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Relationship with dp rocky since our dd born

(29 Posts)
WillowsTree Thu 20-Sep-12 19:02:41

Not really sure where to start. Don't actually have a group of friends in RL to talk to and my family are even more distant with me since dd was born. Apologies in advance if long winded, and I know my situation is trivial compared to what some women have to deal with...

Been with dp 4 years, planned a baby once we bought our first house together, feel pregnant straight away once we started trying and thought everything was turning out pretty perfectly. Was really such during pregnancy but dp was, well, a total arse! Didn't understand how I felt and didn't try, had me in tears a lot cos I foolishly thought he would want to take care of me. Not a romantic at all! But things got better, and during labour he was amazing, a real star and I couldn't believe how nice he was. But again, this didn't last. He has a problem with change and that's all that happens when you have a baby! Our dd was so unsettled if be in tears a lot feeling totally useless. Don't have any support other than dp, but all he is interested in is why I haven't cleaned the house! Dd is nearly 6 months and yesterday she cried pretty much all day because she was fighting sleep, she also has eczema so itches like crazy and may or may not be teething. Combination of everything.. Today she has finally slept but I an so exhausted all I want to do is sit down and have a cup of tea!

I do try to keep the house clean, but tbh I've never been the show home type. washing is always done and every room is tidy ish. If I didn't have dd and wasn't working I WOULD have the house spotless all the time.

Now I don't know if I'm just making excuse for myself. Dpsays I'm disorganised and lazy, but he grew up in a clinically clean environment where he want even allowed colouring pens cos they were too messy.

WillowsTree Thu 20-Sep-12 19:05:44

Oh dear posted this before I had even read what I've written, stupid smart phone!

He is sometimes lovely and sometimes horrible, but my issue is that we argue a lot and I don't want it to effect dd. How do I get this sorted? I do love him but an sick of the same arguments over and over!

sorry about long boring post, maybe all I need is to vent.

Fairylea Thu 20-Sep-12 19:12:56

How much does he help out with dd? I will bet not much hence unrealistic expectations of life with a baby. Do you leave dd with him and go out.. if not you should. Does he have more free time than you because he shouldn't.

Housework comes second. Baby first. For now.. and that will change as the baby gets older. I have a 9 yr old and a 15 week old. My Dh shares parenting equally and he would never ever comment on the house. He knows I am busy looking after ds and I do what I can. Anything bothers him that much he will do it. You're not a maid.

WillowsTree Thu 20-Sep-12 19:19:06

He does have a lot of time to himself. I have left him with dd twice, and only for an hour while she was sleeping. Both times got phoned, "come home she won't so crying". he will do things in the house, but not to help, he fits it in a way that makes me feel guilty that I've not done it already, and is always angry when he does clean so we always end up arguing.

he will change DDS nappy and bath her, but he has to be told to and I have to sort out all her clothes and run her bath etc.

Fairylea Thu 20-Sep-12 19:59:35

There is your problem then. He doesn't realise how difficult it is for you .. or maybe he does if he can't even cope for longer than an hour ! He is being an arse either way. What would happen if he HAD to look after dd in an emergency ? He would have to manage. He needs to realise dd is his responsibility too. Equally. Like the house.

I left ds with my Dh for a whole evening when he was 8 weeks old to take dd out to the cinema. He was fine. I also regularly go out for a few hours round the shops leaving ds with Dh. Dh would be insulted if he thought I felt I couldn't do that. He is as capable of looking after ds as I am.

I would just tell him the next day off he has that you're going out for a while. Unless he is irresponsible your dd will be fine and he might have some respect for you and how demanding it is.

WillowsTree Thu 20-Sep-12 20:25:29

He is on his second week off work for holidays and every time I ask him you take dd for a walk while I do my own thing, he has a million other things that are more important. I'm just feeling so deflated about the whole thing. We're not even talking just now and he us in his bed already.

Is do sad because we had a lovely family afternoon, thenhe starts on me because I hasn't done the dishes or sorted the clothes -but I had been bathing dd and getting her ready for . I'm just so frustrated at this and every tiny thing is getting to me. I don't have the strength to argue anymore and I don't actually think anything I do will be enough to please him.

Thank you for your replies though, hopefully will be able to use your advice. I'm so tired of being unhappy.

Dahlen Thu 20-Sep-12 20:28:27

I'm sorry but he sounds like a complete and utter wanker!

It's absolutely not on at all that you have to do all the housework and all the baby care and all the sleep deprivation while he has plenty of time to himself.

Fairylea Thu 20-Sep-12 21:08:19

So how about you go either on holiday or stay with relatives for a week or two ? Say you are very unhappy and are not sure you will return. Shock him. Let him deal with the house on its own. Let him see dd on his own as if you had split up like contact. If he really can't pull his socks up after that you would be better alone. One less child to clean up after.

PoisonMountain Thu 20-Sep-12 21:26:38

I think you might be me! Except my DH won't even change DD's nappy, wont pick her up when she cries because "she has to learn to ask nicely" and she doesn't have eczema.

