Does my DP respect me? :( Long, sorry.

[RatherBeRaiding]

Hi all. My first time posting on mumsnet, so apologies if I do anything wrong

DP and I have been together almost a year. We have no children together but both have a DD each from our previous relationships. DP sees his DD once during the week after work (sometimes more) and goes round their house for tea, has some playtime with her and then puts her to bed. He also spends the entire saturday and sunday with her. He works monday - friday 9am - 5pm.

This arrangement is fantastic and I see DP on some evenings, but by that time my DD is asleep or just going to bed and I'd really like us to start doing stuff together as a family as he's hoping to move in with us after Christmas (he currently lives in a bedsit). As his DD's mum has just gone p/t to f/t work too, I suggested maybe spending an extra evening with his DD during the week and spending 3 or 4 hours with us on a weekend, so maybe on a sunday morning come round to ours and then we could go swimming, or to the park, have some lunch and then spend the rest of the time with his DD and DD's mum also gets some time with her at the weekend. This is all sounding confusing to me, so I'm sorry if I'm losing you!

He said that sounded great, it would start this saturday ... well he had an opticians appointment booked this morning, I thought we could make that our time together this weekend and then have lunch at ours as my DD also needed some new glasses. My DP has been having some awful headaches since he started his new job (he's behind a computer all day) and wants a sight test, so this appointment was important. It was booked for 11.20 this morning, we were going to get the bus up together and it got to 10am and was starting to worry he had slept in, so text him. I heard nothing back, I rung at 10.30 to try and wake him up, no answer. At 11.10 I rung a final time in the hopes that he would answer and already be at the appointment! He finally text me at 12pm to say sorry for messing up my morning, he'd been up 'til 5am with a terrible migraine and had only just woken up.

My problem is not that he didn't spend a few hours with us, it's that he didn't let me know :( He has migraines quite frequently (especially at the moment) and has always let his XP and DD know that he wasn't going to turn up. He's always let his work know - although, even with a migraine, he 90% of the time will turn up to work/see his DD. When it comes to me and my DD, we're just an afterthought - I'm left twiddling my thumbs, worrying that's something's wrong because he's supposed to be here and he's not. Then I get a short text some hours later, apologising - he doesn't even call, even though I've asked him if he wouldn't mind calling sometimes, as texts seem so impersonal at times .

I feel so sad that he can either drag himself out of bed to be with other people/work, or at least let them know beforehand! He's had to cancel on me several a few times and he literally never lets me know until the 11th hour. My birthday was a few months ago, I was quite excited as he was saying he'd made me some special things and I knew it would be really thoughtful. Fast forward to the day - he slept round my house the night before, I was excited in the morning just to get a card for a change! He eventually told me that he hadn't had the chance to get me a card yet, and he hadn't finished my presents. I was disappointed (the last few birthdays have been shit, and my DD was with her dad at the other end of the country so no chance to celebrate with her) but I said I understood - he'd had a rough few months and had just moved house! Well it's three months later and him or I occasionally bring it up, apparently he's drawing something for me but it's not finished ... I doubt it ever will be. It wasn't about the presents for me, just the thought and honestly now I think about it, it feels like I'm not worth that much to him

He offered to make me a spreadsheet as I've been struggling with my finances and I am really cack-handed when it comes to doing anything like that lol! I initially refused the first couple of times he mentioned it, as I didn't want him to have to spend time doing for it, but he said he really wanted to help me out so I said yes. That was about 3 or 4 weeks ago. A lot of the time when he's home from work he complains he's bored and has nothing to do which is even worse.

Does he have any respect for me, am I worth anything to him? I feel like I'm a second thought to him, like he doesn't bother finishing my birthday presents or making me a spreadsheet because I'm just not that important. He's fantastic in loads of other ways, and I really love him and he says he loves me - but this morning has just made me feel so upset. I have tears in my eyes whilst I'm writing this, because it makes me think that I must be really hard to love, I'm fat and ugly and can be a real cow sometimes Am I wrong to feel this way? Am I being unreasonable? I don't know where to go from here.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think he should stay in his bed-sit. I'm not really seeing 'respect', I'm afraid. I'm seeing a man who is getting his priorities very badly wrong and is extremely unreliable. At best he's thoughtless, at worst he's taking the piss. In the early days of a relationship - and I'd count a year as early days still - most people are on best behaviour, anxious to please and all the rest. Something as simple as a birthday card is pretty difficult to get so badly wrong.

