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Ive realised i don't need proof....

(29 Posts)
butterflyings Fri 21-Sep-12 11:32:47

I've long suspected my h of having had some kind of affair, emotional or otherwise and had even posted here about it but asked for it to be deleted when I was berated for not making him feel wanted enough confused

Anyway, I appear to have had some kind of Epiphany overnight and realised that I just don't need to prove it. I know its happened, as does he and that's enough. I just don't care anymore.

It has taken me over a year to feel like this! I can end things just because I'm unhappy. I don't need to be hurt more to 'prove it'.

ErikNorseman Fri 21-Sep-12 11:33:49

True smile good luck.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 21-Sep-12 11:40:40

I'm always banging on about this one smile I can understand why some people feel the need to turn detective but it's not really necessary to wait for evidence before deciding you neither like or trust someone. After all, when we meet someone new, we don't ask for 'proof' that they are a good person before deciding to like them.

Japple Fri 21-Sep-12 11:42:18

Well, you are the Calm one.Women over Here would "Pop" him in the Chops,
Cut off his special dinners, get dolled -up and go Out with the girls for,some
"Fun Time".Zero Tolerance.If a man continued these Insults and habits...we
would Hit him where it Hurts-In the Pocketbook.Divorce-City.You know..."It's
MY WAY-Or the HIGHWAY!"

PostBellumBugsy Fri 21-Sep-12 11:47:45

Good for you butterflywings. It is a hard decision to come to, but your gut is usually a very good guide and there are not many things worse than feeling trapped in a miserable relationship.

Lovingfreedom Fri 21-Sep-12 11:53:02

YES!!!! you're right...you know enough...and even if you didn't you can end it anyway...just cos you want to. Congratulations on your epiphany.

Warning: your husband might feel hurt that you don't have sufficient evidence for an 'arrest' and you're not going to bother looking for any more (poor lamb). Mine seemed quite offended when I stopped taking an interest in his love life.

Good luck with next steps.

GentleLentilWeaver Fri 21-Sep-12 11:54:00

Good for you smile

carlywurly Fri 21-Sep-12 12:48:04

Well done. It's a very empowering decision to take.

Lovingfreedom - same here, once I'd reached the decision, I didn't ask a single further question of XH and his antics, and then he started to volunteer information. Truly bizarre hmm

izzyizin Fri 21-Sep-12 12:56:51

I was berated for not making him feel wanted enough

On this board? shock On this site? shock

Are you certain you didn't post on nethuns another site with a similar name? hmm

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 21-Sep-12 12:57:07

It's not all that bizarre really. 'Knowledge is power' so if - from the cheater's POV - you have a secret, you're holding the cards and can enjoy the feeling of power, believing you are superior, more clever... 'I know something you don't' etc. You're also getting lots of attention - even if it's the suspicious negative sort of attention - and you may even half want to be found out so that you can show just how clever you've been at covering your tracks.

When the partner no longer cares enough to find out the secret, you've got nothing. So volunteering the information is a way of getting attention... but it's a little pathetic by that stage.

AnyFucker Fri 21-Sep-12 12:58:31

Well done

arthriticfingers Fri 21-Sep-12 13:09:20

Well done, and walk tall (or, indeed, fly high) Butterfly smile You know you are doing the right thing. smile
Those of us that needed evidence in black and white, though, needed it, desperately, for our mental health.
The 'proof' we needed was that we were not fruitcakes.
Obviously, in 'normal' life you don't need 'proof' that you are not barmy, but some of us were not married to 'normal' men. sad
And, yes, Cogito is entirely right that they love their secrets, so much so, that there is a real possibility that they will turn nasty when dumped.
Whatever - can't control control them, but they are unpleasant
Butterfly you are out smile

Dryjuice25 Fri 21-Sep-12 13:25:39

I like just how powerful you must feel right now......run away with this power with the added advantage of knowing that whatever is/isnt there, you won't ever be preoccupied with waiting for the bombshell to drop/or not on you, you're in the driving seat and spearheading your own happiness/destiny without him being the centre of it all.

Good luck and wishing you happiness.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Fri 21-Sep-12 15:06:00

Wishing you well, OP. smile

butterflyings Fri 21-Sep-12 16:38:23

Was definitely this board Izzy, I was distraught.

Not any longer, I have been arranging things today. He can go, TODAY. I've had enough, his things are packed and I've sent him a text to say I'm done with it.

I knew yesterday, when he was out all day in a meeting. Normally I would text or call him all day as I was so worried, but yesterday I just thought, so what if he is. I really don't care (smile)

I don't care if I have dark days after this, he will never do this to me again.

DameEnidsOrange Fri 21-Sep-12 16:44:52

butterflyings well done, you are right you do not need proof, and you do not need him

CremeEggThief Fri 21-Sep-12 16:47:12

Enjoy the feeling of empowerment, Butterfly smile.

Onwards and upwards, as a few have told me!

maggiemuggins Fri 21-Sep-12 20:10:58

Good for you - trust your instincts.

You might find this article useful (as well most of the others on that site!): http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/you-dont-have-to-gain-agreement-or-acknowledgment-in-order-to-let-go-move-on/

OrangeImperialGoldBlether Fri 21-Sep-12 20:19:19

Good for you. How awful for you yesterday to know that he was up to something. Good for you for ending it now. The bastard.

HipHopOpotomus Fri 21-Sep-12 20:47:56

You sound like you have released yourself from a cage butterfly. Well done!

ProphetOfDoom Fri 21-Sep-12 20:54:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

caramelwaffle Fri 21-Sep-12 21:04:20

Well done.

clam Fri 21-Sep-12 23:16:18

I too am surprised you got told that on here. Often, one deranged poster or two might pop up and suggest trying harder to be good enough for him, but a bunfight soon starts, with most sane people shouting "Leave the bastard."

Anyway, seems like you're leaving the bastard off your own bat. Good for you!

AnyFucker Sat 22-Sep-12 10:25:14

There are occasionally rosy-glassed, man-pleasing romantic fools who occasionally pop on threads where awful male behaviour is being detailed who say "perhaps he is stressed, has ASD, isn't coping with family life, has PND, needs you to love him more give him more blow jobs , marriage is for life etc)

They usually get chased off pretty promptly as the pillocks they are

butterflyings Sat 22-Sep-12 16:41:11

And so he is gone! Not easily admittedly, first I was paranoid, then irrational, then he admitted 'something had happened but not what I think.'

There were tears, his not mine, then I was a selfish cunt smile

But the important thing is that he has gone!

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