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It Is Abusive Isn't It? Please Help Me

(35 Posts)
13YearsOn Mon 24-Sep-12 10:46:36

I have namechanged for this as my partner knows I use Mumsnet and don’t want to be outed to him as I think he knows my normal NN. This is going to be very long, and rambling but I really need some help. I am 45, DD has just turned 2 and I have been with my partner for nearly 10 years.

I have, for a while, thought things were not right. It has now got to the point where his behaviour sometimes affects DD moods, so is now no longer acceptable. I have recently started keeping notes of his behaviour and I have put some of them down here. This is both emotional and financial abuse isn’t it?

I am going to CAB today, to see what help if any I can get in the short term until I can get a job again. I am trying to make an appointment with the housing people for the same thing. I’m also trying to get some money together but this is difficult (when I do a car boot sale he insists we go out for lunch and I pay with the proceeds). I need to sell my motorbike, which we have been discussing for a while and I’m hoping I can put this off until I move out and can get it away, otherwise he will sell it “for me” and put the money in “our savings account” (read his).

I can’t change child benefit payment details until we have moved out, as this is currently paid into a savings account for DD which only he has access to so he will know if I change it.

He will stop paying me the “allowance” I am lucky to get from him as soon as I walk out the door. I know that he will have to contribute to DD’s care but will likely have to fight for this. Not because he won’t want to do it, but he will think that if he “gives” me no money I will have no choice but to go back to him.

I know where he keeps most documents, so when he is next out I will be scanning them onto my PC. I can get certificates, passports etc with no problem.

His redeeming feature, he loves our DD (he’s not very handson but absolutely adores her) and this is the main reason I have not done anything in the past, but it is now getting too much.

DD very upset and crying due to change in routine as first day at nursery. I forgot to turn off monitor. He would not take DD and calm her down so I could get dressed. Threw baby monitor length of landing and slammed doors. Got home from nursery just after 9am and he was acting like nothing happened. No apology.

Wants to put GPS tracking on my phone so he knows where I am.

Coming back from his parents car pulled out in front of us. P tailgated with hand on horn for about 1/2 mile. At roundabout cut right across driver and stopped. If other driver had not stopped he would have hit car where DD sits. Other driver drove round us so P got in front of him and braked hard to about 20 mph. All the while shouting at me because I asked him to stop. Got a barrage of verbal abuse about not supporting him. All the while I was trying to calm C who was frightened and upset. Then drove the final 15 miles too fast so D and I were rattled around in the car. In addition to this not being acceptable DD and I had been involved in a quite serious car accident only 6 weeks previously (we were mostly unhurt but DD is a bit nervous still).

Wants the money DD and I received after a car accident to be transferred into his account so he knows where it is.

Also very clear that all money is his because he works and I don't and I am lucky that he gives me an allowance. It is also his house as is everything in it. Of which I am reminded on a regular basis. He owns the house and has never wanted to add my name to it.

Telling me that none of our joint friends like me.

Whenever I do something he doesn't like he brings up my business failure. I had my own business which due to economic pressures I had to close – this was 4 years ago.

Won't let my friends come & stay.

This is a bit petty, but does sum things up. Standing by drawer where clean teatowels are and berating me for 5 minutes for not getting out a clean one and standing over me until I did it.

Lost my debit card recently. Been cancelled but transaction went through that left me with no money when out shopping for food. P lent me £50. Money was back in my account next day and I had to pay him straight back.

Going on and on about things he wants me to do not getting done immediately. "I shouldn't have to keep asking you". Usually it's something he could do himself. But if I ask him to do something and it doesn’t get done, it’s because he’s too busy trying to keep a roof over our heads (he has a very good, secure job and works from home).

We did “have a talk” about a week ago, during which I told him how I felt and that I had never been so unhappy in my life. This of course is my fault and if I did things right/his way etc I would be happy.

He has made some effort, but not much. He actually did some washing up and washing over the weekend. But then decided that the things he wanted to do HAD to be done on Saturday when the weather was good, and I could do the gardening on Sunday (despite knowing the weather was going to change). The jobs he wanted to do were all indoors. What he actually meant was that he did not want to spend the time alone with DD (the bit of garden I needed to work on is a very steep, terraced bank, which is not safe for DD to be on and she frets if left alone at the bottom). I am also supposed to be really grateful that he did these things “for me”.

