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DH found out I had an affair. Now our marriage is wrecked

(223 Posts)
thisidid Fri 21-Sep-12 14:19:46

I did something very stupid. It has been over for more than a year. Two days ago DH found out about it and he is devastated. Incandescent. I don't know if we will get past this. We have two beautiful DCs. The past two days have been appalling. The baby has picked up on the stress and has been inconsolable all day. I can't eat, my milk supply is dropping. DH wants a paternity test. We have had such a happy year together, culminating in the birth of DC2, and now everything is in ruins. Words cannot express how much I have hurt him and to witness that is the worst punishment. and to know it is worse for him.

We always had a good relationship, with lots of ups and downs like any couple, but we always used to be strong together. I did this through my own stupid vanity and selfishness. I took him for granted and went chasing ego gratification. I did this to the family I love so much. It turns out that the grass isn't greener, it is sordid and unfulfilling and I wish I had stopped it before things went as far as they did.

I thought that as time went on, my mistake would get lost in the past, but it didn't.

I don't know how to repair our marriage and protect our children, but I will do anything. But I think it my be too late.

willyoulistentome Fri 21-Sep-12 14:21:55

Well, what did you THINK would happen??

Pancakeflipper Fri 21-Sep-12 14:24:00

OP - whatever happens he needs time and to take it as his pace. Back off abit.

This is very familiar, sure I read same thread a few weeks ago. Perhaps I am now dreaming threads.

thisidid Fri 21-Sep-12 14:26:08

I thought I'd been careful to delete all emails etc. but he knew anyway. That's the thing when you live with someone, isn't it? You can't actually hide something like that.

thisidid Fri 21-Sep-12 14:27:13

I have been reading the staying together after an affair threads on here to try to see a way forward. He has been reading them too.

timetoask Fri 21-Sep-12 14:28:16

Talk to him frankly ask him for a second chance, you are going to have to work very hard to rebuild the trust. Let's hope he is able to forgive.

kittybiscuits Fri 21-Sep-12 14:28:34

Hi thisidid, sorry things are so messy and difficult for you right now. You can't really know what this discovery means for your relationship right now. It will take some time for the dust to settle and for both of you to calm down and think about what you want to do next. Sorry your little one is affected. Have you got RL support - not easy, I know, in this situation. Can you focus on trying to calm and soothe yourself? And though you probably don't feel like it, try and eat and drink regularly so you can re-establish your milk supply. Good luck OP x

That's a lovely post, btw willyoulistentome. Are you a trained therapist? If not, maybe you should consider it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 21-Sep-12 14:29:09

You sound pretty sorry for yourself so I won't add any brick-bats. Unfortunately, you can't repair anything solo no matter how remorseful you are. When trust goes out of a relationship it leaves a gaping hole of hurt and disappointment that is extremely difficult to close. Your DH needs time to get to grips with the information and then you'll have to take his lead on how to take it forward. Don't be surprised if it's the end. Hope for the best but anticipate the worst.

madwomanintheattic Fri 21-Sep-12 14:30:48

Well, you'd better get a paternity test done, then.

Is the child his? Or don't you know?

Did you stop the affair because you found out you were pg?

You already had one child whilst you were having an affair. I think the 'dh found out' part of your thread title is superfluous, fwiw. It seems to portray dh as the problem, rather than the victim. However, you seem to be reaping what you sow, and all that, so I am sorry for the both of you and your children.

Does he want to try counselling? Or does he want to find out if 'his' children really are his, first? He must be in dreadful shock. His entire world has come crashing down round his ears.

Lovingfreedom Fri 21-Sep-12 14:30:51

Tell him everything he wants to know. Don't hold back or try to minimise your infidelity. If he asks what seems like stupid questions, answer them honestly and let him know details if he wants them.

Give him time and space to digest all this new information. Be patient and expect that he will go through a range of emotions. Apologise to him. Don't try to excuse what you did or try to pass the blame on him. Recognise that trust is likely to be an issue now, for a long time to come.

