Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

does it ever work with a man who's 'Out Of Your League' in many aspects? (sorry, long)

(284 Posts)
allchangeplease Sun 23-Sep-12 18:35:51

I'm wondering how much does confidence matter in these situoations? If you had success with a man you (secretly) looked up to, was down to sheer confidence, or was it flattery admiration that worked?
A bit of a backstory. I've contacted this man on a dating site, I REALLY like everything he said, the photos (no Greek God but really appeals to me), he also (!) included a photo which was published in eligible bachelor section of a glossy albeit years ago shock, though he doesn't look as good now - he made a funny comment about that, and if you are wondering, it wasn't that that made me interested, I noticed the fact later in his long intro. He is obviously talented, he is a publushed poet, he states that he is comfortable financially and I just love his sense of humour AND his voice recording. He sounds kind and not dull like so many online guys. He also does sound very confident behind the humour. I was like that shock as normally I find very very few men online interesting and worth contacting and none so far compared for me. I know, I know, he may be an arsehole with issues in RL, as he never got married and he is approaching 50. But I want to meet him at least.
He hasn't replied to me first time round, so I wrote to him again blush after listening to his voice once more, thinking that it was unusual for him not even to ask questions, even though I haven't ticked some of his 'potential partner' boxes, but normally men like my photos (nothing revealing or overtly sexy) and at least attempt some dialogue. I felt I wanted him even more as he is a challenge. He said he'd prefer a woman with English as home language while I'm foreign but spent all my grown up life here, he also said she needs to be in or near London when I'm not, though I do visit quite often. He also wants someone with a good stable social circle which really I don't have as i didn't study here and just have a few friends, not a 'network'. When i wrote to him i explained that I know I'm not 'perfect' and then asked him, the second time, whether he is sure he doesn't want to meet. He now replied with an auto reply that he will write to me when he subscribes. It's very easy to sunscribe so you can send mesages, if anything you can do so for a week for under 10 pounds, it's been two weeks since mu last message and a day or so since his reply. Obviously he is not that keen.
Do you think it's worth pursuaing or eve nmeeting if he does reply? He is a bit on a posh side with his speech and looks, I just worry that English guys like this are really snobsat heart and even if attracted to a woman, just wouldn't see her seriously as LTR partner material? He is not the only example of a man I'm attarcted to but don't 'push it' out of this lack of confidence/cynicism. I always hide the lack of confidence by playing cool if met with lujkewarm response, or with just physical interest, but deep down I want to be braver and try a pushy approach. Did this ever work for you, when yo knew that socially and possibly financially he is of higher status?
Is it worth it or not, as even if you gain his interest you may have to prove yourself for a long time to him and his friends etc.? I do admire Kate for being so thick skinned what with the sniggering from William's friends, before he proposed. Yes, it's nothing like as this 'high up' in my case but on a smaller scale still applies.
If it did work for you, do you think it's because he just liked you and you didn't actually put any effort i.e. luck of the draw, or did the efforts you made paid off, and any advice in this case? Is it justa case of being brazen and forgetting about all the issues?

fuckityfuckfuckfuck Sun 23-Sep-12 18:40:14

You need to accept that he's not interested. You can't make someone want to meet you by keeping pestering them and tbh your lengthy post makes you sound a little obsessed with someone you've not even met. You don't like him, you like the idea of him. Just keep looking.

theoriginalandbestrookie Sun 23-Sep-12 18:43:32

I think you are getting far too worked up about a bloke you have never met and who is just not that into you and is brushing you off politely (english thing to do as we tend to avoid confrontation)

I would suggest that you start responding to some other blokes where you fit each others criteria's a bit more successfully and actually go out on some dates that way you will get a much better idea of who would be a suitable partner for you.

Also this is going to sound really old fashioned, but I met my husband through internet dating so feel I can give some advice. I would wait for blokes to get in touch with you rather than the other way around, that way they are much move invested in moving the whole thing forward and actually meeting you.

LemonDrizzled Sun 23-Sep-12 18:44:29

He sounds like a self absorbed knob. You have had a lucky escape! Find someone who worships the ground you walk on, not himself!! You need to meet lots of people so you don't invest as much in just one man. Be patient.

