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Quickest way to get over this cheat

(26 Posts)
feelinstoopid Tue 25-Sep-12 12:02:06

Feel so stupid. Age 42, divorced (reasonably amicably) 3 years ago, have 2 DC. For past 6 months been in a relationship with a guy also 42. He is a senior member of staff at DC school; so didn’t want to broadcast for that reason. Kids think we are just friends. Seen him every other weekend when DC with Ex and his family. Occasionally seen during the week but he has to work long hours or so he said. Thought he was a really lovely guy, physically, emotionally intelligent and everything else…

Anyway, last Friday I found out via a friend (who doesn’t know him), that a teacher at her DC primary school has been in a relationship with him for the past few years and she is expecting a baby in December. This completely blew me out of the water. I managed to find OW FB and Twitter accounts and that confirmed it. When confronted, he admitted the relationship. This woman is 30, they have been in “casual” relationship for a few years, she recently got a big handout from her parents and they are buying house together. OW is quitting job soon and will be a SAHM. He thinks it is his last chance to have kids etc.

He still wanted to be in relationship with me – told him to get lost and never wanted to see him again. I feel absolutely bereft and a complete idiot. I thought this guy was wonderful and cannot believe how I was so stupid. I had been to his flat but not noticed anything, met a couple of his friends etc. I feel jealous of OW, lot younger than me, has him, affluent etc. I want to get over it but don’t know how.

Lueji Tue 25-Sep-12 12:09:36

The quickest will be to stop contact and hide all FB links, etc.

And focus your energy elsewhere, a hobby or something.

Tamoo Tue 25-Sep-12 12:24:55

Be proud of yourself: you faced him dead on with what you had found out and then told him to get lost. Absolutely the right thing to do.

Feel relieved: you have found out he is a liar and a cheat. Many women never find out, or only find out at a much later stage than 6 months in.

Don't be jealous of his partner: she might be young and affluent but she is about to have a baby with a twat.

Spoil yourself: you've been put through the mill. Divert yourself with some treats to cheer you up in the short term.

Look ahead: in another six months time you will be over him. Plenty of men out there who really are lovely and emotionally intelligent, rather than just making a pretence of it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 25-Sep-12 13:17:08

I'd be so tempted to warn his other girlfriend exactly what she's letting herself in for... ie. he's a gold-digging love-rat that's only after her cash.... but I'm probably just a horrible person. smile Think you've done exactly the right thing so far and all I can suggest is giving him a very wide berth from now on. Don't feel stupid for being duped. He's clearly very good at covering his tracks.

AnyFucker Tue 25-Sep-12 13:24:39

You are jealous of the OW ?

Don't be, she got the booby prize

I am sorry this happened to you, but you are better off to find out now, and a bloody well done to you for making it perfectly clear you are not interested

AnyFucker Tue 25-Sep-12 13:26:02

She may be fully aware he isn't faithful to her, as it seems he plays fast and loose and wasn't too secretive as your radar wasn't pinged until now

geegee888 Tue 25-Sep-12 13:48:36

In view of the fact they are buying a house together and she is getting money from her parents to put towards it, I would personally inform her of his cheating. She might not believe you, but I don't believe that the lying twat should be financially benefitted from her whilst carrying on like this. There may still be time to put this house in her name only.

Poor her (as well as you), lumbered with a 12 years older sleazy guy who cheats when she is pregnant. Be grateful its not you, he will probably make her life a misery.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 25-Sep-12 14:09:41

I think he's pretty secretive AF. Limits the visits to weekends when no-one's about. (Wonder where his DP thought he was?) Kept it all quiet 'because I'm a senior member of staff'. Bet he preferred takeaways at home to dinners out in restaurants where they might be seen. All tactics of the married bloke that you don't spot until you've been there...

fiventhree Tue 25-Sep-12 14:34:06

OMG OP, you got lucky and found out just in time.

I also think the OW should know before she commits her cash, but since your child is at the school it is difficult to see how you could get involved, so maybe dont go there.

