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It's not looking good, is it?

(41 Posts)
fancyfilomena Mon 24-Sep-12 15:33:36

Hello, first time poster here, so thanks in advance for any advice.

BF of nine months is devastated after we found out I was pregnant last week. We were using rhythm/withdrawal methods, so perhaps not most secure method, but it's a bit of a shock nonetheless.
The problem is that he feels we have barely spent enough time together to know we can parent well together. I already have a 5 yo DS who I am bringing up alone (exp moved to Oz). This means we have only ever had one wekeend away on our own, for example. Although BF is brilliant with DS, I have been increasingly feeling that he is reluctant for us to move in together as he would be taking on a de facto parent role.

When we met BF said he did want children, but only when the time was right. He feels he can't support me financially at the moment and that there are still too many things he needs to achieve in life (despite nearly turning 40).

I said I was prepared to have an early medical abortion if he was able to thoroughly support me through it and we could plan another pregnancy in a year's time.

He feels that I would not cope well with an abortion, as I don't really want one and it would ruin our relationship. I think he's probably right. But I'm not sure our relationship will flourish with the stress of an unplanned pregnancy, given how he's not ready.

It's basically not looking good, is it? I am either staring down the barrel of an abortion and breakup or another single pregnancy and a break up. Am I a total idiot to pray for a 'let's see how we get on' and it all working out in the end? He says he loves me and does not want us to split up, but he has also told me the pregnancy has 'put him right off sex', so isn't exactly being very loving and tender right now sad

madonnawhore Mon 24-Sep-12 15:35:20

Forget about him for the moment; what do YOU want?

Mama1980 Mon 24-Sep-12 15:36:28

I have been in a similar position. Forget about him for a minute what do you want to do? Do you want this baby?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 24-Sep-12 15:37:50

If he was that serious about avoiding fatherhood he would have used a barrier method of contraception. Bit silly to get huffy about it after taking such a risk. Don't do anything you don't want to.... Good luck

fancyfilomena Mon 24-Sep-12 15:38:59

I would like another baby, but I don't want to bring up another child on my own.

I desperately want to continue my relationship with my boyfriend as I love him very much. But I think I would resent him if i were to abort. I am nearly 38, so this is possibly my last chance.

What I basically want is for him to fucking man up. (hate that phase usually, but seems to articulate how I feel right now)

DragonMamma Mon 24-Sep-12 15:40:40

It's a tough situation to be in. He's at least been honest with how he feels and has given you information with which you can base your decision on, because let's face it, you'll be left holding the baby if it all goes belly up.

I would absolutely not base your decision on hoping it'll all work out in the end, only base it on the facts you have to hand and what YOU want to do. I

fancyfilomena Mon 24-Sep-12 15:49:11

Thanks for messages. I agree I shd not base my decision on it all working out in the end. What is difficult to assess is the emotional consequences of an abortion and whether or not it would end our relationship, and if bringing up another child on my own is preferable to those consequences.

I don't even have any pregnancy symptoms yet, so the whole thing is very abstract.

ClippedPhoenix Mon 24-Sep-12 15:49:29

Yes OP you need to base your decision on what you want to do. He could be out of your life in a year or so anyway, who knows?

You want the baby and him. This may not be possible OP. Nothing in life comes with a guarantee.

CinnamonPreztel Mon 24-Sep-12 16:03:34

I'm pro-choice but do not think any woman should have an abortion unless she is certain that is what is right for her. I am speaking from experience- I'm not saying you'll regret an abortion but if you are unsure just remember how final an abortion is.

What does your gut instinct say? Abort or continue with the pregnancy? You cannot predict what will happen with this man- Maybe you would be a single parent to 2, maybe he would stand up and take care of you all. You just don't know, so you must consider this pregnancy in terms of what YOU want.

OovoofWelcome Mon 24-Sep-12 16:07:30

Could you forgive him, if you had the abortion? Given as it sounds as if really, you want to keep this baby. And yes your age is a factor.

In a year he might still not be ready and you might fight with the resentment and anger you have been left with.

