It's my birthday and I feel like crying - fallen out with DH after first counselling session (long, sorry)

[starrystarrynights]

We've been married almost a year and seem to have stumbled from one disaster to another most of them 'me' related unfortunately -e.g. toxic mother and family issues, me not being treated very well at work and subsequently resigning from a very stressful job.

I've been diagnosed with anxiety and depression due to the work situation but I am feeling much since I left work a few weeks ago.

Am constantly being told by DH that he does not want to be with someone depressed, that I am always negative and need to lose weight (well I have put on some weight but am only a size 12!), He now openly stares at women when we are out and says that's ok as he does not see it at home anymore! I hear from him that I just could not handle my job and that this is the reason I left. The reality is that I earned more than twice what he does managing a really difficult job whilst dealing with DD and did this for many years as a single parent. It is just demoralising.

It used to take a lot to make him angry now he becomes angry at smaller things and then sulks for days. It is the sulking which I just cannot stand, and it hangs over the house like a cloud. He can be aggressive in his shouting too.

Finally bit the bullet today, my birthday, and went to see a counsellor. He glossed over many of the issues I raised making himself sound really good. To make things worse he came out of the meeting saying 'did you see how reasonably I came across, I presented myself very well, she was staring at you all of the time and focussing on you because you are the problem'.

Just feel so frustrated and undermined by this. We have now had a massive argument - he is not talking to me because I would not stop everything right now this minute when we got back to help him with some DIY and because I wasn't happy about the things he said to the counsellor

He is now in the living room on the phone to his friend as if nothing has heppened and I'm in the bedroom feeling as if I could cry...

To be honest before all of the stressy things happened, he was such a cheery person but he has reacted negatively to all of this and turned into a horrible person.

[SirGOLDBoobs]

He's being a prick, and I'm so angry for you reading how he's treating you.

FWIW, he may think he came across wonderfully rational (and that "you are the problem" ) but this is the first of hopefully more sessions. The counselor will not have missed that he glossed over issues, and will have picked up on the fact he was trying to turn it around to being solely your fault. So don't worry about the counselor agreeing with him or anything like that.

Will you be getting solo counseling as well?

He really is treating you like crap love. Don't stand for it.

[izzyizin]

Your 'd' h has proved himself to be an emotionally abusive twunt and joint counselling is not recommended where one party exhibits abusive behaviour towards the other.

If your counselling sessions are with Relate, I don't have much confidence that the counsellor will pick up on his undesirable traits and I would advise you to seek individual counselling for yourself to discover why you have let this man into your life.

The good news is that as you have been married a year, you can petition for divorce citing his unreasonabe behaviour and that, given the brief length of your marriage, it is unlikely that he has built up any great stake in the assets you owned outright prior to your marriage.

As well as sourcing individual counselling, I suggest you make a appointment with a solicitor who specialises in divorce - and in family law if you have dc with your h - and who offers a free half an hour initial consultation in order to get the ball rolling and give the twunt the eyeful he deserves.

Happy Birthday, starry

It may not be the best one you've ever had, honey, but once you've got this twunt out of your life, you can look forward to wholeheartedly enjoying many more.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

He is an abusive twat.

Go and get some counselling for yourself, and work out how to divorce him asap.

[EscapeInTheCity]

The counsellor was looking at you to see what was your reaction to the way he presented himself. I am sure she hasn't missed the fact you didn't agree with his way of looking at things and that she now has LOTS of questions for him....

Having said that none of his behaviour is acceptable. You don't spend your day saying to someone who is depressed you don't want to be with somebody like this. it's not dissimilar to saying they are not good enough or that they are 'defective' in some ways.
You don't put the ones you love down in this way, saying they just 'couldn't cope with the job' (as if he could have coped!).
You don't stare at women and say it's OK because... he doesn't get as much sex as he would like???

You say your had some issues yourself (toxic mother etc...) so I would really advise you to go for counselling on your own. I am getting that you would do some some support to rebuild your self esteem.

[Mayisout]

This book was recommended on another thread
www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0425191656/ref=s9_simh_gw_p14_d0_i2?pf_rd_m=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_r=1ZWV7VPFJPSQBVPFTDVG&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=317828027&pf_rd_i=468294&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21
and it sounds as if it might be useful for you.
Also this one
www.amazon.co.uk/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1348172708&sr=1-1&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21
I agree you should be going to counselling on your own, and once you have a bit more courage you will be able to sort out the selfish twat.

[jaffacake2]

Happy Birthday
You deserve so much more than this emotional abuse from him.
You said that you coped as a single parent with a demanding job so you have the strength of character to make some choices here.
Do you really want to stay with someone who demoralises you and takes away your self esteem and confidence ?
Is this the way your daughter should see her mother being treated ?
Lots to think over,especially as this is quite early on in your relationship.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

No wonder you're depressed and anxious if you're living with a nasty little man that does nothing but pull you apart! OK, depression may not be the easiest thing in the world for a partner to cope with, but to go on the offensive the way you describe is both bizarre and cruel in the extreme. I seriously doubt he has suddenly turned this way... chances are you simply weren't seeing the real him up to now because there had never been anything to ruffle his selfish, nasty feathers.

It is never recommended to go to joint counselling with a domineering, agressive bully. I suggest you return but by yourself. Work out how you're feeling, what you want out of life and what you need from a partner. Then see a solicitor because this man is making you ill ....

[janelikesjam]

Why are you with him ? Sounds awful. Why are you taking this s**t from him? You sound intelligent and lovely and there is a big, wide world out there ....

[starrystarrynights]

Thank you everyone for your messages, it is much appreciated.

The counselling is through the Tavistock Centre - basically our session was an initial one and we would now need to wait to be allocated a counselor which is not ideal.

