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Hurt at proposal and ring

(265 Posts)
Ungratefulornot Tue 25-Sep-12 17:02:30

Hi all

I've NCd..

I need help here as I can't seem to feel better about this, I need some other perspectives.. My partner and I have been talking about marriage for a while and knew it was on the cards. We love each other very much. We're just back from holiday where he proposed (i wasn't expecting it) but nothing was how I imagined it and I'm finding it hard to feel happier about certain things... I'm sure I'm in for a flaming for being an ungrateful cow but here goes.

Firstly the proposal - basically 'why don't we get married?', a hug, then he says (in a nice way) 'I know that's what you want''.. hmm So basically nothing about him wanting me to be his wife just that it was what I wanted. I immediately said 'isn't it what you want???' and he said of course it was..

He presented me with the ring, which is absolutely nothing like I would pick or expected and, as he told me voluntarily later that night, cheap! Because, as he told the woman in the jewellers, the engagement ring is only a token and it's the wedding ring that really counts hmm It doesn't even look like an engagement ring, more like an eternity ring, and it's obviously cheap. We have plenty money btw and he'd think nothing of spending loads more than he spent on the ring at the drop of a hat on anything else.. To me an engagement ring is hugely symbolic and it's not about the money, it feels like he just didn't care enough to get something right...

Upshot is, I felt upset with it all, and while I kept it in that night we had a huge argument the next day because he was upset i was annoyed and that he felt I had threw it all back in his face when he'd tried to make me happy.. I then felt bad and backtracked and we had a lovely holiday planning our wedding.. But it was still playing on my mind.

But now we're back and while I've got over the proposal comment (given that I know he's genuinely as excited at marrying as I am) I just can't get over the ring issue. He's very generous to me generally and I can't believe that when it came to something as important as this, that i should be happy to wear every day for the rest of my life, he put so little of anything into it - money or thought.. I wouldnt have been looking for anything too expensive just less cheap than it is!!! Never asked me what I would like as he wanted it to be a surprise.. He's asked me if I wanted to swap ring but I couldn't bring myself to say yes so said no and he was happy with that but he knows I'm not happy with it. I need to get it resized as its a little big but tbh I just don't want to wear it and I feel annoyed every time I think about it. As well as me not liking it and the fact it doesnt look like an engagement ring, I can just imagine the looks it'll get from everyone when we officially announce our engagement - I'm ashamed to say I feel slightly embarrassed at the thought. I just feel I'd rather not wear it and just get a nice wedding ring.

I feel annoyed with him as I have spent my time and effort getting him things which he could value and love for the rest of his life and he hasn't paid me the same courtesy, and for something as symbolic as this.

Thanks in advance for any replies, good and bad. I'm aware this will probably be a controversial one!

EdMcDunnough Tue 25-Sep-12 17:06:05

It does sound like his heart wasn't really in it.

I'm just wondering why, iyswim. Anything odd recently - do you think it's been a case of him going along with all the wedding talk, or is he genuinely interested in being married to you?

It just doesn't sound like he is very committed to the idea.

DogsCock Tue 25-Sep-12 17:06:25

tell him the ring is not your cup of tea and would he mind if you shopped together to choose one.

Hopefully he will be fine about it.

YokoUhOh Tue 25-Sep-12 17:07:25

I didn't get proposed to and ended up with a late relative's engagement ring, which I don't wear. I just think some men don't see what the fuss of a romantic engagement is about. It's pretty incidental to the whole marriage thing in general.

Doha Tue 25-Sep-12 17:08:06

I would be honest with him. After all you are supposed to be spending the rest of yout life with him
Explain exactly how you feel, how the ring is not what you would have chosen yourself and as mich as you appreciate the (lack of) effort would you mind if you swapped it for something diferent.

DragonMamma Tue 25-Sep-12 17:10:43

I agree with Doha, I would just admit that it wouldn't be your choice and could you choose something together that you like better - with him picking up the tab for the shortfall.

I adore my engagement ring and no qualms showing it off to people but I can imagine it would be awkward if you're conscious that you don't actually like it yourself and it was picked because it was cheap...

pinxminx Tue 25-Sep-12 17:10:50

Get over it. My now DH proposed with a ring made out of a paper clip which I happily wore for a while. In the scheme of things it really doesn't matter.

Housewifefromheaven Tue 25-Sep-12 17:11:57

See, that's why I chose my own engagement ring!

Seriously though, ask him to change it. If its 'only a token' then he shouldn't mind. Or you could have a wedding ring and engagement ring combined?

IMO you have to spell out/point to/buy yourself/amazon wish list to get what you really want. Men are not mind readers. Nor are we but that's another thread grin

Congratulations!

mumnosGOLDisbest Tue 25-Sep-12 17:12:47

Maybe his nerves got the better of him with regards to the proposal.i wouldnt worry about his words if you know his hearts in it. As for the ring. I don't even have one but that was a joint money decision if you are sure of his feelings then the rest isn't important.

