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DH threatened to leave (sex related)

(214 Posts)
SexIsTheIssue Wed 19-Sep-12 10:09:35

We had a few baby free hours Saturday which DH took as an opportunity to row, when I tried to talk he turned away and refused to engage and since then it has been silent treatment with lots of door slamming. His major problem is sex, he wants it everyday, I dont, even before DC (who is 1.2, still BFing and not sleeping) we were 1-3 times a week, now I try to ensure 1 a week even if I dont feel like it (believing the "use it or lose it" mantra) sleep is far more important and I cant say I enjoy it and (TMI) I haven't orgasmed for a long time (to DH this is his measure of enjoyment).

Quantity has always been an issue but more so since pregnancy and explodes in a row every few weeks, DH seems to think he is in a competition with DS for attention and to him attention = sex. I'm exhausted with it all and admit I have withdrawn from DH as I cant cope with the constant sex groping, whinning, sulking and openly looking at porn when me and DS are in the room, i'm also worried about getting PG but DH flatly refuses condoms and when we do have sex it is all about what he wants. I have tried to explain to DH that this is very unattractive and unlikely to make me want sex with him but he threatened that he will leave unless I start enjoying sex more, I dont really know where to go with this, how do you enjoy something more? He basically issued an ultimatum that I have to stop BFing so I can go on the pill (solving 1 problem) and I have to have sex more even when i'm so tired I cry (but he will not allow me to have a lie in, ever, if he is up, everyone is up, if he is asleep woe betide anyone who wakes him).

My question is how do we reach a comprimise when we both seem to have entrenched postions, I cant force myself to enjoy sex more, I dont even have the energy to fake it, DH will not listen to anything I say/changes/suggestions, he has become very selfish when it comes to sex and as it stands today i'm thinking if he leaves it would be a relief in one way but I know he would make my life unbearable (he has form with previous GFs). I have suggested counselling in the past but that ended up in an epic sulk and hasn't been mentioned since. Before anyone asks, we used to be equals, he used to respect me and I used to have to confidence to tell him bollocks if he was been unreasonable, now...sad

glasscompletelybroken Wed 19-Sep-12 10:15:19

Tell him you would love to enjoy sex more but he's just not doing it right and it's therefore just not enjoyable.

Seriously though - he is a bully and I can't see what's in this relationship for you at all. You shouldn't stay with someone because they will make your life unbearable if they leave. he is making your life unbearable already.

ErikNorseman Wed 19-Sep-12 10:15:42

Omg let him go! He sounds foul!

Utterly selfish and foul. I can't really say more sad there are so many things wrong with his attitude. You sure know what sort of a man he is now!

goodiegoodieyumyum Wed 19-Sep-12 10:15:50

Sexi theissue I can't give you much advice but you can go on the pill and breastfeed, also from reading ather threads there are many different types of contraception out there. I would suggest yous it down and talk to him calmly but that sounds like it won't happen, he sounds like a selfish prat.

Leverette Wed 19-Sep-12 10:15:54

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

msrisotto Wed 19-Sep-12 10:15:57

Wow he sounds horrible. Leave the bastard.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 19-Sep-12 10:16:49

Call his bluff. Let him leave. This is not your problem at all - this is him behaving unacceptably. You're being subjected to unacceptable sexual pressure and possibly marital rape, emotional blackmail, inconsiderate behaviour (e.g. lack of contraception, ultimatums, porn use) and continual bullying. He is selfish, lazy and seems to see you purely as his posession to do with as he wishes. You're even worried that, if he leaves, he will make life 'unbearable'. Your confidence is wiped out.

It's sadly extremely common for DV to begin with the arrival of the first child. Please read the news stories today about the latest definitions of DV.... unfortunately, a lot of it will be familiar. Do talk to friends and family IRL about what you're experiencing. Get some perspective from people who like you... not a husband who uses you as a blow-up doll. You may find it helps to talk to Womens Aid as well.

Shakey1500 Wed 19-Sep-12 10:17:51

I would absolutely NOT be seeking a compromise with such a selfish, childish, controlling individual.

Does he have ANY good points?

Watching porn while you and baby are in the room?? Seriously?

He sounds like a cunt. Let him leave and when you are ready find someone who respects you. Seriously, life's too short for this kind of shit.

MrDobalina Wed 19-Sep-12 10:18:37

My question is how do we reach a comprimise

he moves out and finds someone else to pester
you enjoy the peace and quiet

imnotmymum Wed 19-Sep-12 10:19:09

Absolutely bizarre-enjoy sex more?? What an idiot and a total turn off. Maybe he should be wooing you not demanding you. OP let him leave if his "needs" are more of a priority than his child and his wife then let him lose all that for some cheap thrills and you will find a man to love and respect you.