Escape this initial counselor was looking at me to see my reaction as you say.

I am going for counselling on my own because of the stressy things which happened at work and with my mum and her control - a whole other thread.. - but my counselor left the NHS last week so I'm waiting to be assigned to another.

I know that he is being horrible and terribly controlling but this behaviour has only really come about since I got myself stressed out at work and really did brought it home, I was a bit of a wreck to be honest. I'm not making excuses but I do think that he could be a bit stressed out too. There is no reasoning with him when he is like this though and I'm not playing up to his sulking. Its just so tiring :(

[Daisym0use]

Happy birthday starry. These things are always so much worse at birthdays or xmas as we put so much pressure on ourselves to feel that we should be happy.
You've had a rough day and it sounds to me as though you don't deserve the way your dh has treated you. Stay strong, have a bath and pour yourself a big glass of wine

[SirGOLDBoobs]

Being a bit stressed would be acceptable.

Telling you its all your fault, that you need to loose weight, checking out other women openly... That is not.

[garlicnutty]

Yes, do get yourself a counsellor please, starry. I would like you to discover, MUCH faster than I did, that a controlling mother is not unconnected with an abusive partner and bullying at work.

The best way to pull all this apart and lose the bits that hold you back, while optimising the parts that make you such a resounding success in most of life, is to ditch the twats (all of them, but start with STBXH) and engage with your therapy.

You'll be so glad this idiot revealed his true twattishness early on! Some wait years. Please, draw a line under this mistake NOW and get on with your future.

Happy birthday :)

[itsallinmyhead]

My heart goes out to you, OP. This is an emotionally abusive man and you are in an abusive relationship.

An abusive man is often very charismatic when around others. He should be supporting you and lifting you up at such a difficult time, not breaking you with his controlling bull shit.

I work with women in DA relationships & it's often a shock to find out that domestic abuse is just that it's abuse, not just violence.

Call a support helpline, it really will help to talk it through with someone who won't judge or ask you why you're staying. Or if you want to leave, they can support you through that too. If you like, you could inbox me & I would be happy to discuss anything you'd like to know more about.

[hmmmmm]

Sorry to hear this

Agree with others he's bad news. Try reading this as if someone else wrote it. How long have you been together in total?

Happy birthday for yesterday

[hmmmmm]

Oh and I agree the counsellor will have seen through him.

[cynner]

Happy Birthday! I do hope you take some time to coddle yourself...
One of the problems I have with marriage counseling is that one partner tends to take over the session. I have often told my clients to try seeking help by themselves first. This makes it possible to make a connection with your therapist, without interference from the other party. Many therapists will often see both partners separately once or twice to get a good understanding of the issues, and how each partner perceives them.
In my opinion, your husband sounds immature and manipulative..
I wish you luck, and hope you will find the support you deserve..

[ErikNorseman]

He is abusive. Nothing you did caused him to start abusing you. That was his choice. Counselling does not work with abusive men because they lack the will or the ability to be reflective, and they will misrepresent and use the counsellor's words to further abuse. This is well known, and what your H is doing.
You cannot change or fix him, you could be the happiest, thinnest you have ever been and he would find something else to abuse you over.
Loving partners support each other with work stress and boost each others' self esteem. He knocks you down time and again because he wants you low and unconfident, it suits him.

[TheWalkingDead]

Happy Birthday starry

I second what ErikNorseman said - a partner supports you through the hard times and doesn't spend their time looking for ways to pull you down. I had anxiety and depression and was in a hideously stressful job as you were and my DH was nothing but supportive. That's what a marriage should be about. I know you will find the strength to deal with this.

[AnyFucker]

and this is another example of why joint counselling is not recommended where there is abuse in a relationship

[fiventhree]

As another OP put it so well, this exactly:

"Yes, do get yourself a counsellor please, starry. I would like you to discover, MUCH faster than I did, that a controlling mother is not unconnected with an abusive partner and bullying at work. "

I also think that you need to separate out, sharpish, the difference between rockiness in a relationship caused by your stress or attitudes, however imperfect, and complaints abut your weight, depression etc. There is nothing you could say or do first which makes that acceptable.

Even his remark about the counsellor ie 'didnt I present a good external face to others'.

[fiventhree]

And it isnt just unacceptable, either. As others point out, is is a worrying indicator of an abusive personality.

[LemonDrizzled]

Happy Birthday starry and sorry to hear of your woes.

You might find it useful to look at This Thread and the links to see if your DH is there. The ladies there know only too well what you are going through.

for your birthday

[puds11]

Hi starry, ive been there too. The constant put downs about your weight, 'why don't you dress nice' 'the house is a mess', 'i'm not in love with you anymore'. Zero support when i was diagnosed with anxiety, constantly trying to make me feel inferior.

Its very hard to deal with. It makes you doubt yourself and your capabilities. However, you will find that you are still strong, you are still capable, and when you get rid of the toxic wanker you will feel like doing all the things he moaned at you to do, but for yourself, not for anyone else.

[Donkeysdontridebicycles]

What an arse your "d"h sounds, no wonder the counsellor was staring at you they probaby wondered how you put up with him.

The only weight you need to shift is your lump of a husband.

Hope by your next birthday he has shaped up or shipped out.

[starrystarrynights]

Thanks everyone for your support and birthday wishes.

Didn't sleep very well last night and have an interview this afternoon which I'm dreading now, just feel like going back to bed.

I know this sounds pathetic, but I really wish this could be fixed, im not ready to break up yet :(

Without outing myself totally, we are Muslim, and I've been married before with a DC, difficult for you to understand but it would be seen to be a major fail on my part if this didn't work out.