It isn't your fault that he makes promises he doesn't keep, it's his. You are not 'hard to love', he is letting you down. Saying 'I love you' is easy... especially if it gets you out of your bed-sit and into a nice home. You are not being unreasonable, in fact I think you're being over-reasonable, tolerating too many of these broken promises and cockeyed priorities, and making excuses for him.

I'd give him the heave-ho. You deserve a lot better than this.

[startlife]

I think you know how you feel - your instincts are rights. The opticians I could understand but to forget your birthday is just not OK. He would have known the night beforehand..yet choose to say or do nothing. That is inconsiderate unfeeling and thoughtless. Don't judge him on his words but on his actions. 'Love' is a verb - a doing word. You are supposed to feel loved.

This should be the honeymoon period for you both, the best it will be...are you really happy to settle for this for the rest of your life?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"I'm fat and ugly and can be a real cow sometimes"

If you continue in a relationship with a man who treats you as an afterthought your self-esteem will take even more of a battering.

[RatherBeRaiding]

Thanks Cogito. I feel better knowing that even just one person doesn't think I'm getting upset over nothing. I should say that if anything, he doesn't seem particularly enthusiastic about moving in here - I'm the only one that mentions it, he doesn't really say he's looking forward to it or anything. Gods, I've made a real mess here, haven't I? He says he loves me and he's cuddly, affectionate and will do lovely things like going out to the shops if I've got a-hankerin' for some chocolate etc but now I'm starting to wonder if he does the other things because he doesn't really want to be with me but is hoping I'll make the first move . That'd be exactly like him. He says all the right things but it's like he's just doing the bare minimum and perhaps I'm pushing too much too fast? His DD doesn't even know about me yet and now I think about it, I don't think he wants to move in either, he just doesn't know how to tell me :(

[MaBaya]

He doesnt sound like much of a catch!

[RatherBeRaiding]

Thanks for your reply Startlife. My self-esteem has always been pretty bad, but it honestly has been better since I've been with him - he's always told me he's thought I'm beautiful, but recently that's slipped a bit and he's been saying he's too tired for sex. To someone insecure like me, I automatically think it's something to do with me, I really need to work on that.

You're definitely right about judging him on his actions, not his words. It's about 50-50 though, if you know what I mean? I can honestly be a cow at times due to feeling insecure about myself, and I thought us moving in together would be a Big Commitment and would really cement that he loved me.

[HissyByName]

Oh love you sound so sad.

This guy is not doing anything positive for your soul is he?

End it. You.

You need to be cherished and loved for the person that you are. You sound caring, thoughtful and a lovely person to be around. If he can't be bothered to make you feel like the wonderful being that you are NOW, exactly when do you think he'll bother when he's wormed his way into your home. He deliberately waited until the day of your birthday to let you down.

He could have sprung for a takeaway or something the night before, by way of a treat for you, and then you could have gone out where he could have BOUGHT you a sodding card.

I say again. YOU need to end it. You will grow and learn from this.

[HissyByName]

"I thought us moving in together would be a Big Commitment and would really cement that he loved me."

correction: he's moving in with you, he's giving up paying rent on his BEDSIT and moving in with you.

cocklodger

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You've not made a mess of things. Maybe you've been too keen to see the next one off the rank as 'life partner' rather than keep them just as a casual boyfriend? I know how difficult it can be when you're a single parent... sometimes you see what you want to see rather than what's actually in front of you. If having a life partner is important to you, be a bit more selective and let this one go back to his bedsit, migraines and empty promises. If he hasn't told his DD about you, he doesn't sound like he's taking the relationship very seriously.

[HissyByName]

You are looking for scraps to prove that he loves you.

What about you? are you not worth more than scraps? you are digging around for any kind of clue that he cares. From here, it doesn't look as if he does.

Have you seen //www.baggagereclaim.com ?

[RatherBeRaiding]

Thanks everyone. I will come back later and reply, but my best friend has just arrived (well I say best, more like only haha) and will hopefully take my mind off it with her guy problems .

[RatherBeRaiding]

Although quite honestly I want to cry You know the worst thing? I text him back saying 'Still not even worth a phonecall, I see.' a couple of hours ago and I've heard nothing. Yes, childish to say that, but I was hurting. He's with his DD at the moment and when he's round at hers, I literally do not exist until he has put her to bed. So I won't hear from him until about 8pm tonight.

