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Feel alone in this pregnancy

(19 Posts)
itsallinmyhead Wed 19-Sep-12 22:28:43

I've not posted before but was hoping to find some support or a reality check (whichever seems appropriate).
I'm 29 weeks pregnant & have been ill with various complaints since around 16 weeks. During this time, my gp has signed me unfit to work (I've been off for 8 weeks & I'm going back tomorrow) while all my ailments have been investigated & treatment plans put in place.
I've now been diagnosed with anaemia, an underactive thyroid & more recently SPD or PGP. I've been prescribed iron & thyroxine for the first two & awaiting an appointment with a maternity physio for the SPD.
My frustration lies with my partner. Before falling pregnant I was very much trying to (and beginning to succeed at) carving a career at the job I love and as my daughter was a teen & had better things to do than spend time with her mum, I had a pretty decent social life.
Since becoming pregnant I've obviously had to socialise in a different way & since beginning ill, socialising has been pretty much put on hold...for me.
My partner goes to concerts, weekend parties and massive clubs nights at least once a month & is living like I don't figure into it. It's making me miserable because there is no balance & no 'us' time. He said I'm being unreasonable when I get upset but although I can accept I probably am, I think he's being selfish and I feel rejected. I've told him I'm miserable & not only pregnant but ill too but he doesn't seem to care. Has anyone else had similar experiences?
Thanks for taking the time to read this.

CailinDana Wed 19-Sep-12 22:42:36

Even if you weren't ill, it wouldn't be unreasonable for you to expect him to spend some time with you. However the tough time you're having with your pregnancy makes the whole situation a lot worse. He needs to remember that you are giving up an awful lot to bring his child into the world and that he should be supporting you.

What was he like before you got pregnant?

squishee Wed 19-Sep-12 22:51:22

I can sympathise to some extent itsallinmyhead. I've felt alone not in a pregnancy but in a relationship. One that is now over, for that and many other related reasons. My ex was a huge part of my life, but I felt like a very small part of his. I was expected to live on crumbs from his table, and be grateful for it.
I hope that for you this is a temporary thing that will pass once you get back to normal.

itsallinmyhead Wed 19-Sep-12 22:56:18

He had a healthy social life, we both did, however this is is first child & he's never had any kind of responsibility like this. In saying that, he's not a child at 31. When we found out I was expecting we talked about how life would need to change & it feels like I'm the only one life has actually changed for. He actually told me tonight that it's not his fault I'm ill or in pain & he has a life to lead & because I'm trapped by my illnesses I'm trying to trap him. He's planning to go partying with friends this weekend after a weekend away with friends last weekend (when it was my daughter's birthday). Thanks for your comment & support.

itsallinmyhead Wed 19-Sep-12 22:58:14

Thanks Squishee for your comment also.

Dryjuice25 Wed 19-Sep-12 23:09:12

I feel for you. I had 3 really bad pregnancies, the last 2 were very lonely. My dc3 is 10 weeks old now and we're separated. I find it hard but I'd rather count him out than get treated badly/disrespectifully. Like you he doesn't seem to understand the sacrifices I had to make to give him 3 beautiful children.

Good luck and hopefully he will change/mature once dc is born.

Dryjuice25 Wed 19-Sep-12 23:11:11

difficult not bad

itsallinmyhead Wed 19-Sep-12 23:13:19

Thank you so much for your words of support Dryjuice25. I think it may be too late. My resentment has built & my respect for him lessened. I hope you and your children are well.

Dryjuice25 Thu 20-Sep-12 00:05:07

I had SPD too and hyperemesis with all my pgs. I had to do most things and the school run whilst he slept!!! I hit an all time low, with hormones all over the place... so I kicked him out at 32 weeks. I struggled a lot but felt at peace this man-child was out of my face.

Be strong and keep going. Give him an ultimatum to shape up or ship out.

As this is his first, he might change a bit when your bundle of joy arrives. Dp did moderate his partying to an extent when dc1 was born. Shame he then resumed his habits when I was pg with dc2 and almost enjoyed watching me struggle with dc3. Now I don't want him back at all ....

Hopefully things will improve for you and good luck.

itsallinmyhead Thu 20-Sep-12 00:18:50

Thanks again Dryjuice25. As my username suggests, I was beginning to think it was all in my head. My sister agrees that he's out of order but I wondered if she was just being loyal.
I doubt things will change as this is the umpteenth time we've had the same argument & I'm not going to put myself, my unborn baby, my daughter or indeed him through it anymore. It's obvious we aren't on the same page anymore & like you, I believe my life will be more settled without him.

SheppySheepdog Thu 20-Sep-12 00:31:53

Sympathies, op. you do not deserve to be treated this way.

Draw a line, make a fuss, speak up for yourself and show him that you will not stand for this behaviour or chances are he will be even worse once the baby is born as he will be used to pleasing himself and making you unhappy by then and it will barely register on his conscience at all as it will be a common occurence. He is putting you to the back of his mind when you should be at the forefront.

I hate people who make analogies about their partners snd children/pets but ffs! Mark your boundaries! No more! Nobody thinks you are being unreasonable.

SheppySheepdog Thu 20-Sep-12 00:32:59

X post. Pleased you are fighting this and not putting up/shutting up.

itsallinmyhead Thu 20-Sep-12 01:03:49

Thanks so much Sheppysheepdog.

I've been 'setting my stall out' this evening & have been told I'm controlling...I don't get it. He goes out when he wants, knowing how I feel yet I'm controlling.

After this evenings events, I've told him I can no longer continue living miserably & I don't want to resent him but I do.

He refused to 'continue' & went silent. He's sleeping on the sofa.

quietlysuggests Thu 20-Sep-12 09:40:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

itsallinmyhead Thu 20-Sep-12 10:23:44

Thank you quietlysuggests, I really think that your comments are very valid and actually, 'bang on' in terms of how pregnancy is different for each.

My partner is a good man but since moving in together (we moved in when we found out I was expecting) I have found him to be quite self centered in terms of things like this. It cut me deep when he went away last weekend, as it was my daughter's birthday. (He was also away for the weekend for a friends birthday when it was my birthday in May).

I know he already adores our unborn son and I believe that he will be a great father.

I'm trying to 'hang in there' in the hope he will 'man up'....Time will tell but unfortunately for me it's also telling on how I feel.

Dryjuice25 Sun 23-Sep-12 21:01:19

Agree with Quietly ....

Malificence Sun 23-Sep-12 21:31:20

Great fathers don't treat the mothers of their children as an inconvenience.
Look at what you've written about him, you don't need this man-child in your life, if he doesn't support you and enrich your life, get rid of him.

"As a man every man he tells will say - Oh you are fucked now, life is over, poor bastard, say goodbye to your life ha ha ha" - No, only emotionally stunted and immature men will come out with this kind of crap, decent men absolutely don't. If that's what you honestly believe Quietly, you must know some god-awful men .

Dryjuice25 Sun 23-Sep-12 21:52:14

Malificence......funny enough I actually experienced what Quietly said.

Opentooffers Sun 23-Sep-12 23:16:51

Whether or not your DP improves his behaviour could be connected to his feelings about becoming a Dad. As you did not live together, I guess this was not planned. I wonder if you had talked about feelings towards being parents together before the pregnancy.
It seems like he is behaving as though this pregnancy was your choice alone so why should his life be affected. Hopefully, he will 'man up' when your DS arrives, but be aware that this is not always the case. My ex-P got worse, so I go rid. It's worked out well.

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