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So that's that then....

(25 Posts)
raenbow Thu 20-Sep-12 08:42:16

Hello newbie on here (though I have been lurking (reading some great advice) a while)
A year ago DH came back from a trip abroad and was distant and when asked what was wrong siad he was not happy, hadn't been for 2 years and wanted out. There is no-one else ( I almost wish there was) I have asked 100 ties and he says no and never has been. At the time I was devastated and said I would go and take DC's to return to UK ( We moved abroad for his work 5 years ago, at this time I left a great job and family as he wanted to relocate, I was less certain but wanted us all to be together)
Anyway, we decided to give it another go and try to fix it, however over this year I was the one doing fixing while he 'checked out' and distanced himself. Further distanced himself this summer physically by announcing he was going to Asia for 8 weeks ( for 'work' ) So I considered my options, stayed and decided if after he came back things were the same I'd go. Of course they were the same so we decided to leave.
Now I am in dreadful state, he couldn't wait to tell everyone( emailed his sisters and brother before I had told my mum) and on Tuesday found out he's been to solicitor to discuss divorce proceedings. This was a shock as I thought we were separating ( not divorcing) but in his words he 'can't see the point of prolonging it'. I was really angry and told him so and that I felt he was being cold and uncaring, he is giving us a chunk of money to set up home but I am scared for the future, If I set up a place and then don't get work what next. Again he is being reasonable and helpful but this just makes me madder, like I am one of his clients!
I now have to find house/ job/ schools etc . as well as leave a country and friends I love and start all over again ( again!) Feeling overwhelmed by it all and only have 2 maybe 3 weeks to pack up house and job here.
Any advice or just a friendly word would be great. ( sorry for long post!)

HellonHeels Thu 20-Sep-12 09:01:06

Sorry you're going through this. From your post I'm not sure if you are back in the UK? The advice you get may alter depending on where you're living.

HellonHeels Thu 20-Sep-12 09:02:17

Have you taken legal advice? You need to do this as soon as possible and definitely before you make any financial arrangements.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 20-Sep-12 09:03:24

Sorry you're in this situation. However, if leaving was a bluff on your part, you can't be surprised that he called it. Once someone has crossed that mental bridge of 'it's over'... and he said he'd been unhappy for a long time, so I'm guessing he's been preparing his exit for a while... they tend not to go back. When a relationship ends you have to expect 'cold and uncaring' because if everyone was still friendly with each other, they'd still be together.

Do you have your own solicitor? You mention a 'chunk of money' but be very sure that this is a fair amount and you and the DCs are not being sold down the river. Also, you don't have to do anything hasty. I'm not quite clear why you have to leave the country/house/friends for example. Usually, the emphasis is on keeping the children's lives as undisrupted as possible which means they stay in the marital home, go to the same schools and you try to ease them into a new life gently. Why doesn't he move out instead?

Good luck

UnbridledPositivity Thu 20-Sep-12 09:07:35

You are lucky he's letting you move country with the DC. Although its all terribly sad and difficult, this is important. At least you'll have your family around you, and you'll have a chance to get your job back. If you don't get a job, there is no shame in benefits. It's not your fault you're in this situation. Your H sounds quite generous with money, so take advantage of that (in a reasonable way) to make things easier for yourself. Separation is expensive, as is moving to a different country.

It's hard, but it sounds like you'll be emotionally better off once you're settled back home.

OneMoreChap Thu 20-Sep-12 09:46:23

He said he was unhappy and wanted to split?
After trying to fix it, you decided to leave.

Get legal advice as to money and conditions?
Do you have right of residence in your current country?

TBH, he's called your bluff - if that was what it was - and you now have to move on. Good luck, I'm sure you'll be happier.

Lueji Thu 20-Sep-12 10:54:57


You are in shock, clearly, because it wasn't really your decision to split and you have been hoping for it to work.

However, on his side, he told you a year ago and has been distant and not really making an effort. It feels like he has mostly been waiting for you to come to terms with it.
From his point of view, he is finally getting what he wanted and moving on.

