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Please I need help :( so hurt and broken :(

(23 Posts)
Mama4412 Sat 22-Sep-12 13:03:13

Ok it's a really long story...... In April my fiancé left me to go back to his ex (who left him before after 3 years and broke his heart and they had a really bad relationship before, they fought all the time and they were basically over for a year before she got the courage to walk away) we were together for nearly 3 years and have a gorgeous lil boy together and were booked to get married in August sad so this destroyed me!!! Wen he left he sed it's cus he was still in love with her and I respected that I was broken hearted but I beer begged him to stay and iv not once tried to get him back or told him I miss him or still love him (I still do very much) well since he's left he's been a nightmare towards me, all iv done is try n set up regular contact with our 2 year old n he's been so difficult! Hes barely seen him, he'll see him once a week or a few weeks then she will kick off and he stops! She has told me that she wants nothin to do with our son and she's not happy that he has a child, ( I don't allow her to meet my baby cus after her attitude towards him I don't trust her) iv been told on loads if occasions that he's miserable and they fight and she's really aggressive with him, I don't understand why he's still there , we were so chilled and happy! Had a few rows but normal stuff never anything big! Well I found out yesterday that they r getting married next Saturday! I'm gutted really , y so soon? Surely they cus wait and plan like normal people they literally booked it last week :\ I don't understand!!! Did I mean nothin to him?? Y is she so against me wen iv done nothin but be respectful of their relationship!! I never text unless I absolutely have to ( which is sometimes once a month) a never call cus at least with a text I have proof of what iv sed cus wen I have rang him to talk about out son he rings her and tells her iv wen tryin to chat him up!?!? I swear I haven't done anything like that I have more pride!! Why does he lie?? Cus then she rings me shoutin and screaming that in pathetic n need to leave him alone etc.... It baffles me!!! Also he's spoke to my grandad a few months ago tellin him that he doesn't speak me as much as he wants and that his gf does his head in and that she goes mental if I contact him or if he even mentions his son in her presence!! She's a very jealous person, he's had to stop seein his female friends and goin out with mates!! I never stopped any of it, I was trusting..... Wat do I do?? In so confused, I still love him..... Do u thinks he's goin to regret this?? Has he lost his mind lol all his mates hate we n thy say in 1000 times better n looks and personality ..... Please I need advice..... Oh n pls don't be mean cus i honestly haven't tried to hurt their relationship I just want people opinion in the situation .... Thank u xx

Mydogsleepsonthebed Sat 22-Sep-12 13:05:16

He's not worth it.

glastocat Sat 22-Sep-12 13:07:48

Sorry love, but he loves her, not you. You have to accept it and move on. Don't waste any more time on him.

ThursdayWillBeTheDay Sat 22-Sep-12 13:10:17

He may well regret it in due course. He may well leave her to come back to you. Because he does sound like a boomerang boy. If he came back, wouldn't you be forever worried he'd go again?

You do have a child together and nothing is going to change that. So you will have contact with him and his wife will have to suck that up.

But unbelievable though it sounds now, you will get over him,and you will find someone a bit more mature and less boomerangy.

I can tell how heartbroken you are. Im so so sorry that he has been such a shit. sad

I am speaking from experience when I say that you really need to get over him. Its so hard to do, it will take time. But please dont live in hope that he will suddenly realise what he has lost. Hes playing mind games with you.

As for contact with your son. Stop trying to get him to do it. You are giving him chances to twist your intentions and make out you want him back. You should make him pay maintenance though. That is something he must do. Go to CSA if you have to.

All this is easier said than done, I know. But you have a beautiful son and through time you will see that you are better off without the mind games.

Go no contact for now. You are hurting yourself more by contacting him.

Inadeeptrance Sat 22-Sep-12 13:18:50

They both sound like a complete nightmare, I think you've had a lucky escape! You sound like a nice, normal person who doesn't thrive on conflict and drama. Detach and move on and be glad that you are free to meet someone who doesn't want to live in the Jeremy Kyle show.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Sep-12 13:47:11

When someone cuts you out this way it's very hurtful and when they cut out their own child, it's even more hurtful. But to sit on the sidelines of your own life, vainly hoping for things to be different or wondering why someone has changed their behaviour, that's just wasting your time and making you miserable.

Make sure your ex contributes financially towards the upbringing of your DS by using the CSA or the law-courts, and then drop all contact completely. If he's too cowardly to get in touch because he's frightened of the new wife... that's really his problem. That's the life he's chosen. Organise things so that you don't rely on him for anything and concentrate on making a future for you and DS. You are top priority now. Good luck

rosemarysage Sat 22-Sep-12 13:58:22

I think he sounds like he is trapped in an abusive relationship but has no understanding of the dynamics of it, or why he puts up with it, and he might not even see it as abusive.