I am pro choice btw.

Good luck thanks And should you decide to keep it, and your relationship ends, you WILL cope, you will have a new DC to love, and will be able to move on to a more supportive relationship.

DragonMamma Mon 24-Sep-12 16:11:38

I know you want him to 'man up' as.such but it's not a case of him being scared - he's made his feelings quite clear about not wanting this baby.

I was in a very similar situation, I fell pg 9 months in to the relationship - he was quite honest about not wanting the baby, I got as far as the clinic and turned around the morning of the op and then the resentment set in, he threw it in my face until I left at 5 months in. Even afterwards he refused to step up to the plate and just bleated on about he made his feelings known, he wasn't obliged to be a good dad as I'd gone against his wishes. Safe to say, we haven't heard from him since dc was very young and I can't imagine we ever will.

You need to take him out of the equation - chances are you'll lose him whatever you do because if you abort you'll resent him and if you don't, he will potentially resent you. So it boils down to whether you want this baby on your own or not?

hellymelly Mon 24-Sep-12 16:14:54

I agree its all about what you want. I also think if he's so against a baby then why was he using withdrawal- the least effective contraceptive ever? He can't have been that worried about an unexpected pregnancy as it was fairly likely to happen. So I agree with you on the "manning up" frankly.

fancyfilomena Mon 24-Sep-12 16:22:57

I think you've hit the nail on the head Dragon. Chances are I will lose him.

Which is a real shame, as it was going so well and I really love him. I have not had much luck with men and I had him down as a keeper. Thing is, we both said very early on that we both wanted kids. It's just a shame that he thinks the timing is so very wrong right now.

I don't think for one moment he will not have anything to do with the child when/if it's born btw, even if we do split up. I am on very good terms with his parents, and they would definitely want to know their grandchild. So that makes me feel even more sad. He'll probably resent me for continuing the pregnancy, but I'll have to share custody with somebody I love but who doesn't love me sad

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 24-Sep-12 16:23:14

Sorry OP, but contraception was equally your choices as much as his - or did you just decide that you didn't mind getting pregnant?

I do feel sorry for you as I think your relationship will be over no matter what, but I feel sorrier for children being born to 'fathers' who don't want them. I really dislike the 'man up' statement - as much as I'd dislike 'woman up' - both parties need to get a grip and be responsible for creating new life, which means making sure it's what BOTH want.

I get so incensed when I read posts here about women saying that if a man doesn't want a baby he should use something... what about the woman actually thinking of the consequences of having a child that isn't going to have a dad and actually, consciously using something?

I do wish you well... you're in a horrid situation that isn't going to go the way you want it to.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 24-Sep-12 16:24:11

x-posted with you OP, perhaps he will be a father to your child after all, but what a horrible situation.

fancyfilomena Mon 24-Sep-12 16:27:01

Yes, Lying, it is my responsibility as well, and i accept it.

Given that, maybe an abortion is the best option. I have actually booked an appointment for the earliest possible date to take the tablet (5 weeks 3 days).

Perhaps I will never have another child. But at least I have my DS.

sad

Machadaynu Mon 24-Sep-12 16:31:38

I'm an almost 40 year old man if that helps.

If you want the baby you both made, keep the baby. You might keep him too, if he said he wanted kids later. He might come round: nothing makes you feel old like having a toddler about, so perhaps he'll realise, when he's almost 43 and the kid is hard to keep up with, that actually if he'd left it much after 40 he might not have had kids at all, or would certainly have found it harder work.

That said, if he doesn't think it's the right time and he's already 40, he might never think it's the right time.

Apocalypto Mon 24-Sep-12 16:33:41

Actually hellymelly the effectiveness of withdrawal and of condoms are about the same in typical use anyway, i.e. around 95%. The difference is minimal. In fact either used exactly as per the instructions on the packet is about as effective as the pill as it is typically used.

You don't need to take any account of his wishes whatsoever and can do exactly as you please re keeping / not keeping. I would think though that if you simply inform him of your decision, that'll kill the relationship for him, because why would he want to remain involved with someone who will ignore his views on this and presumably much else besides. Equally, if you accede to his views you'll regret it for ever.

