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what now? help required please

(13 Posts)
backtofront Fri 21-Sep-12 15:22:58

Hello, I would really appreciate some wise MN advice quite urgently please.
DP is a emotionally and verbally abusive man and without going into detail his behaviour has deteriorated recently and I am now seriously scared. We have a child together who is suffering from the atmosphere.

We are buying a house together (which is in both our names) and are paying off the mortgage from a joint back account. I would like to buy him out and just give him the money and ask him to go, but it will take time to raise the money and the situation is complicated by our child, so cannot be as cut and dried as I would have liked.

I am finding it difficult to handle the situation and actually don't know how to cope until I have the money to buy him out. I don't want to leave the house and I am afraid to ask him to. What can I do?

thanks in advance for your help

backtofront Fri 21-Sep-12 15:24:22

PS I have suggested couples counselling (partially to buy time and to let him see a third party's reaction to his behavious) which he has agreed to but I have seen in other threads that this is not recommended in cases of EA.

cestlavielife Fri 21-Sep-12 15:27:15

you need to speak to a solicitor about TOLATA (trusts of land) as you not married ivin all detaisl o house, mortgage, euity, you income, his income etcetc
and childrens act (which is about providing for the children, possibly from his share of the equity.

in the meantime you need to report any incidents which are scaring you to the police - go along and ask to speak to a domestic violence officer

and call womens aid helpline to talk about it .

if you are scared of immediate behaviour call 999. (you need a record of his behaviour and if you or child is in danger you need to call 999 and report it )

cestlavielife Fri 21-Sep-12 15:27:35

no to joint counselling

yes to seeing someone for you

backtofront Fri 21-Sep-12 15:28:40

thanks, I will see what I can do. I have been handicapped in the past by feeling sorry for him and excusing his behaviour due to his background but those days are gone!

backtofront Fri 21-Sep-12 15:29:46

ok thanks, that's what I thought too

solidgoldbrass Fri 21-Sep-12 15:30:07

If you are frightened that he will harm you or your child, talk to the local police DV unit, either to ask their advice or to get them to note your address as a priority if they recieve a call from you. Depending on how dangerous they percieve him to be, they might suggest you get an immediate occupation order for the house and then they will come and physically remove him - you do not have to share your living space with a person who poses a serious threat to you just becuase you are or were recently in a relationship with him.

Consult a solicitor about the finances and the finer points of separating. I take it you are not married (it does make a difference with regard to house ownership etc). When you say you are buying a house together, is this the house you and he are currently living in, or one that you are about to move to?

backtofront Fri 21-Sep-12 15:36:32

we aren't married but have been together a number of years and the house is in both our names and the payments taken from a joint bank account.

As yet he has not been physically abusive but his verbal outbursts have triggered panic attacks in the past and have left me "winded". DD just thinks there's sth wrong with his brain!

solidgoldbrass Fri 21-Sep-12 15:41:44

OK, remember it's fine to end a relationship and there is no reason at all why you should carry on living with someone who is horrible to you. You don't need his permission to separate from him; a solicitor will help you work out fair arrangements for the house, his access to DD etc, and he will have to accept. If he refuses to leave or becomes aggressive, you can involve the police. Best of luck.

backtofront Fri 21-Sep-12 15:43:17

thanks solid, I know that in my heart, it's just that getting to that stage is going to be a bit slow and messy...

izzyizin Fri 21-Sep-12 15:50:56

As sgb has suggested, you can talk to an officer from your local police force's Domestic Violence Unit who will flag your phone number and address should you need to call 999 and refer you a dv counsellor/worker.

Alternatively, call Women's Aid www.womensaid.org.uk - this site has all you need know about making yourself and your dd safe in your own home.

In addition the Rights of Women helpline www.rightsofwomen.org.uk can advise on legal matters pertaining to your home and your dd.

Keep posting here where you'll benefit from the wealth of wisdom available on this board from women who've been exactly where you are now and have been abe to move themselves and their dc into infinitely brighter lives.

backtofront Fri 21-Sep-12 16:00:22

ok thanks this site is a real lifeline, I think I will call in at the police station on the way home, it's hard getting my head round the fact that it's come to this...

izzyizin Fri 21-Sep-12 16:34:18

Although you may strike lucky and encounter a particulary empathetic/sympathetic officer, if you call in at your local police station ask specifically to speak a police officer from the DV Unit as other officers are unlikely to have the expertise that comes from specialised training in this field.

If at any time you feel threatened or intimidated by his behaviour, PLEASE don't hesitate to call 999 and get the police on the case.

You can come this board to offload or for support 24/7.

The first step is the hardest but you CAN do this, honey. Take heart from knowing that many thousands have done it before you.

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