I have no answers I'm afraid. Everything here always is answered by "but you're on holiday every day. I go out to work."

It's all very well saying go out for a while, but how can you do that when you know he won't comfort the baby if she cries, check her nappy, will just shut her in a room until she gives up crying if she doesn't obey when he says "be quiet now. Right that's it, into your room you're pissing me off" and won't check on her once she's shut in the next room.

Dahlen Thu 20-Sep-12 21:32:54

sad This is so shit. I know from personal experience that the only solution to this is to either accept this is the way it will be for ever more and consent to being treated with no respect and consideration, or you leave the bastard. PoisonMountain, this is exactly why so many mothers end up doing everything of course - because they have a sense of responsibility and a caring attitude towards their child that means they will allow themselves to suffer rather than their child even when it's unfair. It makes you (and Willowstree) lovely people and your Hs twats.

solidgoldbrass Thu 20-Sep-12 21:39:39

Honestly, if you have a man like this get rid of him. Consult a solicitor and either move house with DC or put the man out of the house - if he is actually violent you can get him removed by force and prevented from returning and he will still have to pay his share of the mortgage. It won't get better, because these men consider themselves your superior and your owner - you exist to serve them and meet their needs, childcare is your job and the children are not people so much as props for the man's ego.

Domestic abuse (and yes, this is domestic abuse - doing no domestic work and bullying you for not doing enough of it when you are looking after a small baby) often starts either during pregnancy or when the first baby arrives. The man will already have shown some signs of being a selfish, woman-hating prick but the signs will have been small, and you will have seen them against a background of relentless propaganda that a woman needs Her Man and that men must be indulged and gratified or they will leave and make you single and that's unbearable... so you'll have barely notice that he gets his own way all the time, and he is lovely as long as you never disagree with him or expect him to do any domestic work...

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 20-Sep-12 21:52:14

Unfortunately, a lot of domestic abuse situations start at the time of the first pregnancy/birth. What you're experiencing is very poor treatment by your husband. I'm worried that you say you have no RL friends and are distant from your family because a common tactic of abusers is to isolate their partner, making it difficult for them to get support.

It is not normal or acceptable for a man to become cold towards his pregnant partner and go on to behave the way he has done since your DD's arrival. So what if he doesn't like change? Normal adults take their responsibilities seriously, look after their partners, treat them with respect and with love. Only a selfish man decides to opt out and only a bully then goes on to make their partner - a new mother - feel like crap by picking holes in their efforts.

'Sometimes lovely, sometimes horrible' is a classic emotional abusive tactic designed to manipulate and control someone, keeping them on the back foot and anxious to please.

You have a few options at this point. First is that you can stop kow-towing to him, and trying to keep him happy. Ignore his moods and nit-picking act, tell him to buck his ideas up, start pulling his weight and threaten to pack his bags if he doesn't. I know you're exhausted but you need to stand up for yourself. Second is that you should call your family and go visit. Let them look after you and DD for a while so that you can get your head together. What's happening to you isn't right.

xxxresixxx Thu 20-Sep-12 21:58:15

I think you should suggest that you need to have a chat to review how things are going and set plans in place for the future. If he doesn't think it is necessary then I would write him a letter detailing how you feel and what needs to change. Tippy need to decide for yourself what you can accept and what is a deal breaker, for instance my DJ drives for work so I don't want him to get up in the night to DS as he needs to be well rested to drive. I do expect him to cook 50 /50, put on the occasional wash and allow me a lie in one day at the weekend. He also is happy to look after DS any time I need/want a break.

Sounds like your DH is feeling insecure and a bit out of his depth with your LO. What about suggesting he has a Daddy activity with her to give then some quality time and his confidence. My OH and DS go to swimming lessons together (maybe not ideal with your daughters excema but there are various Daddy groups running on a weekend..

AThingInYourLife Thu 20-Sep-12 22:02:04

"he won't comfort the baby if she cries, check her nappy, will just shut her in a room until she gives up crying if she doesn't obey when he says "be quiet now. Right that's it, into your room you're pissing me off" and won't check on her once she's shut in the next room."

You need to get your baby away from this bastard.

Fairylea Thu 20-Sep-12 22:07:22

Poison there is a big difference between someone who is a lazy fuckwit and will look after their child if they are made to. And one who is abusive to the point of ignoring their child. If it's the latter then of course she can't leave the baby with him and should leave.

joanofarchitrave Thu 20-Sep-12 22:12:30

You have GOT to start standing up for yourself - along with all the other stuff you are having to do angry

I wish Families Need Fathers would do some work with dads like this.

Tell him some of the stuff that is festering away. Tell him that you are not prepared to be the kind of parent that has a spotless house and a neglected child. If he says '...this is FILTHY' or similar, say 'Is it? Are you going to clean it?' as if asking what kind of day he had.