For your sake and of your children, try to get over the feelings of disappointment and get legal advice asap, regarding financial arrangements, etc.
He should support his children (it feels a bit cold to me the way you describe his "chunk of money" offer).
And because he'll be abroad, then it will be more difficult to enforce maintenance payments.

raenbow Thu 20-Sep-12 12:10:45

Sorry I can see now not v. coherent! I am still abroad, but moving back in the next month or so. He is also here but planning to move back as things didnt work out for the business here and it is winding up ( he also has this worry and I wanted us to try to get through that before any hasty decisions but cannot stay here any longer)
If I stayed and believe me I have considered it, it would involve children moving schools as because of my job they are too distant for me to do alone DH does the school run 45 mins in the opposite direction to home and an hour from my work ( also the hours I work are irregular) So I could move them ( schools / home - fortunately we rent but as it is such a big house / land I would not be able to manage this alone ) So what I don't want to do is move them now and then find I cannot continue here without any support network and have to return to the UK anyway. The children are both keen to go back as they have never been truly happy here. We are all resident here.

I don't have any legal advice at the moment. He went to see a solicitor and they have said that if things are 'amicable' it can all be done with one solicitor very cheaply and quickly, the laws here are obviously different to the UK ( so he is keen to do this )
(Sorry I sound a bit cold when talking about the 'chunk ' of money ( did you mean me or him?) We brought out the proceeds of our house in the UK and now have none of this left as it was all invested in the business so am a little bitter that I have nothing left to show for a 15 year good career in the UK ). This money is to set up a home and give us some financial security until I can get a job again. He is willing to suport us but obviously I am concerned that he will not be able to do this ( or support 2 homes) when we are both back .
I think you are right Lueji, we almost split then but I think he felt so bad about it and wanted me to make the final decision, so he got what he wanted after all. Positivity I know your'e right I will be better off ( in a number of ways if not financially initially.) I feel like I lost myself here and can just be me just seems such a big ountain to climb!

raenbow Thu 20-Sep-12 12:14:56

He's a good man and a good father, we have been together since I was 17 and TBH I still love him. I just don't understand why he wants to destroy our life and for what..... sad

mydishwasherneverstops Thu 20-Sep-12 12:46:12

Sorry to hear you're going through this. I second the advice to see a solicitor for yourself asap. As hard as it is to get your head around it you now need to remember that your husband is now acting in his own interests, not yours. You need to fight your own corner and protect yourself.

Take care

I had to move home from abroad after my ex checked out of our relationship. I can remember clearly how monumental a task that felt at the time. It is overwhelming. Two dc under 3, no job and it felt like no prospects at the time. I was shell shocked. But, everything did work out for the best in the end. Three years down the line things have turned out well. Don't move in haste, take your time to get things organised for you. Move at your pace, not your husband's. And please pull on your support system of family and friends. If you still want to make your relationship work, being strong and focussing on the move may in fact start to pull your husband back towards you. I know that this was the case with my ex, but I wasn't giving him any second chances as for me I knew life with him would be miserable.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 20-Sep-12 12:55:34

" I just don't understand why he wants to destroy our life and for what..... "

Please don't be surprised if you subseqently discover that there is someone else in the picture. It's not at all unusual for someone to go on a trip, have a bit of a fling and then start negatively comparing ordinary home-life to the excitement of someone new. Dissatisfaction creeps in and the rest is history. They often don't want to own up until the divorce is over because angry wives tend to go after more money than sad, confused but still loving ones.

So as for 'destroying your life' there is no good way to end a relationship, no matter what the motivation. You've both been unhappy, you left and he's not asked you to come back.... that's really all there is to it. Sad but what could you have done differently? Stick around staying miserable?

Lueji Thu 20-Sep-12 13:24:36

That is another issue.
Why does he want a divorce there?
Please do get some legal advice in both countries and decide where YOU want it.

Consider all implications - money, children, etc.

And where is that money coming from, if he basically lost the proceeds from the house? Is it not yours as well? hmm

familyscapegoat Thu 20-Sep-12 14:33:22

I don't see this as you 'bluffing' at all. I think you've been remarkably sensible.

