Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

suspicion - how long is it reasonable to check up on your partner?

(84 Posts)
stuffitunderthebed Sun 23-Sep-12 00:42:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

xmasevebundle Sun 23-Sep-12 00:49:51

You will always have them doubts after his antics on his stag.

You should talk to him and explain.

I also think(not saying your relationship)you can try and 'repair' a relationship but sometimes they cannot go back to what is what. No matter what.

I would of got rid of him after he cheated but you cleary love this man.

I hope it works out xx

xmasevebundle Sun 23-Sep-12 00:50:28

*go back to what it is

itsallinmyhead Sun 23-Sep-12 00:50:51

IMHU you have mentioned that you are both making a go of things and I understand that he must prove his trustworthiness but you have had 'a good check up' on him now & have to either trust him or risk losing your relationship.

Best of luck.

stuffitunderthebed Sun 23-Sep-12 00:57:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

xmasevebundle Sun 23-Sep-12 01:04:10

Thats why because as you said yourself, the ONE time he could cheat he did. Dont beat yourself up about it.

I dont believe once a cheat always one, but some men are very sly. But your DP seems to be making the effort and trying to make it work. Everyone makes mistakes.

IdPreferNot Sun 23-Sep-12 01:12:56

You don't trust him. You have good reason not to trust him. So you snoop, then you feel like shit for snooping.

It's not a great basis for a marriage.

Not that a person should be battered forever by the same mistake, but it was a serious mistake with huge consequences.

Are you still going to marry him? Or have you gotten married already?

Triffiddealer Sun 23-Sep-12 01:26:57

He works set shifts in a factory, I pick him up. We spend all spare time together. No way he could ever be unfaithful.

Were you shagging other men on your hen night, sweetheart? No? That clearly explains the difference between you and him. That's the reason you still need to check up on him. I think you glimpsed his true self

If you are determined to stay with him, then you have to accept the life of the betrayed - that means insecurity and checking up.

stuffitunderthebed Sun 23-Sep-12 01:43:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

xmasevebundle Sun 23-Sep-12 02:03:21

I dont want to seem rude so forgive me if i do.

If your DP loved and cared as you much him, he would of not cheated. I am quite shocked by what you said, the only time he could cheat he did. Dont that say anything to you? So IF he goes out alone which he will have to one day drinking will you think has it done it again?

If so id leave him as its not healthy. Its not the excuse oh i was drunk its my stag. 2 weeks before the wedding he should be ashamed. Does anyone know why you cancelling the wedding?

Did he tell you straight away or did you find out?

Would he be so forgiven if roles was reversed?

izzyizin Sun 23-Sep-12 02:03:22

He works set shifts in a factory, I pick him up. We spend all spare time together So the one and only time he's off the leash, so to speak, he didn't waste much time in shagging another woman.

No way he could ever be unfaithful He has been unfaithful to you.

Or do you mean he could never be unfaithful again because you don't intend to let him off the leash again?

If so, think on. What if you have dc with this skank man and have to spend a night in hospital? Given that celebrations go to his dick head; will you be uber confident that he's tucked up in bed at home alone?

You are marrying or have married a man that you will always feel the need to check up on for the simple reason that he betrayed your trust by getting his leg over with an ow and he's capable of doing it again.

Triffiddealer Sun 23-Sep-12 02:12:38

We are a sickeningly happy couple in all respects - I remain mystified as to how he could have betrayed us like this> Seriously we are the whole she-bang... gazing into each other's eyes, constant texts and in jokes. We laugh all the time; all the entire bag of cliches.

OP - I understand that. And I know it's wonderful when you find someone like that. But...he cheated on you on his stag do. This suggests to me that no matter how nice the time is together, morally you are totally off the page with each other.

He acts completely loved up, but will still cheat first chance he gets, just before his marriage - would you?

He has shown you who he is, hun. The laughing at jokes and gazing into each others eyes is one side, the cheating is another

Your choice is whether or not to accept that. If you accept him, the insecurity and checking up comes with the territory Sorry.

Whiteworm Sun 23-Sep-12 02:14:08

Maybe, just maybe it was a one off and he waas a shit? Throw away a whole relationship on that basis? EVERYONE makes a mistake. Go with your heart. You know him better than we all do.

scottishmummy Sun 23-Sep-12 02:24:52

no more checking
either make unequivocal you're trusted go of it.or not
if you habitually need check him you're already flawed in premise and expectation

izzyizin Sun 23-Sep-12 02:27:35

It would appear that, as far as the OP knows, it was a one off and he was a shit to do the dirty on her, Whiteworm.