Give it time and see what happens. I reckon honesty at this point will be the best policy. Keep in mind that a lot of people do want to save their marriages/relationships, esp if there are children, but you can't force him to stay with you and the onus is on you to take responsibility for your affair.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Fri 21-Sep-12 14:32:48

What lovingfreedom said. Nothing else to add really. Good luck OP.

thisidid Fri 21-Sep-12 14:35:52

Yes I agree, he is still in a state of shock and taking things day by day. He is very angry and wants to punish me, which is only fair and I am going to take it as much as I can and hope we can start to move past it. Yes I will try to back off. We are talking a lot about the underlying reasons as to why it happened to try to identify how to stop it ever happening again.He hasn't written us off yet which is good.

His parents are being so supportive too - of both of us. which is so much more than I deserve.

thisidid Fri 21-Sep-12 14:37:22

The baby is his. I have ordered a test to prove it to him.

itsallinmyhead Fri 21-Sep-12 14:38:17

I hope things work out for the best for all of you OP.

I can't offer any pearls of wisdom as I've not experienced this. What I can say is that your DH seems to want to work through this if he's seeking information & guidance from similar threads.

Good luck to you & your family

kittybiscuits Fri 21-Sep-12 14:38:30

Then they are wise parents. Great advice from lovingfreedom. This is not who you are, this is something that you did.

Iggly Fri 21-Sep-12 14:38:38

I feel sorry for your poor children sad you need to look after yoursel for your children especially the baby as it literally depends on you.

Speak to your DH but remember he is hurting and give him space. You cannot expect any clear answers from him even if he gives you some, he's on an emotional roller coaster and needs to ride it through.

Taghain Fri 21-Sep-12 14:38:48

The complete trust may be lost for now, but relationships can be mended. I had an affair 20 years ago, which might have resulted in separation had DP & I not had children. Paradoxically, I think that it has now made our relationship stronger, as we now know that we can get through major problems.

Looksgoodingravy Fri 21-Sep-12 14:41:34

Agree with Lovingfreedom, be honest about EVERYTHING, answer all questions truthfully, don't drip feed information thinking the less your dh knows the less you're going to hurt him, the truth always comes out in the end so better to let him know everything now rather than him finding out later.

thisidid Fri 21-Sep-12 14:41:54

Thank you Taghain, it means so much to hear that smile

Offred Fri 21-Sep-12 14:42:23

This is why I always disagree with the people who advise covering up the affair. I really think it will be hard to come back from this, he has to cope with your affair but also your massive capacity for deceit. It was very selfish to go on to have dc2 without him knowing the real situation.

I think you need to give him some space to decide what he wants.

wednesdaygirl Fri 21-Sep-12 14:43:45

How did he find out? Through emails? Or friends?
Let him take the weekend to process the info then talk

thisidid Fri 21-Sep-12 14:44:24

That is part of the problem Looksgood, I did drip feed terribly and tried to minimise it. So now he still thinks there is more to tell.

Apocalypto Fri 21-Sep-12 14:44:46

In his shoes, I'd want a paternity test too. The fewer of your children are his, the less the financial damage to him from divorcing you.

Of course, he will still have to keep you forever even if neither child is his. This is probably weighing on his mind and causing him to stay his hand.

The "happy year together, culminating in the birth of DC2" you've just had is not a positive. For all he knows it was a year of him being a mug. He may be about to lose a child, in effect.

If both children are yours, you are free of STIs, and you can prove it, you may just about get away with it. You'd have to start by listing all the good things about the two of you together that can possiby continue. But of course this raises the question of whether you want to stay with someone who may never really forgive you.

Offred Fri 21-Sep-12 14:44:49

Don't get into "examining together what led to the affair" if there were relationship problems then they were incidental. The affair is something you need to explore from a perspective of it being solely to do with you.

thisidid Fri 21-Sep-12 14:45:19

old emails that I had overlooked deleting. ridiculously stupid

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