05:59

OP, do you have children?

Opentooffers Tue 25-Sep-12 20:07:42

Not sure how asking him to do something counts as criticism? Especially if has a please at the end - hard to say no without a good reason then. I have to say the list is mostly not very extreme so can give the impression that there may be some nit-picking and nagging and general negativity coming from the OP too that he may be reacting to. Most on list are minor annoyances. You could try a dose of his own medicine though to get your point across. Stay out later than you say you will? Be vague about info.

Opentooffers Tue 25-Sep-12 20:11:01

.. get the shower fixed - I'd hate it if the water cut out too. Had a BF who no matter how many times I asked not to, would run taps elsewhere in the house making the temp change - it's not funny.

crackcrackcrak Tue 25-Sep-12 20:22:10

Mrsoscar - yes and I.
Apparently I'm passive aggressive - exp really impressed himself with that one. Sigh

garlicnutty Tue 25-Sep-12 20:25:58


I hate it when the shower cuts out. I've never broken household fittings because of it.
If a partner shut me out by leaving the key in the lock, I'd try the other door and try phoning them before banging & ringing the door. I'm capable of banging a door very hard without breaking pieces off.
Now and again, I have tried to intimidate other drivers by tailgating them. I expect my passengers to point out that I'm risking everyone's life and don't bawl them out for keeping me safe.
When I'm not pulling my weight, I can take being told.
If I put someone down for their shopping choices, I expect to be told and will apologise.
When somebody's using a mirror and another mirror's available, I automatically use the other one.
When somebody's upset and anxious, I don't bawl them out to upset them more.
If I'm sulking I expect to be called out on it.

I am a normal person.

crackcrackcrak Tue 25-Sep-12 20:29:59

Garlic - amen

unhappyhildebrand Tue 25-Sep-12 20:32:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

carlywurly Tue 25-Sep-12 20:32:34

Justaddwater, this is isn't competitive abuse corner, and your comments were unkind and uncalled for here. Can we maybe help you on your own thread?

Opentooffers Tue 25-Sep-12 20:33:49

There is perhaps evidence of some sensitivity.Why not have the courage of your convictions?
Say "Yes, the programme is trashy to you, but I like to unwind to it so what?" -I don't see that is something to get upset about or why your tastes need defending by yourself.
Making a joke of spending your money on handbags and make-up, what man hasn't done that? Do we usually care? Why do you?
Sounds like a lot of minor irks are being added together to make a bigger grudge. Perhaps there is a bigger thing in the past that has upset and not been addressed?

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