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I'm NOT in an abusive relationship but SS don't believe me!

(166 Posts)
HeiferInCalf Sat 22-Sep-12 18:43:35

About a month ago I had a silly row with my DH over the phone about him being in the pub late (he rarely goes to the pub) and in a temper I decided to go to my mums for the night. She lives about two hours away.
DH came home to find me and DS gone, rang me to ask me to come home, I said no. He then rang my mom and said he too was going to drive to hers and take DS back. Despite me telling mom this was all just talk she rang the police.
They came over and asked me about 30 questions. Which apparently is standard procedure (things like does he hurt animals, has he ever made threats to you or your child) answered No to virtually everything as he is not violent or nasty. To cut a long story short the police classed this as a case of domestic violence which they automatically have to inform SS about. SS are now investigating me and DH. I've told them my DH has never physically hurt me, never threatened to hurt me but they REFUSE to believe me. Everything I say they twist to make it sound so much more dramatic. They tell me that night I was 'fleeing an abusive relationship' that 'I don't understand how serious the problems in my relationship are' because I was honest and told them that we occasionally row. ( who the F doesn't?!). They also tell me that if DH were to push me whilst arguing I could fall on DS and this puts him at 'significant risk of harm'.
DH feels like he is being unfairly demonised by everyone and I have to agree. The more they investigate, the more they seem to negatively elaborate every tiny detail. I've been very honest and co-operative with them so far but I'm reaching my wits end! So stressed!

VivaLeBeaver Sat 22-Sep-12 18:48:05

If Ss are talking about your child been at risk of significant harm then you need legal advice. I'd be in a solicitors 9am Monday morning.

Teeb Sat 22-Sep-12 18:52:56

I agree with Viva, I'd want to be getting legal advice.

MrsjREwing Sat 22-Sep-12 18:53:45

Go to Solicitor.

seeker Sat 22-Sep-12 18:57:58

There is more to this story.

You need legal advice OP.

Lueji Sat 22-Sep-12 19:04:10

Sorry, but you drove to your mum 2 hours away for the night because you had a row with your OH?

And he threatened to drive there (2 hours) to take dc?

I can see a bit from where SS are coming from.

And which questions did you reply positively in the police questionnaire?

You may well be absolutely right that you are fine, but SS are used to women minimising things (here too) and even lying.

Do get a solicitor. But also think carefully about your relationship.
Why did your mother feel the need to call the police?

dequoisagitil Sat 22-Sep-12 19:05:55

Does your dh push you when you argue?

Catsdontcare Sat 22-Sep-12 19:12:15

You say you answered no to virtually everything, what if anything did you answer yes to?

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Sat 22-Sep-12 19:18:42

Unless your mum hates your partner for some reason - and why would she? I wonder - why would she call the police? If I had a 'silly row' with my husband and to my mum's (who lives about two hours from me) I'd be lucky to get tea and sympathy. She would be more likely to give me a hard time about risking myself and my child making the journey (especially if it was at night) and would accuse me of overreacting.

Then in the morning she would send me home. No way would she call the police .

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Sat 22-Sep-12 19:19:08

drove to my mum's

LydiasMiletus Sat 22-Sep-12 19:23:50

OP there is more to this isn't there?
You answered 'no' to almost everything. Almost but not all.
What did your dh say when the police and as interviewed him. As they would have to in this case?
Do you not think driving 2 hours to you're parents because he went to the pub (and it's not a habit or a drink problem) was a bit dramatic?
Do you not think a night time flit is a bit disturbing for a child?

MrsjREwing Sat 22-Sep-12 19:27:56

Is it his drinking SS are concerned about?

Mydogsleepsonthebed Sat 22-Sep-12 19:30:11

How would he drive to your mum's to get you if he'd been drinking at the pub? Does he usually drink and drive?

There has to be more to this.