How can you get over him? By telling yourself that you are a nice person and that we all make mistakes. That he didnt choose the OW for her age, and that even if he did, that tells you more bad news about him and 'trophies;, which would have made him a poor catch anyway.

And by having a new dress and new haircut and dusting off that address book.

Dont take it to heart, isnt you.

AnyFucker Tue 25-Sep-12 18:04:28

Good point, codger

Teansympathy Tue 25-Sep-12 18:53:42

Sorry for what you have been through BUT trust me YOU will realise in time just what you have been saved from , he is a complete idiot and I think you will realise to not to envy the younger woman , if he can cheat on her and you he will do it again , not matter whether he is 42 or 62 !. You just get on with your life there is nothing to feel embarrassed about, this is from a 53 year old woman who had a horrible ex partner cheat on her with someone with lots of money , and I feel she is welcome to him and realise what a liar and a cheat he was , you are not alone, but remember there are some lovely guys out there take care.

Mydogsleepsonthebed Tue 25-Sep-12 18:56:20

The quickest way to get over a man is get under another one wink


Block, delete, no contact and thank your lucky stars.

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm Tue 25-Sep-12 21:55:27

In the manner of sisterhood please let her know. I've been where she is.
I'm so sorry you got let down by this man sad

That is all from me


feelinstoopid Tue 25-Sep-12 22:36:48

Thank you all so much for your comments and advice - you made me smile for the first time since the weekend.

I have no contact with the OW - she knows people at the twat's school - she used to work there - I cannot believe he has not done this before. As she is pregnant, I don't feel I can hunt her down and confront her. She either knows and turns a blind eye or would go into shock - either way it would not be welcome. I got the impression that the twat wanted to marry her, but she had turned him down. She has parents and siblings who all seem to live locally, so I imagine she has support and advice. I just want to walk away from it. I will send ex huto parents evening this year - say I have to work or something, so I don't have to see twat.

bumblelolly Wed 26-Sep-12 09:10:48

She probably already has her own suspicions but doesnt want to confront them yet. I have recently found myself in this position but was on the recieving end as the wife who has been cheated on. I have a very young family (7w and 3y) and knew something was going on for a long time but had chosen to ignore it as I didnt want to break the family up. This was until I recieved a phone call from the ow telling me of the affair because she felt wronged when my husband broke up with her. I have now been left trying to make one of the hardest decisions of my life at a time when I dont feel ready or able too.

My advice is keep it to yourself when she is ready and if she decides to she will probably confront him herself as I would have done if I believed the afair was going to carry on.

SpaceCorpsDirective34124 Wed 26-Sep-12 09:15:40

So he's been with her for a few years and 6 months ago he started cheating on her with you?

Poor woman. And poor you, unknowingly his 'OW'. It's good you've found out so you can bin him. You deserve better.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 26-Sep-12 09:23:52

Yes, you're the OW - albeit inadvertently through his deceit - rather than the pregnant one of several years' standing. That would make me mad enough to spill beans all over the place. There may be others. Who knows?

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm Wed 26-Sep-12 11:30:06

I was pregnant too. I wanted to know and was grateful to the OW who told me, because she had the bottle and was ashamed. The others i asked, denied it, even though i had the proof.

Get yourself checked for STI's too smile I'm usually a bastard to the OW but in your case you were unwitting. I'm sure you feel like you were robbed and extremely let down. The guy is an arse. I would make sure everyone who knows her knows what he's done, she will find out eventually anyway albeit a different and probably more painful way.

Who wants someone who is only with them for the child? Eventually, he will cheat agagin and this time it'll be a woman and child caught up in his mess. Disgusting man sad

BethFairbright Wed 26-Sep-12 14:24:34

I would do two things.

I'd tell his partner, out of concern for her and also her and the baby's health. You might not have been the only other woman he's been seeing and he's obviously been having unprotected sex with her, poor woman. She won't routinely get tested for STDs while pregnant and any untreated infections can cause severe harm in the womb. She has also has a right to know and I very much doubt she's turning a blind eye at all. This twat is a fairly talented and practised deceiver hiding under a cloak of respectability as a teacher. He managed to hoodwink you, so why not her?