[HissyByName]

We only really need ONE friend. One good one. With a good friend we can get through stuff.

Talk to her, listen.


Take control of your life, you happiness and choose to be available for someone that really DOES care for you.

I've been seeing my boyf for 5 months and our DC adore one another, our boys were introduced quite early on, when Boyf and I were still more friends than anything else, but it's made life so much better and easier for everyone; the boys get to play together, as there is the 4 of us, we all make an effort to do things, go out, days out etc, where as when we are separate, it's easier to stay home, or potter about. After a year together, and if he is considering moving in, he ought to have told her about you, introduced you, to see what you are like with his DD, to make sure that she would be settled if she came to stay when he has his contact time with her. He's not bothered about ANYONE elses feelings than his own.

If you did move him in, he'd have to tell her, she'd be shocked as she'd have no inkling of it, it'd be a disaster.

Stop texting him, focus only on those that enrich your life. Your Boyf isn't one of those people.

End this sorry relationship now. You are worth more, and he is taking up the space where a decent man could and would be.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"So I won't hear from him until about 8pm tonight."

It's not unusual for people to be single-minded when with children they don't see often. However, that's the tip of the ice-berg. If/when he does bother calling back I'd be fairly straight with him... say you want to 'cool it' (do people still say that?), not sure when you'll be available again because you feel that he's let you down too often... and then have a nice weekend with your DD.

[dequoisagitil]

Truth is, he isn't that bothered. I don't think he respects you - he's not treating you even with common courtesy. If he can manage to contact other people about his migraines it'd take seconds to let you know as well.

It isn't wrong to feel pissed off and to have texted what you did - he ought to be falling over himself to apologise for leaving you hanging like that.

Pull back and drop the moving in together thing. He should make you feel secure & loved, and he doesn't. It's not right, and pushing on to get more commitment won't make you feel better - it'll just mean you end up living with a man who you aren't sure loves you and treats you disrespectfully and neglectfully, making you more miserable and insecure! FGS don't do it.

[BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts]

Can I get this straight? You are annoyed because he had a migraine and didn't wake up?

The present thing I can understand...but not you being pissed off about his migraine!

Also....if he is moving in with you soon why do you need to take his Saturday morning's from his DD?

[RatherBeRaiding]

Okay, I'm back!

HissyByName Thanks for the link, lots to take in there! I do find myself agreeing with some of the things I've read, particularly about the other person being ridiculously agreeable. My DP always goes along with what I want, even about plans about the future and it niggles at me that someone can agree with me that much if you see what I mean? Even when I'm being really bitchy and unreasonable, he still doesn't lose his temper or anything, it's actually really annoying lol! Not that I want him to lose his temper, just tell me when I'm being stupid and show a bit of passion and anger!

Cogito This felt different to other relationships I've had, I've dated a few times and had one semi-serious relationship since becoming a single parent and this is the first time everything slotted into place. I genuinely saw myself spending the rest of my life with him, but I don't know if he feels the same - I don't feel the passion or conviction, he just seems happy to plod on without moving forward. And I completely agree with your last message, sorry, I just meant more that I've got this on my mind now until 8pm when I can talk to him arrrrrrghhhhh.

I've taken onboard all of what you've said, something's going to change, I just don't know what I am prepared to end this tonight if our talk doesn't get us anywhere or I don't feel happy about it, I just don't know what I should be asking for - any suggestions?

Another thing concerning his DD that I should've mentioned - she only recently even found out her mum and dad split up, about 5 months ago. They decided when they split that they were going to continue living together as they have a mortgage and DP couldn't afford to move out and continue paying it. I think they thought that until something actually happened, e.g someone moved out or met someone else, that they didn't need to tell their DD and hurt her. Not the way I would've gone about it, but that's how it happened. We were extremely casual when we first started dating but when we started to really think this could work, he told XP and managed to find a cheap bedsit a few months later, however they still didn't tell DD 'til a few days before he was due to move out. XP really didn't want him to move out and when he did their amicable friendship ended and things have been strained since - she really doesn't want their DD to meet me, which is fair enough, but I get the feeling it would be the same no matter how long we've been together. I have absoutely no problem waiting until they feel DD is ready, but at the same time I think our DD's need to meet and get to know each other, and DP's DD needs to know about me and meet me too BEFORE he moves in! I keep getting told that it'll be sorted, but I have my doubts and I get the feeling that it'll be eleventh hour stuff again and if I can be honest here - they should've been fucking honest with their DD from the off, they've dripfed her (rather like I have you, sorry!) and I think this has been far worse than just outright telling her! Neither of them have put a positive spin on it at all for her and I know it's easy for me to say I would've done things differently, as my DD was a lot younger when my ex and I split, but imo she's had a bit of a rough time of it :( However it's not my business, they're her parents, so obviously I don't mention this!

