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What do you make of this?

(191 Posts)
Notthecatspyjamas Thu 20-Sep-12 14:40:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mammadiggingdeep Thu 24-Jan-13 22:27:52

It's hard to know why he would delete his fb account. Perhaps he wants to minimise your worry and anxiety and him not being on there would be better for the rebuilding of your relationship wouldn't it?

ThePinkOcelot Thu 24-Jan-13 22:32:49

I'm sorry OP, but I have just read all of your thread and I can't believe how more and more "events" (as you called them) keep coming out of the woodwork. I don't think your husband has it in him to be faithful. You say you don't trust him at all! I don't blame you! However, I don't think you ever will. Whenever he goes out, whenever he is late back from work, or is out and not contactable on his mobile, or whatever, you are going to be tied in knots wondering where he is, who he is with and what he is up to. Sorry OP, but I couldn't live like that, and I don't think (from what you have said) that you can either, sorry. Take care OP xx

cakehappy Thu 24-Jan-13 22:39:48

OP, what a mess. The reason that you are feeling this way is a direct result of his horrible, self-centered decisions that he made during your marriage. The reason you cant get over this and totally dont trust him is because he didnt keep his dick in his pants and screwed around ALOT during your marriage. He broke your trust,he was massively unfaithful many times, deliberately, you found out, how on earth can you expect to just get over this when he has ripped the complete foundation of your marriage out from under you? Why on earth do you even want to stay with this horrible man? Why are you questioning yourself?? How on earth could you ever get over what he did?? I know I couldnt. He brought this on himself, ruined your marriage and destroyed all that is good about family. Totally unacceptable. Get rid of him for a while at least and see how you really feel after you have had a significant while to heal and lick your wounds. I personally think that you wont be able to go back, the betrayal is probably to deep. Horrible man. Who does that? I am sure that he is very very sorry, but all a little too late. Fundamentally he is massively flawed, would you even consider doing what he did? probably not. Get Rid I say, sorry if it seems harsh. You, in my mind, have gone above and beyond the call of duty.

Notthecatspyjamas Thu 24-Jan-13 23:04:57

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Notthecatspyjamas Thu 24-Jan-13 23:07:28

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Notthecatspyjamas Thu 24-Jan-13 23:11:01

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Notthecatspyjamas Thu 24-Jan-13 23:12:34

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Ahhhcrap Thu 24-Jan-13 23:25:12

Nothing to be sorry for... You've had a massive shock and you are going through the grieving process now.

Don't worry about checking phone records, it's normal. Was still checking my exH email 2 years down the line!

Just go with the flow of your head and do what us right for you! You'll be all over the place for some time yet

cakehappy Thu 24-Jan-13 23:28:02

No one is ALL good or ALL bad and of course you had your good times in the 14 years you were together, but Holy Fuck, his bad was REALLY BAD. He was just so calleous about it. To the other women, to you to his family...gahhh, what does he expect. He has put you through hell and back. I could NEVER forgive my H for that. Stop doubting yourself. Once you have some time to get your head sorted (which you cant do while he is around) you will start seeing things clearer. Give yourself a break. You should NOT be thinking about him, you should be in full self preservation mode. Take care of you and your children. Dont be a martyr.

Notthecatspyjamas Fri 25-Jan-13 01:29:26

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YellowTulips Fri 25-Jan-13 02:54:25

A wise woman told me me people only ask the questions they already know the answer to, they just needed to be ready to hear the answer....

"I'd be insane to carry on with him wouldn't I?"

The fact you are asking means you already know the answer even if you are scared of what follows.

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 25-Jan-13 07:31:25

Tell him that you need more space and time as a week wasn't enough.

Get Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends - you both need to read it.

I very much doubt he is really committed to changing...

nurseneedshelp Fri 25-Jan-13 07:38:55

Sounds innocent to me . Maybe they're just good friends but he doesn't feel able to tell you about her in case you jump to the wrong conclusion?

Whatever is going I hope it all works out.

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 25-Jan-13 07:45:28

nurse - did you read all 7 pages??

Notthecatspyjamas Fri 25-Jan-13 08:38:30

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MadAboutHotChoc Fri 25-Jan-13 08:47:49

In that case you know he has no intention of working hard to save the marriage.