The only way out of this that won't trash the relationship AFAICT is if you miscarry or if one of you spontaneously comes around to the other's point of view. Sorry to be blunt but there it is and I think you had best prepare for single life.

izzyizin Mon 24-Sep-12 16:33:49

Am I a total idiot to pray for a 'let's see how we get on' and it all working out in the end

Your que sera sera approach to contraception has led to a situation where praying is not going to resolve the question of whether you have an early abortion or continue the pgy unless nature intervenes.

Similarly, as it seems that your bf was already beginning to withdraw (no pun intended) from the relationship by making it clear that he did not wish to embrace the commitment that comes from living with a woman who has a child and is now withholding affection from you, praying is unlikely to result in him having any conversion change of heart on the road to Damascus the labour ward and you should prepare for the probability that, unless you act now, you will become a single parent to 2 dc.

Your relationship with this man is blown because you have different agendas and I suspect that your desire to have another dc 'before it is too late' caused you to make a gross error of judgement in expecting him to become more than a sperm donor if you 'accidentally' became pg.

The question is whether you have the balls to man up and recognise that getting what you wished for is unlikely to answer your prayers.

fancyfilomena Mon 24-Sep-12 16:35:00

Thanks Machadaynu, it does help to hear a man's perspective.

What's so baffling is that all my friends/families have commented on how extraordinarily brilliant he is with my DS. He is better with him than his own biological father is.

And I do believe he loves me. But last night he said that the fact he loves me dearly is 'irrelevant' - at the moment he just feels like we do not have enough evidence to know whether or not we can live/parent happily together.

I agree we have not 'tested' our relationship in this way, but I also think that sometimes life requires a leap of faith.

But obviously I can't make him make that leap.

Thakns again for male perspective.

izzyizin Mon 24-Sep-12 16:41:19

Some men, and women too, are more likely to run away leap out of the window before making any leap of faith, honey, and he sounds as if he's one of them.

Machadaynu Mon 24-Sep-12 16:49:42

His argument is weak. I've been married twice. The first Mrs Mach and I got on really well for the first few years, and drifted apart because we wanted different things. We never had anything difficult to deal with though really - no relatives died or were ill the entire time we were together, we both had jobs and later careers, we bought a nice house, we went on holidays - the relationship was never 'tested' apart from by time: we were young when we got together and we changed - but that shouldn't really be a factor with you two. Being together a long time doesn't 'test' a relationship.

It's also a bit of an odd thing to say I think. It's like all relationships are on watch in case. How will you react if x happens? What about y? There's only one way to find out as you say: a leap of faith. If he thinks being together a bit longer will provide evidence of whether or not you can cope with having a kid together he doesn't know what it's like to have a kid. As you say (and I do hope this isn't too clumsy) if you're 38 there is only so long he has to 'find out' anyway. I think time is one of the main reasons why the kid will be an only.

He may come round. I was always the one swamped by friend's kids asking me to play with them, and yet even though we'd both decided that we'd like to try and have one of our own, I still felt a bit unprepared when I found out we actually were going to have one.

DizziDoll Mon 24-Sep-12 16:50:55

I got pregnant with DS after our first proper date. He wanted an abortion, I instinctively didn't. I went to councelling to find out if I could go through with an abortion and decided I couldn't
One evening he came to mine with a bottle of champagne and said 'let's go for it'. My DH is a wonderfull father and we are expecting DC3 now.
Every situation is different but it does sometimes work out.
Decide what you want and give him the space and time to come around to it. If he doesn't, it wasn't meant to be.

catfart Mon 24-Sep-12 16:57:02

What if you were to have the abortion, keep your man but perhaps not conceive again 'when he thinks your relationship has been tested', how would you feel then? How would you both feel?

It's not ideal I know, this pregnancy is unplanned.....but ever the optimist I am. If you do love each other, nothing's unsurmountable.

catfart Mon 24-Sep-12 16:59:20

X post with Mach and Dizzy!

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