Clearly you are not disorganised and lazy, you are looking after a child full time (nB: nurses on a children's ward, nannies and teachers don't do cleaning as well; because it's a full time job.) However, even if you were, what the fuck? You are his lover and the mother of his child, presumably you have other qualities? Do you think he will talk to your child(ren) like this?

WillowsTree Thu 20-Sep-12 22:14:16

PoisonMountain I'm so sorry you are going through all that. It would break my heart if my dp left our dd to cry in another room. He never has to soothe her when she's bad, mostly because I won't trust anyone else to to it, but also he just doesn't know how and doesn't try new things if the first thing doesn't work. Rod for my own back I know.

I don't have friends in rl that aren't work friends and since I started maternity leave we have drifted apart since we don't really have the common tie anymore. I'm not from here so don't have friends I grew up with. I'm fortunate in that dp hasn't tried to isolate me from people, its just unfortunate it has happened what with me moving around before settling here. I've met some mums from groups and clubs, but no-one I could share all this with so soon.

I am scared if being single, I won't lie. I'm also scared of being a single mum, and having my daughter grow up without her dad. I have tried talking to him but he won't open up-not the emotional sort. And then nothing gets resolved.

My family are not an option-too messy a situation for me to be putting dd into. they have issues with dp that are totally stupid (one being why didn't he take us abroad this summer to somewhere like Mauritius instead of paying more into the mortgage- 1 I never wanted to go abroad and 2 why would I take a new baby to Mauritius?) he is banned from their house because they are annoyed he is allergic to their animals. Unfortunate family issues mean I have found myself isolated.

I'll try not rise to anything for a start and see how things go from there.

joanofarchitrave Thu 20-Sep-12 22:14:17

PoisonMountain sad angry That's not normal or acceptable.

BertieBotts Thu 20-Sep-12 22:17:54

Sweetie reading this post is like looking back in time at myself sad If it wasn't for the fact we only split up three years ago I'd be seriously wondering if you were living with my ex shock

Afraid I can't give you any happy endings of everything working out and him transforming into the perfect father but I can give you an alternative happy ending which doesn't have him in it. I know that sounds awful. This isn't all that there is, don't settle for it. X

BertieBotts Thu 20-Sep-12 22:23:39

Oh hang on I might have mixed up some posts sorry and thought that PoisonMountain's DP was the same person blush

But still, my message stands based on the other things, just because he isn't as bad as he could be, this doesn't have to be your life forever. Don't lie there at night feeling sad because this is it because it's not, and if you've had enough (at any point, not necessarily now) you CAN do it alone and sometimes it's easier, better and more fun without someone looking over your shoulder and criticising you.

Also: Don't make the mistake of thinking "Well he doesn't do X (e.g. isolate me from my friends), therefore he can't be controlling." There are different ways and methods of control and no amount of control or intimidation is acceptable. Please don't ever consider yourself lucky that your partner doesn't abuse you, that is a basic human right and one that you should expect rather than seeing as a bonus.

It does take time to make mum-friends, but some of my best friends now are people I have met through DS. IME it takes a year or two to get to know someone enough to consider them a close friend.

Fairylea Thu 20-Sep-12 22:26:28

I think you have to stamp out this controlling behavior now otherwise your dd is going to end up living in a house where she is scared to make any mess at all and thats not fun for a child as your Dh knows...what a load of crap not being able to use colouring pens due to mess ! Maybe it's given him a form of Ocd but that is not your problem to fix or appease.

WillowsTree Thu 20-Sep-12 22:39:51

Its so hard, I feel that our situation would be so easy to resolve with a bit more communication and dp having realistic expectations and showing support. Its not so much to ask for?

I just hate whenI try talking about things and he never a admits fault. Nobody is perfect and it makes you more human to admit mistakes in my opinion. I definitely blame his upbringing for a lot though. He was raised without a father who wanted nothing to do with him once he left, I don't think he knows what a real father and partner is suppose to be like. Can't seem to drum it into him either though!

Will try start tomorrow as a new day and sees where it gets me. But I wrong continue to make excuses for him if he doesn't compromise on anything. I can't raise dd in an unhappy house hold.

Harecare Thu 20-Sep-12 22:42:20

You spent 4 years together working each other out. Clearly he isn't a total wanker or you wouldn't have chosen him to father your children. There is a relate book called "babyshock". I've not read it, but given how a new baby is such a common problem to relationships I'm sure there will be advice on what to do.
Do you have time together in the evenings? Not all men are great with babies, but get better as they get older. Don't write him off yet.

Stitchthis Thu 20-Sep-12 22:50:32

While I agree you need to have change I know how hard it is to muster the strength to fight or make a stand. You're holding things together and it's exhausting. Pace yourself but try not to lose sight of the fact that this is not normal behaviour. I speak from (very) current experience. Normal relationships are based on mutual respect. Not placation. Take care xxx

WillowsTree Fri 21-Sep-12 10:14:58

Thank you again for all the replies. Haven't seen dp today as he was away at the crack of dawn fishing. We are going to a nursery open day later to start finding a suitable one for DD sad so will see how this goes and take things from here.

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