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Did I overreact with my aggressive partner?

(72 Posts)
briarrose81 Mon 24-Sep-12 21:52:44

This is my first time of posting, so please excuse any mistakes! My partner has always been quite an angry person (never actually violent towards me) ? he gets frustrated if life doesn?t work out perfectly (and when does it) and takes out his frustration on me by saying some not very nice things ? including being accused of having an affair to the point where he asks me who I am texting. He gets quite aggressive, has thrown things (recently breaking our new kettle), has put a hole in a door and has thrown the cat across the room so she hit the door.
Today frustrations got to the point where he was struggling to put our DD car seat into the travel system and shook it a little as if to try and force it to lock. He didn?t shake it a lot, I am not accusing him of trying to hurt her but given his history I was concerned as he has been known to get frustrated with objects like that and then hurl them across the room. So, I said to him that I never wanted to see him behave like that with anything that involved our DD. He didn?t even want to listen, got angry and stormed off. He now won?t talk to me, saying that I am accusing him of trying to hurt our DD and won?t talk to me until I apologise. I have tried to explain that I simply don?t want him being aggressive around our DD but he is now threatening to leave by the end of the week and says he will leave me on my own and see how I cope then!
Did I overreact? Am I right to be worried about his aggression around our DD? Should I apologise?

wilkos Mon 24-Sep-12 21:58:38

no you didnt overreact, let him leave.

although you will find that come the end of the week he wont be going anywhere, on account of him being a spineless shit.

he should be apologising to you and your dd. let him give you the silent treatment, at least he isnt shouting and hollering.

if he does leave you are well rid.

AnyFucker Mon 24-Sep-12 22:03:21

keep this frightening shit out of your life, for good

it won't be long before he is throwing your daughter across the room

if you stay with him, you are keeping her in an abusive situation

MrDobalina Mon 24-Sep-12 22:04:41

oh gawd....pack his bags, change the locks....

scarletforya Mon 24-Sep-12 22:07:56

He threw the cat across the room before? shock

OP, that is very bad news. Cruelty to animals is a big red flag. Don't you think it's a horrible thing to do? How can you be with him after that?

He is using you and your daughter as emotional punchbags too. Do you realise that is abuse?

Opentooffers Mon 24-Sep-12 22:11:56

Sorry but being the carer of a lovely, affectionate cat I feel what he did to yours is outrageous !! A big step up from objects, I would lose all respect for a man who could do that. He sounds unbalanced and unless he's willing to get therapy for his anger, I would cut my losses. It's no environment to live in so ask yourself if you are willing to put up with this crap forever? If you do, what does that say about you and your values and self-worth?

izzyizin Mon 24-Sep-12 22:16:43

He's thrown a living creature across a room with such force that it hit the door? shock shock shock

FGS don't apologise and for your sake, and the sake of your dd, I hope to god he makes good on his threat to leave at the end of the week - and preferably before.

If not, please come back for further advice such as making contact with Women's Aid and taking steps to get this aggressive twat out of your home.

BustersOfDoom Mon 24-Sep-12 22:25:57

Quite frankly I'd have kicked his arse out the moment he threw the cat against the door. Let him leave and then celebrate your freedom. Your life will be so much calmer and easier without you having to tiptoe around an angry arsehole of a man.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Mon 24-Sep-12 22:34:36

He sounds terrifying. Protect yourself and your daughter. You know what he's capable of, don't you?

Get rid.

KillerRack Mon 24-Sep-12 22:41:02

He threw a cat at a door? jesus christ why are you still there.

perplexedpirate Mon 24-Sep-12 22:43:55

If anyone did that to my cat they would be out of my house so fast their head would spin.

Get away from this man OP. Do it now. Please.

AnyFucker Mon 24-Sep-12 22:50:21

OP, can you tell us what is keeping you with this dangerous criminal ? We are struggling to understand. Everything you have said is terrifying, and we are worried for your safety, and that of your child.

waltermittymissus Mon 24-Sep-12 22:55:06

He is an abuser OP and he'll only get worse.

Please let him go. Pack his bags for him.

Don't inflict him on your dd or you for any longer.

He threw an innocent animal across a room. He's a monster.

Viviennemary Mon 24-Sep-12 22:55:34

Throwing a cat. This is just totally shocking behaviour. I wouldn't stay with a man who would do that.

LemonDrizzled Mon 24-Sep-12 23:01:30

No you didn't overreact. he is an abusive bully and you have got so used to him that you can't see it. Is it shocking you that all of us are saying the same thing? Nobody has said " get a grip you are making a fuss" because you ar enot.

Be gentle with yourself. It's a lot to take in.

Fairylea Mon 24-Sep-12 23:02:14

Threw a cat ??????? Why are you still withhim????! That on its own is disgusting.

cestlavielife Mon 24-Sep-12 23:05:00

Let him leave.
Tell him calmly to leave.
He threw a cat. He will throw your dd one day. He does not care.

But I suspect he won't leave as simply as that.

Make A plan pack a bag so if needs be you can leave with dd to your family a friend a safe place .

purplehouse Mon 24-Sep-12 23:07:37

In the very short term ie right now you should avoid making him angry for your own safety and that of your dd. Obviously this doesn't address the actual problem but it is a bad idea to try and modify the behaviour of an angry person when they are angry. My dad is an angry man.

. I can deal with the damage to objects (Just about although it does show a lack of self control ) but hurting the cat is very worrying (I am a cat hater and I am horrified!). You need to help him address this in a safe environment when he is calm if you stay together

waltermittymissus Mon 24-Sep-12 23:09:30

And if you are the one to leave OP take important papers with you and make sure you get to a solicitor.

Are you ok? Sorry if you're overwhelmed by the responses. But people like him are dangerous.

Do you have real life support?

And remember when he acts this way you CAN and SHOULD phone the police.

AnyFucker Mon 24-Sep-12 23:13:58

You need to help him address this in a safe environment

I disagree. OP needs to end the relationship, not attempt to "help" him overcome his anger issues whilst stilling under the same roof

When he realises OP is going to call his bluff and let him leave (as he so thoughtfully promised to yeah right ), he will turn on the charm (if he doesn't start using his fists first) and beg for help

you can't "help" an abuser, you have to get away from them

maybe then they will help themselves but it cannot, and should not, be done with a vulnerable child in the vicinity

waltermittymissus Mon 24-Sep-12 23:17:14

Completely agree with AF.

It is NOT your job or responsibility to help or fix this man. Your responsibility is to yourself and your dd. If he wants "help" he can bloody well get it himself.

EnglishNotMy1stLanguage Mon 24-Sep-12 23:17:46

Next time you get nervous, anxious, afraid and concerned about your baby because of him just dial 999. The police won't think you be U and they will help you.

Rubirosa Mon 24-Sep-12 23:19:41

If DP threw a cat he certainly wouldn't be anywhere near my baby!

Anniegetyourgun Mon 24-Sep-12 23:25:15

So um, when he was rattling and shoving the car seat, the baby was in it?

Well, he probably wouldn't have thrown it around with her still in there. Probably. I wouldn't be keen on taking the risk, to be honest. It's quite a long step between throwing a cat (despicable though that is) to throwing your own child, but he clearly has a horrible temper and isn't above taking it out on the family, even if not physically (yet).

Run away, run away.

AnyFucker Mon 24-Sep-12 23:30:48

I dunno, Annie

I think it's fairly well-recognised that for people who abuse defenceless animals, it's a relatively short step for them to abusing a child

It wouldn't be such a documented red flag if that weren't the case

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