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What do you make of this?

(191 Posts)
Notthecatspyjamas Thu 20-Sep-12 14:40:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LovesPeace Sat 06-Oct-12 01:13:08

I've been there - after 13yrs I felt something was wrong, looked for evidence and found it. I thought about what to do. It was a horrible two weeks of my life. Ex was saying he loved me, wanted to be with me, it was all in the past, a mistake, etc. I so wanted to believe him. This was the man I'd trusted, shared my life and love with for all that time.
But you know, I couldn't. I had a long (3 or 4 hr conversation with a kind stranger from the internet who had read my posts on another forum and realised I was in trouble) and he said 'You don't have to live like this, leave him'.
I did, and although it was hard, it was the best thing ever. I was instantly relieved of a burden. A few months in, and I'm sorted in my own clean and lovely house, have met someone new, and remembered how to be happy again.
There's hope for you too - you are an amazing, caring, hardworking, lovely person and you deserve more than this unhappiness.
Try to eat, sleep, drink enough water, and take care of yourself and your DCs. Tomorrow's going to be sunny. x

Matesnotdates Sat 06-Oct-12 01:13:55

You are not going mad, you are in shock and suffering, your mind is going over it obsessively. It will get better, it all so sudden and raw.

MummysHappyPills Sat 06-Oct-12 01:17:01

Oh poor you op. sad I have been lurking, and I thought that maybe you were reading too much into it at first, but obviously I was wrong and you were right to trust your instincts. sad I really feel for you, and hope you manage to work out in your head where to go from here.

weeonion Sat 06-Oct-12 01:19:05

NTCP - just
read whole thread and gutted for you when i reached the more recent posts. nothing to say really apart from i am thinking of you and dcs. x

Notthecatspyjamas Sat 06-Oct-12 01:24:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MiniMonty Sat 06-Oct-12 01:25:06

No, he has NOT destroyed you.

I think you've been treated very badly but no one can destroy you.

I think you need some help over what to next more than another "hugs and comfort" post so here's my two pence worth.

I think Sloooooooow Doooown might be my advice at this point.

You've discovered something you didn't want to discover, you're in a bit of shock. Confused, hurt, upset... (quite rightly so) and I think the best thing I can advise is a moment of calculated inaction. i.e. choose very clearly to do exactly nothing for a while. You'll want to have a revenge event - a screaming match - a drama - and everyone would understand why - but that would, ultimately, undermine you. Take a few days and let the steam cool off, let the raw anger turn into a thought process. You need to be able to think calmly and clearly about what YOU choose is going to happen next and that might take a few days to properly distil down to your best ideas.
Certainly smash a few ornaments in the garden but make no phone calls, send no texts, do nothing "permanent".

Retreat into your castle, steel doors closed, no contact with him of any kind and chill yourself out. Yes get drunk with your best friend, yes take advice from all and sundry friends, relatives and even Mumsnet but just drink it all in and sit tight until the shock has turned into a fact. You are a mother, a decent human and a person who has the high ground.

Once you can be cold and clear about what he's done within your marriage without losing your rag you can talk to him clearly about what you want, what he wants, what's possible etc., etc., etc., and none of us know what that might throw up. Perhaps you'll forgive, perhaps you'll evict. Perhaps you'll rise like a phoenix. But you won't be destroyed.

In the meantime this is not your fault, not of your making and not something for you to beat yourself up about. This has happened TO you not BECAUSE of you.

- - - - - - - - -

The older I get, the more I realise that the only crisis that needs dealing with "right now" is a gas leak. Anything else is worth thinking over for as long as the enemy will let me.

Notthecatspyjamas Sat 06-Oct-12 01:31:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Notthecatspyjamas Sat 06-Oct-12 01:41:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Notthecatspyjamas Sat 06-Oct-12 01:59:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MiniMonty Sat 06-Oct-12 02:40:54

No... Don't do that... Think differently...

1 - you won't get in
2 - you won't get in and then you'll be standing outside feeing stupid.

Stay away - be bigger.

Read through my post again (you'll want a revenge moment etc) - calculated inaction is your first best course. (without doubt).

The reason you need a few days is because of exactly what you describe - you need to go through (and maybe shout out loud) about going up and slapping her (although be clear that it's not her you are angry with)... Going up and slapping him. Shouting. Screaming. Venting your anger. You need to go all the way through you shock and anger and reverse-guilt. But slapping anyone will deliver nothing to you except a slightly sore hand. It will change nothing and mean nothing. You will demean yourself so don't go there.

You NEED a few days of chilling out and thinking things through.
GO TO BED now and don't get straight back on here first thing in the morning.
Do your life.
Do your kids.
Live well and normally and subdue your anger into clear thought.

You have been wronged and you deserve to face the person who wronged you - but if you do it in temper you will make a fool of yourself and you know it.