If the OP intends to act on your advice, I would suggest she lets him off the leash gives him ample opportunity to prove that he won't be led astray again before she marries/has dc with him.

Triffiddealer Sun 23-Sep-12 02:31:32


I don't disagree, but I find the way you put it sounds a bit harsh. I would put it another way.

He destroyed their relationship (they are all eye-gazing and laughing, but on the sly he gets his dick out and shags someone else at first opportunity). If he can't convince her that he's truly sorry, and understands what he did and explains why it will never happen again, so that she's completely reassured as to his commitment and loyalty, then it would be completely understandable if she called time on the relationship and moved on to someone she felt she could trust.

That's how I'd put it.

scottishmummy Sun 23-Sep-12 02:39:19

imo,if op wants happy,unfettered relationship. no more checking and angst is way to go
if a person intends to deceive,they will do so.irrespective of checking partners
op has to decide does she want to intend to be the checking up wife

izzyizin Sun 23-Sep-12 02:52:55

or the cheated on wife who's the last to know...

stuffitunderthebed Sun 23-Sep-12 03:06:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

izzyizin Sun 23-Sep-12 04:14:16

Aw, honey, don't be so down on yourself. You did absolutely the right thing in cancelling the wedding. Imagine feeling like this as a newlywed? It doesn't bear thinking about.

As I recall, he had form at the beginning of your relationship and his stag night shagfest indiscretion didn't take the form of being egged on by his mates, or being taken advantage of while in a drunken stupor semi-comatose state as he left his stag do to hail a cab to the ow's place.

I'm guessing that you've been too scared to boot him out of your home had no break and have continued to live with him throughout. No doubt you engaged in a surfeit of hot sex hysterical bonding which induces a state of euphoria and now that's worn off, you've crashed down back down to earth.

He took you for a fool and he's played you like a violin. Of course your pride is hurt. You feel like a mug because he treated you like one. He trampled on your hopes and dreams, the very same hopes and dreams that he professed to share and that's going to take a lot of getting over.

From what you said on your thread back when he did the dirty, he's drop dead gorgeous and considerably younger than you. I reckon you need to count the cost of hanging on to this ingenue 'trophy man'. Is he worth your tears? Is he worthy of you?

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 23-Sep-12 07:14:27

You can't monitor him 24/7. You can't control his thoughts or actions.

Affair proofing a relationship does not mean leashing him/her forever.

Establishing boundaries, understanding and working on your own weakness and flaws are what will help someone stop cheating.

He needs to be allowed out on his own - if he chooses to cheat again then you know for definite that he's not committed.

AThingInYourLife Sun 23-Sep-12 07:31:49

"In two years he has had just the one opportunity to be unfaithful... And he took it."

That's pretty much all you need to know.

The best thing about this guy is that he told you that all his eye-gazing lovey dovey carry on was bullshit before you married him.

You have no children to think about.

There is no good reason to stay with a man who plans and executes an infidelity just before you get married.

All this bollocks about finding out why he was weak isn't going to keep you warm when you are tied down with children and he has endless opportunities to meet women for sex.

Of course you are still checking up. Because now you know who he is.

Jemma1111 Sun 23-Sep-12 08:15:37

Op , the ONLY way many people will consider you a mug is if you stay with him.

You both should have been in the honeymoon phase of your relationship (obviously you thought you were) yet he still DECIDED to have sex with someone else, do you honestly think he was thinking about you as he was shagging her ? . No he wasn't . He's only sorry now because he realizes that everyone knows how he's treated you and the weddings been cancelled etc.

If you end up getting hitched and having kids with him , how on earth will you trust him when life's problems throw themselves at you ? Surely he'd be even more likely to cheat then if he's that type , and he IS that type.

Also, this girl wasn't a 'random' on Facebook as he knew her. He had her number aswell , for all you know he may have intended to see her again.

Sorry , but if I were you I would kick him to the kerb and find someone I could trust . You will never be able to trust him !

Numberlock Sun 23-Sep-12 08:27:27

Sorry if you find this harsh but perhaps you should also have counselling to find out why you think this is all you deserve from a relationship.

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 23-Sep-12 08:28:14

"In two years he has had just the one opportunity to be unfaithful... And he took it."

sad no wonder why you feel the need to keep checking on him and keep him tightly leashed.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: