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Shall i stay or go

(26 Posts)
jsjsdcdp Thu 20-Sep-12 11:17:29

O where to start been with dp for nearly 3yrs we have ds together and i have 2dc with a knob of an ex.
Dp is currently staying at one of her majestys b and b's.
He isnt very good with handling his feelings anyway but at the minute he is being really hot and cold with me. He will ring me in a morning and be his normal self then a few hours later he rings and states he doesnt know if he loves me or wants a realationship with me. This obviously really upsets me. He then doesnt ring for a few days then rings out of the blue apologises and we have a heart to heart. Things then go back to love hearts and nice things.
He has just rang now and told me hes not sure of his feelings and our relationship, told him he should know wether he loves me or not surely its a yes or no answer isnt it?
I love and have stuck by him thru thick and thin as he has me, and when its good its ace but then when its bad its heartbreaking. I dont know what to think do i accept that things are hard for us and he is taking it out on me ( even tho i know he shouldnt) or do i take the view that hes being a coward and doesnt love me but jus doesnt have the guts to admit it.

Apologies if it doesnt read well i have a 2yr old chasing the dog round

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 20-Sep-12 11:29:58

What he's doing is extremely cruel. To be 'not sure' after 3 years and a child together is insulting and offensive. Lots of people have tough lives or problems - that's no excuse. Sounds like you've had enough of being strung along and I don't blame you.

Numberlock Thu 20-Sep-12 11:32:32

How long has been away for and how much longer till he's back home, OP?

HecateHarshPants Thu 20-Sep-12 11:35:59

Perhaps take the control out of his hands and into yours and say look, I've had enough of this. I love you, I don't love you, I love you, I don't love you, it's emotional torture. If you can't decide, I'll decide for you. We're done.

And change your number.

What he's doing is cruel and there's a part of me wondering if he's not actually doing it to mess with your head and drag you down, make you insecure and more vulnerable.

Take charge. Don't be at the mercy of someone else's ever changing feelings.

amillionyears Thu 20-Sep-12 11:39:54

Im reading between the lines,but I think he loves you.
I think he has too much time to think,which is not helpful to anyone.So he is over analysing things.
He may also be having feelings of "she could do better without me,or with someone else".

fluffiphlox Thu 20-Sep-12 11:42:24

I don't often comment on this thread as I don't really know much about bad relationships. If he's in the nick then he's likely feeling quite powerless so the one bit of power he has is over you. Maybe (obviously I don't know him or you)he feels free to exert that power over you because he can.
I'm not sure I could put up with someone who commits a crime, gets sent away and bullies over the phone. What exactly do you get from this relationship?

jsjsdcdp Thu 20-Sep-12 11:43:19

Numberlock- hes been gone 6week has another 6weeks to do its the 1st time so its hit us both hard.
He is very much a caveman when it comes to talking about soppy stuff hes always been the same according to his family and instead of dealing with it he goes off in a huff.
I have told him that i dont deserve what hes doing.

Numberlock Thu 20-Sep-12 11:48:17

And what was he like before he went away, OP? Is this just a 'symptom' of him being inside or was he like this previously?

jsjsdcdp Thu 20-Sep-12 11:50:48

Amillionyears- that is what im hoping is happening too much thinking by him and too much daytime tv espcially jezza!!! All part of the punishment for him i guess.

Fluffiphlox- apart from the last few weeks we are normally a good couple and more importantly a happy family. I have told him previously that if hes in a mood i would rather him not ring until hes in a better mood.

jsjsdcdp Thu 20-Sep-12 11:56:42

Numberlock- he wasnt the kind of bloke that whispers sweet nothings and wrote love letters but i was always sure of his feelings amd he did surprise me every now again and he had a couple of pet names for me nothing soppy but they made me smile all the same

Numberlock Thu 20-Sep-12 11:57:21

apart from the last few weeks we are normally a good couple and more importantly a happy family

I understand that these phone calls are upsetting but try and focus on the above. And maybe limit the times you speak on the phone in the meantime, don't answer if you suspect it's going to be 'one of those' calls.

Will be you visiting him at some point?

Numberlock Thu 20-Sep-12 11:59:19

he wasnt the kind of bloke that whispers sweet nothings and wrote love letters but i was always sure of his feelings amd he did surprise me every now again and he had a couple of pet names for me nothing soppy but they made me smile all the same

It all sounds good then, if you can get through the next 6 weeks and view it as a 'bubble' in an otherwise positive relationship?

fluffiphlox Thu 20-Sep-12 12:00:44

Did you know he was doing something unlawful? Was he keeping that a secret? (You don't have to answer that 'out loud' on the interweb). The point for me is that either a) he was a keeping a secret or b) you didn't stop him from committing a crime. Those things shouldn't happen in healthy relationships. (Though I do realise that he may be inside for a driving offence, and that can happen to anyone if they have a momentary lapse of concentration).
Anyway, I always think Hecate talks sense, listen to her.

jsjsdcdp Thu 20-Sep-12 12:09:41

Fluffiphlox- it was a pub brawl several people involved i was there at the time but he has been honest with me from the start of the proceedings. I have had it with him how angry i was with him and how could he be so stupid. He accepted he had been a prize knob but i told him i would stick by him but now i feel like a prize knob for sticking by him and getting the shit i am from him.

jsjsdcdp Thu 20-Sep-12 12:14:34

Numberlock- yes ive got a visit booked but i know he wont want to discuss this as he wont want me to get upset and have people looking at us (altough im sure they will all have other things on their minds) i think im just going to take the view that this is a rough patch and you have to take the rough with the smooth (i will probably get blazed for being soft as shit)

foofooyeah Thu 20-Sep-12 12:16:13

Sorry, I would go.