When you took him back you should have laid down certain terms and conditions including that he is to work on himself, do some reading, counselling etc to explore his issues and failings that led to him justifying cheating as the answer to his problems.

Notthecatspyjamas Fri 25-Jan-13 13:24:41

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MadAboutHotChoc Fri 25-Jan-13 15:35:38

Yes, one of the most important things that a cheater needs to do is to address their personality traits that led to him choosing to have an affair - these could include selfishness, arrogance or entitlement.

It sounds like his counselling was gentle and not at all challenging, maybe the counsellor was inexperienced in the field of infidelity and instead was re-directed by your H to look at less painful things without him having to dig deep into himself? My DH found counselling very hard and at times painful as it was like looking in a mirror and he hated what he saw and he had to talk through difficult issues - he used to come home exhausted.

I am frankly disgusted that he refused to go for STI tests. I hope you are not having sex with him - he may be infected and he has not managed to pass it to you.

I would also expect FULL transparency and openness - no secret passwords, deleting of texts/emails etc.

I think you need to challenge him a lot more and pull him up on these things - e,g lack of transparency and access to his passwords, reading Not Just Friends (its a very hard book for the cheater to read so it does not surprise me that he doesn't want to read this properly), going for a full STI screening, and looking at himself in further depth.

muddyboots Tue 29-Jan-13 10:03:00

I am going through something very very similar and I think I feel much the same as you.

My cheating, lying bastard of a husband is currently going through psychotherapy to sort himself out and has miraculously become the model husband and father. Our 'marriage' has suddenly become everything I ever wanted (apart from the seperate bedrooms!)

You have has lots of great advice on here (which I should follow too!) But I just wanted to add that you are not the only one to feel so undecided when it 'appears' that their partner has changed. It is very difficult to be without the man you love and exhausting to be so torn in so many directions. It would be so much easier for you if he was still with the OW....or accidentally had that little tumble under the lorry.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say....don't beat yourself up for loving the man you spent 14 years with and who has fathered your children. You are supposed to love him because you are a normal, loving human. He is a bastard.

Notthecatspyjamas Sat 09-Feb-13 18:33:47

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Notthecatspyjamas Sat 09-Feb-13 18:36:39

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Ahhhcrap Sat 09-Feb-13 18:38:23

Seriously!!! Omg what does he think was going to happen? A few weeks go past and you'll be ok??

It does all seen to be about him.. My dh did something similar 2 years ago and I still have bad days!

I'm furious for you! He should be falling over himself to make you feel better I stead of trying to sweep it under the carpet.

I'm so sorry you are going through this

badinage Sat 09-Feb-13 18:46:23

This is going to sound like an odd suggestion, but have you thought about 'just being'?

The kicking him out and letting him back isn't working. It must be as confusing as hell for the kids too.

Your husband's made a choice hasn't he? He knew what he should have done to start putting this right, but he hasn't. He's taken from this situation what's been helpful to him not you.

So you can make a response choice, can't you?

You can choose to be free of any expectations of him and get your own life in order so that you aren't co-dependant on him any longer.

You can focus on you for a while, not what he's done and what he still isn't doing.

You could get yourself some of your own expensive counselling. Pay for retraining. Rediscover old friends/interests, or find new ones. Reinvent yourself a bit.

Every action or inaction in your husband's case, has a consequence.

He can predict what's going to happen at the moment. Things seem to be good and he thanks fuck he got away with it all. Then you have a meltdown and he'll be icked out for a while. Then he'll be let back and the cycle repeats.

How about doing something different then?

Cos' this isn't working is it?

badinage Sat 09-Feb-13 18:47:30

kicked out for a while!

BesameBesame Sat 09-Feb-13 19:14:54

OP I have just read through your thread.

Your H has not even begun to work on saving your marriage. CBT does not address infidelity. So great, your H 'feels better' about himself whilst you sound utterly at your wits end.

He is beginning to lose patience with you because he clearly doesn't really feel remorseful for what he has put his family through. Cue, in the near future, another ONS which he'll convince himself is your fault.

He is not a good man. You don't need him and I believe your mental health is at risk if you don't detach from him very soon. You have DC's who need a DM who isn't overwhelmed and preoccupied by what their DF has done/is doing/may do.

TBH if I knew him I'd punch his fucking lights out.

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