Congratulations!

Ungratefulornot Tue 25-Sep-12 17:13:51

Thanks all.. I know he's definitely enthusiastic to marry, he's very excited about it all and been planning all holiday.. In fact, it's down to him we got the venue and band booked while still on holiday.. I'd have been happy to leave it until I got back.. So def not that. I think it is probs just that he doesn't see importance of ring etc, but I just feel disappointed and then I feel bad for feeling disappointed.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 25-Sep-12 17:14:38

I'd turn him down. If he doesn't know you well enough to realise you'd like a proper proposal and a decent ring, he doesn't know you well enough to marry... hmm Start as you mean to go on.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 25-Sep-12 17:15:42

Again... he's organising things in a rush on your holiday when you'd prefer to take your time and do it when you get back. Do you always let him get his own way????

snuffaluffagus Tue 25-Sep-12 17:16:04

You can swap the ring no bother. Just go into the jewellers and pick one you like, don't feel bad about that.

Mumofjz Tue 25-Sep-12 17:18:17

You seem to of had an idea of how you wanted to be proposed to, but that was your idea not his. The ring.... If not happy with it, ask to return it and choose something TOGETHER. and get over it and move on! You're getting married, enjoy it

WhatAFlange Tue 25-Sep-12 17:18:34

Well, at least he's excited about marrying you!

Dp proposed to me almost 10 years ago - we still aren't married!

I did get a beautiful diamond solitare, which was exactly what I wanted - I showed him the kind of thing I liked and he picked well.

Maybe go with him to a jewelers of your choice to get it "resized" and fall in love with something else that fits?!

Congratulations anyway grin

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 25-Sep-12 17:18:41

The ring is symbolic of the way this man sees the OP. 'Any old thing will do'... No consideration or consultation. Doesn't take her feelings into account. Is meant to know her better than anyone and yet gets this important event about as wrong as it is possible to do. Rings may not matter to other people but they matter to the OP. He should know that.

usualsuspect3 Tue 25-Sep-12 17:19:48

Getting married is not about the ring or the words of a proposal.

In fact I didn't realise that women still wanted to be proposed to, how very 1950s.

Besom Tue 25-Sep-12 17:21:54

I think you should tell him the ring is important to you. I don't think that should be a problem if you can easily afford it.

I think you should keep your feelings about the low key proposal to yourself though. Let that rest.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 25-Sep-12 17:22:01

"Getting married is not about the ring or the words of a proposal"

Not to you perhaps but the OP feels differently. Wanted it to be special. I bet he's rubbish at gift-giving...

AntsMarching Tue 25-Sep-12 17:22:23

We took back my engagement ring. I told DH that I didn't like it and it pained me to do so but I didn't want to wear that ring for the rest of my life. I think it's best to be honest up front. Definitely start as you mean to go on.

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts Tue 25-Sep-12 17:22:29

Yanbu. Ask him if you can go together to choose one you both like.

izzyizin Tue 25-Sep-12 17:22:58

Mmm... a non-proposal with only a Christmas cracker ring to show for your acceptance of his lack of effort imagination.

I'd be sorely tempted to hand him back the offending item and tell him to brainstorm and come up with something ultra romantic memorable that will be told to our dc and dgc and warm the cockles of our hearts well into old age.

Alternatively, take a look at bridal sets with matching/complementary engagement/wedding/eternity rings - Harry Winston do a nice line in 'investment' pieces grin - and suggest that the ring you currently have is either traded in/returned for a refund, or saved for your eldest dd on the occasion of her coming of age or some such.

Ungratefulornot Tue 25-Sep-12 17:23:03

cogito it's me who wanted to marry next year (he would have been ok to wait until the following) and he was just excited and keen for me to get the venue and band I wanted.. It was only laziness on my part. We had a fantastic holiday planning everything and lots was at my instigation grin

iamamug Tue 25-Sep-12 17:23:08

I would be gutted about the ring too - My DH and I had mine made by visiting a jeweller together - I couldn't possibly have trusted him to get something I really liked. (and he knows me very well!)
In my opinion they have no idea and I don't think he'll be hurt if you ask to change it - you will be wearing it forever. (20 years down the line and I never take mine off.)
The sooner you change it the better - it will get harder as the time goes on.

sooperdooper Tue 25-Sep-12 17:26:06

I think if you'd already talked about getting married then expecting some kind of disneyesque proposal and expensive ring is a bit needy

He wants to marry you, you want to marry him, it's not about the cost of the ring, and I also think jewellery is very difficult to choose for someone else, I'm sure he didn't intentionally buy you something you don't like

The ring is only symbolic of getting married, you don't even need one to get engaged, or get married either, I think you should focus on the fact you both want to get married and not get hung up over the ring

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