Leverette Sun 23-Sep-12 18:45:19

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mumsyblouse Sun 23-Sep-12 18:56:18

This is a ridiculous dilemma as it doesn't exist: you don't meet his criterion in any way (you are foreign, not in London, don't have lots of interests in common). The one key thing you need, before even starting to think about whether he meets your criterion (and how can you know, off a profile?!) is that he likes you and is interested in you. My friend has just read 'He's just not that into you', this applies, even before you meet. It's a good read I think if you are internet dating.

I think it's a mistake to spend too much time wondering about compatibility before you meet, just go on one short coffee/quick drink to see if there's any chemistry, and try to limit the time spent mooning over fantasy figures...

The issue of whether being with someone older/more sophisticated and so on is only an issue if someone like this likes you, I think it says more about your self-esteem than anything, as you do seem to be worried you are not right for him rather than if he is going to be good for you. Wrong way around.

OrangeImperialGoldBlether Sun 23-Sep-12 19:03:01

He sounds very definite in what he wants and - funnily enough - he's never been married and is nearly 50. I wouldn't want someone who was so prescriptive. And, he says he's well off (on poetry? Really?) but hasn't paid a subscription. Hmmmm.

Look around, OP. Why put yourself in the path of someone who would be a challenge? Why not look to see who else is around?

allchangeplease Sun 23-Sep-12 19:03:15

theoriginalandbest, thank you, great to hear you habe met your DH this way. I don't normally contact men on dating sites and usually let them contact me (the most I do is put them on 'Favouites' list). This is an exception as i liked him a lot more than others, but I do realise that he nay be a good actor and knows how to sound and rite well. He is very charming. I think many women would be taken tbh, not just me. He metioned meeting many women already through this site so indeed he is not short of admirers. Maybe he IS self absorbed knob LemonDrizzle! But he is not arrigant sounding in an obvious way so it's not clear. Do you think he really is?
My 'obsession' is only a week old, Leverette, I don't think it's fair. I only joined the site couple of weeks ago and did chat to others but no desire meeting them so far. I did agree to meet with one guy but I'm not really excited about him just curious.
I lived in this country for 20yrs so I know the English ways, thanks theoriginal grin, I'm really not naive but my question was, is it purely lack of courage that is stopping me, or is the courage no help with such guys? I may well drop pursuaing anyone like this, but it's bugging me that maybe I just never try properly with confidence. I have offers on the site from others, and get attention in rl, so I'm not desperate for any male attention but I don't meet men through work, so I'm trying online as I do want a mr.right.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 23-Sep-12 19:03:59

There are no 'leagues' to be in or out of. hmm Someone either likes the sound of you or they don't. If this man has too narrow an idea of his 'ideal woman' he's going to be single for a long, long time.

allchangeplease Sun 23-Sep-12 19:07:04

Mumsy we do have interests in common, I haven't listed all the boxes i do tick. I've been in r-ships with successful/sophisticated men (I'm quite sophisticated in tastes) but they were in RL when they met and fancied/liked me. Online is hard as you aer 'on paper' Do you think he would have said he will contact me later if he wasn't at all interested though? maybe he would be just silent (that's what I do when not interested, or say something like 'we are not really compatible' if someone persist).

tethersend Sun 23-Sep-12 19:09:15

There's a fine line between courage and stalking. If you keep contacting him, you will cross it.

allchangeplease Sun 23-Sep-12 19:09:22

OrangeImperial he has a job, poetry is a sideline. I have looked and am looking but I really liked how hesounds/looks/what he says. No point meeting if he contacts me, you think? He was on the site for ages, and subscription expired but he indicate he will renew, obviously not in a huge hurry grin.

allchangeplease Sun 23-Sep-12 19:11:32

tether I definitely won't contact again, this was twice but didn't know his subscription expired, and now he replied I won't contact until a proper message. Come on, guys online contact me up to five times when i don't reply! I've only done it twice, though yes, stereotypes work for women.

hatesponge Sun 23-Sep-12 19:13:22

firstly, there is no such thing as being out of anyone's league -unless that person is a close-minded snob. The heart loves what it loves, thats a quote from something not sure what. but it's true - ultimately looks, or wealth, or status are not that important at the end of the day.

however, this guy isnt interested. and thats nothing to do with leagues, or whatever. he just isnt. I'm guessing that you're new to internet dating, because when you get started it's easy to fall into the trap of becoming overly focused on the first decent guy you see, thinking they are 'the one' etc when the reality is that it's very unlikely they're even half as good as they seem on paper let alone the man of your dreams.