MolotovBomb Wed 19-Sep-12 10:19:29

If my DH treated me this way, I'd move back to my Mom and Dad for a bit. There is nothing that kills the libido more than a whiny, selfish sex-pest.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Wed 19-Sep-12 10:20:56

What a horrible, horrible man.

Sex is not the issue. The issue is that he is an abusive, entitled, disrespectful, selfish, sulking bully.

PipsWife Wed 19-Sep-12 10:21:31

Didn't want to read and run so no real advice but I can sympathise.

My DD is 16 months and sex isn't high on my agenda but it's the way DH deals with it which is make or break. (for now he understands!) But yours doesn't seem to be dealing well with it. Have you actually just sat down and talked instead of arguing? Your LO won't always be waking at night, you won't always be BF etc etc.

Communication is always the key.

Hope you sort things.

picnicbasketcase Wed 19-Sep-12 10:21:53

He will leave unless YOU start enjoying sex more?? Does he realise he can't order you to enjoy something? I think its incredibly sad that you are giving in and having sec when you don't want to, just to keep him happy, which it isn't anyway. What a selfish git he sounds.

Fairylea Wed 19-Sep-12 10:23:07

Leave. He's being horrid. And I say that as someone who's Dh also has a high sex drive and we used to have sex every day before ds 12 weeks. We both accept once or twice a week is all I can get in the mood for right now. Dh is fine. It's not forever. He has hands !!! I left my ex when my dd was 6 months old for going on at me about sex.

I'm not surprised you don't want to have sex with such a pig.

By the way you can take the pill if you are bfing just a particular type. I would not be having sex without contraception if breastfeeding as you can still get pregnant trust me.

bleedingheart Wed 19-Sep-12 10:23:42

I don't see how you an resolve this. He is ordering you to have sex and enjoy it without supporting you, doing anything to make sure you enjoy it or make you feel loved, oh and he won't use condoms either. He would be better served pleasuring himself alone while you and your DC live somewhere else. You are not put on earth to be his sex aid. Selfish bully!

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 19-Sep-12 10:23:47

Communication? With a selfish, childish man that responds to talking with 'epic sulks' and door slamming when he doesn't get his own way? Complete waste of time.....

Rikalaily Wed 19-Sep-12 10:32:32

Seriously, I would tell him to leave. Sex is important but it's not as important as having a loving respectful relationship.

He is being extremely selfish and a bully, how are you supposed to enjoy sex when he is being so selfish in bed and disrespectful to you? Most of the enjoyment of sex comes from knowing that you are pleasing your partner, wham bam thankyou mam is enough to put anyone off wanting to do it. He says he's going to walk unless you start enjoying it more, well only he can change that by being a more understanding, respectful, giving lover and husband.

He want's you to give up bfing so you can go on the pill, the pill kills alot of womens sex drives anyway (you can take the mini pill while bfing) but he shouldn't expect you to provide the contraception if he's not willing to use condoms for a while so your child can have the benefits of being fed by thier mother. Again putting his needs before you and your child!

Honestly, what are you getting from this relationship apart from alot of guilt and grief? I'd run for the hills!

ClippedPhoenix Wed 19-Sep-12 10:40:35

Yes, I agree with the others. He's a nasty piece of work OP, how vile. I for one would never ever want him anywhere near me full stop. Compromise? You "having" to like more sex? OP, really you need to get rid of him.

I suggest you take him up on his offer of leaving.

What's your situation regarding this? Do you have friends/family nearby?
You say he has form, what do you mean by that exactly? Are you scared of him?

olgaga Wed 19-Sep-12 10:43:23

OP you really can't go on like this. You know he is being completely unreasonable and abusive and there is clearly no possibility this will change. I am constantly amazed by the level of abuse women will tolerate for the sake of keeping a family together - but really, this is no life for you or your DC.

The suggestion that you should give up breastfeeding so you can go on the pill because he refuses to use condoms shows a callous disregard not just of your welfare, but also your DC's.

Show him the door. You will get all the help you need here and elsewhere.

Here is some useful information for you:

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce – Advice and Links
It is useful if you can get to grips with the language of family law and procedure, and get an understanding of your rights, BEFORE you see a solicitor. If you are well prepared you will save time and money.
Children

If there are children involved, their welfare, needs and interests are paramount. Parents have responsibilities, not rights, in this regard. Shared residence means both parties having an equal interest in the upbringing of the children. It does not mean equal (50/50) parenting time - children are not possessions to be “fairly” divided between separating parents.