But then again I cant take my own advice ....

fluffiphlox Thu 20-Sep-12 12:18:30

Oh dear jsjsdcdp (snappy that smile). It's a bit of a mess isn't it? I think I will stick to my original amateur diagnosis and say that he's feeling low and wants to exert some 'power' over you. Also, it must be one hell of a shock to the system to find yourself in prison. That doesn't excuse his behaviour towards you mind.
Can you say to him: "i told you i would stick by you but now i feel like a prize knob for sticking by you and getting the shit i am from you."

Obviously I have just C and Pd that from your last post.

I don't really know the answer. It must be very difficult for you and your children.

Numberlock Thu 20-Sep-12 12:19:50

i think im just going to take the view that this is a rough patch and you have to take the rough with the smooth

I agree that sometimes the best course of action is to do nothing (for the time being anyway). Six weeks will soon pass and then you'll know how he's going to be when he's back home, presumably without a job and lots of time on his hands which could be the cause of the current problem....

But then again I cant take my own advice

Sorry to hear that, foofoo, I've been exactly the same myself in the past. Wish I'd discovered MN years ago!

jsjsdcdp Thu 20-Sep-12 12:33:17

Fluffiphlox- more than a mess blush And something i never want to go through again.

Numberlock- i agree 6weeks isnt that long. Hes self employed so hopefully should be able to pick up where he left off and then we can put all this behined us.

fluffiphlox Thu 20-Sep-12 12:49:50

No I don't suppose you do (want to go through it again). A hell of a shock for you too.
I know nothing really about prison but I can't imagine that even going as a visitor is all that pleasant - pretty demeaning I would think as they must subject you to searches etc. I would have to think pretty hard before going to see someone. I would feel narked about being treated with suspicion when i know that I am not the guilty party.
I suppose you have written to him? Perhaps easier to express yourself than just having to react to his nonsense?

jsjsdcdp Thu 20-Sep-12 13:19:29

Yes it is all very deamining the fingerprint scan x3 the airport style scanner the pat down fingers thru your hair hands in your pockets a handful of baby wipes and a single nappy even the baby gets a pat down sad. I have sent in letters but just try to keep them light hearted it seems im trying my hardest to make the situation as easy as i can and hes making it as hard as possible.

Thank you all for your comments i thought i would get blazed over this thanks

fluffiphlox Thu 20-Sep-12 13:22:37

You need the flowers thanks

izzyizin Thu 20-Sep-12 16:35:55

As numerous physically abused women have discovered, it's highly unusual for a violent man to be given a prison sentence for a first offence unless he's caused serious bodily harm or worse but, regardless of gender, being subjected to violent attack is, to use fluffiphlox's phrase, 'one hell of a shock' for the victiim.

It would no doubt seem to many who have been on the receiving end of violence that being required to spend a few weeks as a full board, with frequent use of phone, guest of Her Majesty is not a punishment that fits the crime.

However, be that as it may, the forgotten victims of crime are the offender's close family members who may be, or feel, stigmatised by his/her criminal acts and where an offender has dc, it's often the case that they are disproportionately adversely affected by the imprisonment of their dp(s).

That said, it seems to me, OP, that you have 2 dc by an ex-knob and 1 dc by another knob and, in saying when its good its ace but then when its bad its heartbreaking, I am wondering what time periods you are referring to?

Is now a 'bad' and 'heartbreaking' time because of your enforced separation, or is it 'good' because you know where he is and that where he is gives him little opportunity to cause the police to knock on your door, or for him to cause you heartbreak by other means?

In any event, given that you are bearing the brunt of the consequences of his antisocial behaviour it is, as Cogito has observed, cruel of him to treat you in this manner and it would be cause for considerable concern if he is doing so to relieve any feelings of powerlessness over you he may be experiencing due to his freedom being briefly curtailed.

If this is the case, he is unlikely to be man who has learned much from this experience and it is to be hoped that his continued exposure to daytime tv can be relied upon to effect his rehabilitation before his release.

With regard to your title question, should you decide to terminate this relationship whether you go depends entirely on whether the property you live in is in his name alone and if it is not, in order not to further jeopardise the stability of your dc, he should be the one to go or not be re-admitted to your home, as the case may be.

mrkidd85 Fri 21-Sep-12 08:44:18

This is something that's very close to home for me (except the prison part).

Had a girlfriend around 4 years ago - it was pretty much the perfect relationship - apart from me being a dick at times - doing pretty much the same as your boyfriend is doing. In the end, I think it came down to my insecurity - I was obviously in a place where I had little confidence - so a way of boosting it was to act like this to her and see her come running back.

We didn't last very long because of this, and after we split up, I was absolutely kicking myself. I was only 22 but it was definitely down to insecurity and immaturity. If I were you, the next time he gives you this speech - just act aloof and say 'ok, fine' when he mentions about not wanting to be in a relationship. Hang up and don't contact him - and when he contacts you - don't answer. Hopefully he'll then see that his attention seeking has to stop.

He probably feels safe to do anything and you'll still run back to him - so make him feel as if he's not. Then, when he realises what a dick he's been. Make sure he knows that this can't continue to happen - and make sure he knows you're prepared to leave him if it does.

mrkidd85 Fri 21-Sep-12 08:48:12

@izzyizin - a prison sentence of three months for a pub brawl isn't too far fetched for a first offence.

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