Secondly, there's no way I'd risk my children's education being damaged by a scorned man who's probably irritated that you no longer want anything to do with him. I wouldn't deny myself the opportunity to consult with their teachers either, by staying away from parents' evening. So I'd make an appointment to see the Head, tell him or her what's happened and ask that arrangements are made so that this teacher ceases to have any influence over their education or how they are regarded by other teaching staff.

I think you'll find he will be looking for a new job after this meeting.

You've done nothing to be ashamed of, but if you run away from either confrontation you will be colluding in this man's ability to deceive others and get away with it.

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm Wed 26-Sep-12 15:05:32

Good point Beth

foofooyeah Wed 26-Sep-12 15:35:29

I would take 'mydogsleepsonthebed' advice though - just a one off with a younger better shag !!

And treat yourself, and pat yourself on the back that you dont have to be with that loser anymore.

feelinstoopid Wed 26-Sep-12 19:04:43

Thanks again. I realise now that walking away from it is not as simple as I thought. Now fuming from unwittingly being the OW and potential STD carrier!

I phoned one of the parent governors from the school, who I know from the kids' nursery, she is not a friend but 100 per cent trustworthy. I told her the whole story. She said the twat is well known for it and is reputed to have been seeing one of his senior colleagues. She knows the head of the girlfriends school as they go to the same church and will sound her out (but said she is an awful gossip) about what to do next -let girlfriend know or what. She didn't think the head at DC/twat's school would give a monkeys.

I am reluctantly going to the special clinic tomorrow. I will speak to the nurse/doc about whether twat's girlfriend could be at risk. I don't know if the clinic can contact her anonymously - I don't know her GP or home address. Can't exactly send her a message on FB! I have blocked her anyway to stop me looking at it - saw a cutesy pic, saying how she felt when she first kissed twat, true love quotes, fairytale etc. I felt physically sick..

Anyway - it has been a big wake up call to me - I thought I had my fair share of creeps, but this one takes the whole bloody cake-factory.

BethFairbright Wed 26-Sep-12 19:37:00

This just gets worse for that poor woman.

You've now spoken to someone else who's planning on telling a terrible gossip about this woman's partner. You've considered (and rejected) anonymous information options, thankfully.

She sounds like a useless parent governor if she's got concerns about a teacher and also thinks the Head will do nothing.

All of this just sounds like you talking yourself out of doing the right thing.

Are you scared of confrontation?

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm Wed 26-Sep-12 20:27:43

I would still let the head at DC's school know as he conducted an inappropriate relationship with you whichever way you look at it, the HT SHOULD give a monkeys especially if it brings trouble to the door of the school.

Well done on getting yourself booked in at the STI clinic, i had a lucky escape as one of the OW slags my DP was seeing had got the clap sorry can't spell the other word without googling lol

feelinstoopid Wed 26-Sep-12 23:36:57

I don't know what I am thinking. I have rung my parent governor and asked her not to say anything and I trust her not to. She volunteered to tell this girlfriends employer who is a friend of hers. I don't think it is a matter for the schools quite frankly. I do not think it is up to me to play the OW and blab all to girlfriend. What she doesn't know won't hurt her. If they are indeed getting married and expecting the baby in December, I hope he stops now, if not it is no longer my problem.

Nor will I go bleating to the head of my DC school. Twat is very unlikely to teach DC for various reasons and I think he is professional enough not to try and avenge himself. I will just look a bitter hysterical woman, what is the head supposed to do? We are adults, he lied to me that he was single, but is just a stupid twattish cheat. He will just turn round and say to the head that he didn't want to be with GF anymore but scared to dump her when found she was pregnant and the head will believe him. Or that I seduced him etc etc. They are mates - he probably knows already - I think 1 or 2 of his colleagues almost certainly do.

IF I am found to have a STD (and I practice safe sex) I will ask the NHS to pass on the good news.

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