VioletStar Sat 06-Oct-12 07:18:41

MiniMonty is right OP. Read your whole thread and really feel for you. Give yourself time, time to think straight. Nothing I can add to the excellent advice above but thinking of you. Be strong.

Notthecatspyjamas Sat 06-Oct-12 07:30:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DragonMamma Sat 06-Oct-12 07:50:34

I read your post initially and I didn't think it would have ended up this way. I am so so sorry you are going through this.

Take things at your own pace, don't feel obliged to give him any answers now. Don't forget, he's probably gone over the conversations so many times in his head about what he would say if he was caught out so he's much further along than you are.

Personally, I wouldn't discuss it with him any further for the time being. You don't need any more information that's only likely to make you feel sick.

Is there anybody who can have your other DC for you so you can have time to think or sleep? Can you confide in anybody, your mum or best friend?

Get as much support as you can, don't be tempted to hide his indiscretions.

A big unmumsnetty hug from me

Notthecatspyjamas Sat 06-Oct-12 07:57:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Natnat29 Sat 06-Oct-12 08:17:09

I've just read the whole thread im so sorry this has happened OP, stay strong for your kids and for yourself. Don't lower yourself to that woman's level by going into her work, karma is a bitch- that woman will get hers soon enough

Hope you're ok cat. Please please read MiniMonty's posts again and again.

She is talking utter sense.


SimplyTes Sat 06-Oct-12 08:39:10

So very sorry you are going through this, I also thought when I first read your post that there might be a plausible explaination. I completely understand you are devasted and don't know which way to turn, you do need support in RL, when something happened to me years ago I needed to rage, I used MN but also had friends who would help, take me out for drinks and chats, look after kids when I had to shout and scream at DH for his betrayal and lies.

We are about 5 years down the line, somehow we managed to get through but it took such a long time and part of me will never trust him 100% again and sometimes I don't think I made the right choice to stay.

Your 'D'H doesn't deserve to know what choice you are going to make, how dare he be annoyed?! You need time and support and a chance alone to think. I know those images must be killing you, get rid of the car.........couldn't bear to ever sit in it again. Don't confront OW, zero point as long as you feel you have got the full truth, I can't imagine that there is anything worse you could learn.

Be kind to yourself, NONE of this is your fault, do not let him push you into anything. S x

rhondajean Sat 06-Oct-12 08:46:11

Hi not the I'm back up and checking in how you are. I see you have had good practical advice in the meantime.

I just wanted to say though - you have absolutely not lost your dignity! So you shouted a bit - who doesn't act out of character when in shock? You are not the one who was grubbing around sordidly. You have nothing to be embarassed or ashamed about.

Whatever else you do in fifteen minutes, hold your head high.

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 06-Oct-12 09:15:40

So sorry sad

Having been there, here is my advice:

* Do not make any long term decisions - you will change your mind several times over the next several months.

* Do look into your options (legally and financially). The better informed you are, the stronger you will feel and if you do take him back you know for sure its not because you feel you have no choice.

* You will experience so many different emotions and it is a real rollercoaster so ask for TIME and SPACE to process your thoughts and feelings.

* Confide in RL close friends/family.

* Be kind to yourself. Do little things that will help you feel a bit more human - bubble baths, hair cuts, coffee and cake in town etc.

* Remember that NONE of this is your fault. There might have been issues in the marriage but he CHOSE to resolve these by shagging OW.

* Detach, be calm and dignified with him - that way he can't paint you as the deranged nasty wife that he had to get away from.

Take care xx

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 06-Oct-12 09:19:11

P.S I think you are right about there being more to this. From your OP, it sounds like there must have been at least another more recent affair.

And get yourself checked for STDs sad

Doha Sat 06-Oct-12 09:43:24

Why did he confess so easily ???? Did he think you had proof of the affair or did he think it was easier to confess to this than a current one?
Anyway OP please just take your time to decide what youi want. He has absolutley no right to be annoyed-he may feel it is all in the past but or you it is new and raw--a betrayal of low and seedy proportions. Sex in the back seat of a car smacks of desperation.

Tempted as you may be please do not approach the OW don't loose your dignity over this. She wasn't the one cheating on you, it was your (D) H.

Could l get over this---not sure, especially if he is not showing any remorse.

Please get help and support in RL.

Notthecatspyjamas Sat 06-Oct-12 09:44:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 06-Oct-12 09:51:36

((hug)) go and run yourself a nice hot bath and have a good cry if you can.

Doha Sat 06-Oct-12 09:54:10

you can do this honey, honest you can. [wish MN had a hug emotion]

Has he collected the DC?
Try and eat and drink something, can you call a friend to come over?

rhondajean Sat 06-Oct-12 10:01:51

You can do this.

One step, one breath, one moment at a time. You can.

Don't try to think ahead just now. Can you call someone to come over?

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