He might be interpreting emotional turmoil as evidence of "love".

For some reason, on some level, he might unconsciously be inclined to seek out an abusive relationship (e.g. he might think he can save her, or if only he had tried harder she would be nicer and so on). Do you know anything about his background? If he grew up in an abusive household he might think it is normal and not really see how bad it is.

A lot of abusive people try to tie the knot quickly (so they can have even more control) so that is no surprise, I wouldn't really take it as evidence that he didn't care about you.

He might also be suffering from a degree of Stoklholm Syndrome, where the person who is entrapped and abused by someone ends up taking the side of the abuser, even against themselves (for example they might have thoughts like "they are angry, I must have done something wrong")

But for your own health's sake trying to get some emotional distance would be good as this rubbish could go on for years. He is likely to let you down over and over again so long as he is with her, as he will put her demands above everything else. He has to really want to get out of the situation, and go for some serious counselling or something similar in order to sort himself out emotionally before he would be ready for a relationship.

But since you have a son it is not as easy as cutting contact. Can you contact him just by text or e-mail or something for a while, if you find that less stressful? I agree with you about not wanting her around your son as she sounds off her head, and I would be worried about her being mean to your son. Unfortunately it will be difficult to keep her away from your son in the long run. I will look up some links for you about men in abusive reationships in case they help.

I was in a relationship with someone who had left an abusive marriage, who went ballistic when he told her about me. He stood his ground initially but she got nastier and nastier (they had children together and she stopped him seeing them and did some other nasty things) and eventually he broke up with me, mostly from the stress of it all as far as I could see.

Like you we had an easy-going relationship and we had not even had an argument, ever! He asked to remain friends (which was a bad idea for me as it happens as it was too confusing) but then out of the blue he cut me off after a few weeks without explanation, and stopped answering texts. I was hurt initially but I now realise it was really his issue and not mine.

She may have made it a condition, or he may have gone back to her, I have no idea. The last time I saw him I could see very clearly that he was being played, but I don't think he could see this. With a cycle of abuse there can be such relief when the abusive person seems to be behaving ok and "nice" that the abused person can almost forget the bad times, or think this time if they do everything "right" it will work out ok.

In reality the abusive person will always find something to complain about, some new thing to find fault with, or new way to be manipulative so it is never ending. Personally I always find myself more nervous when I am around a volatile person when they are being "nice" as I am waiting for the axe to fall, and sometimes they up-the-nice in order to increase their powers of manipulation.

Anyway not sure if anything I have said is helpful. At least for me I did not have a child with the person, and it wasn't as long a relationship as yours.

rosemarysage Sat 22-Sep-12 14:08:33

oops just re-read your original message where you say you don't call. I don't really know what to suggest then. Would it be possible not to text at all for a while? Would it be better to let him contact you about arrangements to see his son? This would put more of the onus on him to take some responsibility, and remove some of her ammunition (though she sounds like she would make an argument of anything and nothing anyway).

I second the comments about making sure you get some child-maintenance payments. This might make things easier in some ways for your ex as she can kick up all she likes but couldn't stop the payments, and it might somehow make it easier for him to retain contact with your son. This could be wishful thinking on my part though, and I have not been in your situation so don't really know what would work for the best.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Sep-12 14:15:04

rosemarysage... I'm sure he's capable of making all kinds of excuses for dropping the OP and her DS in the shit from a great height, but he's made his bed and now he has to lie in it. He is no longer the OP's problem aside from being a millstone around her neck.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Sat 22-Sep-12 14:22:47

You sound really, really hurt and it's horrible, but people are right, you are only hurting yourself more by hoping he will come back. It does sound like he loves her, whether their relationship is good or bad is irrelevant. You and your feelings for him are a good example of the fact that we don't love people because they deserve it, but because we can't help it. However much of a cow she is, he loves her.

The sooner you accept this, the better for you. If you move on, one day you will wake up with someone else who makes you happy. In the meantime you have your lovely son. Focus on him, and being a great parent to him, because his father sounds useless.

