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Need advice - so confused

(15 Posts)
Justtheonemore Mon 24-Sep-12 12:16:04

I honestly dont know where to start, its like I cant get things straight in my head. So im sorry if I start to ramble...

Been with my DH for 12 years, we have 5DC.

He has never been one for telling me he loves me, although he used to make an effort to text. Now he literally never tells me. He doesnt touch me (apart from if he wants sex), he doesnt hold my hand, doesnt kiss me. Theres no affection whatsoever. He says thats just not the way hes built and I shouldnt want to change him. Im not sure why how I am bulit and what I need doesnt matter?? Ive thought for a very long time he must withhold affection on purpose, it feels like hes trying to punish me (for what im not sure). I dont feel loved at all, or secure. I have told him this but nothing ever changes and now im wondering if this is how he prefers it.

Im embarrassed to admit he doesnt really talk to me. I try and make conversation and he replys with a series of hmmms and grunts. Its like nothing I say interests him as when hes with his friends he never stops talking. And when he does answer me im ashamed to say I feel so happy about it that I sort of over do it, IYSWIM, and go overboard trying to keep the conversation going.

We dont spend any quality time together, unless we're spending money. He is so bad with money that despite keeping a few hundred pounds to himself every month (all bills come out my account, the money he keeps is just for him) he is always penniless the week after payday and just takes my debit card if he feels like it. Part of me thinks that as im a SAHM he believes that all the money is his anyway. Hes gotten more brazen about just helping himself despite the fact that I need to run the house and car on whatever I get.

I worked for the entire time previous to having DC4 last year but it has always been my responsibility to look after the house and children. Hes not a hands on father, rarely takes them anywhere (park etc) with me and does nothing around the house. I mean nothing! But since I stopped working its gotten so much worse. He literally doesnt even put his clothes in the wash or plates in the sink anymore. I ask him every day how work was etc, but he never asks me. Also when we're arguing he calls me a lazy bitch and says i dont do anything. I do all the basics every day whilst looking after a 13month old and a 9 weeks old but its hard. He makes me feel like a failure sad.

He has been physical in the past, the worst instance being last Christmas when we argued because he was very drunk and had woken DC4 repeatedly. He choked me and pushed me to the floor. Although the one time we talked about it he said I was making things worse in my head. He does this a lot, telling me im making things worse in my head, telling me I said things I didnt and that he hasnt said what I know he has. It all drives me crazy. However whenever i challenge him on this or get upset he says I need to see a Dr again as im nuts (I suffered from PND 5years ago after almost dying giving birth to DC3 and this is his automatic response to anything I say).

I dont feel loved or respected or attractive or secure but part of me wonders if im looking for a relationship that just doesnt exist. That im wanting something that nobody has, that only exists in fiction? He wants me to think this.

Im so confused sad. And very sorry this is so long

NoToastWithoutKnickers Mon 24-Sep-12 12:27:38

I'm so sorry you're going through this sad

I could have written a lot of what you've said 18 months ago as our marriages sound very similar (except I've just got the one DC so in your position I can't begin to think what it must be like).

I chose to end my marriage because I believed that nothing would ever change and that he didn't want to change. As far as he was concerned I was the one with the problem rather than him being abusive.

I'm not going to tell you to end your marriage just because I did, I'm just going to ask a couple of questions:

1. Where do you want your marriage to go?
2. Have you considered counselling/can you imagine him agreeing to it?
3. Have you spoken to women's aid? Have a look at their website

There are some amazing women on this board who will give you some good, sound advice, far better than anything I can articulate but I didn't want to read and run.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 24-Sep-12 12:31:09

You're not nuts and your story is not confused either. Sadly, you're in an abusive relationship. Just from what you describe you've got physical violence which crosses a very big line and is certainly not at all 'in your head'. That's enough on its own but, in addition, you've got financial abuse, emotional abuse (withholding affection, incommunicative, insulting), he doesn't respect you, he's selfish, lazy and he accuses you of being mentally ill if you question him at all. That adds up to a very nasty piece of work and you should get yourself and your children away fom his twisted control methods.

Most men are decent people who do not behave that way towards the partner they claim to love. They are kind, considerate and affectionate. They take responsibility for their family and treat their partner as an equal... not as a dogsbody. They are quite real, not just in the pages of books.

Do you have friends or family you could talk to about this? If not, you may find Women's Aid useful. 0808 2000 247

Badinage Mon 24-Sep-12 12:31:33

I've been married almost three times as long as you and my husband shows that he loves me every single day. He would rather die than hurt a hair on my head, often does more than half of the chores, finds me attractive and shows it and is a great listener. That's normal in our world, is like most of the marriages I know and so it does exist.

Thank the lord your husband doesn't love you. It would make it harder to get out of this marriage if there was any evidence that he did. But he doesn't. He's an abuser and you are abused.

You'll get a lot of long posts I think that will all amount to the same thing, so I'll cut to the chase.

