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Dh not a great socialiser

(14 Posts)
Chippychop Sun 23-Sep-12 20:28:07

Its driving me potty! We've had friends over this weekend, the kids get on and the mums do, yes it's a bit of foot finding where our Dh's are concerned but nevertheless the friends made a huge effort and were really chatty. But my Dh just didn't/ couldn't put the effort in. His tone and facial expresslons were that of a poker player and he just seems bored. To be fair he wasn't feeling 100% but he was just boring and annoying.. There I've said it. I do wonder if some of my friends think he's boring.. He's got a good job and works at a senior level with a big team under him but he's just not mr wacky and fun (not that i want him to be this either)and doesn't have that natural confidence. When he is with his friends he is more relaxed and chatty.
But honestly it makes me a bag of nerves wondering how chatty he will be and quite frankly I'm fed up putting in the extra effort. Am I being harsh on him? How can I get him to try more? I don't want to e stuck with no mates to socialise with.

javotte Sun 23-Sep-12 20:32:01

Judging from your post, I think you are being harsh. He probably feels very uncomfortable but you are worried about what your friends will think of him. Perhaps he needs to know people better to be more relaxed around them?

IllageVidiot Sun 23-Sep-12 20:34:57

Putting aside anything else for a minute what has your DH said when you've spoken to him about it? Have you told him that it is important for you and the DCs to be able to socialise and why?

What are his answers?

(I'm not being arsey honestly, I've been there to some degree and it's pita)

ArtVandelay Sun 23-Sep-12 20:47:03

If he actually has friends of his own then I wouldn't be unduly concerned. Its quite unfair to expect him to get all excited about people he's not really friends with - and he wasn't rude or obstructive (from the sound of things). My DH has to get to know people before he'll be the charming lovely soul I know and I actually really respect that. I think it partly comes from being in management, weigh people up, don't give yourself away too easily etc. Maybe when he's met these friends a few times he'll loosen up (or maybe he doesn't like them).

Your friends should respect your choice of husband and not judge so don't get so stressed! Or move to Germany - in my experience this is standard operational procedure for men here. The wives introduce and then the men all stand in a huddle making statements about cars and beer. After a few months of meetings they start to have conversations and act silly smile

Chippychop Sun 23-Sep-12 20:49:07

I tried very tactfully and gently to encourage him this this weekend and said I know you find this sort of thing hard don't you ?but he just agrees with me and clams up. Im nervous of making a big deal of it because I don't want him to feel self conscious every time we have someone over. I can't talk to my mates about it because out feels disloyal. I suppose I need to find a way of making it easier for him but how?

dequoisagitil Sun 23-Sep-12 20:53:14

As long as he was civil and hospitable, I don't think he's doing anything wrong. If he was rude or unpleasant, that's another thing.

I think it's unrealistic to expect friendship groups to always gel. There's no obligation to socialise as couples/families.

BollocksToKarma Sun 23-Sep-12 20:56:21

I think you should back off a bit, leave him alone to his own devices and he'll make the effort and conversation when he's ready.

As for you being nervous because of it, is your problem, not his. Get over yourself and stop putting so much pressure on you both.

You wont loose mates from it, if you do it wont be because of him but because of the atmosphere you are making. If you do infact loose mates because of him, then they clearly were not mates to start with.

ArtVandelay Sun 23-Sep-12 21:07:08

Ummm... just let him be himself?! You can't change him significantly so why not just stop seeing him as a negative reflection on yourself. Also remember, not everyone likes chatty people, especially when they don't know them very well. It can also be perceived as being a bit full of oneself or false.

Chippychop Sun 23-Sep-12 21:14:12

You're all quite right of course. I'm just going to going to try and chill out about it, onwards and upwards smile

ArtVandelay Sun 23-Sep-12 21:20:25

Good for you. You know my DH sometimes comes out with some absolute clangers around my friends but he's such a decent person in deeds and helpfulness etc. that it just gets openly raged at or mocked and then forgotten about. Good friends know that they, and noone else, is perfect, that relationships aren't like Barbie and Ken and its completely fine smile

IllageVidiot Sun 23-Sep-12 21:21:19

Do you give him an out? Or is he expected to be there regardless?
If he isn't impeding you socialising then could you do the special occasion compromise? Dh just didn't want new friends, resented his precious home time being eaten up with other dads that didn't really want to be there (apart from the too extrovert guys) and that became 'blank dad'. Once I explained that quite frankly I'd rather drink my own piss than put up with some of the socialising I did for him he made much more of an effort - it worked out well because we both cut down the time we had to be present 'officially' for the other. But I never really gave a toss how it reflected on me or us...and sometimes he had a point to be fair.

It would be nice if he had given a clue i.e 'I hate all the bloody arseholes' or whatever but could you possibly be making it a bit too full on?

ArtVandelay Sun 23-Sep-12 21:22:29

sorry that should have read 'that they are not perfect' - sounds really weird the way I wrote it. I'm a bit tired.

IllageVidiot Sun 23-Sep-12 21:23:48

Ahh fuck. Sorry too busy with the cork screw this end obv. Ignore me, as you were.

ArtVandelay Sun 23-Sep-12 21:34:44

grin at Illage. I thought your post was very insightful/true anyway smile

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