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What do you make of this?

(191 Posts)
Notthecatspyjamas Thu 20-Sep-12 14:40:56

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Notthecatspyjamas Fri 21-Sep-12 16:34:08

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Notthecatspyjamas Fri 21-Sep-12 16:36:43

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Notthecatspyjamas Fri 21-Sep-12 16:57:33

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ledkr Fri 21-Sep-12 17:51:37

When I was pg I thought a colleague of dh's was a bit too cozy with him at a retirement do. I stewed it over all day before telling him how i felt.
He was surprised but also mortified that i was upset and agreed that he had thought she was a bit pally considering he didn't know her that well.

What I am saying is surely if you put it like that "Look,I had a nose and now wish I hadnt because Ive been so worried and need you to put my mind at ease" surely if he has nothing to hide he would be fine with that.
You could even show him this thread.

Notthecatspyjamas Fri 21-Sep-12 18:17:18

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BerylStreep Fri 21-Sep-12 20:50:22

Presumably he has spoken to you about his cheating on his ex girlfriend? That's how you know about it?

Could you broach a conversation with him along the lines of asking him, when he was with the exgf, what made him cheat, what went through his mind, has he been tempted to do the same again, what your views are, etc?

I don't know if this could raised with him easily. It may be a (relatively) non threatening way to discuss expectations around fidelity.

Ultimately, you need to decide are you prepared to continue with the marriage, if you are satisfied that he isn't cheating now (after appropriate warnings), but may have done in the past?

I had a look at that Shirley Glass link that was posted, it is very good.

I've had similar, but on a much reduced scale - went to DH's colleague's wedding evening do with him, obviously pregnant, and another (female) colleague had a visible reaction to me being there - surprised, scared, thrown. I spoke with DH about it, and he acknowledged that this girl most probably had a crush on him, and she had made it very obvious at work. There had been a number of occasions when she had tried to take it further, for example, throwing a party at hers after a work night out, which I think had been designed to escalate things. I am satisfied however, that nothing had happened.

The fact that we were able to discuss it, in the open, made it easier, and I laughed it off (but she definitely fancied him, and given half a chance, would have done something about it).

Sorry this is happening. Enjoy the wine. I'm on cava.

Notthecatspyjamas Fri 21-Sep-12 21:05:32

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AnyFucker Fri 21-Sep-12 21:44:39

what's so great about him ?

not much, I can imagine

a superficial charm, I suppose since he has had loads of ONS's when with his exGF

is there any reason why you think he would change the habit of a lifetime with you ?

he cheated on his ex with you, yes ?

you know the cliche about that, I expect

and I also don't understand why you think the outcome here will be any different

you are a duped romantic dreamer, like all the others he's had

sorry and all that, but this is how it goes with the ones the can't keep it in their pants

Bromptonaut Fri 21-Sep-12 22:05:05

Only you know your DH an his antecedents/motivations but:

As a bloke I've got a few female friends who are colleagues met through current past postings. None of them are, realistically, candidates for affairs but there's a certain 'frisson' about our relationships that's not present with the equivalent chaps. Texts, personal e-mails and facebook etc postings might get slightly saucy, when we meet we embrace and kiss chastely. But there's nothing there. We'll return home to our spouses/partners/singledom. Even if one of us misses last train we'd be on floor/sofa.

And yet some folks get the frisson thing round their necks and lie to partners.

taxiforme Sat 22-Sep-12 07:51:26

Ok, this is me and a colleague.

1. Both married.
2. Get on really well, have a bit of a laugh and cliquey private jokes about stupid things in the office. Text each other about stupid things Lol about stuff that no one else would "get".
3. Sometimes meet for coffee.
4. He was promoted to a new job in a town which I knew well. Sent him loads details of houses/schools ect. Smiley faces and whatever all over.
5. He was my friend. He was happily married (I was not happy at all in my marriage but I dont think this prompted my friendship with him).
6. When he left my office we lost touch. The emails and the smiley texts stopped.
7. I didnt tell my then husband about my work mate. I realise that this was a high risk strategy as it looked like we were having an affair.
8. There was a fair bit of office gossip at the time about us. Understandable but all rubbish.