You need to get out and fast and if you don't you are failing your children.

missbennett Mon 24-Sep-12 12:32:39

Hello, didn't want you to go unanswered. Your situation sounds very difficult and seems as though your needs are not being met in this relationship. You must be exhausted with 2 such young children plus all the responsisbilities you list. Not sure what the answer is - do you want the relationship to survive? I spent a long time married to a man who was not dissimilar in somme ways - did very little in the house, didn't want to engage in conversation, was hopeless with money and to be honest life is much better now we are not together. But my children are much older and what's right for one person isn't for another. It might be worth going back to your GP and asking for some counselling? I did this and really valued the space it gave me to focus on how I was and start to unpick the muddle that was in my head. It sounds as though your DH is disresepctful and abusive towards you and on that basis ending the relationship might be for the best. But it's never that simple and you have to decide what you want and then plan accordingly. Sorry, no real answers but I'm sorry you're in such a horrible place right now.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 24-Sep-12 12:34:04

"He choked me and pushed me to the floor. "

You'd have been well within your rights to call the police at that point. He's a criminal.

bumhead Mon 24-Sep-12 12:41:00

I'm sorry I'm struggling to see what you're getting out of this 'relationship'. He sounds dreadful! How would it be any worse for you if you kicked his sorry arse out?
He sounds 16 years old!

worldgonecrazy Mon 24-Sep-12 12:47:42

It's no wonder you're confused - have a big hug.

He is keeping you confused because if you had the clarity of looking at your relationship from the outside, you would see what an abusive person he is. You deserve happiness, unfortunately you will never find it if you stay with him.

You're not nuts, just so cowed by the situation that you can't see the truth, though I suspect you are beginning to understand that this is not good for you or your children.

There are lots of threads with great advice on how to get out of a relationship. You don't need to go tomorrow (unless he gets violent in which case get out fast) but you do need to start planning how to ensure that you are able to live well when you do begin to blossom.

Google gaslighting.

SavoyCabbage Mon 24-Sep-12 12:49:25

This sounds just awful. Don't think it's normal because it isn't. It's normal to be kind and thoughtful to person you share your life with.

My dh just came home from work and he was cold as he gets the train and it was raining so I made him some Milo. We have been married for 11 years. It's so sad that your dh wants to distort your view of relationships.

You need to get out of this I think. And start your life. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

suburbophobe Mon 24-Sep-12 12:52:39

Emotional abuse, financial abuse, physical abuse, gaslighting....

I think you need to take your attention and focus off why he is doing this (you'll never get an answer) and start to think and focus on getting out, he will never change, even worse, it will escalate (because he thinks he can get away with it).

This is not how you want to live, nor bring your children up in such a toxic atmosphere and to think it's the norm.

Wishing you lots of strength!

Badinage Mon 24-Sep-12 12:54:16

Staying with a man who is violent and abusive is child abuse in itself. I'm sorry if that guilt trips anyone, but it's the truth. The fact that some of your children are young is even more reason to get out now before it does them incalculable damage.

Justtheonemore Mon 24-Sep-12 23:15:22

Thank you for bothering to read my ramblings.

I know what everyone is saying is true but its so strange, like I know it but somehow I cant believe it? Hard to explain. If this was happening to someone I loved id be mortified.

And yet somehow im not really sure if anything is really happening (apart from Christmas). Its all so subtle, for want of a better word. I suppose on there own all the things that happen wouldnt be nice but....its hard to say abuse. Its like i know im unhappy but when I try to think things through I cant quite put my finger on why im feeling the way I do. When I think of our marriage its all just confusing. Im not even sure that makes sense but its the closest I can get to explaining how it makes me feel. Confusing and miserable sad.

I dont feel I can talk to anyone, I feel embarrassed because im still here. And he wouldnt go to a counselling, no way.

I almost feel like im waiting for him to do something huge, something completely unforgivable so that I could justify ripping my DCs family apart. Christmas should have been that but somehow I believed I provoked him. I ended up arguing back with him and telling him to just do it if thats what he wanted. No excuse I know but the goading makes me feel partially responsible.

I know he'd meet someone else quickly, even if just to hurt me. My biggest fear with this (other than the hurt) is that they'd be happy and id realise that it was all me expecting too much. That its all me and my issues.

Ultimately I just really love him, despite not knowing why anymore.

But I also know this is a really toxic marriage and I shouldnt feel like this. Alone in the big wide world maybe, but surely never in my own home??

Im just scared of everything right now. And ive always been such a strong person. Pathetic really sad.

amillionyears Mon 24-Sep-12 23:26:22

op,so sorry for you.
I think you know what you need to do.
You cant believe it because you do not want to believe it.That doesnt mean it isnt true.

amillionyears Mon 24-Sep-12 23:27:29

I think you will get your own strength back.

BurlingtonBertieFromBow Mon 24-Sep-12 23:31:39

He sounds like a cock - file for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. What is the point of being with someone who doesn't make you happy or even try to?

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