I honestly dont know where to start, its like I cant get things straight in my head. So im sorry if I start to ramble...
Been with my DH for 12 years, we have 5DC.
He has never been one for telling me he loves me, although he used to make an effort to text. Now he literally never tells me. He doesnt touch me (apart from if he wants sex), he doesnt hold my hand, doesnt kiss me. Theres no affection whatsoever. He says thats just not the way hes built and I shouldnt want to change him. Im not sure why how I am bulit and what I need doesnt matter?? Ive thought for a very long time he must withhold affection on purpose, it feels like hes trying to punish me (for what im not sure). I dont feel loved at all, or secure. I have told him this but nothing ever changes and now im wondering if this is how he prefers it.
Im embarrassed to admit he doesnt really talk to me. I try and make conversation and he replys with a series of hmmms and grunts. Its like nothing I say interests him as when hes with his friends he never stops talking. And when he does answer me im ashamed to say I feel so happy about it that I sort of over do it, IYSWIM, and go overboard trying to keep the conversation going.
We dont spend any quality time together, unless we're spending money. He is so bad with money that despite keeping a few hundred pounds to himself every month (all bills come out my account, the money he keeps is just for him) he is always penniless the week after payday and just takes my debit card if he feels like it. Part of me thinks that as im a SAHM he believes that all the money is his anyway. Hes gotten more brazen about just helping himself despite the fact that I need to run the house and car on whatever I get.
I worked for the entire time previous to having DC4 last year but it has always been my responsibility to look after the house and children. Hes not a hands on father, rarely takes them anywhere (park etc) with me and does nothing around the house. I mean nothing! But since I stopped working its gotten so much worse. He literally doesnt even put his clothes in the wash or plates in the sink anymore. I ask him every day how work was etc, but he never asks me. Also when we're arguing he calls me a lazy bitch and says i dont do anything. I do all the basics every day whilst looking after a 13month old and a 9 weeks old but its hard. He makes me feel like a failure .
He has been physical in the past, the worst instance being last Christmas when we argued because he was very drunk and had woken DC4 repeatedly. He choked me and pushed me to the floor. Although the one time we talked about it he said I was making things worse in my head. He does this a lot, telling me im making things worse in my head, telling me I said things I didnt and that he hasnt said what I know he has. It all drives me crazy. However whenever i challenge him on this or get upset he says I need to see a Dr again as im nuts (I suffered from PND 5years ago after almost dying giving birth to DC3 and this is his automatic response to anything I say).
I dont feel loved or respected or attractive or secure but part of me wonders if im looking for a relationship that just doesnt exist. That im wanting something that nobody has, that only exists in fiction? He wants me to think this.
Im so confused . And very sorry this is so long
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Need advice - so confused
14 replies
Justtheonemore · 24/09/2012 12:16
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