Oh no! What have I done wrong... I feel like I've buggered things up but not sure how!

[Squeegle]

I feel like a bit stupid.... And am looking for sage MN advice.

I have split up from my partner about 6 months ago, but things were extremely difficult for a long time before that. Basically he was an alcoholic, so for a long time I have been doing things on my own and looking after our two DCs, they are 8 and 10 now. I don't have family nearby, and because I work full time, I don't know that many local friends. And those I do have I have become a bit isolated from as I used to avoid social occasions because of drunken partner.

And so now I am feeling rather lonely, work is probably where I fit in best and where I feel happiest.

So....earlier this year I realised I quite liked someone at work. He isn't in the same team, but I occasionally work with him, by no means on a daily or even weekly basis. He lives quite near me, and I know he's split up from his wife. ( we're both late 40s by the way).

So we have had several chats about local stuff, schools and the like, kids etc. in the course of these chats I realised I quite liked him. Fast forward to around 3 weeks ago.

Email from him 5.30 on a Friday night inviting me to his for a drink over weekend.

I said I was busy with kids but would like to another time. Fine, he texted back, anytime. Then on the Sunday night I texted " sorry re the weekend, wd love to have a drink sometime, when is good for you?"

He replied ( a day later), with "am in hospital for op this week let's sort when I recover". Ok I said good luck.

He is now back from hospital- first day today.... Have not heard a peep. Feel like I buggered it up, was I too keen? Feel like I'm too old to play games, but also feel let down, as I thought there was something there.

Am fed up, feeling old and fed up. Need advice and a kick up the arse to tell me to belt up.

[puds11]

He has just come out of hospital. I can't imagine he's up for a drink!

[HellonHeels]

Give him a chance - he's been off work and had an op, probably feeling a bit fragile. I bet dating has not been uppermost in his mind while he's been recovering.

[sarahseashell]

blimey! give the man at least a few weeks! he said he'd contact you after he's come out of hospital I wouldn't take that to mean the actual day he gets out! He'll be in touch in the next few weeks I should think. Just chill and keep busy with other things. Maybe this is a bit soon for you to be rushing into anything heavy relationship wise anyway IMVHO

[Numberlock]

Send him a nice text - hey, hope the op went ok, how are you feeling? X

[Squeegle]

Yup you're right. I suppose am just surprised he hasn't texted to say he's back or anything. Bizarrely, he sent me a text from hospital telling me a kind of ward type joke. I suppose I just can't work out this on / off communication. If it was me I would say hi, I'm back, how are you, and I suppose the fact he hasn't bothered tells me I'm not top of his priority list.

[susiedaisy]

I think your doing fine, he's prob shattered and feels he won't look his best, there's no way I would invite someone over first day after Coming home from hospital. Leave it a day or two and drop a card through the door and give him a cheery text wishing him well and go from there

[Squeegle]

Thanks all. I think I have built this up into big romance in my own mind. Which is sort of all connected with the loneliness I have felt. Would live to be able to be more take it or leave it.

[Numberlock]

Oh and be wary, just noticed he invited you to his house for a drink...

If he wants to date you, he has to do it properly.

[Squeegle]

Do you think that is a bad sign then number?

[Numberlock]

In the meantime, how about getting back in touch with those friends you mentioned?

[Numberlock]

Not necessarily but I would say you would like to meet at xyz pub if he suggests it again. Make it clear it's a date and you are worth making an effort for.

It's a good sign he texted you from hospital.
Send your friendly text and I'm sure he'll reply soon. And take it from there.

[Squeegle]

I think I have got to get the focus off him, am rather obsessed and it's making me too unhappy. Just feel frustrated, and wish in a way he hadn't even sent that first email. Wish I could understand other people sometimes!

[sarahseashell]

yes maybe focus on picking up your social life OP - you've had a lot to contend with having been married to an alcoholic and bringing up your children. Spend some time being kind to yourself and getting the support you need.

[Squeegle]

It's weird though re the text from hospital. I replied and asked how are you? He said home today- that was last Tuesday! And he's back at work today. Which makes me think he is quite recovered- don't you think that's a bit mixed messages?

[Squeegle]

Agree re social life. Need to work on myself as they say!

[sarahseashell]

oh I thought from your OP that he'd just got back from hospital today! So he's first day back at work today? Nonetheless just leave it and wait for him to contact you now. It is hard getting back into the dating game but things move at different paces for different people and it's not in your interests to rush into a relationship right now so just bide your time and focus on yourself, like you say. good luck

[PfftTheMagicDraco]

Why would you be top of his priority list? You havent even been on a date yet!

[susiedaisy]

Agree with sarahseashell

[Numberlock]

Send him a text - hope first day back wasn't too bad and op went well.

Then leave it.

And text the friends you lost touch with too!

[Squeegle]

Thanks folks . I guess I feel reassured that noone has said that I have seemed overkeen and have frightened him off.

I'll just see how it goes, and try to concentrate on other stuff a bit. I suppose if he is keen we will see- and if he's not that will also be apparent. I am just a bit puzzled by the way things have gone, complicated by an operation! I'll try to calm it.

[izzyizin]

It occurs to me that you don't know which bit of him was operated on

It's rarely a good idea to mix business with pleasure and it's an absolute no-no if you're the type that allows yourself to become obsessed by fixated on an object you desire.

If he's still keen on having a drink with you sometime he'll indicate it by word or deed when he's in the mood ready to do so and you'd be ill-advised to press the point with any further texts/emails/come hither looks when you next see him, etc.

In the meantime, make an effort to rebuild/extend your social circle and look to the wider population to satisfy any desire you may have for hot sex 'romance'.

[Squeegle]

at come hither looks! Not really my style, which I kind of feel is part of the problem.

I am more likely to go red and trip up. Not an appealing look at 46.

Agree with all you say izzy, I guess I was just confused, he seemed keen, now does not. Am feeling stupid to have allowed myself to become so obsessed.

[overmydeadbody]

Give the guy a chance!


You are not on his priority list, he doesn't even know you yet on a social level, and he might not be in any ruch to get into another relationship.

Don't read too muxh into his contact or lack of contact, you haven't even been on a date. Put it this way, if he was female and you had just struck up a friendship, you wouldn't fret just because you didn't hear from her for a few weeks. Friendships take time to develop, and in many cases, so do relationships.

[overmydeadbody]

Also, others might not agree, but it might be a good sign. If he'd just wanted a no strings shag he might have contacted you by now, his taking his time might be an indicator that he wants something more serious (or that he just wants a friendship!)

[sarahseashell]

he might not be able to shag straight after an operation and that's why he's waiting