There are more things but I think this is quite long enough. Am I doing the right things? Is there anything else I need to be doing? I have already told my GP as I am on ADs because of all this. We are not physically in danger so I am planning slowly and carefully, but if that changes we can just shoot out the door to my DMs but he will know that is where we are.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Mon 24-Sep-12 10:49:32

He is abusive.

You are doing the right thing.

What kind of support and advice do youhave in place?

mcmooncup Mon 24-Sep-12 10:55:53

He is abusive, foul and making you obviously scared - even though there has been no actual physical abuse - they often don't need to actually do it because the threat is enough sad. He may even comfort himself with the line "I've never laid a finger on you" but don't let that put you off the scent.

Have you contacted Women's Aid?

dysfunctionalme Mon 24-Sep-12 10:56:58

Yes he is abusive.

Don't worry about words, though. You know how unhappy you are and that this cannot go on.

Can you talk about your action plan?

Does he check up on you a lot, i.e. check sites you've been looking at? He may find this?

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 24-Sep-12 10:58:02

Yeah you're doing the right thing.

foolonthehill Mon 24-Sep-12 10:58:10

Women's Aid will help you and recommend a lawyer who can do a first consult free.
They will help you make a safety plan to exit this toxic relationship too.
benefits calculator will help you work out finances for when you are on your own.

You have my every sympathy, and support (virtual as it is). These men don't often change. they usually get worse and you are wise to plan a rapid exit stage left. You can and will rebuild your life and it will be better.

glenthebattleostrich Mon 24-Sep-12 11:01:29

Can you contact Women's Aid? www.womensaid.org.uk/

He is abusive and you are doing the right thing leaving him both for you and your daughter. Sorry no real constructive advice but didn't want this to slip and get missed. Hopefully there will be more knowledgable women along soon.

hazeldog Mon 24-Sep-12 11:01:48

yes, dfinately abusive. all sounds horribly familiar to me. get your plans in place calmly, stash a bag of essentials somewhere, contact womens aid to arrange shelter and very calmly walk out with your child when he is out of the house. switch your phone off and feel the weight lift off your shoulders as your world expands outside his boundaries. the details will iron themselves out in time but they cant get sorted until you are out of there.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 24-Sep-12 11:11:55

Yes, definitely abusive. He does not have to hit you to be abusive; all his behaviour is about power and control. He is seriously one really messed up individual with many red flags. You did not cause that damage to arise; his own birth family did that. What do you know about his parents and background?. That gives clues.

He has likely been abusive from the very early days of your relationship as well but abuse like this is insidious in its onset and creeps up on people mainly unawares.

Plan your escape with care and use the services of Womens Aid and a Solicitor.

BTW I don't think this abusive bloke loves your DD as much as wanting to control her too. Such men regard people mainly as possessions.

I hope you can free yourselves from him asap. He will completely destroy you and your child otherwise and he has done a bang up job of making you totally afraid of him. But there is still fight in you and you can and should leave.

When you are free of him I would suggest you get yourself onto the Womens Aid Freedom Programme as this helps women who have been in abusive relationships.
Such men take an awful long time (years even) to recover from and you need to heal; that programme can be part of the overall process. I would also suggest you read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft as this is all about controlling men and how such men operate.

cestlavielife Mon 24-Sep-12 11:24:51

gosh yes the best thing you can do for you and DD is leave him.

but i fear it wont be easy - however, make a plan with your counsellor/womens aid and move gradually forward...

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 24-Sep-12 11:59:31

Very abusive. Aggressive, bullying, controlling, financially abusive, isolating you from others, doesn't value your contribution, belittles your efforts, sees you as some kind of possession/domestic appliance. Horrible. Lots you can do from a practical level starting with salting away cash. A solicitor will be able to advise about child support and what claim you have on any property or assets - although that's more tricky as you aren't married. Women's Aid are also a mine of information. If you fear reprisals 'he will know that is where we are' then ask your solicitor about the possibilities to exclude him from your home. On a personal level, the more people you talk to about this and the more RL support you get, the easier you'll find the transition. Good lucl

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 24-Sep-12 12:00:28

"You did not cause that damage to arise; his own birth family did that"

Not necessarily. A man can choose to be an abusive shit even if they've had a perfectly normal upbringing.

