I have namechanged for this as my partner knows I use Mumsnet and don?t want to be outed to him as I think he knows my normal NN. This is going to be very long, and rambling but I really need some help. I am 45, DD has just turned 2 and I have been with my partner for nearly 10 years.
I have, for a while, thought things were not right. It has now got to the point where his behaviour sometimes affects DD moods, so is now no longer acceptable. I have recently started keeping notes of his behaviour and I have put some of them down here. This is both emotional and financial abuse isn?t it?
I am going to CAB today, to see what help if any I can get in the short term until I can get a job again. I am trying to make an appointment with the housing people for the same thing. I?m also trying to get some money together but this is difficult (when I do a car boot sale he insists we go out for lunch and I pay with the proceeds). I need to sell my motorbike, which we have been discussing for a while and I?m hoping I can put this off until I move out and can get it away, otherwise he will sell it ?for me? and put the money in ?our savings account? (read his).
I can?t change child benefit payment details until we have moved out, as this is currently paid into a savings account for DD which only he has access to so he will know if I change it.
He will stop paying me the ?allowance? I am lucky to get from him as soon as I walk out the door. I know that he will have to contribute to DD?s care but will likely have to fight for this. Not because he won?t want to do it, but he will think that if he ?gives? me no money I will have no choice but to go back to him.
I know where he keeps most documents, so when he is next out I will be scanning them onto my PC. I can get certificates, passports etc with no problem.
His redeeming feature, he loves our DD (he?s not very handson but absolutely adores her) and this is the main reason I have not done anything in the past, but it is now getting too much.
DD very upset and crying due to change in routine as first day at nursery. I forgot to turn off monitor. He would not take DD and calm her down so I could get dressed. Threw baby monitor length of landing and slammed doors. Got home from nursery just after 9am and he was acting like nothing happened. No apology.
Wants to put GPS tracking on my phone so he knows where I am.
Coming back from his parents car pulled out in front of us. P tailgated with hand on horn for about 1/2 mile. At roundabout cut right across driver and stopped. If other driver had not stopped he would have hit car where DD sits. Other driver drove round us so P got in front of him and braked hard to about 20 mph. All the while shouting at me because I asked him to stop. Got a barrage of verbal abuse about not supporting him. All the while I was trying to calm C who was frightened and upset. Then drove the final 15 miles too fast so D and I were rattled around in the car. In addition to this not being acceptable DD and I had been involved in a quite serious car accident only 6 weeks previously (we were mostly unhurt but DD is a bit nervous still).
Wants the money DD and I received after a car accident to be transferred into his account so he knows where it is.
Also very clear that all money is his because he works and I don't and I am lucky that he gives me an allowance. It is also his house as is everything in it. Of which I am reminded on a regular basis. He owns the house and has never wanted to add my name to it.
Telling me that none of our joint friends like me.
Whenever I do something he doesn't like he brings up my business failure. I had my own business which due to economic pressures I had to close ? this was 4 years ago.
Won't let my friends come & stay.
This is a bit petty, but does sum things up. Standing by drawer where clean teatowels are and berating me for 5 minutes for not getting out a clean one and standing over me until I did it.
Lost my debit card recently. Been cancelled but transaction went through that left me with no money when out shopping for food. P lent me £50. Money was back in my account next day and I had to pay him straight back.
Going on and on about things he wants me to do not getting done immediately. "I shouldn't have to keep asking you". Usually it's something he could do himself. But if I ask him to do something and it doesn?t get done, it?s because he?s too busy trying to keep a roof over our heads (he has a very good, secure job and works from home).
We did ?have a talk? about a week ago, during which I told him how I felt and that I had never been so unhappy in my life. This of course is my fault and if I did things right/his way etc I would be happy.
He has made some effort, but not much. He actually did some washing up and washing over the weekend. But then decided that the things he wanted to do HAD to be done on Saturday when the weather was good, and I could do the gardening on Sunday (despite knowing the weather was going to change). The jobs he wanted to do were all indoors. What he actually meant was that he did not want to spend the time alone with DD (the bit of garden I needed to work on is a very steep, terraced bank, which is not safe for DD to be on and she frets if left alone at the bottom). I am also supposed to be really grateful that he did these things ?for me?.
There are more things but I think this is quite long enough. Am I doing the right things? Is there anything else I need to be doing? I have already told my GP as I am on ADs because of all this. We are not physically in danger so I am planning slowly and carefully, but if that changes we can just shoot out the door to my DMs but he will know that is where we are.
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
It Is Abusive Isn't It? Please Help Me
34 replies
13YearsOn · 24/09/2012 10:46
OP posts:
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.