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I just don't understand her

(9 Posts)
plannedshock Sun 23-Sep-12 21:32:24

This is a long one! I'm 27 expecting my dc1 in April, it must be because I'm having my own that I'm struggling with my relationship with my mother.
My mum was with my step-dad who emotionally and sometimes physically bullied me she knew all of this and her reasoning for letting it happen was that 1day I would leave and she didn't want to end up on her own. She had 2dc with him who he treated completely different. I hated my childhood I hate thinking about it. My dad fought for custody of me, but my mum moved us and changed my name without him knowing. I'm now back in touch with him but its not the same. My mum and step dad eventually split.
The reason im bothered by it again is she's moving house and told me she has some of my stuff from when I was a kid, I went to pick it up and it was 1 box. Mainly story books 1 fucking box, I felt like the kid that never was, there was so much of my ds and db stuff (who I get on really well with both)
When she was young she had a bad accident and I'm sure it's left her socially/emotionally inept, when I bring any of the past up she either pretends she can't remember, blanks the subject completely or moans she had it bad too.
The thing I'm struggling with is I know I will NEVER get closure or answers. She's not a horrible person, if I asked if she would do me a favour she would she's just incredibly selfish.
I've paid for so much with my ds and db for uni driving lessons etc because she's so shit.
I just don't understand how you can be like that with your kids. She doesn't know im pregnant yet.
Jeez this is a long post-not even half of it!!!

AnastasiaSteele Sun 23-Sep-12 21:41:10

I feel so sad reading your post, how horrible for you. Have you had any counselling?

I have a similarly shit mum and have gone no-contact so I empathise. Having no closure is a pisser, I often feel bemused

AnastasiaSteele Sun 23-Sep-12 21:42:02

Congrats on your baby by the way x

FatFaced Sun 23-Sep-12 21:46:20

I don't have any advice or words of wisdom but I understand how you feel. My mother is equally shit. You must look after yourself right now though. I think at least with the experience of having had such a crap mum you know what you won't do when your DC comes along. smile Congrats on your pregnancy.

plannedshock Sun 23-Sep-12 21:50:24

That's exactly how I see it, I've had the best worst example so as long as I do everything completely opposite I just might suss it!!

IllageVidiot Mon 24-Sep-12 05:07:52

Congratulations on your baby!

Be prepared for your feelings to increase when your baby is here and for continued evasiveness to cause more hurt and frustration (it may not). The more I experienced being a parent the more anger I felt at some of the things my mother did that had previously been eclipsed by the abuse.

I found I had to go no contact because it made me realise that she was not passive and benign and enabling abuse is actually a crime too but her self absorbtion meant it was very much less painful to her to pass the buck back to me. I was so blinded by major dysfunction that I didn't see the lesser until I was in a position to focus my past through the lens of motherhood.

Personally it gave me the impetus to give an ultimatum - you admit what you did and we work on a proper relationship or you're gone. You obviously know the answer! I didn't want the selfish, hystrionic, denial anywhere near my baby and it is so easy to be pulled into that relationship and all of it's damaging effects because of the F.O.G and habit. One of the best things I ever did!

I hope you end up with the result you want but whatever happens acceptance is very, very freeing.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 24-Sep-12 09:46:48

My view is that you can either waste your days being a ball of resentment about a past you can't change and a person you can't change, or you can put it behind you best you can and focus on making the rest of your life and the life of your new baby as rewarding as possible. You'll find, when you are a parent, that you will make some horrendous mistakes of your own. I've found that experience puts a lot of the mistakes of my own parents in perspective. Good luck

Firsttimer7259 Mon 24-Sep-12 09:50:36

just wanted to reach out to you. It is horrible to spend a childhood overlooked and bullied. I dont know about you but being pregnant with my own child brought back thoughts and feelings about this I thought I'd buried. I found an excellent counsellor and sometimes offload on the Stately Homes thread here. Good luck and congratulations

plannedshock Mon 24-Sep-12 13:35:31

Thanks everyone, I've been really "get over it, move on" but just recently been bothered by it, I think I'm definitely going to speak to a councillor just to rant! It's just a shame that she's my dcs grandparent!

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