Mama4412 Sat 22-Sep-12 17:38:00

Thanks all of u! It's so hard to hear that I shud forget him but I know deep down its the truth and I am grateful for it honesty!.... I just feel like iv failed my lil boy sad I shud of been able to do something to stop all this cus he deserves a daddy around all the time and someone who he can look up to and loves him as much as i do sad he's such a good boy he deserves a full family .... I never imagined this Wud happen to him! He's fine as he's only 22 months old but still.... I'm scared that I won't meet someone who Wud care for him as much as he deserves sad I hear all these horror stories about horrible step parents sad I was very lucky that my stepdad is brilliant but I know of others that r horrid ..... I love my baby so much I just want to the best for him

Mydogsleepsonthebed Sat 22-Sep-12 17:41:37

You know, no matter how much we love someone, we just CAN'T make them love us back. it's a hard lesson to learn.

tribpot Sat 22-Sep-12 17:46:14

Your ex is a person who makes his own choices. You have not failed your little boy. You haven't left.

dequoisagitil Sat 22-Sep-12 17:48:15

Don't worry about providing a father-figure for your son - if you have a brilliant stepdad yourself, he can be a brilliant grandpa & male influence for your child.

You cannot force your ex to be a part of his life, but maybe when things settle down, he will want to make that effort. But don't wait around for the day.

Mydogsleepsonthebed Sat 22-Sep-12 17:48:34

And like it or not, your ex does not have to stay in a relationship with you. No one should ever have to stay if it's not working for them. He had the right to leave. What he doesn't have the right to do is walk away from his relationship with his child. But he didn't have to stay with you. Sorry.

Your little boy will be fine, because he has you. You can't make your ex love you, or be a decent father, sadly sad. But you'll be ok. I can tell by the way you're putting your child first. It'll hurt for a while, but it will get less and less.

LydiasMiletus Sat 22-Sep-12 18:04:36

You are not to blame at all.
But there is nothing you can do. She sounds controlling, he sounds like he is fueling it by telling her things about you (she then calls and screams at you). Its a toxic relationship.
They are getting married so she can prove to you that just because you have a child with him you are not more important. Simple.
In a couple of years they will be divorced, possibly had a child that will affected by their toxic relationship. He will (either before or after they split) try and tell you that it was a mistake and she is evil and he loves you. You will have moved on and be happy, either alone or in a new relationship.

What you don't want is anyone, in anyway, twisting things and making it look like you are to blame.

Good luck OP, you WILL be happy.

rosemarysage Sat 22-Sep-12 20:52:19

Mama4412 this is definitely not your fault and there is nothing you could have done to stop this. He is at fault for letting down his son. As for the relationship, you can't make someone want to be in a relationship (though you must be in shock about the break-up, is there anyone you can talk to about it?).

If you can maybe let go of the hope that he will come back it will help you move on. To be honest the way he is behaving now anyway is not good enough and he doesn't deserve you. Abused and confused or not he should prioritising his child over the relationship. He should have broken up with her the minute she was making the father-son relationship difficult for him.

I don't think the onus is on you to try to make him be a good dad either. He has to step up and do that himself.

Just to clarify I was not trying to make any excuses for him in my above post, or suggest the OP has any responsibility towards her ex. I found it useful myself to be aware of some of the dynamics of abusive relationships, and it might be more important for the OP as there might be some ongoing contact. Basically it is not you Mama4412 it is him.

He is an adult who is making a bad choice, but he needs to come to this understanding himself. Mama4412 you don't want to get dragged into toxic arguments and situations (where they are likely to paint you as the bad one) so this is another reason to keep some distance.

I think what LydiasMiletus2 has written is very true and things will more than likely turn out that way.

Abitwobblynow Sat 22-Sep-12 20:58:35

People confuse intensity and drama, for passion and love.

You sound a really, really lovely person. He has turned away from a kind and normal person for the drama filled one.

But that is his choice, it fills a need in him and it has NOTHING to do with you.

I hope you find a lovely bloke who will care for the wonderful person you are. Good luck.

izzyizin Sun 23-Sep-12 02:19:51

It would seem you became pregnant within a few months of meeting this man. Was this was something you planned together?

MableLabel Sun 23-Sep-12 07:42:03

I'm sorry but he sounds like an absolute coward who loves the feeling that a woman will cause such drama over him (her, not you) and loves being the centre of attention. He's weak - he tells people whatever they want to hear. He tells you she's mental and controlling. I am sure that he tells her the same about you. He's spineless and one day will be left all alone because people will eventually see straight through him. You, however, will find happiness with a decent man. You sound like you thoroughly deserve that.

Mama4412 Sun 23-Sep-12 09:16:49

Izzyizin it's kinda strange! We planned to have kids but I feel pregnant unexpectedly but we were thrilled! He was over the moon and never showed any sign of him feelin pressure or anything!

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