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I guess I'll be flamed, but HOW do u co-parent with an angry ex with Aspergers?

(34 Posts)
mrsasp Sun 23-Sep-12 15:11:47

His Aspgergers means he can't see that our son is upset. He will discipline him when he's unhappy or upset..
He insists on 50/50 contact. Our son is quite frightened of him.
He doesn't do any homework, wash him, meet his medical needs, keep him safe. The safety issue is random; he can be safe with him for weeks at a time then do something random that you'd never predict, like leave him in the kitchen with a small fire raging on the cooker....
He's so angry and so bullying; I daren't take him to court. He says he'll slaughter me.

I think you need to get legal advice and perhaps speak to SS.

TimeForMeAndDD Sun 23-Sep-12 15:36:49

I think you should take the aspergers out of the equation, having aspergers does not excuse abusive behaviour.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Sun 23-Sep-12 15:42:17

What the others said, get legal advice and speak to ss

I daren't take him to court. He says he'll slaughter me.

Do you think he means this? or do you think he's just saying this to make you not go to court?

Miltonia Sun 23-Sep-12 15:59:13

I am sorry to hear this OP, it sounds a very difficult situation. As other have said you need to see a solicitor ASAP and also talk to SS. If he is threatening you it is a Police matter but a solicitor will know what to do and how you should proceed.

How old is your DS and how long has this been going on?

TimeForMeAndDD Sun 23-Sep-12 16:00:11

He won't slaughter you OP, he has you held in fear right now but trust me, going through the courts is the best thing you can do. You need to get firm boundaries set in place, both for yourself and your son. The alternative is to not go through the courts and live with an unpredictable situation for many years, a situation which will take over your life. Do take legal advice, it is in your best interest.

NotaDisneyMum Sun 23-Sep-12 16:07:12

I understand exactly what you mean; my ex is very similar and I'm relieved DD is old enough to care for herself more or less - although the emotional damage is evident.

Has your ex had a medical diagnosis? Without that, there's no point getting SS involved as they will say that they can't do anything until something goes wrong. Similarly, I'm not sure you'll get anywhere in court if he can present a caring, responsible, reliable case.

I have found a book called In Sheeps Clothing by George K Simon very revealing, I bought a copy secondhand off Amazon.

Sassybeast Sun 23-Sep-12 16:23:29

Don't be scared by his threats. My ex told me that if I took him to court he would 'tear me apart in the witness box'.
Every single court hearing that we've had has gone against him. He rages and rants in court and shows his true colours.

Before you get to that point, direct EVERYTHING through your solicitors. do not engage in any 'debate' or discussion with him. When you talk about discipline, is that physical chastisement ? Is it excessive? if so, you can ask SS for support.

RabidCarrot Sun 23-Sep-12 16:28:49

Speak with a solicitor and don't listen to this stupid man, go to court, there is no way he should have 50/50 time with your son, he is not fit to look after him and it is your job to protect your son

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 23-Sep-12 16:33:30

Absolutely speak to a solicitor. How old is your DS?

mrsasp Sun 23-Sep-12 17:00:35

I have talked to lawyers, it is obviously not certain what the outcome will be if we go to court. They may paint me as over anxious as they probably won't understand AS and he presents very well, very high functioning. And cos he's adamant he's right he can sound quite convincing! Whereas I am a bit shaky and cry a lot!
His diagnosis is going through right now but not complete. DS is 7. Has been going on since Feb

mrsasp Sun 23-Sep-12 17:02:27

Not violent discipline. Just UNFAIR if u know what i mean? He can't judge intention so will assume any accident is maliciously intentional. I.e. DS spills his drink= big trouble for DS.
Also barks and is very harsh and loud, scares the shit out of me and DS

Leithlurker Sun 23-Sep-12 17:07:17

If your going to start using his AS against him then you will be in trouble as he or his legal team will just say you are being unfair. If what your saying is that his parenting style is making your child ill, frightened, or scared better not to talk about his AS which is not relevant any way as people with or without AS can be shout and overbearing.

I think your best bet may be to speak to SS. Have them monitor the situation and then they can say if its acceptable or not.

If they deem it not to be acceptable then you will have them to back you up in court. They will see through him and his bullying tactics.

Do you have any of the threats in writing? Email/text?

mrsasp Sun 23-Sep-12 17:14:34

I am worried about whether or not to mention AS. It does explain WHY he's upsetting my son. And it explains that it's not intentional. But the effect on my son still isn't good. Also it explains some of the safety issues. ie. he can't predict outcomes to a situation, like can't predict if yr walking next to a platform edge, hold small child's hand etc. (though luckily ds is getting past this sort of stage now, but there are other risks)
Lack of responding to ds's emotions is also explained by his AS but obviously I don't want it to backfire and judge be sympathetic to ex and put my son at risk by leaving him with him for long periods.

If your exs AS is preventing him from providing adequate care it wont affect anything.

In this case the child is more important, and whether intentional or not, he cannot be subjected to this environment.

The judge cannot keep a child in a toxic situation because its dad has AS. Ideally your ex would get support to help him parent.

Leithlurker Sun 23-Sep-12 17:41:55

Indeed wannabe, that is my point, he can be a bully and a thug with out AS. With AS he could and if I were to advise him, probably should get help to parent. In the long run this would be better for the child and the ex. However using the AS as a weapon is not a safe way to make your case op. As others have said the child is the heart of this not you or him.

I dont think the OP wants to use it as a weapon though. I think she is concerned and is backing up her concerns by explaining that this man has AS and is therefore more prone to these behaviours.

mrsasp Sun 23-Sep-12 17:58:59

He can talk as if he's a caring good parent. And to be honest that is genuinely what he thinks he is. So he is quite convincing.
If I had faith in the family courts/Cafcass system I'd be down there applying to court like a shot. It's just the knowledge that they often get things very wrong and things could end up worse for my ds that's holding me back.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 23-Sep-12 18:56:20

You don't need to explain intentions, just describe actions. It doesn't matter why he acts as he does. If it's demonstrated that he's an unfit parent, he's an unfit parent.

NotaDisneyMum Sun 23-Sep-12 19:08:04

That's certainly my experience - courts and SS act on evidence, not anticipation of what could happen.

If/when there is a diagnosis, this can be referred to as evidence - but until then, something has to HAPPEN for SS to take notice sad

LittleFrieda Sun 23-Sep-12 19:11:26

What do you mean by "his diagnosis is going through"?

Leithlurker Sun 23-Sep-12 20:09:28

NotDisney: Can you explain why any diagnosis would be evidence? And evidence of what exactly?

mrsasp Sun 23-Sep-12 20:34:29

Do courts take into account a 7 year old is scared of his dad? I doubt ds would have the guts to tell a Cafcass officer tho. He's told me he doesn't want to tell anyone.
His diagnosis is gong through, i.e. it's a longish process of a couple of appointments.

NotaDisneyMum Sun 23-Sep-12 21:21:03

If someone is medically diagnosed with a illness/condition/disorder that leads to impairment on their ability to parent - i.e. keep their children safe and free from abuse, then that could be used as evidence of the need for supervised contact, for instance.

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