the truth is our profiles are what we use to sell ourselves. likewise our photos, they are the best we can sound and look, and you dont know how you'll feel about someone til you meet them. I've been on dates with men who looked almost nothing like their photos (some much better, some much worse), or behaved nothing like their profiles would suggest. that's why its better to start every email exchange, to go on every date with no expectation beyond that you will have a nice time, and anything more is a bonus. Many men who internet date are flaky in the extreme, they may come out with a lot of stuff about how interested they are pre-date, during date or even post-date but a lot of the time its meaningless. So its best to keep your feet on the ground and not build it into something it's not - honestly I've had men say before a first date they are falling in love with me, then post date I've never heard from them again! Hence why you have to be laid back about it all, and not put all your focus on one person smile

Mydogsleepsonthebed Sun 23-Sep-12 19:13:35

It might work, if he was into you. He's not that into you, so it won't. Sorry.

(FWIW DP might be considered "out of my league" as in he's tall fit and very very gorgeous but it actually doesn't matter when it comes down to it between us)

LastMangoInParis Sun 23-Sep-12 19:13:58

allchangeplease you sound sort of starstruck by this man (or your idea of him), which probably isn't a good place to start with any relationship.
I think you should read back to yourself what you've said on this thread, and ask yourself how you'd advise a friend who was taking a similar approach.

MadameDefarge Sun 23-Sep-12 19:15:51

ooh. i know all that lot. poets are notoriously tight. comes from starving in garrets.....pm me if you want!

theoriginalandbestrookie Sun 23-Sep-12 19:16:08

If he contacts you again and suggests meeting then go for it, at the least it should hopefully rid you of your obsession.

Mentioning how many other women have contacted him is not cool in any way no matter how its dropped into the conversation.

I went on a date with someone from the internet before I met DH. I had met a few other blokes and always was polite and friendly even if I soon realised that I didn't want to see them again.

He was part of a relatively famous family in this area, I made the mistake of having a number of intense and long telephone conversations with him before meeting him in person.

He was incredibly patronising, his first words on meeting me were "Oh you don't look like your photo" and it was definitely not in a good way although in those days I was reasonably attractive. I don't know why I stayed (and paid) for a number of drinks with him I guess it was because it took me a while to reconcile this actual man with the image I had worked up in my head because of our conversations, at the end of the evening he said "Thank you for an interesting evening" in a sneery voice.

In those days I didn't have great self esteem and it knocked me for six for a long time - that's what a date with this bloke might well be like, but hey what do I know.

tasmaniandevilchaser Sun 23-Sep-12 19:17:02

no point trying with confidence if he's just not that into you, you need someone who really likes you and then it will all just fall into place. Move on.

FWIW, my DH was always chased by the ladies, rather than the other way round, but when he met me, he started the "chasing". If you find someone that's right for you, it should just be natural.

I wouldn't spend any time at all worrying about what will I do if he contacts me, just keep looking.

MadameDefarge Sun 23-Sep-12 19:17:04

although its much more likely you are out of his league....

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Sun 23-Sep-12 19:19:41

allchange I agree with other posters. You are thinking too much about this guy, you don't know him, you are just attracted to how he sounds 'on paper'. Not surprising considering he sounds successful and there is a lot of dross out there on the internet.

But be realistic, how could you possibly make a serious and meaningful relationship with this guy? Apart from the fact that, as others have pointed out, you don't tick his boxes (and he hasn't reciprocated your interest), you are in awe of him already. This is a very unhealthy place to start from.

LastMangoInParis Sun 23-Sep-12 19:20:27

Perhaps your leagues are simply incompatible. Different ballgames. Leagues apart.

MadameDefarge Sun 23-Sep-12 19:21:16

oh, and poets are relentlessly self absorbed. not great catches. trust me.

adrastea Sun 23-Sep-12 19:23:36

Back when I had an online dating profile, it said very explicitly that I only wanted to meet people who lived in London. It said this at the beginning of the profile and also at the very end 'You should message me if ...' section. Few things would wind me up more than people who did not live in London sending me messages, either making no reference to it or saying 'I know I don't live in London, but ...' But, nothing, I'm not (well, wasn't) interested. I had my reasons and this guy probably does too.

You've sent two messages. A third isn't pursuing, it's harassment. Sorry!

AnyFucker Sun 23-Sep-12 19:26:38

OP, I am really sorry but you sound naive, starstruck, desperate and absolutely ripe to be treated like shit by an arsehole

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now