I dont know what to "make of" what you say, cats. It could be innocent, it might not be..relationships are complex. I think it would be best to let this go. You can only change the future and not mither about what has happened in the past otherwise it will leak poison into your relationship.

PS I am not the OW in your story..this was about 7 years ago!!

Notthecatspyjamas Sat 22-Sep-12 11:07:45

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AnyFucker Sat 22-Sep-12 11:17:56

Just out of interest, OP, are you going to tell him these conclusions you have come to ?

he isn't a good dad if he makes the mother of his children feel insecure

Notthecatspyjamas Sat 22-Sep-12 11:48:55

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AnyFucker Sat 22-Sep-12 12:00:40

Good luck, love. You know where we are if you need us.

DameEnidsOrange Sat 22-Sep-12 12:10:44

Like taxi's situation, this could be innocent, but as he has got previous, it would get my spidey senses tingling.

It saddens me that your last post says inevitably, but like AF says, you know where we are...

sades101 Sat 22-Sep-12 13:51:15

I would question why he would be deleting texts off his phone? I find that quite suspicious... If it was me I would just ask out right. I'm not being funny, but clearly you had a reason to snoop as he is getting close to some woman he hasn't told you about. People might say 'oh that's too over the top' but to have trust in a relationship you need to be transparent. People shouldn't just expect trust, because lets face it there are so many dishonest people. I think it's dodgy sorry xx

BerylStreep Sun 23-Sep-12 11:03:09

Cats, that sounds like a sensible and measured response. Do you think it would be an idea to have a conversation with him, in passing, about fidelity? Such as, 'I was on MN the other day, and you wouldn't believe how many men are cheating - it's so awful etc etc. Stupid of them, throwing away their whole family etc etc.'

suckmycockiness Sun 23-Sep-12 22:39:38

OP, I think if I was in your situation, I wouldn't assume your DH had been unfaithful, BUT....

I would sit down with him and have a conversation that developing habits of secrecy, can eventually in the long term lead to unfaithful behavior. Even if he slightly fancies this woman, by telling you about her and not hiding/deleting texts or emails I think untoward behavior is less likely to happen...

I think when someone in a relationship starts being secretive about other ppl in their lives it can eventually lead to cheating. To re-establish your trust and security you need to have this conversation and hopefully he will listen....

Notthecatspyjamas Thu 27-Sep-12 17:31:06

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Mayisout Thu 27-Sep-12 19:26:38

Siphon some money away into a new account so you can pay private investigator/ lawyer or whatever you might need in the future.

Mayisout Thu 27-Sep-12 19:29:25

Maybe start thinking about a future that does not include him. What would you do jobwise and start thinking about studying or whatever is required. If this stuff was underway and you DID have to split up at some point it would make it easier for you.
Sorry -I don't know how to stop your thoughts sad

AgathaFusty Thu 27-Sep-12 19:46:44

Talk to him. You have your fears, your doubts. They're taking over your life. That can't carry on, but it will do unless you speak to him. Judge his reaction to whatever you tell him, then make your decisions on whether to call time on a relationship with someone you don't trust, or if you want to ignore and carry on.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 27-Sep-12 20:00:56

I would focus on you and rebuilding your life by investing in hobbies, training, friends etc so that your life does not revolve around him and that you become a stronger and more independent person.

BerylStreep Fri 28-Sep-12 09:08:58

Cats, I have no inspiring advice to give, just a ((((hug)))).

I do think you need to confront him again, or this is going to fester. But what are you going to do with the information? If he says 'yes, we did have a thing', then what? If he says 'no, she was a colleague who needed some support at the time, that's all', will you believe him?

Do you have someone in RL that you can talk to?

Notthecatspyjamas Fri 05-Oct-12 23:24:57

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