You said it was a joint decision to try again, but from what you've said as soon as you realised that it wasn't just your marriage your husband was checking out of, but his role as father as well, you saw the light. You clearly don't think an 8 week trip to Asia was work because you put inverted commas around the word 'work'. If we're talking the Far East, neither do I.

Your husband's eagerness to see his wife and his children leave the country tells you that this was a very wise decision.

There might not be one woman in particular, but I think there's a fair chance he's been unfaithful and might even be paying for it with vulnerable, exploited women.

That means you and your kids might be paying for it too, so for goodness sake get yourself your own solicitor and do what's right for you and them, from now on. I'm sure you didn't take this decision lightly and I'm sure you know you'll be happier back home, with better job opportunities and family support. Good luck, you're a strong woman who's learnt a big lesson. Never give so much up for a relationship ever again.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 20-Sep-12 16:46:07

Divorce can be sorted out very easily and cheaply in the UK as well if both parties are in agreement (and if the marriage is under UK law doesn't it have to be dissolved under the same law anyway? Not sure?). I think you should be a mite suspicious and take sound legal advice before agreeing to anything. I can't help suspecting there's a reserve of money lying around somewhere that you didn't know about. Maybe there isn't. But why not take a very little time/expense to make absolutely sure?

BerylStreep Thu 20-Sep-12 17:04:26

So sorry to hear this.

I agree with those who have said get your own legal advice, both here and where you currently live.

Can I ask what country you are living in? (only if you want to say though) Are you there on a visa in your own right, or as your DH's spouse? Is that why you have to come home, because if you are no longer together put there you can't stay?

LydiasMiletus Thu 20-Sep-12 17:59:29

scape the ops stbxh is coming back too.

LydiasMiletus Thu 20-Sep-12 18:01:16

Op I can't add anything to what others have said. Take care of you and your kids legally. Good luck.

chipsandmushypeas Thu 20-Sep-12 18:29:38

Sorry op sad you will be ok and strong c

Tonightheywin Thu 20-Sep-12 19:30:32

Another one who fails to see how he's "called your bluff".

Anyway. Do compare divorce law in the country you are in and in the UK before you agree to anything regarding a divorce.
In the circumstances, do not take his "legal advice" and trust him to do the best in your and your DCs interest.
I live abroad too and know that should a divorce be on the cards, the Uk would be far more favourable to my DCs and me (and the process less expensive and lenghty), than in the country I am in, just because we were married in the Uk.

I find it difficult to understand why he would press for a divorce abroad; surely it has to be more expensive, or the benefits for him, greater. Otherwise why can't it wait until you are both in the Uk?
take strength, OP, and, damn it, big hug.

Busybusybust Thu 20-Sep-12 19:41:24

I would be very surprised if there wasn't another woman somewhere around. wonder how long it will take for her to 'emerge'?

Lueji Thu 20-Sep-12 19:44:02

Just beware because the first to file for divorce, that's the one that counts.
If he files first over there, then it will be there.

Do find out asap where you want it and if necessary file for divorce yourself.

Tonightheywin Thu 20-Sep-12 19:50:04

Second Lueji.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 20-Sep-12 21:59:58

He called the OP's bluff because she moved out thinking they were separating... implication is she was expecting some time apart might improve things, a reconciliation perhaps... and he skipped all ideas of separation & reconciliation and went straight to divorce.

BerylStreep Fri 21-Sep-12 09:30:21

That's interesting Lueji. I didn't know that.

Tonightheywin Fri 21-Sep-12 20:43:09

Sorry Cogito I thought OP said they'd leave (as in moving back home) but hasn't yet.
I see what you mean with the mental bridge of the idea of leaving/separation though. (I suppose I find the word 'bluff' a bit harsh in OP's situation.)

Yes, straight to divorce, and OP had to 'find out' he had taken legal advice; I don't like it.
You'd think that for him, a failing business and a move back to the UK would be enough to deal with for now.
I am really suspicious of the reasons why he might want a divorce abroad (if I understand rightly), when OP is still in shock + trying to deal with a big move fast, and they are all going back to the UK anyway.

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