Sorry for not mentioning all that earlier, I only mention it now because you're asking why DD hasn't met me yet whereas she's only known about her mum and dad not being together for about 5 months. I don't see it relating to my original issue, but it definitely makes up the bigger picture!

I really want to try and make things work, I don't want to give up without trying at least. We've been through a lot in one year, when we first slept together (even though we used protection) I fell pregnant but didn't realise until I was about 10 weeks as my periods were wonky and I thought the symptoms I was having was something else. I didn't realise until I was miscarrying the baby :( So yes, please, if you could tell me what sort of things I should be saying/asking tonight, I would really appreciate it. I feel really lost, I don't know what I'm being reasonable about and what I'm not, I know I should probably cut my losses and run, but my DD adores him and so do I - and I need to take one more chance, just one to try and figure this out. I'm prepared to walk away but I need to make sure I'm doing the right thing.

Thankyou all so much, you've all given me such great advice and support.

[RatherBeRaiding]

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts - No, not annoyed about him actually having the migraine - it's just that whenever he does have one, he always sets an alarm, gets up and rings work/XP and lets them know he won't be able to make it. With me, whether it's migraines or just generally cancelling on our plans he doesn't let me know until after the event which makes me feel like I'm not important enough. Also I'm not trying to take any time away, which is why I suggested spending an extra evening with her and currently her mum doesn't have weekends with her and she also works f/t monday - friday! I want my DD to spend a bit more time with him, she's does suffer from jealousy sometimes lol! And I'd really like to feel like we're a family, although truthfully I'm having second thoughts over whether he even wants to move in.

[RatherBeRaiding]

Actually, reading this back, it does sound like such a clusterfuck.

[perfumedlife]

OP have you actually heard him talk to his exp or dd whilst you are in the room? He sounds still married to me. All the agreeing with you is easy for him to do because he has no intention of actually doing any of it, and knows, or thinks, you will just put up with it. Sorry to be so frank but he really isn't respecting you, not as a real, long term partner anyway.

[RatherBeRaiding]

You know perfumedlife, I haven't, although as far as I know they all rarely talk or text, they're just not that kind of family. Never really thought about it though! He never was married but I know what you mean! It's one of my fears that I'm being taken for a mug and actually he's working it out with his ex, but I'm a very insecure person anyway so I try and brush it off because I'm sure the problem is me!

I try really hard not to overstep my bounds as the new partner, even though him and his ex split up two years ago and we've been together almost a year, I know how hard it is. I really just want everyone to be happy and the way I pictured it was us all being one big extended happy family in the future but I guess that was rather naive of me, wasn't it?

[perfumedlife]

If his dd only found out 5 months ago that her parents had split, when did your dp get his bedsit? Where was he living when you met him?

[BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts]

I'd do a bit of stalking myself OP...check he's not going home to his "ex" but I am a bit mad so feel free to ignore!

[tribpot]

God, OP. He does sound like he's taking the piss severely. I'm really not certain he's separated from his ex from what you say. Have you actually seen this bedsit? Could they be having a trial separation supposedly working things out?

I really think you need to back off big time - I don't think someone like this is going to be doing your self-esteem any good at all :(

In terms of a finance spreadsheet, if you post over on Money Matters you'll get lots of excellent advice - I won't go on about it in this thread as it's hardly the most important problem you've got.

I find this whole saga about his ex not wanting him to move out deeply suspicious. But I wouldn't hang about to get to the bottom of it!

[RatherBeRaiding]

perfumedlife - sorry, left that bit out! I met him through a friend, he was still living with his XP then. Things were extremely casual at first, but after going through the m/c we realised how much we cared about each other. It didn't sit right with either of us to enter into a relationship with him still living there, so he told XP he had met someone and he was moving out. He found a bedsit and arranged to move out so has been living in his bedsit for 5 months.


BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts - Honestly, you saying that makes me want to do it, I have considered it before :S I literally spend all my time with DD though, her dad lives hundreds of miles away and I have no-one to babysit for me, so we may not be so incognito if we both have to go stalking