I'm extremely concerned that lack of police attention to this matter has caused you to seek some solace in minimising/trivialising the fact that a predatory male selected you for the sole purpose of exercising power over a woman of small/slight stature by attacking and raping her after he had waited for her to go to sleep.
I suspect that a narrow escape caused him to modify his modus operandi whereby he adopts some subterfuge - in your case pretending to be sound asleep and unwakeable - to remain in his victim's home overnight in order to further refute any allegation of his having committed a sexual offence on an unwilling party.
It's unlikely that the festive season elapsed without him having reoffended and it's probable there is another woman, or women, who felt as you did, and are feeling as you do now, because they did not report him to the police - and they are just the latest in what I further suspect is a long and ever growing list of his victims.
This man is dangerous, Crispy, and I am convinced he has come to the attention of a police force somewhere, possibly the regional authority where he goes diving or maybe under his 'real' name rather than the one he allegedly subsequently adopted/assumed.
I urge you to get back to the officer who was and is charged with investigating your complaint and raise Cain inform them that unless your complaint is taken seriously, you will have no alternative but to make contact with your MP.
Please do it, honey - when your experience becomes validated by the police you're going to be abe to put away that blade, albeit you may still feel need for a vodka or 2 now and again.
I never feel clean anymore. I've been contaminated and I can't get rid of that
Yes, you can get rid of it, honey. He's the skank, the unclean predator who strikes in the night after luring his prey into a false sense of security using his job as an equally false banner of honour.
He's a foul minded inadequate. A pathetic excuse for a man who can only get his rocks off by acts of sexual dominance.
He may have touched your body, my love, but he didn't touch you , the inner Crispy, the soul that remains inviolate no matter what abomination is visited on the physical body within which it's housed.
I'm sick of feeling like some kind of whore. Like I deserve what happened to me. I'm sick of thinking and rehashing and what I could have done different to make it not have happened
You're not a whore, honey. You're a woman who was duped; taken in by a well-practised sexual predator who has fooled many other women who, just like yourself, did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to deserve what he does to those he perceives as being weaker than himself.
In common with his other victims, and the countless numbers of women and girls who have been brutalised and raped by strangers, there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING you could have done to make it not have happened.
If you hadn't agreed to meet him, he would have no doubt kept up a charm offensive until you gave in and it would have been infinitely worse had this come about because you were flattered by his persistence.
Don't beat yourself up for this worthless turd, Crispy. Save the self-flagellation for your real sins - and this ain't one of them, my dear.
After an ordeal of the nature you endured, feelings of self-disgust are not uncommon and can manifest in self-neglect.
Please get in touch with www.rapecrisis.org.uk and talk through your feelings. You'll get a ton of support and encouragement here, but there's nothing quite like hearing the words in real time in real life and you very much need to hear them being spoken to you by a real voice, Crispy.
I'm glad izzy revived your thread Crispy, this is no good at all, is it? Please phone Rape Crisis. I'm horrified the police never got back to you. I wonder how many women have received the same treatment from him since. Look after yourself. Lots of people here care x
If I was with you today, Crispy, after a lot of hugs the heating would be whacked up, you'd be wrapped in a fluffy blanket, fed a bowl of nourishing soup, and I'd dial 0808 802 9999 and hold your hand while you speak to Rape Crisis.
Unfortunately you've got to do this by yourself but please know that you've got a virtual army of mumsnetters by your side when you make the call and I hope you'll do it today so that your nights get easier for you.
If you are feeling like a whore, feeling you deserved what happened to you, believing you'll never feel clean again, and are considering self-harming when you are drunk, I will put money on these thoughts eating away at you when you're sober.
You need to heal and he needs to be stopped. PLEASE, Crispy, make the calls before you reach for the bottle again.
Crispy, what you have experienced can be sublimated, but will come out and bite you. It would be good if you could make the calls as Izzy says, but at the very least, in order to look after yourself, try to arrange for counselling. You need to get this out rather than plastering on a smile and shoving the whole ugly business firmly down. Pretending that it didn't happen and that you are perfectly fine takes up so much energy, for one thing.
It is an awful thing to have in your life. I am so sorry.