Absolutely the right thing. Never doubt yourself on this. If you feel the doubts creeping in reread your op as if it was written by someone else.

If you feel that going to your mums isnt safe you could ask WA to find you a refuge for when you do leave. From there you can then get sorted with benefits and a house.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 24-Sep-12 12:14:04

Not necessarily. A man can choose to be an abusive shit even if they've had a perfectly normal upbringing.

A "person" can choose . . . plenty of women like it too.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 24-Sep-12 12:16:09

Yes, of course women can choose that path as well. smile It's simplistic to assume that all abusive people are the result of bad parenting.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 24-Sep-12 12:19:22

Who knows why they do it! A few I've known had issues with their parents for the abusive controlling behaviour they showed but then turned out like them anyway. Its weird. Anyhoo that's a whole nother thread.

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Mon 24-Sep-12 12:20:42

Hello lovely

My abusive XH used to tell me that all our friends hated me. I believed him for years.

No advice, but (((hugs))).

solidgoldbrass Mon 24-Sep-12 12:26:21

Yes, definitely very abusive and potentially dangerous. The aggressive driving is worrying: this is a man who is not afraid to behave in a very openly aggressive manner. THe most dangerous time is when you are getting ready to leave; it;s worth getting some back up in place as soon as possible (police DV unit, Women's Aid). You're aware that he's a shit now and he won't be able to convince you that he's a Good Husband and you are mental and should just shut up and obey him - you actually need a contingency plan from now on ie somewhere to run to if you have to grab DD and make a bolt for it in your nightie. That may well not happen, but it might.
Best of luck, you can get away, you can have court orders put in place to keep him at a distance and control his access to DD so that it's safe for her.

WildWorld2004 Mon 24-Sep-12 12:39:35

Good on you for getting out. Please do it soon but undercover. Theres no telling how much worse he could get if he finds out. Even if u have to go to yours mums & he knows where you are get a court order/injunction to stop him coming near you & your dd.

Most importantly of all is dont believe his lies.

skateboarder Mon 24-Sep-12 12:47:22

what an horrendous situation for you and your dd.
You are doing the right thing by getting a plan together.
Have you got anyone in rl who can help you ?

13YearsOn Mon 24-Sep-12 13:49:36

Thank you all so much for your replies. Haven't git time yo answer all at the moment but will be looking at the links and contacting Women's Aid.

What I will be doing is stashing stuff at DM's that I can sell when I move out. He won't notice thankfully.

DM knows what he is like but think I will tell my Dad too, as he can be if more practical help.

If I have to hide I do have somewhere short term I can go to.

giraffecrossing Mon 24-Sep-12 14:19:54

I'm really sorry you are going through this. I just wanted to say there is absolutely nothing petty about the incident with the tea towels. It actually sounds quite sinister, and reminds me of the film Sleeping with the Enemy where Julia Roberts character has to have all the bathroom towels lined up correctly. (sorry for film reference!) Stay safe and look forward to that freedom which is just around the corner.

everythingpasses Mon 24-Sep-12 14:48:23

He is abusive and you are doing the right thing for you and your daughter, it sounds like you have thought through a lot of the practical stuff, such as accessing all documents like birth certificates and passports. I'm no expert in this and this isn't to worry you, but I believe that the risk of domestic abuse increases at the point of the victim deciding to leave - if I were you I would simply go to a safe place whether it be family, friends or a hostel and then any discussions that need to be had can be done with a third party there.

What is the situation with dd's child benfits? Will you be able to retrieve the saved money and claim as yours and dd's to help you along the way?

Good luck and stay strong x

fuckadoodlepoopoo Mon 24-Sep-12 17:51:26

Do you have a timescale for leaving op?

The things you have said about him i find quite chilling.

ladyWordy Mon 24-Sep-12 18:11:39

Chilling is the word.

Waste no time, 13years - get yourself away from him as soon as you safely can. Do not wait for the perfect time, just be sure you're safe.

A man who feels entitled to abuse and threaten strangers who cross him is more dangerous than the average abuser IMO. I see this 'adoring dad' cared nothing at all for his daughter's safety or happiness during the motoring encounter - alleviating his temper came first.

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