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cheating husband

(20 Posts)
bumblelolly Sun 23-Sep-12 20:38:04

I have a 3 year old son and a 7week old daughter and have just found out that my husband has been having an affair for the past 6 months. I had suspicions for a while but decided it was my hormones and chose to ignore it, that is until I got a phone call from the other women informing me of the affair. It turns out my husband hasd seen her that morning to break things off so she phoned my as soon as he left her. I dont know what to do next, if it was just me and him I would have said get out and dont come back, however I have a young family to consider. I packed him a bag and told him to leave for a couple of months so that I could think. It has only been a week but I wanted to keep things normal for my son so he has still been about most days to take my boy swimming and out him to bed etc. I want to know what others would do.

We have a mortgage together, through his mum. This was written up by a solicitor but I dont know how it works if I decide I want a divorce. Do I have to pay him his half of the houses value or just what he has paid on the mortgage so far. I also dont know if I coulkd afford to be a single parent., I have a decent job but would not be able to continue to work full time and cant work out what help I may be entitled to.

I keep thinking I should just tell him not to come back and then I think maybe he should. He is a good dad and I believe he is sorry for what he has done but I dont thinik I can ever forgive him for it. The betrayal will always be there and even if we did work past it come August she will be comming to work in the same place as me so I will have to see her and work with her frequently. I think this will just bring it all back up again and may be we are better to split now while I can still be friends with him and the children are too young to understand what is happening. By next year my son will find it a lot harder and will notice the tension more and my daughter will be at that age were she will realise daddy suddenly isnt there.

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 23-Sep-12 20:41:52

Do you want to post in Relationships? You may get more advice from there.

QuintessentialShadows Sun 23-Sep-12 20:45:52

You seem very clear and level headed.

He clearly had no regard for you and his children when he chose to shag about.

I think you should see a solicitor, and bring with you the documents regards the mortgage to find out your position.

Also, why will his girlfriend come and work in the same place as you?

Any way you can influence it so that she doesnt?

howdoyouknowjenny Sun 23-Sep-12 20:52:23

Don't think about the practicalities whatever you decide to do all those things will work themselves out. All you need to think about is wether or not you still love him and want to be in a relationship or not

bumblelolly Sun 23-Sep-12 20:54:08

She is a trainee aneasthatist and I work in theatres. She is at a different hospital at the moment although in the same trust and they have to move every year, my hospital is her next rotation. I dont think I can influence her comming to us however I do plan on letting everbody know what she has been upto so that she will get the welcome she deserves. Also I have friends in theatrers at the hospital she is in at the moment so will be letting them know as well and I also have friends at the one other hospital in our trust that work in theatres whoe already know. I am planning on witting to the head of the aneasthetic directorate were she works as I believe she may have looked at my medical notes to retreve my mobile number. I am not sure at the moent how I can prove this though.

bumblelolly Sun 23-Sep-12 20:56:31

Hi, sorry new to this how do I post this to relationships or do I need to copy and paste or something smile

BurlingtonBertieFromBow Sun 23-Sep-12 20:58:26

Basically everything is split 50/50 but the children will have to be adequately funded so if they stay with you you will get more while they are under 18. If you are reasonably well off as a couple it shouldn't be financially impossible for you to be a single parent.

Another bit of legal advice too - don't cross the line with the OW into harassment territory. She could get disciplinary action taken against you if you try to set people against her at work and if it is judged as affecting her career.

QuintessentialShadows Sun 23-Sep-12 20:58:44

You can click "report" on your own first post and ask Mumsnet HQ to move your post to Relationships. - It is on the right side of your name in the top bar above your first post.

QuintessentialShadows Sun 23-Sep-12 21:00:46

I think you may just be careful about how you go about it, nobody can stop you confiding in work colleagues who are your friends. No reason why you should not raise your concerns with her head if you think she has been looking at confidential information to get your phone number.

BurlingtonBertieFromBow Sun 23-Sep-12 21:03:21

She could have got the number off your husband's phone. Just be careful. The fact that she has contacted you means she isn't afraid of causing trouble and I'm sure she will use any mistakes or indiscretions of yours to try and fuck you up. As Quintessential says, confiding in your friends is fine and no one can stop rumours.

blueshoes Sun 23-Sep-12 21:03:36

I agree with howdoyou.

Much as your dh is in the wrong, he is the father of your children. You first need to take a long step back and a deep breath and see whether this relationship is one worth saving before you kick him out.

DoIDare Sun 23-Sep-12 21:03:57

I think you are very wise not to rush any decision making. I think you would be wiser still to get good legal advice so you know all the options open to you. Then when the shock has worn off a little, you get get a little closer to,what you want to do. All dreadful really, and with a 7 weeker, you are still recovery from a pretty major life event.

Is he usually worth having around? We're you happy before?

blueshoes Sun 23-Sep-12 21:05:13

Kicking your dh out is in fact what the OW wants you to do. Don't play into her hands.

You must be in control of the decision. Take your time. But still see a solicitor, as that helps on the practicalities and you understand your bargaining position better.

bumblelolly Sun 23-Sep-12 21:11:00

Getting rid of him is exactly what she wants me to do and I know that as she has sent several childish txt to me plkus a long letter detsiling how they were discussing houses and tht she has met my son and talked to him on the phone etc etc. What she has been saying is obviously just to try and cause trouble and I'm kind of over her.

Regards to the work thing the rumour mill in the NHS is rife and I wouldn't go out of my way to harras her however I know that knowone else will go out of there way to help her either. Also if they all know it will be a lot easier to get swapped out of a theatre if she is in it.

BurlingtonBertieFromBow Sun 23-Sep-12 21:12:45

She sounds a bit Glenn Close. It's fine to request that you don't work in the same theatre as her - it wouldn't be good if you did.

QuintessentialShadows Sun 23-Sep-12 21:15:25

Dont delete any of those texts. She is harassing you.

QuintessentialShadows Sun 23-Sep-12 21:16:07

What does your husband think about all this?

Have you confronted him about her behaviour?

AThingInYourLife Sun 23-Sep-12 21:22:04

Who cares what she wants you to do?

Not kicking out a man you want to kick out to spite the woman he was fucking throughout your pregnancy would a very strange way to bite of your nose to spite your face.

You did well to make him leave for a few months. It will give you space to hopefully gain some clarity about whether you want him back.

If you'll never be able to forgive him, then there really is no point.

blueshoes Sun 23-Sep-12 22:09:25

Your dh is the one who broke it off with her. That suggests that he is still invested in the marriage to some degree. Of course whether you wish to take him back is up to you.

Abitwobblynow Mon 24-Sep-12 06:27:37

Your H broke it off.

Don't make any hasty decisions just yet. IMO you did the right thing in asking him to leave, but the next step is counselling.

And, yes, no matter what you do or don't do, it really, really hurts and that doesn't go away.

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