A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (“Statement of Arrangements for Children”). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order - “Residence and Contact” regarding children, “Financial Order” or “Ancillary Relief” in the case of Finance. Information and links to these can be found in the Directgov link below. Residence and Contact Orders are likely to be renamed Child Arrangements Orders in future.

Always see a specialist family lawyer!

Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don’t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation – there’s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don’t just stick with the first lawyer you find – shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you’re happy with.

If you can’t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law. You can search by area here:
www.resolution.org.uk/

You can also read good advice and find a family lawyer here:
www.divorceaid.co.uk/

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients – Google solicitors to see if you can find any recommendations or feedback.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. This can help by encouraging discussion about arrangements for children and finance in a structured way in a neutral setting. However, it only works if both parties are willing to reach agreement.

If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation. This is important because while a Mediator should have knowledge of family law, and will often explain family law, they are not there to give tailored legal advice to either party - so it’s important to have that first.

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question, because if you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:
www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/

DirectGov advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/index.htm
You can also find out about Legal Aid and get advice on the Community Legal Advice Helpline on 08345 345 4 345
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Dl1/Directories/UsefulContactsByCategory/Governmentcitizensandrightscontacts/DG_195356

Legal Rights and issues around contact are further explained here:
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown
www.maypole.org.uk/

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read – there are others of course:

www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you have access to, and take copies or make notes. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements – savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?

If you have no access to financial information, or you are aware that assets are being hidden from you, then obviously you will not be able to reach agreement on finances. If there are children, as you cannot divorce without adequate arrangements being agreed on finance and children, you will have to apply for a financial order anyway. If there are no children, and you are unable to agree on finances, you will also have to apply for a financial order (follow the Direct.gov links below). This seeks financial information from both parties going back 12 months. So it is in your interests to act quickly once you have made the decision to divorce.

If you are married, the main considerations of the Family Courts where parties are unable to agree a settlement are (in no particular order of priority):

1.The welfare of any minor children from the marriage.
2.The value of jointly and individually owned property and other assets and the financial needs, obligation and responsibilities of each party.
3.Any debts or liabilities of the parties.
4.Pension arrangements for each of the parties, including future pension values and any value to each of the parties of any benefit they may lose as a result of the divorce.
5.The earnings and earning potential of each of the parties.
6.Standard of living enjoyed during the marriage.
7.The age of the parties and duration of the marriage.
8.Any physical or mental disability of either of the parties.
9.Contributions that each party may have made to the marriage, either financially or by looking after the house and/or caring for the family.

CSA maintenance calculator:
www.csacalculator.dsdni.gov.uk/calc.asp

Handy tax credits calculator:
www.hmrc.gov.uk/taxcredits/payments-entitlement/entitlement/question-how-much.htm#7

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:
www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

Parenting issues:
www.theparentconnection.org.uk

Other Support for Women – Children, Housing, Domestic Violence
www.womensaid.org.uk/ and refuge.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 2000 247
www.ncdv.org.uk/ - Helpline 0844 8044 999
www.gingerbread.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 802 0925
www.maypole.org.uk/
Housing www.england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships/relationship_breakdown
(Note that there is usually an appropriate link on these websites for England, Wales and Scotland where the law, advice and contact information may differ.

Twingirlsrock Wed 19-Sep-12 10:44:37

I feel very strongly that you should not give in to his pressure around this. Of course compromise is important in a huge number of issues when in a committed relationship but there are areas where individuals rights/feelings need to be wholly respected and let be. Sex is absolutely one of those. It doesn't sound the case that on a certain occasion he wanted it and you didn't so you thought, oh well I don't mind too much and did it (most people have been there).

What you describe is very different. It sounds like he is demanding you capitulate to his supposed "needs" and to hell with how you feel, your body and your well being.

This isn't love and it isn't a position which seeks compromise. It's domination.

In such a scenario I really don't feel the onus is on you. He has given an ultimatum. Please let him deal with that. If he cannot respect you then he should not be with you. And you should feel no responsibility at all for what happens next. Let him leave.

With such situations, often if you don't draw the line, other forms of disrespect creep in. Before you know it you might not recognise yourself.

Remember how you feel is just as important. He has created the entire situation. Wash your hands of it.

If you draw the line now you will be building something good for the future.... Otherwise it won't be worth anything to stay. x

MrDobalina Wed 19-Sep-12 10:45:22

are you ok sex?

Kormachameleon Wed 19-Sep-12 10:47:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mcmooncup Wed 19-Sep-12 10:47:55

Coerced, bullied-into, duty and 'this'll keep him quiet for a while' sex is vile.

He sounds vile

LTB

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