HeiferInCalf Sat 22-Sep-12 19:31:13

My OH has never pushed me when arguing and he certainly wouldn't while I holding DS. This is just such a 'what if' accusation though. What if I trip on the rug and fall on him then? Does the fact I own a rug put him at risk?

A lot has been made of the fact Mom lives two hours away but I enjoy driving. I find it a meditation, particularly when the roads are quiet. DH is the same. He used to do that drive everyday for work, so to him it's no big deal.
SS have said the exact same thing - there is more to this story, they believe I'm minimising things etc. I think they are so used to people lying they can't tell when someone is telling the truth.

I've given them access to medical records etc. in the hope that this helps as DS has never even had a bruise or a cold (so far, touch wood) and I've never had to be treated for any kind of injury that could arise from a fight etc. had depression 5 years ago, hope they aren't going to jump all over that now.

Will definitely get legal advice.

izzyizin Sat 22-Sep-12 19:34:00

'Significant risk of harm' is materially different to 'risk of significant harm', Viva, but if SS were to believe either in this or any other case it is to be hoped the child would be summarily removed from an environment that placed him/her at risk, or that any person(s) who posed a risk to the child would be removed from the environment.

Have you been notified that SS intend to hold a Child Protection Conference, Heifer, and have you been invited to attend?

If so, I would suggest you act on advice to consult a solicitor who specialises in child and family law and to this end you may wish to post on the Legal matters board for recommendations.

However, if your dh has remained living in the family home with you and ds it would seem that, despite what they may be saying, SS are not of the opinion that he poses a signficant risk to your child.

LydiasMiletus Sat 22-Sep-12 19:36:23

get legal advice asap
Look at this from SS POV.
DH in pub, you have argument, you drive (upset and night) 2 hours, dh comes home to find family gone and says he is going to come and get ds, this bothers your mum so much she phones the police.
Actually sounds like dh has a drinking problem, you are scared of him so take the drastic action to drive 2 hours to parents as you are worried about him coming home. Your mum is used to his temper so when he says she is coming he gets scared and calls the police to protect you and ds.
Why did she call the police if there is no history to this?
Again what did dh say to the police and SS.
And you son doesn't have to have had injuries.

LydiasMiletus Sat 22-Sep-12 19:37:51

OP you may find driving at night relaxing. But for a child it can be scary to be removed from your home/bed because your parents have argued.

izzyizin Sat 22-Sep-12 19:38:35

IME a lot of smoke can be created by those who are determined to believe the worst applying bellows to a tiny spark.

MrsjREwing Sat 22-Sep-12 19:39:34

Does your oh drink at home and drink and drive often?

LydiasMiletus Sat 22-Sep-12 19:43:59

Despite me telling mom this was all just talk she rang the police.

This sentence says a lot to me. Obviously he didn't just say 'i am coming for ds'. What did he say that was 'just talk'. Calling the police is not a normal reaction to a father saying he wants to come and get his child. If she had called the police and given him the registration number and said that she believed he was going to drink and drive, that I could get. But she must have told the police that she/you felt threaten and the fact you tried to convince her 'it was just talk' suggests that too.

quietlysuggests Sat 22-Sep-12 19:48:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lueji Sat 22-Sep-12 19:53:01

Izzy, and a lot can be hidden.

It's very tough to give an opinion either way because we and SS are not privy to the day to day.

So what did you say yes to? Does he ever push you during arguments? Because if he does, he may well do it when you are holding your DC.
And I don't buy it that driving is relaxing or you. At the end of the day and with a child in tow, having to pack. It sounds serious or very childish.

I imagine that SS won't do anything, but they may require visits just to make sure all is well and offer support.

Mydogsleepsonthebed Sat 22-Sep-12 19:56:15

How late at night was it?

How much did your DP drink at the pub?

Does he drink and drive often?

What age is your DS?

I called the police after an 'incident'. They didn't ask me those questions and SS were never involved even though one of my DC was in my arms during the incident.

MrsjREwing Sat 22-Sep-12 19:57:22

I believe that they enjoy driving, I know people that do.

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