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Should parents always present a united front?

(11 Posts)
ptangyangkipperbang Sat 22-Sep-12 16:27:00

DH says that I never take his side when he is dealing with DS. However, sometimes I vehemently disagree with the way he is with DS and find it impossible to sit by when he is constantly criticising him. Should I just keep my mouth shut and let DH get on with it?

Pochemuchka Sat 22-Sep-12 16:33:20

I could have written that post. Waiting to see what the response is!

wfhmumoftwo Sat 22-Sep-12 16:36:23

I think you should present a united front. You should agree appropriate rules, boundaries and punishments together away from the children and then back each other up. Otherwise its confusing for the children, not consistent and expectations aren't clear, and it undermines you a parents. Your children will also quickly wise up to it and play you off one another. Especially if they are young

LydiasMiletus Sat 22-Sep-12 16:42:27

I think you should. The exception being if the other parent is being violent or risking the Childs saftey.

You may disagree but, imo you should be discussing the issues when dc are not around. Otherwise you are confusing the dc and then they will learn to play you off against eachother.

izzyizin Sat 22-Sep-12 16:44:01

As I have no desire to be canonised, I wouldn't sit idly by while an adult constantly criticised a child but in the interests of your marriage which, presumably, you hope will continue long after your ds has left home and if you do not wish your him to exploit any opposing attitudes his dps may have in relation to child-rearing, I would suggest that if you and your dh are not able to agree between you to get on the same page in relation to your parenting, you seek joint counselling to enable you get as near as damn it.

ptangyangkipperbang Sat 22-Sep-12 16:45:22

I do think it's easier presenting a united front if the children are younger as the repercussions don't seem as great. However, when it's dealing with teenagers and the situation is escalating I sometimes feel that I have to step in. Sometimes it feels like DH is an extra child to deal with.

Yama Sat 22-Sep-12 16:47:36

I don't know what I'd do in your shoes as dh and I parent pretty similarly and are mostly united.

That said, I think it does children no harm to see their parents disagree from time to time as long as it is amicable. People disagree - model how to deal with disagreements.

Fwiw, I wouldn't put up with anyone criticising my children. Dh feels the same.

Lueji Sat 22-Sep-12 17:27:08

I think you can disagree with your DH, but then support whatever decision you both have made.

However, and particularly if you have a teenager, maybe your DH should refer to you when dealing with DS too, particularly major decisions.

For example, turning criticism into constructive criticism should not be undermining.
And children do need some criticism, just not reinforcement.

LydiasMiletus Sat 22-Sep-12 17:30:19

The choice doesn't have to be one or the other though.
Speak to your dh about why you jump in. Why you don't like what he does and come up with a solution.
I agree he shouldn't be allowed to carry on, but undermining him will cause problems in your marriage. work together to come to an acceptable solution.

meditrina Sat 22-Sep-12 17:33:32

You need to sort out with DH what you agree is the best way to deal with types of situation (and constantly update). This needn't be a big set piece Talk, more something you communicate about regularly.

If you think DH is departing from the course you have agreed, or if he thinks you are, it is important that you deal with it immediately between the adults, simply and quickly before anyone builds a straightforward incident-specific difference into a major rift. You must however do that out of DS's earshot else you do risk exposing divisions to him and that is a totally unnecessary complication.

OrangeImperialGoldBlether Sat 22-Sep-12 17:35:25

I wouldn't let anyone constantly criticise my son. I'd probably tell the child to go upstairs, then tackle the husband.

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