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So this is a letter I've written to my husband, what do you all think?

(20 Posts)
ASheepInWolfsClothing Fri 21-Sep-12 19:05:58

So for years I've had to "ask" for help around the house or for extra money, over and above the house keeping that you give me. Always it was met with a big sigh and a tut (even though it was for things that were needed for the kids or home) I will tell you now that over the years that sigh and tut have worn me down. We are a couple, it took me too long to realise that it's our money not just yours because you earn more than me. 
Then throw into the mix the times I have felt totally unsupported in times of need. Times that I really needed you to step up and be there for me but that didn't happen. 
Now the hygiene issue, it shows no respect for me or the kids, I'm pretty sure that people who only know you and not us either feel sorry for us or think we must be the same?! 
It's not even that I've buried my head in the sand all this time, over the years I have tried to talk to you. I've even written you letters - did you even read them? 
The early days were so hard for me, I lost my mother found out we were having a baby and you carried on drinking and staying out half the night. 
I let it go I realised I was more mature than you ( not an insult but fact ). My friend used to ask why i put up with it and i always defended you saying that you would grow up eventually. 
Never once have you said sit down I'll do it... Whatever "it" was. 
So I've tried to talk to you over the last few days and you either can't or won't. You know I'm angry about it all but you don't want to fight for our marriage, actions speak louder than words, and your actions have not changed.

I hope this all came out right, I've c&p from the original. I just started writing and couldn't stop. I haven't given it to him yet.

waltermittymissus Fri 21-Sep-12 19:08:51

What is it that you want from the letter ASheeps? Do you want him to change or are you telling him your marriage is over?

Sad to say but if he hasn't changed yet he may never do.

There seems to be a world of issues going on, not least his drinking. I do hope you're ok. Have you tried counselling? How old are your children?

DuchessOfAvon Fri 21-Sep-12 19:13:59

You honestly want to know what I think?

I think you are letting off steam - its a dump onto the paper of everything that is driving you insane. In terms of what it will say to him - it'll just be a stream of recriminations.

What are you trying to achieve by actually giving it to him? There is nothing here about what you want to happen - get him to talk to you, change a behavior, what?

Clearly there is history and a good deal of frustration here. Having got the first lot of it off your chest, can you work out what you actually want to have happen as a result of handing him a letter (especially when you say that he doesn't read them anyway)?

NatashaBee Fri 21-Sep-12 19:19:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Teansympathy Fri 21-Sep-12 19:20:21

Are you wanting and trying to find the courage to stand up to him and leave?, if so I do hope you have a good friend who can support you through this it will not be easy, if not and you want him to read the letter , do you think he will if he has not done so before?, all i can say is this is a cry for help what you want to come out of it is your choice i wish the very best and hope you get the respect you deserve having been a good wife to him all these years and he is oblivous to that fact, good luck

ASheepInWolfsClothing Fri 21-Sep-12 19:35:26

What do i want ? All of the above really , letting off steam yes, but I suppose what I'm really doing is working up the courage to tell him it's over.
This man has never supported me emotionally and here I am worrying if he will be ok?

I'm lucky I have a great support network around me but I want to wait until its over before I tell everyone I need to come to terms with it myself first.

waltermittymissus Fri 21-Sep-12 19:47:13

What's holding you back ASheep?

It sounds like there's nothing in this relationship for you anymore. It takes guts to make the decision to leave so you're already on a good road. Make sure you use that support network too!

AnyFucker Fri 21-Sep-12 19:50:17

my honest opinion ?

leave the letter on the kitchen table if you must, as you leave him for good

if this is simply another pointless appeal to his better nature, you are just wasting more of your life

ASheepInWolfsClothing Fri 21-Sep-12 19:52:11

I know AF , I know.

JeanBodel Fri 21-Sep-12 19:52:26

FWIW, my advice would be: never hand your husband a letter to read.

You've obviously got a lot of issues with your husband and you need to discuss them. But hand him a letter and you won't get anywhere. Whatever you write, it will always be one-sided and he will therefore feel as if he is under attack. And will therefore react defensively or agressively depending on his personality.

Say it to his face.

ASheepInWolfsClothing Fri 21-Sep-12 20:56:28

Problem is he won't even talk about any problems that may have started off small but have become huge now.

AnyFucker Fri 21-Sep-12 21:00:24

yes

and this would make you want to keep talking to him because ....?

I don't know sometimes a letter can work better for some people, the other person cant argue with a letter, the writer can read and reread it for unfair or hurtful comments before handing it over, keep it clear and to the point.

the other person gets to read it written down which sometimes makes it clearer, like reading advice on here really.

I agree with the 'say it to his face' in a way, but i would say, hand it over, go out, let him digest it, then go back when you feel ready for whatever it may have brought about, and ready to discuss it.

I also find communicating things that piss me off to anyone, and prefer to write things down, some may see it as bottling it, or people pleasing, whatever floats their boat as long as i've got my point across without it turning into a row, i don't care.

ASheepInWolfsClothing Fri 21-Sep-12 22:02:23

I really appreciate the replies it helps to be able to talk things through here.
He's away with work tonight so the atmosphere is relaxed smile I feel like a different person when he's not around.

AnyFucker Fri 21-Sep-12 22:05:02

think how great it would be if you could feel like that all the time

you could, it is nothing less than you deserve

you don't have to stay in this relationship, it isn't compulsory

you can leave it any time you like

the world will carry on turning

startlife Sat 22-Sep-12 23:28:07

I can relate to some of what you have written. Is your H a passive aggressive? I'm at the same point as you - I've made the decision to leave but it will involve a big upheaval for dc's so I need to think it through.

People can change but you can't make people change. It would be good if the letter made him sit up and change his behaviour but I think it's unlikely. He knows you are upset - why hasn't that been enough motivation for him to change??

My H uses phrases such as "I'm sorry you feel like that", rather than "I'm sorry I've caused xyz". He won't take responsibility for the hurt he has caused and I think that's the first step in changing. Does your H acknowledge the issues?

Walkacrossthesand Sat 22-Sep-12 23:45:46

Gosh, startlife, does your H work in a complaints dept?! That 'sorry you feel that way' is such a non-apology , and to use it in the home setting - well! words fail me!

LydiasMiletus Sat 22-Sep-12 23:58:52

Your letter needs to simply say 'we are over. I am divorcing you'.
That's it.

Abitwobblynow Mon 24-Sep-12 13:17:35

"This man has never supported me emotionally and here I am worrying if he will be ok?"

This, and the pointless appealing to his better nature, are two things I struggle with.

I need a good AF kick up the arse too smile

You seem stronger though OP. How are you feeling?

ElizabethX Mon 24-Sep-12 13:44:06

I agree with everyone who said what are you trying to get out of this.

If the situation is fixable, then set out what for you would fix it and what happens if it's not fixed. If what happens is that you leave, then be sure you can, and do so. Have all that sorted before writing any letter.

If the situation isn't fixable then what's the letter for?

If you just need to vent, then on some level you must care what your ex thinks of you, or imagine that he'll care what you think of him. Arguing on your way out of the door is like re-running arguments you had last week in which this time you get to win. Feels nice but the other person isn't paying any attention, so pay him none in return.

I'd just crystallise it, blow out of there with nothing more than LydiasMiletus' words said.

I like your style Lydias, why mess about eh?

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